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Original poster

Please help

28 replies

Fall78 · 29/06/2014 14:57

I had a baby ecs 8 weeks ago i am
Getting married in 6 weeks. My h2b went on his stag weekend when baby was 4 weeks old. Didn't hear much from him bit miffed as I was still in pain. When he got back I asked usual questions strip clubs? No fair enough I thought.

Last night out on my hen with other girls who's DPs were on stag and it all came out the guys paid for my H2b to get a private lapdance.
I am devestated :( feel so horrible as it is then this makes me more insecure.

He doesn't see big deal (why lie then) and said it was five mins no touching. Is this a good enough reason to call off the wedding I am
So drained please advise :(

OP posts:
swingofthings · 29/06/2014 15:04

Of course it isn't. It wasn't his idea and probably felt defeated when he saw what they had done, went along with it because it is what was expected, but didn't enjoy it.

Why lie? Well because of the reaction you happen to be having now?

Surely your relationship is more than being upset about something that is traditional, unfortunately often expected and was imposed on him?

I got married last year and I did wonder if my OH's friends would arrange something like it. He said that they wouldn't, but I wasn't so sure. What I was sure about was that OH would have cringed at the idea and would have counted the minutes until it was over. It isn't his thing at all. Thankfully, his friends know that and that's why they didn't bother.

You've just given birth and understandbly feel exhausted, vulnerable and a tad insecure which is probably the reason why instead of just being unhappy about it, you are considering breaking up the engagement. Assuming all was perfect in your relationship before this episode, are you really prepared to give up on spending the rest of your life with the man you love and father of your child over something that he had no control over?

SweetErmengarde · 29/06/2014 15:04

Personally, I wouldn't call off a wedding over a lapdance....but I would for a lie.

That's the real issue, isn't it? Not that he caved to peer pressure and behaved like a walking stag night cliche, but that when you specifically asked him about it, he was comfortable lying to your face.

He has shown that his approach to difficult situations is to deceive you to avoid a hard conversation; that would make me at least postpone and re-evaluate, if not cancel altogether.

ShineSmile · 29/06/2014 15:06

Are you able to postpone your marriage till baby is a bit bigger?. Not because of this incident, but because you need to get your energy back together after the birth. The 1st couple of months after birth are very stressful, and planning for a wedding is v stressful too, I wouldn't want to be combining both.

Dirtybadger · 29/06/2014 15:11

Completely disagree with the above poster.

You don't need us to tell you what your boundaries are, they're yours. No one gets a medal for marrying someone they aren't sure they want to marry. What I would do, or someone else would do, is irrelevant. How we would feel about it and what it would mean to us is different.

Your dp isn't a puppy. He said he didn't even go to a strip club, let alone had a private dance. If he thought it was okay and knew you'd he okay with it, like you say, why lie. It doesn't matter if everyone thinks its acceptable, the lying shows that he knew you'd be uncomfortable with it. Fuck "tradition". It isn't the act which is the problem, it's doing things despite knowing they would upset you.

Hugs to you because I feel for anyone having to go from baby to wedding within 4 months. Your mine must he all over the shop.

Sure someone else will he along with better advice.

Take some time to yourself to get your head straight. Is everything else going well, he's pulling his weight with the baby, was good during the pregnancy, etc?

Dirtybadger · 29/06/2014 15:11

X posted. I meant the first response.

JeanSeberg · 29/06/2014 15:16

I absolutely would call off a wedding and consider my future with a man who visits strip clubs. Never mind the lie.

In your shoes I'd be asking him to move out for a while to give me time and space to consider what I want to happen next.

RhondaJean · 29/06/2014 15:18

Of course it's enough reason to call a wedding off.

T doesn't matter what anyone else's boundaries would be with regard to this, you have your boundaries and this crossed them, and then he lied. D you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who would rather lie to you than admit he has done something you wouldn't like?

And who is now minimising and doesn't think it matters.

