Know he should leave but...

[user765]

Ok so I have been cheated on, lied to and manipulated by my dp. We have been together 5 years, have a mortgage together and a 10 month old baby. Within three months of her being born he embarked on an affair with a lady 11 years his senior from work. I have thrown him out quite a few times but each time he comes back and I take him back. Recently things have been better and more stable, and I know his affair has ended (but ow has gone a bit loony and seems to be in a bit of a revenge mission).

We still have fun together and on the surface appear like a normal happy couple, according to friends. Sometimes his moods are unbearable and he constantly tries to belittle me, makes jokes about my weight (I am a size 10 and know I am not overweight btw), says I live in a bubble and how nice it must be to have a year off work (still on mat leave). I know he is stressed from running his own business but he takes it out on me. He also tries to belittle me in front of friends, picking faults with me in a 'jokey' way and saying things to make me feel awkward in front of others. The other thing is that he watches a lot of porn. I just thought this was something men do but he does it every day, every night, sometimes first thing in the morning ( I check his internet history). Its not like he us sex deprived as we still have sex twice/ three times a week.

I love him but most of the time feel miserable because of this and feel on edge all the time because I never know what mood he will be in. when we talk about this he apologises and blames it on stress of work and pressure of providing for us, making me feel guilty. I love him and I want us to be a family and although I do all of the childcare/ baby stuff apart from an hour or two on a Sunday morning where he 'supervises' dd (watches tv while she plays in the same room), dd clearly loves him.

He is not himself and I keep thinking that this is just a bad patch brought on by the stress of buying a house and having a baby in a short space of time plus him working 12/13 hours a day to run his businesses. Part of me thinks we can get through this and in a year everything will be fine, but the other part thinks he will cheat again and I do not want to be this miserable for the next 5 ten years if things don't improve. I need to get out while I'm youngish (31) so I can meet someone else and have marriage, more children and a family. But if I throw him out for good he will probably end up back with ow as he will have nowhere else to go - he has distanced himself from family and friends - and the ow is just as deceitful and vile. Also I have seen emails where she encouraged him to take our daughter and run off with her. Apparently she was trying to get pregnant but couldn't (told me she was to wind me up).

I just don't know what to do anymore and end up doing nothing and am miserable as a result

"I don't know I suppose its that I feel he is not himself, like its not him that is behaving like this but it is a product of his life style/ work/life balance."

Enough with such poor excuses of him. No, this is nothing to do with his lifestyle or work life balance. That's your own denial of how bad things are talking here. This is the real him and the writing was on the wall re him a long time ago. You for your own reasons stayed, such men do not change.

Your desire to stay with this man will be the ruin of you ultimately; death by 1000 cuts I believe it is called.

What would it actually take for you to leave this awful man; he has done far too much damage already and that has already been done.

Is this the role model of a relationship you wish to show your child?. Surely she deserves better as well than this?.

You state you love this man; do you really love him because he clearly does not live you at all. You really have no idea at all of what a mutually respected and loving relationship actually is and it certainly is not this dysfunctional role model of one. All this as well sounds like a codependent relationship where you are far more dependent on him than he is on you. You are codependent and he hit paydirt the day he met you because you have and are settling for so little. Is that really what you learnt about relationships when growing up as well, what sort of relationship example did your own parents set you?.

"But I just cannot throw away any chance we may have of being a family and do not want to be the one to make daddy move out. I want to do eeverything I can to make this work for my daughter so she has a mummy and a daddy who live in the same house and are together. She is so tiny. she is just a baby."

Ah the sunken costs relationship fallacy rears its ugly head again. You forget here that the damage has already been done. It cannot be repaired. You are not a family, he has destroyed any chance of that happening by his actions.

If he is not interested you cannot bail out the sinking ship on your own. its not her fault that her father has been nasty and unfaithful towards her mother and you cannot burden a child with a choice that you made. She will not thank you for staying with him and could well end up resenting you for doing so because she could then ask of you why you put him before her.

What did you learn about relationships when growing up?. I have a feeling you learnt some pretty damaging lessons.

Cogito and the others are bang on here; you are being abused by this arse of a human being.

im not terrified of being alone. I have been on my own for weeks when I did ask him to leave. I do not seek his approval. I think he has seen a different side of me because I have laid down the law to him. neither am I anxious to please him. I want to do what makes me happy. although I am miserable when things are good I am happy. that is the whole dilemma.

