Am I depressed?

[neededTOnAmechangedFORThis]

Hi
I have posted before about my DH and I. I don't really want to go over all that again, im so tired.
The bottom line is this.
At Xmas, my DH of 9 years went out on staff night out, and spent the evening with a colleague. They ended up kissing on the way home.

They then spent the next 6 days messaging via fb. All over Xmas.

I found the thread, (only a days worth of messages as he had deleted as he went)

I used the usual mn line " I know it all. Tell me now, don't lie"

He confessed. I told him to leave. He did.

At first be was talking about splitting and how unhappy he had been for ages.
A few nights at his mum's and he tells me he wants to make us work.

The messages had said they wanted to meet up. I am in no doubt they would have met and it would have turned into a physical affair.

I saw her in the street with her oh. I to him what she had done.

Now I cannot fault my DH.
To say he is a changed man is an understatement.

He has become the husband I always wanted. Loving, caring and interested in me.
I have never er felt so important.

It was a MASSIVE wake up call. He has no feelings for her.

So all should be well...

Except I feel like I'm ask to square 1 emotionally

I went absolutely berserk the day my period was due and screamed and ranted and raved at him.

I thought I was over it.

I'm not.

Now I just feel utterly bereft.

There is nothing more he can do.

I feel like I'm a walking zombie. I hate her.

Don't worry, he has had my wrath repeatedly over the last 6 months and has taken in. He would never have done that before. He knows he has done wrong.

She is still working at the same place. I actually feel rage when I think of her. She knew me from her previous job (last summer) I helped her, when I was pregnant. She planned tge when thing with dh.

He was total prick and fell for it.

I cannot move on. I feel utterly crap. I want to curl in a ball and weep

Tbh I would be surprised if you were over it. Did you expect to be?

He may be the perfect dh now but I would struggle with that I think. I think I would wonder why it took finding out he was a cheat to make him work at a relationship. I would be angry beyond reason I think.

Have you thought about speaking to someone?

My bf knows everything and she is my rock. She has been on at me to get a councillor sorted. In fact I had some kind of mental episode today [embarrassed] and she said she will help me find one this week.

I did think I would have moved on yes.

It was only a drunken kiss after all...

It wasn't just a drunken kiss. He embarked on an affair either that night or at some point earlier. He was thoroughly enjoying carrying on until he was stopped. When challenged he said he'd been unhappy for ages but, after a short time living at his Mum's, suddenly he changed his tune.

The reason you're still so upset is not because he was a prick who was easily led. He's a grown man ffs.... he knows right from wrong. You are angry and upset because he chose to lie and deceive you. In spite of having a go at the OW you feel no better because I think you know it's not her fault. She made you no promises, she didn't marry you 'forsaking all others' ... he did.

I think you are starting to realise the horrible truth that faces every person that takes the cheat back into their lives.... once the trust has gone, that sick feeling never leaves.

So what happens now?
Am I doomed to feel like a bag of shite forever?
Can I get over it?

Some people can get over it. Some can suppress their feelings and pretend it's all OK. Others find ways to get past the pain by self-medicating with alcohol or food. A few lucky ones enter counselling together and with a lot of help, a lot of effort and a lot of compromise find they can rebuild something that is different to the way it was before but liveable. But many others find the disgust and mistrust don't fade and decide that the prize (a cheat) just isn't worth it.... It's a judgement call.

He thinks I need counselling. He wasn't being nasty, that sounds awful. I just think to him it was so unimportant and he is devastated that it has caused/is causing me so much sorrow.

I can't punish him forever can I.

We have a social event I have to attend (once a year thing) and she will be there...

You are entitled to feel angry and hurt for as long as you damn well like. There's a line in 'Love Actually' said by the character played by Emma Thompson when her cheating husband says he's in the wrong and been a fool

Yes, but you've also made a fool out of me, and you've made the life I lead foolish too.

You are not punishing him. You have been made a fool of.

I like that line.
Although, did he cheat? Does a kiss and flirty messages count?

Surely I shouldn't feel this bad?

Some of the stories I've read on here are truly horrendus. I am a self absorbed Twat if I think my feelings are anywhere near those poor but brilliant strong woman.

You are not a self absorbed twat.
You were betrayed and he changed how you feel about him, and how you feel about yourself.
It doesn't matter how sorry he is to be honest - it isn't maths - if he is a bit sorry you can stay angry, if he is incredibly sorry you have to forgive him.

You don't have any responsibility for his guilt. You are not supposed to minimise your hurt because he didn't mean it.

You have to have integrity about your own feelings or how can you move forward. You don't forgive him yet. If you pretend because you feel silly, or because you feel obliged, you will never mend.

I know you are right. I think he has reached the end of his tether.
He is not cross, I just think frustrated that I am still upset when he has made massive changes.

I think I am starting to feel.sometging different though.

This is deep and dark. I feel hysterical with grief one minute at the loss of safe marriage and then I am insanely jealous and my head is whirring with what I will say to her on sat er day, then finally I'm numb.

I just want to feel normal

Yes he cheated. One kiss you could dismiss as a mistake down to too much booze or whatever. A kiss, a week of messaging and plans to meet up made in the cold light of day when there is no booze fogging the judgement is an affair. It doesn't have to be 'truly horrendous' to be extremely hurtful.

"This is deep and dark"

It's definitely grief. You're mourning the loss of something intangible which has to do with things like innocence, naivety, trust, security, certainty.... Things that, prior to this, you probably took entirely for granted. You may even have smugly thought in the past, listening to a story of infidelity, 'my DH wouldn't do anything like that to me'. And yes you're angry and lashing out looking for someone to blame. But you're directing your anger at someone who really doesn't have any influence on your marriage now and therefore you can add 'frustration' and 'futility' to the mix.

