MIL-no judge in the world would convict me...

[Fortheloveofjebus]

Namechanged as I need to offload!

The saga of the toxic MIL continues.

DS is five months old and a super high needs baby (reflux/CMPI). The last five months have been the most difficult of my life but we're slowly seeing some improvement (just as I'm gearing up to go back to work-hohum!)

Anyway, MIL a a flipping nightmare. She lives less than a 10minute drive away, yet has seen DS maybe 10 times in his life. Despite knowing the military scale of operation required to get out of the house, she refuses to come to ours because "she has stuff to get on with" and we're expected to drive over to hers and LEAVE DS with her so they can "bond". She regularly texts on the day to tell us to drop DS off to her (as if we don't have a life/plans of our own) and, when we refuse, she goes off in a strop, resulting in weeks of silence and no visits from granny (shame...)

She is obsessed with the idea of having him overnight and I am not keen. She barely knows him and shows no interest unless it is on her terms. I know I ave to concede at some point in order to avoid WW3, so I agreed to DS spending the afternoon with her today, on the proviso that she gets a travel cot for him to nap in. Not an unreasonable request, I don't think? I'm not happy with him being on a bed/mattress on floor because he moves so much and is rolling over. Equally, I'm not happy with her sleeping in the same bed because I avoided co-sleeping and don't really want anyone sleeping with DS at all; the smooshing risk is all too prominent in my mind.

When told about the need for a cot and no to the co-sleeping, we got a lovely round of "well it was good enough for DH's granny and for me...".

Fast forward to last night. Surprise, surprise, the travel cot she was borrowing "fell through" but we weren't to worry, she made DS a nice bed on the floor with sofa cushions.

This is a deliberate ploy to undermine and get her way. It's manipulation on the sneakiest scale and I hate it.

We have literally asked nothing else of her since DS was born and I don't think it's an OTT request. It's about the safety and comfort of DS and she's turned it into a power struggle. She wants to send a clear message that when she says jump to DH, he will always ask, how high?

DH -against my wishes-has taken DS over to hers this afternoon for a few hours so she can spend time with him. I am beyond angry that she STILL gets what she wants even when acting like a total moo.

Sorry. Just needed to rant as DH is caught in the middle and refuses to grow a pair where his mother is concerned.

AIBU to tell him that unless she starts to respect our wishes and respect how we live our lives, then she will only see DS at our house when is convenient for us?

OP you do not have a MIL issue you have a DH issue.

How dare he take DS when you expressly said not to?

I could not and would not live with a pathetic mummys boy like this. If he is going to continue to prioritise his mothers wishes over yours what will you actually do?

So did he just come home without ds? Where did he say they were going when he went out with him?

Well, see what happened when they get back. Then, if it was a bit fractious you can then get DH to insist she visits you... as he won't want to go through that again.

But if it all goes swimmingly you are going to have to bite the bullet and let go a bit from your end. That power struggle takes 2 to maintain. As long as your DS is safe and happy you don't need to prove anything.

If there is any hint of co sleeping you get to withdraw visits to her. You don't need to be logical, you are the mum. She understands that or doesn't get any overnights. Your DH would support that, wouldn't he?

Oh, and stop forcing him to go against your wishes. Find a compromise before he leaves or you are handing her another opportunity to belittle you and undermine DHs opinion of you. Continuing visits to her gives you lots of opportunities to talk it over with him and work out how to deal with her in a way that you both feel happy with.

Agree with hamptoncourt - your DH needs to back you up here. And you do not have to allow her to have him over night. You are his mother, you have every right to say no. If WW3 does follow then your DH needs to handle it.

She is going to put a baby down on sofa cushions on the floor to sleep? Completely inappropriate. If she doesn't spend a bit on a travel cot then he doesn't visit. Safety has got to come first and DH needs to understand what could go wrong.

My wonderful MIL bought a proper wooden cot when DD was on the way and it has been used by 5 DGC now. SIL and I were very grateful to her.