Abusers can be nice sometimes because if they were awful all the time, no woman would ever get together with them. Also you can get over invested over time in the "good" times. But if you look at it properly the good times have really been few and far between. So far you have taken back this person each and every time he's strayed; what has that done to your self esteem and worth?. Overall its lowered it each and every time.

Is he really worth it because I think not and all he will do is drag you and your child down with him. He is already doing that now. Surely you value your own self more highly?. And if not why is that?.

You state you are not terrified of being on your own, well prove that to your own self properly and kick his sorry behind out. NO man is above the law and he is not as powerful as you think he is.

Of course you're happy when things are good but it sounds like things are only good when you lay out your self-respect and invite him to use it as loo paper..... I know you don't want to hear it but that's how ever single abusive man operates. They present little flashes and glimpses of their nice side and they apologise and promise reform... or they say they'll seek help... or they only act so crazy because they love you so much that you make them that way.... It's all bullshit and simply designed to keep you onside.

I'm glad you think you're laying out the law to him but I'm afraid, if you don't follow through, you've lost the little credibility you had with him.

Please do not insult my parents or background. my parents have a loving, respectful relationship and are still together after over thirty years. I think perhaps I am clinging on to that ideal. that is what I want for myself. I thought I could have that with my dp.

His father however did exactly what he has done. multiple affairs and is now married to one of his ow, lives other side of country and only sees my oh. his other two children are virtually estranged from him. his daughter doesn't speak to him.

Thank you all for your advice and support but I feel I must stick to real life support as I think insulting me and my family background is not helpful to me. I am not weak. I just want a happy future for me and my daughter. I am not asking people to take sides.

I also fear for my partner's mental health. and no that is not me being weak and a sign of me being manipulated.

If he has MH problems he needs a doctor. Has he volunteered to go to his GP? Does he see that he has a problem?

It's not an insult to ask what messages you learnt from childhood. Your husband has learnt that men do whatever the fuck they want, act on selfish impulses and are entitled to fuck whoever they want despite being committed to someone else. What makes you think you can change that in him?
You're upset by this thread because you don't want to hear what people are saying. Come back when you are ready to hear it.

Sorry OP but I would guess he will cheat again given the chance, you've left him off already so why wouldn't he.

He also speaks to you with no respect and humiliates you in front of others.

You know yourself you should separate, you can both still raise your daughter but unless you make a stand and let him know you are not going to stay around for any more mistreatment, I bet you find once he sees you are happy to get on with your life without his crap to contend with, he might even make an effort to change, who knows.

And btw, we all have stresses in life, nothing justifies having a sordid affair. You said it yourself, you have taken him back time and time again, maybe if you stop doing that, you might actually have a chance of some trust.

No-one has insulted your parents, op. you are getting defensive because you don't want to acknowledge the fact that your DH is an arse.

You have laid down the law? No you haven't. You may think you have, but you've let him come back numerous times; where are the repercussions of his affairs/behaviour? You take him back, you do all the childcare, you do the housework; - he thinks you sit at home all day for a year.

Give him a shock; kick him out and mean it. Get some thinking space - if he wants to continue the marriage, he will use that time to think about what he wants (and so can you). If he goes straight to OW, well, you have your answer. He is tye one who is 'breaking up the marriage' . Not you.

You cannot repair a broken relationship on your own - he needs to want to repair it also.

Neither your family nor your background have been at all insulted in any way. Your man has basically followed his own father's example, this man was never ideal relationship material to begin with at all.

You've been cheated on, lied to and manipulated by this man for the past 5 years. I doubt very much as well that he has any sort of mental health issue at all. He actively enjoys seeing your discomfort and knows that he can do as he pleases because you take him back every single time. His power and control over you is absolute.

What makes you think that your own future with this man can be any brighter?. It has not been and it will not be either. The next five years will pan out exactly the same.

If your own parents marriage was a happy one, where did you learn to accept such ghastly treatment of your own self?. You are kidding yourself royally if you think you are at all happy and that your DD will have a nice future. She will not and you will not as long as this man is at all around.

cheated
lied
manipulated
within three months of [dd] being born he embarked on an affair
his moods are unbearable
he constantly tries to belittle me
he makes jokes about my weight
he takes [his stress] out on me
tries to belittle me in front of friends, picking faults with me
he watches a lot of porn
I never know what mood he will be in

I just don't know what to do anymore [Yes, you do]

I do not want to be this miserable for the next 5 ten years [You said it]
I'm youngish (31) so I can meet someone else and have marriage, more children and a family. [So you know what to do. Do it.]

Comes in points to above message .. What she said op