Know he should leave but...

[user765]

Ok so I have been cheated on, lied to and manipulated by my dp. We have been together 5 years, have a mortgage together and a 10 month old baby. Within three months of her being born he embarked on an affair with a lady 11 years his senior from work. I have thrown him out quite a few times but each time he comes back and I take him back. Recently things have been better and more stable, and I know his affair has ended (but ow has gone a bit loony and seems to be in a bit of a revenge mission).

We still have fun together and on the surface appear like a normal happy couple, according to friends. Sometimes his moods are unbearable and he constantly tries to belittle me, makes jokes about my weight (I am a size 10 and know I am not overweight btw), says I live in a bubble and how nice it must be to have a year off work (still on mat leave). I know he is stressed from running his own business but he takes it out on me. He also tries to belittle me in front of friends, picking faults with me in a 'jokey' way and saying things to make me feel awkward in front of others. The other thing is that he watches a lot of porn. I just thought this was something men do but he does it every day, every night, sometimes first thing in the morning ( I check his internet history). Its not like he us sex deprived as we still have sex twice/ three times a week.

I love him but most of the time feel miserable because of this and feel on edge all the time because I never know what mood he will be in. when we talk about this he apologises and blames it on stress of work and pressure of providing for us, making me feel guilty. I love him and I want us to be a family and although I do all of the childcare/ baby stuff apart from an hour or two on a Sunday morning where he 'supervises' dd (watches tv while she plays in the same room), dd clearly loves him.

He is not himself and I keep thinking that this is just a bad patch brought on by the stress of buying a house and having a baby in a short space of time plus him working 12/13 hours a day to run his businesses. Part of me thinks we can get through this and in a year everything will be fine, but the other part thinks he will cheat again and I do not want to be this miserable for the next 5 ten years if things don't improve. I need to get out while I'm youngish (31) so I can meet someone else and have marriage, more children and a family. But if I throw him out for good he will probably end up back with ow as he will have nowhere else to go - he has distanced himself from family and friends - and the ow is just as deceitful and vile. Also I have seen emails where she encouraged him to take our daughter and run off with her. Apparently she was trying to get pregnant but couldn't (told me she was to wind me up).

I just don't know what to do anymore and end up doing nothing and am miserable as a result

No but. You will be much better without him.

So he insults you, disrespects you, has cheated on you, doesn't bother to help with the baby and whines about having to work to support his family. I'm failing to see anything in what you have described that means you should try and make the relationship work? You deserve more than this you know OP.

"Part of me thinks we can get through this and in a year everything will be fine, but the other part thinks he will cheat again and I do not want to be this miserable for the next 5 ten years if things don't improve."

If this was a friend telling you this story, what would you tell them? Would you be making excuses for the man that hates her or would you be urging them to get away?

That you are in two minds suggests that you are being very badly manipulated and he is exploiting this romantic idea you have that you can be any kind of normal family with this person. So what if he runs to the OW when you kick him out? Better he makes her miserable than you, surely?

I'd strongly recommend that you start getting legal and practical advice on the one hand and also gathering your friends and family about you on the other. Getting properly away from this man is going to be a very bumpy ride and you will need every scrap of support you can get

thing is that I can't get properly away from him because we have a child together. He is a solicitor so knows how the system works re applying for custody and knows how to manipulate things. I am terrified of him taking my baby to ow, who on the one hand wanted himto take my baby to her house where she she said 'there is a home for her where she can be loved and be part of a family' with her son (quote) but who also emailed me saying having my daughter was 'the biggest mistake of my life'. I cannot risk having this vile woman any where near my baby. Plus she knew he had a three week old baby when she began the affair ( I have evidence she came on to him). I also do not trust my dp to look after dd on her own as he has never done it and something always happens to her when he supervises her on a sunday morning. one time he was supposed to be watching her, he was sending photos of his privates to ow.

Plus if I kick him out I know he will use that against me saying I broke up the family unit.

perhaps he is not as bad as I make out and I am probably not as miserable as I sound. we do still have happy times together.

That you have a child together should not stop you getting away from this abusive individual. That he is a solicitor should not make you believe that he would successfully sue for sole custody. Please contact Womens Aid 0808 2000 247 and ask them to put you in touch with a solicitor that has experience of relationship breakdown where abuse/control/intimidation is present. Tell them everything... the porn, the repeated infidelity, the poor parenting.

Post split you are looking at a future of shared parenting and it's important to understand that and find ways to deal with it rather than thinking it is better to cling onto a dead relationship. She may be a 'vile woman' but I would argue that he is an even more vile man.

I love him but most of the time feel miserable

So you don't really love him then. Love is the opposite of what he makes you feel.

He is not himself

Yes, he really, really is. You wish he wasn't being himself but that's not the same thing.

He may be a solicitor but you can pay a solicitor so you're equal. Being a solicitor doesn't mean he's going to take your daughter from you. He will get contact but not full residence.

"Plus if I kick him out I know he will use that against me saying I broke up the family unit."

He's really messed with your mind hasn't he? There isn't a court in the land that would blame you for kicking him out given his appalling behaviour. You would not be 'breaking up the family unit'.... you would be protecting yourself and your child. He is the guilty party here.

I'm nowhere near as eloquent as Cogito.

I'm almost six months on from discovering my DH's affair.

In all that time he has never belittled me, been moody and bad tempered, even early on when he was obviously stressed and still had feelings for the OW.

