Family lives overseas. Special event. Am I expecting too much?

[LDFamily]

I've name changed but I'm a regular. I'm feeling a little hurt right now by a family situation and need some advice, and I need to type how I'm feeling so I don't say it to those involved :( It'll be long I'm sure!

Backstory

I live in a different country to my family and the time difference is around 15 hours. I'm one of 4 kids. It's just mum and us 4 plus our spouses now. My older sister has 2 children, she's the only one with them.

You'd think (or I did) that with the fabulousness of today's technology that keeping in contact with family would be easy. Well it is, but it doesn't mean it happens. I'm on facebook (and have a smart phone so almost contactable 24/7), I have an app that allows free texts and calls yet I NEVER hear from my older DSis unless she wants something (either for herself or one of her friends) and of course there's always Skype.

I don't see my niece on Skype unless my mum is baby sitting. As she lives in a different town this has been about 3 times in the last 2 years. My DSis is "too busy" to find 10-15 minutes to hop online for us to bond, and I guiltily feel myself caring less and less (self preservation and all that).

I've tried talking to my sister about it. I've talked to mum and the same happens to her (only contacted when DSis wants something). We can't make her change. I can only keep trying and I just don't know how long I should continue to try. Maybe when DN is older and is able to make the decision herself things will change, but when it's just up to DSis I just don't see it changing.

The first Christmas with my DN my sisters husband flipped out because they were "pandering to the person who CHOSE to move overseas" (his words). I left the timing completely up to them (just gave them the time differences) and I sat around for hours waiting for them to be ready. I just feel like it's important to spend special functions together and make that effort. It's only a couple of times a year.

My DSis has since had another child and I have yet to see him on Skype. He's several weeks old already. I only realised that as I was typing this... wow I feel bad that I didn't realise until now :(

Access to money, or computers, or internet is not a problem here. Both my DSis and her DH have good incomes, even with DSis on mat leave, and have several computers and an internet connection. Same goes for me.

Present Situation

It's my DN's birthday party today. I was told a couple of days ago, by DSis, that they'd hop online so I could see her opening the present I got for her. I didn't want to nag so only sent a msg around 9pm my time because I hadn't heard anything (noon their time). I received a response at 11.30pm my time telling me the party is over and that my DN was napping and would be until 4.30-5pm (1.30am my time).

I know that DSis was extremely slack about organising the party. She still hadn't got the decorations the day before and mum had to go a day early to baby sit so her and her DH could finish getting what they need.

I know all this but I'm still hurt that it wasn't a priority, or even a thought, to find 10-15 minutes for me to say hi in the morning their time. It just makes me want to stop trying. I know that will make me the "bad guy" though.

My DB suggested I just ask them to record it. The whole point (I think) is for me to interact with DN as well, which I can't do from a vid.

Please tell me. Am I being precious? Should I just suck it up? Should I say anything?

I think you're being a bit precious. I understand you are hurt but I also understand your sister. I'm the one living overseas from my family and I have two children. I'm so busy during the day that with the time difference, I find it hard to call/FaceTime my family. Then when I finally get the kids down to sleep, I'm too exhausted to speak to anyone.

There may be more to your relationship with your sister that is causing you to feel so hurt, but from a surface glance, I'd say it's not about not having time for you, it's about not having time/energy for anything other than taking care of her children.

It is hurtful but I think you need to withdraw and see what happens. It maybe that your BIL finds your need to connect with his dd a bit too full on and is influencing your sister.

If she calls you only when she wants something then you dont need to give her what she wants. You are in control, you can say to her that it doesn't work for you and you unable to give what she wants.It sounds like she wants people to pander to her rather then it being the other way round.

Spend time building relationships in your new country so you dont waste time on your sister who is clearly not interested. Fill your life with good experiences and fun people, dont hang onto negative people who are not interested in you. It is hard becsuse dhe is your sister but if she wasnt would you be friends with her in real life?

I am the one who moved away and it has meant my DDs don't have a relationship with my DB or his sons at the moment. However when we are back in the UK in a few years time I see no reason why we can't get to know them all. I talk on the phone to DB so he knows what we're up to and I know what his family is up to.

It is a right faff talking together over even a 7 hour time difference so I think you are expecting too much when it is a 15 hour difference. What realistically are you going to say to a small child? It isn't going to mean much to her really is it?

I would say bide your time and visit when you are in the UK. Take nice presents and show an interest. A living breathing aunt will mean a lot more than someone on a screen.

Sorry maybe that was too long to make sense of all at once.

I haven't seen my DSis or DN on Skype since Christmas (and I was only online for the hour). As it was DSis couldn't be bothered sitting to talk to me so it was just a wave and a "hi" then present opening. I've been living overseas for 5+ years now.

I received msgs from my DSis when she wanted to talk about a bday present for DN, and then most recently when she wanted me to do something for DM because she didn't want to. I try and msg her asking about her day but I get monosylabbic answers so I just stop trying.

I don't see how BIL could think I'm too full on with his DD, because I'm never given the chance to really talk to her. I wave, I clap, that's the age she's at. I'm the person "in the TV".

