Flying Monkeys causing massive anxiety.

[KingJoffreysBloodshotEye]

I've posted before about going NC with Narcissist SiL.

She's already started texting DP asking why I'm no longer on FB (I am but she's been blocked as she writes nasty comments) and why I haven't responded to her (3) texts.

It's because I need to group. I was suicidal after her last visit. Actually suicidal. I have depression and anxiety and her bullying was just too much for me to cope with.

She was also pretty vile to DS, very unpleasant to him and about him.

DP just text back that he didn't know. He does know. I've told him and he's fine with it. He just didn't know what else to say. If he told the truth she'd laugh about how ridiculous the idea of her being a bully is and turn herself into the victim.

I've missed a call from MiL (who lives with SiL - they're very co-dependent) this morning.

She hasn't called me for weeks because she wanted us to lend her money and we didn't have any to give her. She then called twice at times when she knew I'd be asleep (work nights).

I'm terrified of calling back. I'm sure it's going to be a Flying Monkey scenario with her wanting to know why I'm not speaking to her precious daughter.

Do I just be honest? Explain the above, explain how SiL makes me feel and how I can't deal with her at the moment? Or will that just give SiL more power?

I've mentioned that many of SiL's friends and family have ditched her because of her behaviour. MiL is more than aware. Is there any chance she'd understand?

:(

[tribpot]

So your DP was genuinely worried you'd committed suicide because of the emotional pressure of his family, but not to the extent that he will actually tell them to fuck off? Stop trying to make this less difficult for him and focus on your own needs. You have made yourself ill trying to avoid conflict with his appalling family.

When they realise you have changed your number they will go to great lengths to get it again - this is a power play. They want to speak to you to re-establish their power over you. Your DP needs to understand this and he needs to understand why he can't (for example) just give them your new number to make his life easier.

If you have a smartphone there are a number of apps that can silence calls and texts for you.

[saintlyjimjams]

Oh it's the 'brother time' SIL?

Gawd yes you really need to establish very firm boundaries. Can you set your phone to flash up a funny picture when she rings? (I recently was horribly bullied by s/o & having a list of stupid names for her helped! She seems to have disappeared since I became very firm with her)

[doziedoozie]

Nah, I'd never ask that. Sounds a bit ultimatumish. Am trying to keep it as 'not a big deal'.

Is awkward not liking a member of his family, I don't want it to be difficult.

He'll make his own plans to see them if he really wants to. His mum is very welcome. SiL is as long as she keeps it formal.

I don't want DP to feel awkward. Or like he has to chose

Stop living others' lives. You're trying to manipulate the situation so that everyone (in your eyes!!!) is a happy 'normal' family- that is, though, according to your funny idea of what is normal.

Someone not answering their phone if they are busy/ don't want to/ can't be arsed like your DP does is ABSOLUTELY NORMAL. In my family some people phone a lot, some don't, some answer every call some (including me) don't. It can occasionally be annoying but let it go, who cares?
There is nothing wrong with not answering the phone, being too busy to answer the phone, choosing not to speak to someone, it is what 'normal' people do. Please be 'normal' and stop chasing your tail for your unpleasant inlaws.

[Bunbaker]

Why don't you switch your phone off when you are trying to sleep?

[Badvoc2]

Do stop enabling then then. If he can ignore then so can you. You are a grown woman. You don't have to put up with this.
Good luck

[KingJoffreysBloodshotEye]

I reckon you're right.

I do get a fair bit of "Can you get DP to call us?" and I feel like I have to get him to.

They're both often rude and dismissive to me.

I never text MiL in the end. I suspect the calls when she knew I was sleeping was some kind of power game.

[TheHoneyBadger]

HE ignores quite happily. HE steers clear and ignores his phone. HE's not bothered about seeing them but the OP is still feeling that for his sake she has to make things work, not awkward etc. he's already drawn his boundaries so i doubt that he would be at all bothered if the OP drew her own - if they upped the pestering on him (which they may not having already learnt he's not playing) presumably he'd continue his ignore strategy. presumably the pressure is all out on the OP because they know if they lose their ability to manipulate her they're out because he won't play their games so they are sensing her pulling back and going all out to draw her back in.

IF she can ignore and stop playing they've got nothing and i suspect life will become very much more peaceful.

[TheHoneyBadger]

he's ignoring them. that's his survival mechanism. follow his lead. you're getting caught in this female conditioning thing of thinking you have to be the placator, the facilitator, the maker of peace where peace doesn't even belong or need making etc. just stop it.

[Nomama]

Not really, badvoc. She is just doing what I did... ignoring his signals and all his behaviours that tell her he isn't all that engaged which should give her her cue to be the same. She is doing what I did, being polite and taking ownership of the need to stay in contact and, when it goes wrong, also taking the blame... a stupid thing to do, but so very hard to stop

[Badvoc2]

So your do thinks this treatment of you by his family is ok does he?
He needs a Spine transplant.

