Scared to text H to tell him ...

[Misabel]

That I will not go away with him and the dc this weekend.

Bit of background: had terrible argument at the beginning of the month, usual abusive drivel against me.
Moved to spare room amd hardly any contact save basic interaction in front of dc. Weekends have been spent doing different things, not together.
H tried to brush it under the carpet, as usual. I want to end it all (years of this and more).
Weekend away was booked ages ago. I don't want to go. I do not want to spend time with him. Don't want to give false ideas that everything is ok. Don't want to go sulking as unfair on dc and all of us and on other people with us. i want to stay home alone.

Have been meaning to send text for days. (Don't want to say it in person as he could flare up and become verbally aggressive which means I either have to take it quietly or answer which means it will escalate it badly).

Is it ok to just say "I will not be coming to ..... I'll stay at home. You go with the dc."? Or Is it hurtful?

Any suggestion or opinion are welcome, especially if the give a bust to self esteem as even I can see it is thin.

Tia

Sorry Lweji...

Lweji is right about being careful, after reading your account of his response to the usual disagreements, he uses verbal aggression and it works.

When you tell him you want to split, he will try the verbal aggression again - it won't work this time.

What will he do next?

Use the next best form of aggression which is physical. Hopefully he won't, but in case he does, make sure you are in an environment where he can't.

I have sent it. His immediate reply was "it will upset the dc".

Don't respond to that. At some point you will have to say DCs need a happy mother and that's best for them. Just make sure he understands what's happening first, make sure he knows you are serious.

Typical emotional blackmail.

I agree that you shouldn't respond now.

If he persists with that line, you can say that it is a good way of slowing adapting to being with the parents separately, or that it may be good for them to have a break from their mother.

But, again, thread carefully.

Thank you.

Dh has never been phisically aggressive in ten years. Not even remotely. Between the two I am the one more prone to slam doors and wanting to punch him tbh (not that I have ever done it). As you say, He may decide to start now, in which case I'll be careful, but I doubt it. We have taken a short break before and was very civilized. (A proper one might not be so I know).

I do not want to think about dv atm because it shifts the issue a bit. my weakness is verbal abuse: i shrink in front of it because of my own father. I grew up believeing it is ok to accept it iyswim. I need strength to fights words, not hands atm.

If he only remotely lifts a finger against me (and I truly don't believe so) I'll be out of that door with the dc in a second, i believe. I know my rights in that regards, I am not so sure when it comes to a husband who is all there on paper but not in spirit.

It is em blackmail as we often do things separately, even trips abroad with no qualms. In fact he often decides not to come, I always go because I know it may upset him

The dc will be fine. Lots of friends there plus H is great with them.

Will not respond.