I understand with a normal day/night and regularly it might be hard, but I'm talking specifically special events, like DN's bday.

I feel I should also mention my sister is VERY judgmental. She's well known by everyone for it (not just family). She hates that I moved here and constantly judges where I live. She hates that I don't visit more often. She thinks I should move back asap. She likes to pull the "you CHOSE to move overseas" any time I mention the emotional distance.

I think you're both right though. I just need to stop caring. I do feel guilty because it's not her DC's fault. I just need to not hold a grudge and be here for her DC's if they need me.

I can't tell whether or not you have small children yourself, but it isn't always that simple to get them to be available in front of the PC at the right time.

Also, some people just find that whole 'talking to a screen' thing incredibly awkward - I have tried skyping my DH when he was in the US, with DS on my lap, and it just didnt work...DS was looking the wrong way, trying to grab the keyboard...

They have a new baby too! Your sister might be up at all hours, breastfeeding etc.

What about landline calls? Expensive, but they might give you what you want.

Also, I do agree that you were the one who moved and therefore there will be effects upon your family relationships, meaning that you have to make more of the effort from now on eg.going back for visits. Sorry.

If someone was important enough to me, I'd make time or drop lots of little messages etc

The fact that they don't tells me that she just sees you as a sister in title but doesn't feel bothered enough to maintain a relationship.

It sounds really tough. I've been on both sides and it's hard when the kids are so little.

Do you ever go back and visit? Has your sister always been like this, before you moved?

Think there is more to this than a bit of Skypeing would solve. We lived aboard when dc were smaller and being a bit remote and uninvolved in what happens at home is part and parcel. She has a small baby , give her a break. Making time to call you in the throes of a hectic day with an overexcited child is asking a lot imho.

All of the above points are likely to be true. She also doesn't like it that you are doing something different and possibly exciting. I think You need to withdraw and expect far less from her.

I would stop killing yourself over this.

Ask for videos, or photographs of them on these occasions, as mentioned, the kids don't really connect on screen, my DS hates having to stand there chatting to family back home, even with a good relationship.

What he does love are letters, postcards, photographs and parcels in his name. They don't have to be extravagant - comics, paper plane kits etc are easy to pack and provide lots of joy.

When we made the move abroad (and we are only an hour on the plane) we had the same from some people - it was your choice, you created the complication. Ok, well we did, but when it's in reverse I couldn't be happier for people following their dreams and making life an adventure. So I just put that attitude down to jealousy on their part tbh. They are missing out on cheap holidays and new experiences with their bloody minded attitude.

I'd recommend you coming over to the living overseas boards too, where we have regular vents on these subjects with other like minded souls.

I'm sorry, but you sound very precious about this.
You're not close to your sister. You might want to be, but you're not. She doesn't want to be.
If she's not close to you, why would she care about her kids being close to you?
It sounds like you are desperate to keep family links because you moved away - but you have to accept that it's not going to be possible.
If her daughter is at the waving and clapping age, then Skype will be awful. Her attention span for it will be zero, or 2 minutes. Talking on the phone will be worse. My daughter adores her cousin, both 6, we can't get anything out of them on phone or FaceTime!
Your niece will bind more with you in a day when you visit once every 2 years (or whatever) than you will by a rubbish phone call once a month!
She's what? 3? She doesn't care. I'm sorry that's harsh, but it's true.
You have a mum and 2 other sisters. Chat to them, and stop trying to force something that isn't there with this other sister, and her daughter.
You say she's judgemental and only talks when she wants something. Well, you judge her - and do you boy talk to her because you have a need to feel a family connection?
It really is time to drop it I think.

Interesting the words you use to describe your sister. You say she is "judgemental" because she doesn't like the fact you have moved abroad - rather than saying anything about her being upset, hurt or sad. You say she was "slack" about organising the party, rather than that she was rushed off her feet or finding it hard to cope. She might well be judgemental and slack, of course, but maybe that is not all there is to her behaviour? It sounds like you are so upset that you can't see any other possible explanations.

I've been abroad for 20+ years and "out of sight, out of mind" is true. When you don't see your relatives in the flesh you don't think about them as much; I notice that in myself. We used Skype a bit when it first came out, but it is extremely awkward; personally I find a telephone conversation more pleasant. My sisters never contact me of their own accord, ever. My mother does so rarely. But I know that this is not because they have any problem with me; it's more that we have never phoned or emailed each other and wouldn't do so if I lived in the UK. Visits, yes; calls, no. Recently I've been going through a difficult time, and I could sit around angry with them for not calling me once as I look forward to divorce in a foreign country with few friends - but honestly, I'm not exactly there for them, am I? And I did choose to move abroad. And they don't see my miserable face to remind them that I might not just be getting on with it. If I want to talk to them, I can phone them and they will have a nice chat with me. If I sit around waiting for them to call me, and sulking when they don't, it will just make me all the more miserable.

Not sure why it is that your sister has to initiate the Skypeing, btw. Why don't you phone up and say "Hey, grab the kid and let's Skype now!"?

Just noticed the bit about the party.

So she was organising a children's party, having recently given birth but you are calling her slack for her lack of decorations and disappointed when she does not set up skype calls with you on a very busy day?!