It doesn't make any difference if other people would be okay ?ith it if you are not. And don't let anyone tell you so.

Nomama · 29/06/2014 15:32

If it horrifies you then that may explain the lie. Stupid as it was, there were others there who were never going to keep a good time a secret, he may have lied to avoid horrifying you.

BUT you have just given birth and are knackered. Which may be making this worse, from your perspective - and his too, possibly. His 'no big deal' response could be a defensive 'eek' on his part.

You are the only one who knows whether or not he is a strip club goer by nature. Was he unthinking/unfeeling enough to organise a strip club, or was it all his mates idea and he just went along with it? That being how some stag dos work.. nastily, giving the groom his last 'taste of freedom' and all that testosterone fuelled shite.

If he is and that is unacceptable to you then, go for it, cancel/postpone the wedding and have a good rethink.

But be sure you aren't to knackered to think straight when you make that decision. I think stag dos are designed to cause maximum damage in any relationship that has the teensiest chink in it... and a brand new baby and knackered new mum aren't the tiniest of chinks.

Original poster
Fall78 · 29/06/2014 15:57

I'm
Just completly shocked. He was on a stag last year and argued with the same group of friends because they went to a strip Club and he found it degrading to women and I was so proud of him for that. Then a year later he gets a private dance.

Is it because I've saggy boobs and Belly now he needed to look at a perfect woman. I feel so shattered I just want him to tell me that's it didn't happen but obv he can't. If he'd been honest at the start I think I could of got through it but the lie just makes me think what else can he lie about.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fall78 · 29/06/2014 15:57

Our baby is amazing brilliant sleeper healthy and absolutely beautiful x

OP posts:
AngelsInWinter · 29/06/2014 16:17

Fall - not a chance! I used to work in a strip club (not as a dancer!) and I can assure you that the dancers were absolutely not "perfect". I remember saying to one of them I'd never dare get naked in front of random guys as I feel very self conscious since having a child. She said "I've had a child too" then proceeded to show me her Caesarean scar...

I would be gutted too if I was n your position but that's because I'm very insecure. This does seem to be a tradition with stag dos and I find it ridiculous tbh - did the men never think to visit a lap dancing club before?! Hmm

I think your DP lied to you because he didnt want to hurt you rather than he secretly got a kick out of it, but I could be wrong. Obviously he was really drunk and I know that I'm a different person when drunk...

JeanSeberg · 29/06/2014 16:41

He was on a stag last year and argued with the same group of friends because they went to a strip Club and he found it degrading to women and I was so proud of him for that

Do you still believe this?

Original poster
Fall78 · 29/06/2014 17:30

Yea I do it was talked about by the others

OP posts:
Nomama · 29/06/2014 17:39

So you need to keep on believing that and consider the possibility that that incident was probably why his 'friends' organised the lap dance.

Have a chat with him, see if he is really ashamed and just defensive. Then ask him if he is up for telling his friends that you have cancelled the wedding because of it... and then seeing what their reactions are. Turn it back on them.... don't give them the satisfaction, give them an effin great scare.

independentfriend · 29/06/2014 17:52

The problem here seems to stem from his stag weekend being arranged when you had a four week old baby, so he missed out on a weekend of hard work with a tiny person, for something at least intended to be fun [however much he did or didn't enjoy it].

That was bad planning on someone's part and/or just what happens given babies are unpredictable about when they arrive.

Have a think about how you might feel about all of this if you weren't caring for a newborn and bear that in mind in how you respond to it. I'd have a big problem with being lied to, though I wouldn't care about strip clubs/lap dances. YMMV.

schmee · 29/06/2014 18:02

I would certainly postpone the wedding. Make the excuse to guests that your baby is too little and you want to focus on him/her rather than getting married.

Then work out how you feel about this.

In your position I would believe that it was bought for him and that he was peer pressured into it when drunk.

