The hardest thing

[HowardTJMoon]

I have posted here a lot under this and other names (particularly snorbs) about my ex, the mother of my children. She had long-standing alcohol problems which is why our children live with me rather than her.

Last night I was visited by the police who told me she had been found dead in her home.

Having to tell my children that their mother had died was, without question, the worst thing I have ever had to do. Having to tell her sister comes second.

I don't know what to do. I feel like a boy pretending to be a grown-up. How on earth do you help your children through something like this? Even though our relationship broke down years ago I still feel like I've been punched. How do you deal with this?

Hi HowardTJMoon.

I'm very sorry to hear you are struggling with the sad news of the death of your ex.

Please do call the Winston's Wish Helpline: 08452 030405. One of our family practitioners can offer support and advice for you and your children. The Helpline is open Monday to Friday 9am-5pm and also on Wednesday evenings 7-9.30pm.

Our website also has a lot of practical advice for parents and carers, here is the main link for you: www.winstonswish.org.uk/parents-and-carers-2/.

I hope this information helps, best wishes.

Gemma (Communications team at Winston's Wish)

Oh how lovely Gemma of you to post.

Howard - I hope you and your DC got some sleep.
Take things one day at a time.
Thinking of you at this horrible time.

Thank you Gemma. And thanks to all of you.

I've just been trawling through lists of mutual friends to try to work out who I should tell and how. This is beyond shit.

Of course it is beyond shit.
You will cope and you will get through it.
I have every sympathy for you but I really can't imagine what it must be like or what you must be going through.
Keep busy and keep going.

Lovely post from Gemma there

So sorry OP. Remember to be kind to yourself.

Do contact Winston's Wish. They were a great help to children of a friend when their non-resident parent, who was an alcoholic, committed suicide.

Very sorry to hear you are going through this. I don't have any particular advice to offer really... but I've read a lot of your posts and you have clearly been through hell with this and worked very hard to put things right. I'm also living with a problem drinker and I feel your pain. I echo what other posters have said that you should be as honest as you can with the children in an age-appropriate way and keep talking to them. You are clearly a fantastic dad and they couldn't ask for better support at a time like this.

The coroner's report has confirmed the cause of death was caused by her alcohol abuse. It was, at least, quick and in her sleep. We've now got to organise the funeral.

DS wants to go back to school tomorrow and DD on Monday. The difference in the response of the schools is huge. DD's school has been absolutely fantastic with a great pastoral support team. They've worked with us to come up with a solid support plan for DD and a strategy for who will be told what and when. I can't fault them.

DS's school has been utterly crap. His form's already been told without any input from us (DS was wanting to slip back into school with as little fuss as possible) and the bloke who's supposed to be pastoral support seems really uncomfortable with the whole thing. After the dust has settled I'm going to write a letter to the head suggesting they get this sorted out because DS can't be the only pupil there who this has happened to.

I'm very sorry. At least you haven't had to wait long for the coroner's report and you can move forward with the mechanical phase of grief - the funeral.

I can't believe how poor your DS' school has been. My ds has had to cope with the death of a classmate and it has been handled extremely well, with the school almost 'normalising' it for them, so last year's summer concert was dedicated to her (with her parents' blessing) and there is a memorial garden for her. The children feel very comfortable talking about her (and not talking about her) but feel she is still with them in some way.

The school should be doing everything possible to support your ds; I almost wonder if it's something schools should be OFSTED inspected on? Every single school must encounter a bereavement every few years, and should have a good plan to deal with it like your DD's school.

Have you been in touch with Winston's Wish? Please do take the support on offer - you don't have to shoulder this entirely alone.

Tell them that it's ok to cry and allow them to see you sad so they don't feel as though they have to "be strong" and bottle their emotions.

Hopefully you have a good support network of friends and family that they too can talk to.

So sorry and good luck.