I think that you might need to adjust your expectations.

I'd like to say that its great you are showing an interest in your neices and nephews. Lots of people with the chance to see their family at the drop of a hat can't be bothered.

Maybe reflect the distance by getting involved in a different way - regular small amount for their savings instead of presents? (its hard to know what to get gifts right even when you see them all the time). Send photos of where you are and things that are special about your chosen home. Make time to see them when you visit and - eventually - offer the opportunity to come and stay with you when they are old enough.

Oh yes, the baby is only a few weeks old! And her oldest is two? three? How is your sister doing? Was it a complicated birth; how is she recovering, physically? Can she walk and stand for long periods? Is the older child jealous and having tantrums? Difficult time.

I sorry but I think you're being overly harsh on your DSis & definitely being too previous. You did choose to move away, so it's up to you to make more of an effort (I say this as someone who moved away).

Also, with 2 v small children, just getting through each day is an achievement, so expecting her to factor you into the birthday party plans is too much.

I think you need to reset your expectations & if you want to be closer to your sister & her children, then you need to go home more often. I wonder if she's very hurt that she's just had a brand new baby & yet you don't have plans to go home & meet him yet??

Precious, not previous.

I think the issue with your DSis and DN are separate issues. Of course the feeling that your DSis does not want to make time to Skype/chat with you when you feel you are making the effort is upsetting. When my DB went travelling for 2 years my mum found it incredibly difficult that he hardly made contact. We waited for hours on Christmas Day for him to remember he was meant to be available. We have just come to the conclusion that he is not that good at staying in touch. When we meet we get on great, when we are apart we know he will make contact if he needs us.

Your DN on the other hand, I can see that you want to make an effort to be part of her life, but as PPs have said, small children really are not interested in Skype, etc. it makes them uncomfortable and they lose attention very quickly. My DS's dad lives abroad and rarely makes it back for Christmas (not for the last 3 years). This year DS (who is 10, so older than your DN) said to me, "why do I have to waste time speaking to dad when I just want to open my presents? It's his choice not to be here with me" - and that's his dad! So I can completely see how it would be difficult for your DSis to encourage your younger DN to take time away from present unwrapping to speak to an aunt who she hardly knows.

I think I would back off for a while and see what your DSis reaction is. She may realise when you no longer do the chasing that she has to make done effort or you may have to come to terms with the fact that you have a nice time when you see each other, but contact is minimal otherwise.

I may have misread your OP but do you make the effort to make the first move?? Or are you waiting for your sister? Because it really bugs me when people say "oh I haven't heard from you for ages!!" No? Well the phone works both ways!!!!!!

I'm in practically the same type set up that you are. Chose to live overseas, the rest of my family is abroad. Visiting back and forth is too expensive.

I don't skype with any of them - my mum is too tech phobic, my siblings are all busy working full time and first it was raising kids, then it was grandkids at the house and other things going on. We talk on the phone when we can, but contact mostly by email or facebook, as it's easy to drop a message on there or post a picture of the kids or video and the other can look at it when it's convenient for them. It's just not a huge deal. Perhaps because I come from a military family, where we're used to people living in different areas and less contact, we just make do with what contact we can.

The time difference obviously plays a part as well. During the times that I'm awake, there are only a couple hours during the day that I would be able to contact them anyway, and there's no guarantee that I won't be busy with something else during that time.

I do think your expectations are too high. If you want to see footage of a child opening a present you sent, ask the mum to film it and put the video on facebook or email it to you, so you can see it. Yes, it's less interaction, but be realistic. These things happen. Chat on the phone when you can and hopefully through visits and as the children get older, you can see more of them on skype when they can interact more. Send things to them through the post if you want to have more frequent contact - as a mum, I like to encourage my dcs to write letters (good writing practice!!) to relatives who write to us. How do you think people stayed in communication before FB and such - they still remained close through other means. It is possible, you just need to be creative and - most of all - flexible.

Agree with PP. Also I am a bit that you managed to skype with DN for a whole hour which you describe as only an hour?

I wonder if the expectation was 5 mins of skyping they might be a bit more amenable to it?

I'm the one in my family who moved overseas, and have 2 young children. I web chat with my family, but with day to day life and the 8 hour time difference it is a lot of effort sometimes. I think you're being a bit hard on your sister, OP.

With everything going on, vague times to chat don't work for me, but if I make a date in advance to Skype, then I can cope with that better. Perhaps pick a day and time when you're free and you think your sister might be available and ask if you can Skype for 20 minutes then? A more specific and direct approach might be worth a try.

And I know it sounds awful, but when I'm chatting on the phone with my sister, I can multitask - I can be tidying the kitchen, mixing up cake batter, folding clothes. When on skype, you kind of tied to the computer - you can't get anything else done. An hour on skype would be impossible in this house!! An hour on the phone has been done loads of times! I'd say go for a more reasonable time of less than 20 minutes - and NOT on the day of a child's party. Next time maybe aim for the evening before, or better yet, the day after, so they can thank you for the present "in person" so to speak and things are less hyper and stressful.