I understand the sleeping arrangements aren't really the biggest issue here, but would say it would be advisable for you - as the parents - to buy a travel cot to pass on to friends/family when needed for your DS.

Exactly your problem is your dh he needs to stand up to her and support you- it's your ds if you're not comfortable it shouldn't happen end of no if it buts

I totally get that your MIL is a nightmare.

But I don't understand the cot issue. You want her to buy a travel cot? Do you have a travel cot? Why not just take that, after all the whole purpose is that you take it with you when the baby travels. If you don't have one now there's a good chance you'll need it in the future and this way you'll know its safe and clean.

I think expecting her to source one when you'll probably want one too is expecting a bit much.

However, as I said, doesn't stop her being a complete nightmare.

Buy a travel cot for her. Problem solved

Agree with Kinky re the travel cot. Supply the equipment you want to have used and give long and patient and repeated explanations of how to use it.

I still remember in laws/my parents and car seats and still many years later clench my teeth at the fact that none of them ever really 'got' why they were so important to Dh and I.

I know I have to concede at some point in order to avoid WW3,

No, you don't.

I have a fab relationship with my youngest DGC (8 months) who always wants to come to me

Far too young for me to have her overnight, imo.

Just Say No.

You DON'T have to let her have him overnight! I never understand this. If all parties are up for it then obviously it is fine, but she sounds flaky and crap and you obviously don't want to let her have him overnight. So don't.

I have not left my children overnight with anyone, I see no need to. I am not a martyr or anything, I just have not seen the need or had anyone appropriate to impose upon.

I totally get the whole issue but I woud buy the travel cot. Dh was very wrong to go giants your expressed wishes though. Undermining.

I co sleep with my own children when they are babies but I would NOT be impressed at someone else doing it.

Co-sleeping would have been better than sleeping on the floor!

It's still weird though.

It is, isn't it! I mention the co sleeping as that was the intention of the MIL.

Take his pram for him to sleep in? She wants to see the baby, it's her GC why not allow him to go as and when she is happy to have him? You say it's on her terms but I think you want it all on your terms.

I've never heard of anyone demanding a travel cot be bought for a baby visit. If there's no harm or risk I think you should think about the lovely relationship your children will develop with their granny. Positive relationships are very beneficial to child development.

Fucking hell, DS was 9 years old before he spent a night away from home!

Why is the OP sole boss of whether baby sees the grandparent? If it was other way around & the woman saying how much she wanted her child to see her parent although her husband forbade her she went anyway, none of you would say how dare you undermine your DH so outrageously.

Double standards or what.

*Whether MIL is a loon is a another issue.

Nobody is saying that the GP can't see the baby. OP just does not want her baby's safety compromised if the GM does not have somewhere safe for him to sleep.

If i'm reading this right, it's just a daytime nap? Can he not nap in his pram, or on the floor on a blanket or two? If you really want him to have a travel cot I think you would have to buy o e.

You absolutely DO NOT HAVE TO LET HIM SPEND THE NIGHT WITH HER. There is no way on earth I would agree to this. None at all.

Don't do it.

She sounds hard work but so do you.

If you are so fixated on your baby sleeping on a travel cot and nowhere else, then buy one for her.

I get the impression you are looking to make a mountain out of a molehill so you can justify a big argument and rift.

And I agree with the poster who said that your DH is entitled to make a decision about his child without being overridden by you.

my mum had DS1 overnight when he was about this age. I told her he was a very bad sleeper but she insisted and "kept him up late so he would sleep in" ha ha ha ha ha - he woke at 5 a.m.
Serves her right - she didn't invite him again until he was about 6

Obviously he is too young to stay elsewhere overnight and you can put your foot down about that with a straight face, but you've surely got to give a bit with the daytime visits. Why did you expressly forbid your child's father to take him out this afternoon? Its also rather ott to insist your mil buys a travel cot just so your son can have a nap. What about his pram - won't that do at his age?