Flying Monkeys causing massive anxiety.

[KingJoffreysBloodshotEye]

I've posted before about going NC with Narcissist SiL.

She's already started texting DP asking why I'm no longer on FB (I am but she's been blocked as she writes nasty comments) and why I haven't responded to her (3) texts.

It's because I need to group. I was suicidal after her last visit. Actually suicidal. I have depression and anxiety and her bullying was just too much for me to cope with.

She was also pretty vile to DS, very unpleasant to him and about him.

DP just text back that he didn't know. He does know. I've told him and he's fine with it. He just didn't know what else to say. If he told the truth she'd laugh about how ridiculous the idea of her being a bully is and turn herself into the victim.

I've missed a call from MiL (who lives with SiL - they're very co-dependent) this morning.

She hasn't called me for weeks because she wanted us to lend her money and we didn't have any to give her. She then called twice at times when she knew I'd be asleep (work nights).

I'm terrified of calling back. I'm sure it's going to be a Flying Monkey scenario with her wanting to know why I'm not speaking to her precious daughter.

Do I just be honest? Explain the above, explain how SiL makes me feel and how I can't deal with her at the moment? Or will that just give SiL more power?

I've mentioned that many of SiL's friends and family have ditched her because of her behaviour. MiL is more than aware. Is there any chance she'd understand?

:(

I remember a previous thread about your SIL coming to stay and wanting 'brother-sister' time... she really is something else. Have you seen her again since then?

No. That was back in April (or whenever the Easter holidays were). After that I had a proper relapse (had a nervous breakdown in 2012) and was really ill with depression for a couple of weeks. I stayed behind at work one morning to fill in some paperwork after an accident (nursing home) and didn't get home until gone 9am (shift finishes at 8am and it's a ten minute walk) and DP was beside himself. I'd been so depressed he thought I'd killed myself.

:(

After that we just exchanged polite texts. Then MiL had a chest infection. SiL's friend sent flowers which prompted her to have a go at DP for not doing the same. She said he was 'lacking' which totally fucked me off.

A while after that I rang her because she'd text saying she hadn't heard from either of us ( ) and she was vile to me. She was at a friends house. When we're alone she's okay, when she has an audience (even DP) she horrid to me.

That was my last communication. I decided at that point I'd had enough.

I had the other thread removed because I was terrified she'd see it. Wish I'd kept it now as a poster mentioned a sibling rivalry thing which totally made sense. But it's gone. And SiL does fit most of the narcissist characteristics.

Another point, if I don't answer the phone/speak to them I won't say something I regret.

I will text MiL later (before I go to work) and just say sorry I missed your call, and say I've been really busy lately.

:)

Agree with others that you can just ignore. NC is the only sensible solution here IMO.

But you only need one sentence....'No! I am not having this conversation'

I stuck to that for 6 months - and will start it again should I ever have to speak to her again (maybe not 14 years have passed )

I actually started this No Contact thing in an attempt to establish some boundaries.

She doesn't have any.

Apart from being rude, asking for money, disciplining my son (because he left some chicken on his plate) and generally telling me how to live my life she has no physical boundaries.

Last time she visited she went through our drawers, looked through our cupboards, rifled through DP's hobby room (which she didn't even need to go into), helped herself to things which you should really ask before you take, turned on our heating, etc.

She's like a bull in a china shop the way she just barges into our home/life.

I thought if I established some distance then we could have a more formal relationship rather than this weird chaotic merging where she takes over my home/life/boyfriend/child.

I've pretty much accepted that will never happen.

She's still welcome to visit our home to see DP not that he'd ever organise anything or give her a straight answer, she'll just have to be polite to me and DS and respect my property. Or if she can't manage that then ignore me entirely. I think that's fair.

Angel, you MUST NOT ever let this bitch back in your home! You've already said that she's got no boundaries, so having her step over your threshhold would be the very worst thing you could do. If she wants to see your OH face-to-face they need to do it somewhere else. What if she does come to visit, are you going to go away somewhere to facilitate it. No, you bloody-well aren't!

No contact means NO CONTACT. None of any kind. Ever.

You longer you do it, the easier it becomes.

But love, she's done enough to you personally and to your ds NOT to ever be entitled to set foot in your home again, ever!

You don't have to call anyone or speak to anyone you don't want to.

