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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Scared to text H to tell him ...

32 replies

Misabel · 30/06/2014 14:36

That I will not go away with him and the dc this weekend.

Bit of background: had terrible argument at the beginning of the month, usual abusive drivel against me.
Moved to spare room amd hardly any contact save basic interaction in front of dc. Weekends have been spent doing different things, not together.
H tried to brush it under the carpet, as usual. I want to end it all (years of this and more).
Weekend away was booked ages ago. I don't want to go. I do not want to spend time with him. Don't want to give false ideas that everything is ok. Don't want to go sulking as unfair on dc and all of us and on other people with us. i want to stay home alone.

Have been meaning to send text for days. (Don't want to say it in person as he could flare up and become verbally aggressive which means I either have to take it quietly or answer which means it will escalate it badly).

Is it ok to just say "I will not be coming to ..... I'll stay at home. You go with the dc."? Or Is it hurtful?

Any suggestion or opinion are welcome, especially if the give a bust to self esteem as even I can see it is thin.

Tia

OP posts:
Purplewithred · 30/06/2014 14:38

Wow, things really are bad. You really have to do this by text? Shouldn't you be having the 'it's over' conversation instead?

BitOutOfPractice · 30/06/2014 14:39

I would text

"Since you are incapbale of having a reasonable conversation with me face to face, I have decided to text to tell you that, in order to maximise the DC's enjoyment, you will not be coming away with me and the DC this weekend. This is not open for discussion."

Do you have plans in place to get away from him. He sounds vile

Original poster
Misabel · 30/06/2014 14:40

I should.

OP posts:
wallaby73 · 30/06/2014 14:40

It's not "wrong" to text him tgat, but what is wrong us that you are so unsure and anxious of his response and so utterly on eggshells.....you don't need to live like this and none of what you've described is "normal".......i think this weekend is the least of your worries although is more immediate...hope you fond a way forward -away from him xx

unrealhousewife · 30/06/2014 14:41

If you text him, what would he do when he gets back?

This might be the catalyst you need to change things but you need to be realistic about his response and be careful.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 30/06/2014 14:45

Agreeing with the PP. If he's likely to get aggressive when given this news I think your first concern should be anticipating that and staying safe. So don't text him but either have someone with you when you tell him that you won't be going on the weekend or alert the police non-emergency number in advance and contact them if he kicks off.

If you've definitely decided it is over then that's probably going to be part of the same conversation. So work out what you want to happen next but please do stay safe.

Original poster
Misabel · 30/06/2014 14:50

Totally agree wallaby.

I never used texts as always thought it unfair and a bit coward and that is what I worry about. But I am thinking now that I do not have to put myself in a situation where I feel cornered. And H loses it more when surprised. So by texting him he'll have more time to reason with himself.

Unreal, He might just not say anything or start an argument. If he does that I will walk away. I am not prepared to hear one more awful things about myself.

I wonder how will I say I want to end it if I struggle to say this. (I would like to say I don't want to go on holday together too).

Maybe purple is right, I have it back to front. if I have the "it's over" conversation everything else will follow...

OP posts:
Original poster
Misabel · 30/06/2014 14:52

Thanks Cogito, I Will not need the police as He is not phisically violent.

He is verbally aggressive. Which is indeed terrible but not dangerous in that way.

OP posts:
Lweji · 30/06/2014 14:54

I think you need to bid your time and figure out a good get out plan.

If you are that concerned, I'd try to find an excuse rather than confront now.

unrealhousewife · 30/06/2014 14:54

It does sound as though it is over.

What is causing problems with your relationship?

Lweji · 30/06/2014 14:55

Also, do not underestimate his capacity to get physical.

Thebluedog · 30/06/2014 15:00

I agree with Lweji... Be very careful, if he thinks it's the beginning of then end he my get more aggressive than normal.

Do it whilst you are out or have someone with you.

Original poster
Misabel · 30/06/2014 15:01

Lweji as I am not worried about him hurting me phisically only verbally I do not want to find an excuse. This is part of the issue, I would like to be able to say "I am not coming simply because I don't want to".

OP posts:
whatdoesittake48 · 30/06/2014 15:02

I would also text/email suggesting that some time apart would be a good thing and that when he returns you would like to discuss your future together. let him muse on that while he is gone.

unrealhousewife · 30/06/2014 15:03

What would happen if you sit down and have a grown up conversation about splitting up?

Original poster
Misabel · 30/06/2014 15:03

Maybe I should have not used the word 'scared', I am more worried or apprehensive about it. (Or maybe unconsciously I am!)

OP posts:
unrealhousewife · 30/06/2014 15:08

Describe this verbal aggression that he gives, and what are the chances he would just be upset and disappointed and sad that you feel like that?

Original poster
Misabel · 30/06/2014 15:08

Whatdoes, yes you are right. Will say that.

Unreal, I don't know. I would doubt myself, he'll make me feel it is all my fault and that I am entitled etc. I think. I just do not want to hear bad things about myself anymore.

OP posts:
Original poster
Misabel · 30/06/2014 15:14

He'll be def upset and disappointed. But he will not show it. He'll show anger. He'll attack me with sly and sarcastic remarks.

The verbal aggression goes along the following: "who do you think you are! You are a shit wife! You don't do anything for me. You are always miserable with me. You don't do anything all day while I work. Etc" it happens when we try to discuss something not on a daily basis. But of course you then feel you can't discuss anything he does not agree on...

OP posts:
Original poster
Misabel · 30/06/2014 15:15

Actually, He will be sad for himself, not sad about my sadness.

Shock that is a good point!!

OP posts:
unrealhousewife · 30/06/2014 15:17

It does sound as if there is no rescuing this relationship if all he can do at the first sign of trouble is turn it back onto you.

You need to tell him it's over, then maybe let him decide what to do about the weekend away and the holiday. Use that to make him feel as though he has control over the situation. Try and see a solicitor before you speak to him though, also talk to Gingerbread who will advise on financial matters when you separate.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 30/06/2014 15:17

The phrase you want here is 'sticks and stones will break my bones but names can never hurt me'. If he insists on stamping his foot and hurling insults you're really not obliged to listen, let alone take them seriously. Go out, go to a different room or put on some head-phones. Let him bluster away to an empty space.

unrealhousewife · 30/06/2014 15:20

He sounds like a complete idiot.

Sorry.

Lweji · 30/06/2014 15:35

I would like to be able to say "I am not coming simply because I don't want to".
What we would like and the reality may be different things.

I would have liked to have had a civil separation and divorce. It wasn't possible.

For your own safety and piece of mind, I think you need to be able to physically distance yourself from him as soon as you are ready to deliver the final blow that it's over.

Lweji · 30/06/2014 15:36

As much as Cogito is right, it was that attitude that led to the exH attacking me, because I was not reacting to his verbal attacks.
Do be careful.

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