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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

The hardest thing

35 replies

HowardTJMoon · 01/07/2014 12:07

I have posted here a lot under this and other names (particularly snorbs) about my ex, the mother of my children. She had long-standing alcohol problems which is why our children live with me rather than her.

Last night I was visited by the police who told me she had been found dead in her home.

Having to tell my children that their mother had died was, without question, the worst thing I have ever had to do. Having to tell her sister comes second.

I don't know what to do. I feel like a boy pretending to be a grown-up. How on earth do you help your children through something like this? Even though our relationship broke down years ago I still feel like I've been punched. How do you deal with this?

OP posts:
elastamum · 01/07/2014 12:12

I am so sorry Sad I don't have any good advice, but it is right to feel sad even though your relationship broke down and she had many problems. She will always be their mother.

hillyhilly · 01/07/2014 12:15

I think the best you can do is to keep talking, talking, talking and maybe investigate charities that help children through bereavement.
Good luck, it is so painful to see your children go through thiis

ShouldHaveMarriedTimDowling · 01/07/2014 12:16

I am so sorry. No good advice. I don't know what being a grown-up feels like, just be there to hug, cry and talk.

incogKNEEto · 01/07/2014 12:16

I'm so sorry Sad I don't know if there is a right way to deal with this, all you can do is be there for your dc and talk and listen about their mum. I think it's quite normal for you to be reeling at the news too, you had shared history and dc together, it will be hard Sad Take care of yourself too, do you have someone in rl that you can talk to about your feelings?

BitOutOfPractice · 01/07/2014 12:18

Oh my goodness I am so sorry to hear that. It must have been an awful shock for you and telling her children and sister is just heartbreaking.

I think hillybilly is right. Keep talking and also remember to be kind to yourself as well

Andcake · 01/07/2014 12:19

I am so sorry - how awful - I think there are a few charities that can help - i think there is one Winston's wish and another Grief encounters. www.griefencounter.org.uk/

i think a lot depends on the ages of your children as well. You need support as well as the kids

BuzzardBird · 01/07/2014 12:19

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

BuzzardBird · 01/07/2014 12:21

Sorry OP, that was the wrong link. I will try and find the correct one.

BuzzardBird · 01/07/2014 12:23

www.childbereavementuk.org/Support/Families/Helpingchildrenandyoungpeopledealwithdeath is what I meant to post

hellsbellsmelons · 01/07/2014 12:28

What an awful shock for you all.
Speak to any support organisations.
I don't know any but some have already been mentioned.
Talk to the school if DC are school age so they are prepared for any grief or bahaviours that they might show and need help with.

Get family and friends to rally round and help as much as possible.
Listen to the DC and be there for them.

This will not be a short process. I really hope you can get the support you all need.

tribpot · 01/07/2014 12:29

I'm very, very sorry to read about this.

Assuming her death was alcohol-related, I would imagine your dc are going to have some questions about how it happened - or had they already reached a level of acceptance about their mum's addiction? I'm wondering whether Al-Anon has anything to help with the death of an alcoholic loved one. I can't see anything obvious online but it might be worth contacting them to see if they have some specific resources.

You need to have people supporting you, just as you are supporting your children. Do you have close friends you can call on? Are the dc school age, will their schools be able to look out for them? I'd imagine they have a plan for dealing with the loss of a parent.

Keep talking and posting - don't feel you always have to be the strong one. This is a devastating, shocking loss.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 01/07/2014 12:32

"How on earth do you help your children through something like this?"

Acknowledge their pain. They could fear that they might lose you, too. Expect a change in their behaviour and try to understand the various different stages of grief. Denial. Anger. Bargaining (if only we'd done/not done x). Depression. Acceptance. Not all of these stages start and end discreetly, they can run concurrently or sufferers can go backwards and forwards.

psychcentral.com/lib/the-5-stages-of-loss-and-grief/000617

I fear this is the most difficult and painful process you will ever have to go through. I wish you all the strength in the world to cope with this.

See if you can find any help via GP and school with bereavement counselling for you and your children.

Twitterqueen · 01/07/2014 12:33

So sorry. They have got you though and you can keep good memories alive for them.

