MIL-no judge in the world would convict me...

[Fortheloveofjebus]

Namechanged as I need to offload!

The saga of the toxic MIL continues.

DS is five months old and a super high needs baby (reflux/CMPI). The last five months have been the most difficult of my life but we're slowly seeing some improvement (just as I'm gearing up to go back to work-hohum!)

Anyway, MIL a a flipping nightmare. She lives less than a 10minute drive away, yet has seen DS maybe 10 times in his life. Despite knowing the military scale of operation required to get out of the house, she refuses to come to ours because "she has stuff to get on with" and we're expected to drive over to hers and LEAVE DS with her so they can "bond". She regularly texts on the day to tell us to drop DS off to her (as if we don't have a life/plans of our own) and, when we refuse, she goes off in a strop, resulting in weeks of silence and no visits from granny (shame...)

She is obsessed with the idea of having him overnight and I am not keen. She barely knows him and shows no interest unless it is on her terms. I know I ave to concede at some point in order to avoid WW3, so I agreed to DS spending the afternoon with her today, on the proviso that she gets a travel cot for him to nap in. Not an unreasonable request, I don't think? I'm not happy with him being on a bed/mattress on floor because he moves so much and is rolling over. Equally, I'm not happy with her sleeping in the same bed because I avoided co-sleeping and don't really want anyone sleeping with DS at all; the smooshing risk is all too prominent in my mind.

When told about the need for a cot and no to the co-sleeping, we got a lovely round of "well it was good enough for DH's granny and for me...".

Fast forward to last night. Surprise, surprise, the travel cot she was borrowing "fell through" but we weren't to worry, she made DS a nice bed on the floor with sofa cushions.

This is a deliberate ploy to undermine and get her way. It's manipulation on the sneakiest scale and I hate it.

We have literally asked nothing else of her since DS was born and I don't think it's an OTT request. It's about the safety and comfort of DS and she's turned it into a power struggle. She wants to send a clear message that when she says jump to DH, he will always ask, how high?

DH -against my wishes-has taken DS over to hers this afternoon for a few hours so she can spend time with him. I am beyond angry that she STILL gets what she wants even when acting like a total moo.

Sorry. Just needed to rant as DH is caught in the middle and refuses to grow a pair where his mother is concerned.

AIBU to tell him that unless she starts to respect our wishes and respect how we live our lives, then she will only see DS at our house when is convenient for us?

These issues are so complicated.

I don't really see the harm in a child taking a nap on cushions.

I also understand the side that says your husband has every right to make a decision about his child too. If he was to say your child wasn't allowed to sleep round your mums would you override him? I do think that your husband should have stood up for you but at the same time without knowing more of the back story, maybe he thought you were being unreasonable and being petty.

However, there may be a long history here of other behaviours which makes everything she does seem 100x worse. I was like that with my mil. I found it hard to separate her unreasonable behaviour from her reasonable behaviour and in the end, everything she did was wrong; even if it wasn't in hindsight. Sadly, because she did so many shitty things it got that way.

Can you tell us any more of the history between you?

And I agree with the poster who said that your DH is entitled to make a decision about his child without being overridden by you.

Maybe that's true, but it would have been a cold day in Hell before my DH took my baby away from me to somewhere I didn't want her to go.

Pushchair surely fine to sleep in. Or you buy the travel cot and take it round. Surely would be useful for you to have one.

Ok she might be a nightmare, but the sleep thing sounds like a non-issue, power struggle thing.

So you think your wishes were more important than your husbands, nanny?

I never understood that. I never felt I had the right to tell my husband where he could and couldn't take his own children. The only time that is acceptable would be if he wanted to take our children into a very dangerous situation, and sleeping on cushions for a nap doesn't fall into that category. I never felt I trumped my dh because I am the mum.

Like I said, there is probably a massive history here and that could change my opinion, but taking the op at face value I don't see why it was wrong for her husband to take his child for a visit. If there is more history and she is truly toxic then that changes everything of course.

I have my DGC to stay very often. My DD or DS get a night with their partners and the DGC love to stay with us. I have a great relationship with them

If you are not ready for him to spend the night that's ok and your dh should support this.

But, you should be buying the travel cot for your ds and aking to hers when needed.

So you think your wishes were more important than your husbands, nanny?

Rationally, no. But it wouldn't have been anything to do with logic.

Have to say I agree with nannyogg. Rationally, I don't think my wishes re our kids are more important than my dh's but I wouldn't allow anyone (even him) to take them somewhere I am pretty uncomfortable with them being. It's a mama bear thing. Luckily it's never been put to the test. ( I think I would also try to pay him the same respect though and wouldn't take our kids somewhere he didn't want them to go.)