Thinking about foster care. Totally broken and don't know what to do :(

[extremepie]

Posting here because I can't deal with the shitstorm I would get from Aibu :(

So much shit has happened in the last year.

Me & husband of 8 years broke up.
I lost my job, my home, my social life and all my friends.

I have no friends now and only my sister in terms of family - she is brilliant and loves me, she does as much as she possibly can but she works full time so is only really available for talking/help with the kids evenings and weekends and she has a life of her own!

Recently (about 5 days ago) my boyfriend cheated on me & we broke up. He was literally my only friend except my sister and now my world had totally collapsed.

I feel so ridiculous being like this over a man but I feel like this is just the straw that broke the camels back and I can't deal with life anymore :(

I'm worried about my children when I'm in this state. My 2 boys are 7&6, my youngest has fairly severe autism and at the moment I just can't cope. I'm crying all the time. I lock myself in my bedroom most of the time, I still give them food & drink & everything they need physically but I can't bear to leave the house in case I see him with her :(

I'm shaking and feel sick all the time, I'm weak and constantly in pain from the hunger but I can't eat.

I can't sleep, I'm exhausted and relying on herbal tablets to help me drift off but I wake up an hour later and can't get back to sleep :(

I don't want to take antidepressants as I'm worried if I get them I will take all of them. I've been thinking about hurting myself and I don't want the kids to witness that :(

What do I do?

I'm thinking that maybe I should ask my social worker to place the kids in temporary foster care. I'm worried I can't look after them like I am and if I keep trying and failing I will just end up killing myself :(

I was changing my youngest sons nappy yesterday and he tried to put his hands in the poo, which he always does and I just totally lost it at him, I screamed at him so viciously he started crying and I was so tempted to hit him. I'm so ashamed of myself for acting like that, and it isn't fair on him. Would it be best for them to be looked after elsewhere until I can care for them again?

Feel so weak and pathetic and worthless right now, they deserve better :(

Please help me know what to do. It breaks my heart to think about putting them somewhere else but I'm worried off them and for myself if thru stay :(

How are you OP? X

I think you sound like an amazing mum, putting your children's needs first like this. Good luck OP, I'm rooting for you too and hope you get the help that you're asking for.
Remember that change does happen, you won't feel like this forever and be kind to yourself.

hey OP, lola is right, you are putting your children's welfare and safety before yours at a very difficult time.
Our situations are not the same, but I suffer from generalised anxiety disorder and can relate heavily to your feelings. I used to be suicidal as well.
The fact that you are not in denial is another step towards helping yourself and your boys, too.
I find it hard to admit that I need help, but you are doing excellently.
Your communication skills are clearly good and you are willing to help yourself. (I hide away and deny that I need help)