Now he is very clear what he wants and that he loves me. He tells me all the time that he is sorry. If I get upset about something he comforts me without being asked. He has been for counselling to understand why he acted as he did and knows why it happened and has changed his behaviour massively. In short he is back to the lovely, kind man I married, not the selfish idiot he was during his affair.

And most importantly he plays his part in our family life without being nagged. He appreciates it so much more now he realises how close he came to losing it all.

If he behaved towards me as your DH appears to, I would have asked him to leave weeks ago. Even if it meant him running to the OW.

I think it would be unfair to accuse him of abuse. I can't say I feel abused, just treated appallingly.

surely there must be something salvageable in all this though?

Please don't make the mistake of thinking he'll change. I spent a long time waiting for my ex to realise his behaviour was unreasonable, to treat me more nicely. It didnt happen.

I think deep down you know what you need to do. Take a deep breath, feel the fear and do it. You'll be so much happier. He is bringing you down, you have one life, your dd has one childhood.

Treated appallingly= abuse. If he knows how sad, miserable you feel and continues to behave in the same way then he is abusing you.

Abuse = treating someone appallingly. What makes you think this treatment isn't abusive?

I don't know I suppose its that I feel he is not himself, like its not him that is behaving like this but it is a product of his life style/ work/life balance.

I don't want to throw away any chance we might have of being happy together and I desperately want us to be a family and for my daughter to have a mum and a dad together. I don't want to do shared custody. I also want to help dp as he seems lost and depressed.

I also can't take any more upheaval. this has been going on since February (it all came out in February). I couldn't bear seeing him go off to ow and have a happy future with MY baby who I have loved and cared for virtually by myself.

Financially it will be very tough on my own. we owe his parents £20000 for deposit for our house and I can't afford to buy him out. I wouldn't be able to get a mortgage on my own and couldn't afford to rent in this area so that means moving away from my friends and family.

A year ago everything was fine and we were happy, looking forward to our little baby being born.

I can't believe you would stay with a man who is cruel to you, shags other women and spends every spare minute on porn sites so that your dd can be spared meeting a vile woman you have never met.

She can't be more vile than the scumbag you live with, surely?

And why, in reality, would he want to take your dd to her place anyway? Sorry but affairs are for shagging, not babysitting. He just says that stuff because he's a cruel, manipulative bastard.

You can only improve your life by kicking him out. If he goes to the OW all she has won is a horrible tosser so good luck to her with that.

He is being himself! This is exactly who he is. Circumstances being difficult just goes to show you what a person is really like. Nobody is controlling his behaviour but him, this is him! You wish he was a different person but he really isn't!

its not just about that. I love him and when there are glimpses of his old self I realise I can't leave him

Sorry, bit of a cross post. You sound very sad and worn down, I didn't mean to hector you.

But still, I'm sorry that from what you say there's nothing to save here. He'd have to want to save it too and his actions clearly show that he doesn't.

when we talk about it he breaks down and says he can't cope with running his businesses, that he is trapped and there is no way out because he can't walk away from them or he will lose money, we will have no income etc. he says everyone will be better off if he disappears for good, he feels ashamed of what he has done. then I want to help him and support him and stick by him.

Sorry OP, but it is abusive. I spent years with someone who was like this to me, there were all kinds of "reasons" why he was like that. I thought I could help him too, and support him while he fixed himself. But he didn't want to fix himself. You can't "fix" him. A good person doesn't treat his/her partner appallingly for ANY reason. A good partner would talk to you about his stress, his work life balance, try to find a different way to do things, try to work through the problems, talk to you as his equal. Not treat you appallingly, and then blame it on external pressure. The reason he treats you appallingly is because is is not a nice man. Not because he is stressed.

Could you call Womens Aid for some advice as to your situation?

its ok MorrisZapp, you haven't said anything that isn't true but I do love him. I know all this but surely my desire to stay with him must count for something?

If he feels trapped and can't cope, then he needs to address his problems directly, not send pictures of his cock over the internet and screw around... No amount of work-related stress gives him the right to behave like this... he constantly tries to belittle me, makes jokes about my weight (I am a size 10 and know I am not overweight btw), says I live in a bubble and how nice it must be to have a year off work (still on mat leave). That's miserable bullying behaviour

If he felt truly ashamed he would do something about it. If he felt there were consequences to his treatment of you, he might do something about it. But neither are the case because you're still there, still tolerating the crap, still supporting him, still hoping that those glimpses of the man you love will become the reality 24/7.... and that's why nothing is going to change. He has no incentive to behave any differently.

You are being abused.

My desire to drink a bottle of wine a night is very strong.

But it counts for duck all, as it would be extremely bad for me.

Same for you with this toe rag I'm afraid.

"my desire to stay with him must count for something?"

No it doesn't. In the eyes of a bully, your desire to stay with him simply makes you weak and contemptible. He will tell himself that it's OK to treat you like shit because you keep coming back for more... anxious to please, looking for his approval, desperate to keep the family together, terrified of being alone. He will hate you if he doesn't already. Please save your love and affection for someone who deserves it.

But I just cannot throw away any chance we may have of being a family and do not want to be the one to makedaddy move out. I want to do eeverything I can to make this work for my daughter so she has a mummy and a daddy who live in the same house and are together. She is so tiny. she is just a baby.