Badvoc2 · 01/07/2014 12:37

I'm so sorry. How awful for you.
Telling my dc last year that my dad had died unexpectedly was also the hardest thing I have ever done.
Do you have rl support?
There is a great charity called winstons wish which helps bereaved children.
Cruse offer counselling for adults.
Have you ever had any contact with al anon?
I totally understand what you mean about pretending to be a grown up...having people look to you when you yourself feel so lost and alone is terrifying xxxx

Blueuggboots · 01/07/2014 13:02

Be honest with them. Tell them that you're upset too and that you'll all deal with it together.
Sorry you're going through this.

Anniegetyourgun · 01/07/2014 13:13

No practical suggestions, but here, have some heartfelt sympathy Thanks

AnyFucker · 01/07/2014 13:18

Fucking Hell, that is rough. Poor woman, poor kids, poor you.

I am so sorry. I have no specific words of advice. You know your children the best. From everything I have ever seen you post on here, I would say you just need to keep on doing what you are doing.

Original poster
HowardTJMoon · 01/07/2014 13:44

Thanks for the links. I'll look them up.

My DCs are secondary school-age. I know DD's school has excellent pastoral care facilities but DS's school isn't as good. And while DD is pretty much an open book when it comes to talking about her feelings, DS is much less so. Yet I think this has possibly hit him harder than it has DD as he's older and has more memories of her living at home with us.

What a mess. Her sister's coming over soon and we'll have to start thinking about coroner's reports and funerals.

OP posts:
AgaPanthers · 01/07/2014 13:49

I'm so sorry.

Had they seen her recently?

wallypops · 01/07/2014 14:31

My mum died when I was 7 and the eldest of my siblings was16 and we never, ever talked about it and it still has a deep effect on us all.

One of my sisters died as a young adult, and we talked and talked about her, and we are much less emotional about it as as result.

Just keep talking, bringing her up, memories (good if possible) but don't make her out to be a saint, 'cos that can be really irritating.

Get everyone involved in choosing stuff for the funeral, doing readings etc. They are meant to serve a purpose and they really can.

QueenofWhatever · 01/07/2014 14:49

I recognise you, especially as snorbs. I am very, very to sorry to hear this.

However from what you have said before, I think your children are fairly aware of what their mum was like. My mum was an alcoholic while I was growing up and I remember at the time my sister and I felt it would be a relief is she died. That's a pretty taboo idea, but at the time it seemed like the only solution. Let them say what they want and when they want.

Also, please be kind to yourself.

ohthatsokthen · 01/07/2014 16:23

I don't have any words of wisdom for you but didn't want to read and run. I am so sorry for your loss and your children's. My dad died of alcoholism at 58 when I was 32, that was hard enough as an adult so I can't imagine what your poor children are going through. My thoughts are with you.

getthefeckouttahere · 01/07/2014 16:49

In an age appropriate way be as straight and honest as you can be. Other than that shower them with love and affection? People can and do get through this. good luck mate.

Original poster
HowardTJMoon · 01/07/2014 19:49

My own father died of alcohol-related complications last year but I'd largely lost touch with him. This is so much worse.

OP posts:
zombieslovebrains · 01/07/2014 20:36

Been in a similar position to you (got an old thread on bereavement). It will get crappy for a while, you'll be dealing with the kids and your own emotions.

You don't say how old your children are, let the school know what's happened they will have councillor's there and they do help, they've done wonders with mine.

The oldest has been a bit of problem, just angry all the time, but nothing too serious and now he seems to have come out the other side and now he is like he used to be. The youngest took a while before asking for counselling, she did it her own time same as the oldest but both are doing really well now.

Whether telling them the truth about her death is a difficult choice that only you can make, a few people thought I should, I haven't having discussed it with my parents, her parents and brother, in time I will do.
From my own experience your kids will get upset and angry for no reason, let them, you're going have to be their emotional punching bag.

You will feel angry at your ex-wife even though you've separated for while, thinking how things could have different.

Also when talking to them about their mum tell them about the best side of their mum, the funny and daft stories.