As a PP rightly said, this isn't a maths equation. Just because he has made massive changes, it doesn't change how you feel.

Thank you for acknowledging my feelings.

I feel like I did a month after I found out, it's like de ja vu.

I thought I was doing so well. My bf has said, I should.pity the ow. She has form for this (told dh she had had her 2nd chance when I told her dp)
And she must be unhappy with her dp to have dine it.

It makes me feel sick that she knows me though. She put her hands on my pregnant tummy ffs. I suggested the job at DH work and even put a good word in for her

No-one can force a faithful man to be unfaithful. You weren't at the party. For all you know he could have been flirting with her for months, wearing her down, doing all the chasing.... Suits you to paint her as the scarlet woman and obviously she's behaved badly, but it was his decision to hook up with her, he did it voluntarily & enthusiastically and he's the one you're married to... not her.

You're directing all your anger at this woman precisely because she's out of reach. The person you're really angry at is him but you're scared to properly express that anger because you know it'll be game over for your marriage..... That's why you're in such a mess.

I think it is partly dealing with the shock that those things in a relationship like trust, respect and loyalty that you took for granted (as you would!) with dh, didn't mean a thing when your dh was snogging and texting another woman. That is truely hurtful, that someone you invested so much in could treat you so poorly.
He sounds very sorry, but you are still coming to terms with what he did and how that impacts on who you are now and your feelings. It is difficult but time does heal and you are just going through a normal process. I'm in the same position, my dh didn't kiss anyone or have an affair, but he did some things I found incredibly hurtful. Sone days it is ok and some days I feel back to square one. It is very very difficult learning to deal and manage your own feelings.

I'm sorry you are going through similar hickory.
I've never felt so awful before

4 years on her OP and I chose to stay in my marriage and through couples counselling - his idea- and massive efforts from DH don't regret that decision.I did post a bleak post not long ago because it was coming up to the time of year of discovery and although DH cut all contact with OW. I now cross paths with her a couple of times a month unfortunately.Work related and don't want to go into details of that.
What I found was.It got better ,then worse again,then better.It went in stages.It is a kind of grief for the marriage you thought you had. The person you thought you knew.
What really helped most was individual counselling where I could safely vent my feelings about DH - and yes OW. Because sorry I don't subscribe to this crap that OW is blameless and has no bearing on the situation.Yes my DH was the primary cause of my pain.Yes my DH had responsibility to me and our marriage.Yes my DH chose to flirt,text and lie by omission.Yes he carries most of the responsibility for what happened over those months.But OW changed her routine at work to make sure she met up and also had form for sending suggestive e-mails previously I now know.The reason why her DH checked her phone no doubt.I'm not a robot that can switch off emotions so hell yes I was furious with her too,and will never change my feelings of antipathy towards her.If that makes me a bad person so be it.I can live with that.
It's very early days really after such a shock and betrayal,and these emotions come in waves.And the fact he still works with her,and you face the ordeal of a social function where she will be is enough to rattle the strongest person.Continue to get support from your friend, but consider the counselling for yourself and own your feelings to him- and her.You are not self- absorbed.You are grieving and feeling insecure.Understandable.

Thank you so much snuggle.

I'm so pleased u have come through it, I hhope.we do too.
I think he needs to understand that it is like waves and will ebb and flow until tge time comes when it doesn't rule my life.

It's great to hear your thoughts on OW too.
She sounds like my DH. In 10 year dh has never strayed, but I'm pretty sure she are it her mission to get him. Although ultimately she didn't get what she wants as he told her he wanted nothing to do with her.

It's a shame, I should be pleased "I won" but who wants to be winning a cheat?

What I could really do with some help with is this weekend.

I just don't know what to say or do. I will have to see her. I don't know if I want to be the bigger person and say nothin
Why should she be let off the hook?

I really want to speak to her
I don't know...

In a social setting like that my advice would be maintain your cool and dignity and don't speak to her.Nothing she says will make you feel better,and if it's 'oh well it was just a bit of fun' like OWs said to me you will want to slap her.And nothing you say will feel adequate to explain the feeling of hurt,loss and frustration at finding your life turned upside down.I only spoke to her because we were both alone and I could escape easily without having to talk to anyone else and pretend 'to be normal'.
If you feel so raw this week could you not give this function a total miss.If you were ill with flu you would,and when I when through a bad patch I learnt to cosset myself and put myself first. And my DH supported me in that.
By complete coincidence I saw OW today.And not a good day as things had gone pear shaped work wise and I was already flustered.But deep breaths and concentrating on all the good stuff and people in my life helped me see right through her.All the best.

Thanks snuggle
I feel like I need to see her in the flesh iykwim
Even if, I do or say nothing.
I just want to see her.

I feel for you op. It is very painful and the upset comes and goes. It is very unsettling when something triggers you and the rage consumes you as if it had just happened.
Don't given the ow any more drama, she obviously revels in it and you will just be feeding her ego. Look great as that will give you confidence and it really is up to your dh to support you in any way possible at the event.

I am getting my nails done Thursday!

All will be well with a shellac!

DH is somewhat pissed off with me as he thinks o should be over it by now....
Not sure how supportive he well be tbh

Thinks I should be over it now....
Sorry fat fingers on phone!

Look confident and happy in your own skin and show that confidence by not clinging onto your DP like a limpet... It'll do her head in more than nasty words and evil stares.

Promise!

Do you really have to go to this thing where you'll see her this weekend?
Few, if any?, things are completely impossible to get out of?
Does DH really have to go either?
Maybe you and DH could do something else together instead?

For what it's worth I think your feelings are completely understandable, and feelings can rarely be criticised anyway, but if you want relationship with DH to work from where you both are now you also have some responsibility to make that happen - if you decide that's what you want to go for.