But you need time to get over this (or not, as the case may be) and getting married now before you've had time to process this is probably not the right thing for you right now.

Itsfab · 29/06/2014 18:13

ANY reason is good enough if you feel in your heart your feelings have changed. Why does it make you more secure though? Has he said he wants to be with the lap dancer?

Your man is an idiot. If he didn't want the lap dance he should have said so and not let himself be pushed in to it Hmm.

He didn't need to look at a perfect body so stop with that nonsense.

Toooldtobearsed · 29/06/2014 18:52

Did he just get caught up in the moment? Had he had too much to drink? I am old, but I still remember being young, and I may well have felt the same as you, but with the benefit of age, I would honestly say that if this is the only instance of 'misbehavior', then try to let it go.
What would you have done on a hen party if an idiot friend had provided a stipogram? Left everyone behind in disgust, or just gone along with it, but then been so mortified afterwards, not to mention it to HTB?

Forget this one instance and consider the rest, then spend the rest of your married life merrily taking the piss out of him for it Grin

Original poster
Fall78 · 01/07/2014 01:36

It just isn't getting any easier I haven't are in two days.

It's the not knowing is killing me why did he have to go into the private room? We hadn't had sex in around 8 weeks before his stag and I do know he was sexually frustrated so I'm worried something else happened. He said there was no touching but any description I read says there's touching. Plus he didn't know what was paid for and still willingly went on.

He keeps refusing to talk to me about it and says he doesn't have to explain himself it was his stag. I'm mental apparently. I know I haven't been easy to live with after the baby but I really thought he loved me. Now I know he doesn't it's destroyed me

OP posts:
Original poster
Fall78 · 01/07/2014 01:40

I've been told his brother organised it all and the brother told me that he'd asked what he wasn't allowed to do and I didn't say anything. Tbh I can't remember this conversation as I was nursing my baby but why would any guy think it's ok.

I feel deep down he's only marrying me for show not because he loves me

OP posts:
Dirtybadger · 01/07/2014 01:47

Sounds like there's a lot more to this. He called you "mental"? Errrr. Even if you were overreacting (perhaps it was over something much less significant) that is a horrible thing to say.
Why do you feel he doesn't love you?

It sounds like you need to post pone, at least. Even if you're "being mental" (you're not)- its important for both of you that you enjoy your wedding day and mean the vows you take.

Fwiw I know people who've had private dances. They weren't allowed to touch. Two people I know had a private dance from two women; they gave each other oral sex. Still no touching, though.

Original poster
Fall78 · 01/07/2014 08:48

I feel like he doesn't love me because he did this when he knew how I felt. I've woke up today even more broke I know what I have to do but I just don't feel strong enough. He said the girl danced and took her bra off that's all I want to believe him but I'm not that stupid that she didn't touch him

OP posts:
Nomama · 02/07/2014 12:19

Sorry fall, you are navel gazing now!

Do you want to get over this or is it the deal breaker?

I think you have to make that decision. He made a mistake, is it one you cannot forgive or forget? Or can you park it in the 'fucked up but harmless' box?

Anything else, any longer, is having a pity party, all on your ownsome too. Don't do that to yourself. Stop wallowing in it, drip feeding us today's poorly feeling. DO SOMETHING!

Start putting yourself back together.

hamptoncourt · 02/07/2014 16:47

I wouldn't marry him because he is refusing to discuss the issue with you when you have explained how important it is to you. He has told you he doesn't have to explain himself to you - fuck that!

And to top it all off he is calling you mental?

Do you have somewhere you can baby can go to get away from him?

No way would I marry a man who treated me like this.

hellsbellsmelons · 02/07/2014 16:55

Is this a good enough reason to call off the wedding?
In answer to this question... for me.. NO it wouldn't be.
I'd not be entirely happy but I would understand it's 'what happens'

But this is YOU and how YOU feel about it.
YOUR boundaries, not ours.

The fact he called you 'mental' is not good though.