Your DP here is a bollocks, he knew full well why you're not in contact with SIL, and he did the shrug and wimped out. He could have said 'After the way you treat her, you really need to ask? Leave her alone and if she feels she wants to contact you, she will.'

Switch the phone off, and actually change numbers when you have a moment.

She won't anyway.

All plans to visit are made through me, she knows DP won't give her a straight answer - he's not one of life's organisers. If she does contact him he'll ask me and I'll tell him to organise whatever he wants. It won't happen.

He finds being alone with her hard. When she asked for 'brother time' he looked genuinely panicked.

And he saw the affect she had on me last time. He won't put me through that again.

Your DP here is a bollocks, he knew full well why you're not in contact with SIL, and he did the shrug and wimped out. He could have said 'After the way you treat her, you really need to ask? Leave her alone and if she feels she wants to contact you, she will.'

He did actually offer to say all of that. Was me who give him the 'I don't know' response. Partly because I don't want her to know she's 'got' to me.

If I do ever need to explain it I want to be able to give an air of 'I couldn't be arsed with her attitude.' rather than 'She made me depressed and suicidal.'

I don't want her to know she has that kind of power over people.

Ok, understood, but why did you do that? Because you were fearful of fallout. I get that, but it seems to me that failing to read this woman her fortune is precisely why she carries on and on.

No response would have been better. The 'I dunno' merely adds to HER being in the right, as she's treated you like shit, and not even your dp knows anything about it.

Sometime or other, someone is going to have to tell her that it's not acceptable to treat people so badly.

Couldn't be arsed too is undermining your position.

You are well within your rights to have said, "your behaviour towards me and my family isn't right, and i'm not allowing you the space in my life to do it again. We're done. It's over"

You do have a right to be angry, and very angry at that. Sad too, because it is sad. Please don't allow depression to rob you of the right to feel what everyone else would feel if confronted with a bitch like her.

Sometime or other, someone is going to have to tell her that it's not acceptable to treat people so badly.

But she knows.

Her cousin, father and best friend of 10+ years have all dropped her. Her other best mate and brother have slowly distanced themselves.

She must realise there's a common denominator?

She does have other friends but they're all gradually settling down, having children, getting promoted, etc. They'll gradually move away from her weird way of life.

KingJoffrey I think that, with support, you are going to have to face this at some time. If you still want contact with your MIL and not with SIL but they actualy live together, then at some point your SIL is really going to twig and is going to kick off.

From all you're said you are absolutely making the right decision to go no-contact btw. If you looke back in 5 years' time after NC and think again that you were nearly suicidal over her aggression, then I think you'll see very clearly that she is no good in your family's lives and you will wonder why you put up with it for so long (just wondering - have you got a habit of putting up with people being unreasonable and unpleasant? she siunds awful and certain she's no good for you).

Ok, how to manage the fallout? Someone said above that repeating "no im not having this conversation" is a good idea. I second that.

I would actually think the best way to handle this is to be aware you're coming up for a fight, to think of your husband and family and draw strength from that. And to -answer- the phone next time, to tell her very clearly you want no more contact and that that is that. Do not get engaged any furhter at all. Think of her as a squalking parrot if she says anything at all, and throw a blanket over the cage- do not listen and end the call.

In all further communications that SHE begins, keep repeating "no I'm not having this conversatoin" and walk away / put phone down.

It will mean facing the war for a time. It will, and that will be hard. But this is for your family and your husband and yourself. Knowing what's coming will help you deal with it.

Ensure you do things to look after yourself. Exercise, mabe a massage or things you like. And if you can, counselling with a skilled counsellor you click with. Keep talking on here - you'll get bagloads of support.

Also, ask your husband to TELL her to stop contacting you all too. Im sorry but saying 'i dont know' to him if he offers to tell her to bog off, is not helping you.

If necessary, change your phone too and let the MIL contact you only on the old phone.

It may be that your MIL cannot handle all this and you end up accident;y NC with her too, if SIL makes her life too hard. But this is a small price to pay when you have been feeling suicidal over it. This is pretty appalling, you know, that it's got that far. Your health has to come first!

It'\s terrifying facing an awful woman like this, but you have help and support and again - your health comes first. You gotta, in this case, but yourself first

I don't get it, if you were me I would turn my phone off and only turn it on to call someone and would tell everyone that you don't want DSIL mentioned in your presence. End. You are juggling the needs and wishes of all these quite selfish sounding people when you are the one whose needs should be coming first. Stop it.