[meiisme]

Is awkward not liking a member of his family, I don't want it to be difficult. and I don't want DP to feel awkward. Or like he has to chose. Have you discussed this reasoning with your DP? Because he clearly doesn't like his own family members much himself, with the panic at brother-sister time and vagueness/ignoring of calls (which is not him not being an organiser, but his way of not having to see them without having to say so). I'd be surprised if your DP would want you to stay in touch with MIL to protect him from awkwardness, because I don't think he would feel awkward if you start ignoring them too. And if he did, he has to check with himself why he is okay with shifting the pain of handling his family members to you.

[Hissy]

Can I also just add this point:

The flying monkeys aren't causing anxiety, you are allowing them to get to you.

They are all acting out of FOG, and you are engaging.

Tell them off! tell them that you're not going to sit by while they bitch at you and if they want contact, they'll have to be civil.

Let your dh tell them they've offended you and that you've decided to to have any contact with them if that's what needs to be said.

By pulling your punches, you're letting them off the hook, and kind of therefore allowing them to carry on.

[Zazzles007]

OP just keep on ignoring them, no matter how often you are contacted. I have a Narc mother, and have gone NC just over 2 years ago. I had to ignore all the Narc mother's shenanigans, as well as the flying-monkey-father's, when I went NC. They had me hiding in my house from them like a naughty 10yr old at one stage, pretending I wasn't home!

No contact is exactly that - no communication, no picking up the phone calls, no answering text messages etc. Narcissists do not accept the boundaries of others, and just trample all over them - it is up to you to keep your boundaries intact. As you have worked out, they are emotional vampires and will keep sucking you dry if you allow them. Do not allow them. Eventually, they will work out that they have lost another 'host' and will move onto someone else. Your DH is managing them well, keeping them at arm's length, while not incurring their wrath.

Keep on going as you are, eventually they will stop . If/when you decide to resume contact with your MIL, remember to do it on your own terms, and do not give in to the MIL imploring you to resume contact with Narc SIL. It can be hard to resume contact with the Narc's flying monkey, as the Narc will take it as a betrayal on the flying monkey's behalf, making like hard for them.

Good luck!

[KingJoffreysBloodshotEye]

Nah, I'd never ask that. Sounds a bit ultimatumish. Am trying to keep it as 'not a big deal'.

Is awkward not liking a member of his family, I don't want it to be difficult.

He'll make his own plans to see them if he really wants to. His mum is very welcome. SiL is as long as she keeps it formal.

I don't want DP to feel awkward. Or like he has to chose.

[wafflyversatile]

I can't really see anything other than NC working with either of them. Now, or in 6 months or however long it takes you to decide. Your DP already doesn't bother with them and quite right. Have you asked him if he would bother to see either of them given the choice seeing as he only seems to see them when you arrange it?

[KingJoffreysBloodshotEye]

Am at work now but had a short chat with DP when he got home and reitterated that I couldn't deal with her obvious contempt for me.

I told him that I was working out how to deal with her.

Since another poster pointed out that SiL ticked all of the narcissism boxes I bought some books on narcissism/bullies/emotional vampires and have been educating myself on the subject.

Still haven't text MiL. This isn't the first time she's called when I would"ve obviously been asleep. I've done the same shifts for years. I think it's a control thing.

[Quitelikely]

I just wouldn't do anything. Ignore her. Anything you say will be taken apart. Be polite if she visits.

[Sallyingforth]

It's no good trying to just avoid her calls, she will always find another way to contact you. And why should you have to change your number?

If you don't want contact, you must tell her firmly not to. Then if she persists, it's harassment.

[TheHoneyBadger]

if you keep the old number or sim you'll still have to see the missed calls and text messages when you turn it on. seriously non contact means eliminating all ways of getting to you and all intrusions not just avoiding speaking for example. ditch the old number.

[TheOneWithTheNicestSmile]

If you change your number with your provider they'll start getting an unobtainable signal when they ring the old number.

Poss better to temporarily get a PAYG sim & use that for a while? That way SIL will think your phone is ringing & will work herself into a lather about you not answering but be unable to speak to you about it (as long as you don't answer the house phone to her) & she won't twig that you have actually taken positive action against her.

If you need/want to speak to MIL you can put your old sim back in just for that.

Otherwise they'll have to communicate with your DH only, which won't get them anywhere, as long as he doesn't let slip.

[TheHoneyBadger]

if i was you i'd do it today so it's done. just phone your line provider and ask for a number change.

[GirlWithTheLionHeart]

Time to put your big girl pants on and face it. Been going on long enough, we all have to face the music sometime.

[TheHoneyBadger]

you don't need a new phone - you can just call and ask for a new number on the grounds you are being harassed. i know from when i went non contact with my family and my sister would not stop sending abuse via text.

[Oldraver]

I will text MiL later (before I go to work) and just say sorry I missed your call, and say I've been really busy lately.

Just say you were asleep, factual and no one can read anything into it

[Nomama]

That would be: 'I was sleeping. Don't call again' and hang up

If you keep on avoiding she will keep on ringing, she has unfinished business. At some point you have to grab the bull by the horns, beard the lion in its den, etc.

Have a sentence in mind, do NOT say hello or anything by way of greeting, just say your sentence, sternly, then hang up!

Go on... dare to. You will feel better once the first time is over and done with. You have nothing to lose but that nagging feeling you have given up your peace of mid to a total harridan/lunatic!