If you don't know what she and mil are saying you won't fret about it.

But you will worry too much about what others think of you so prob won't dare do this.

Am using my phone to MN from. Is on silent now though.

On pay day I'll look into changing my number.

Don't really care what SiL thinks/says about me. Don't want to fall out with MiL but it might be unavoidable.

There's no one else to mention her. Small family. DP never really mentions her.

ok so DP actually has set some boundaries that work for him and it's actually you who is letting her in. just stop.

if needs be change your phone number and claim to have lost your phone and not bothered getting a new one. just do not give them your number and make them go through their brother/son rather than use you as the weak link who they know they can get to whereas he can ignore them.

just stop.

The weak link thing is totally true.

A while ago they 'needed' DP who was out and had not answered his phone. It was me who was hounded with calls demanding I get him to call.

It's also me who they come to when they want to organise a visit. They know full well DP will be vague and annoying to put them off.

SiL knows full well DP ignores his phone.

You're absolutely right.

I've stopped. Definately. Will change my number/phone on payday. Phone on silent until then.

I think my main concern is them badgering DP. But he can deal with it. I've already pointed out that SiL knows she was utterly vile to me so it shouldn't be a surprise that I've had enough!

She knows. She's just rewritten history. Bitch.

Another call...

She knows full well that I'm in bed as I'm working tonight. Too stressed to sleep though.

Our 'row' happened a month ago.

WTF is going on?

What kind of phone do you have. Someone may know how you block numbers.

Great advice already here...just wanted to add...where you say that you don't know if your responses are 'normal' due to ASD etc....they're normal for you...which is all that matters.
I beat myself up for a lifetime thinking my responses to bullying/abusive DM and DB were not 'normal' (because they told me it was me who was wrong and I believed them). Turns out I have a similar range of 'stuff' as yours and guess what...not only are the responses totally valid whether you've got stuff or not, but they are actually picking on your 'differences'...because you are different to them. How low is that??? Once I had that little revelation in my own scenario I've found it a heck of a lot easier to ignore, ignore, ignore...Stay strong x

Attack, attack and then attack some more

Go ring her and say I'm working nights don't keep phoning

Thing is they don't like you so attacking them isn't going to change that as they still will not like you.

But bully's are cowards and once you start attacking they will back down and lick their wounds and really be the victims, but who cares they wanted to be the victims anyway - so now they are

I know this is hard, and you're frightened somehow, but this is your life and she doesn't have to be in it.

If she rings again, answer it and say. 'i'm sleeping, don't call me again'

Narcissists don't 'get it' they refuse to entertain the feelings of others as it just doesn't fundamentally matter to them how you or anyone else actually feels. Anyone and everyone is collateral damage in the way of their whims and wants.

My mother will play the la-la-la game for eternity if I let her, despite telling her to her face, by email AND text that she has to take responsibility for her behaviour and treatment of me and my son, and no, it's NOT normal for someone to call the police on her mother because she was aiding her H in his ranting and raving at her daughter and grandson in their own home.

In the end I texted her to say that i'd not be in contact again. Since then i've heard nothing.

She could fix this. By recognising that her behaviour was so far away from acceptable it's not true. She could apologise and i'd accept it, but she won't. Facing up to what she did would make her a terrible person and my feelings aren't worth her feeling bad about herself.

No, subtle doesn't work with these people. Polite doesn't cut it. You have to be blunt, clear and with a few independent witnesses tbh! :)

That would be: 'I was sleeping. Don't call again' and hang up

If you keep on avoiding she will keep on ringing, she has unfinished business. At some point you have to grab the bull by the horns, beard the lion in its den, etc.

Have a sentence in mind, do NOT say hello or anything by way of greeting, just say your sentence, sternly, then hang up!

Go on... dare to. You will feel better once the first time is over and done with. You have nothing to lose but that nagging feeling you have given up your peace of mid to a total harridan/lunatic!

I will text MiL later (before I go to work) and just say sorry I missed your call, and say I've been really busy lately.

Just say you were asleep, factual and no one can read anything into it

you don't need a new phone - you can just call and ask for a new number on the grounds you are being harassed. i know from when i went non contact with my family and my sister would not stop sending abuse via text.