I just cannot find my 'people' anywhere.

[mymoonandstars]

I suppose I should just write it as it comes out.

I have lots of friends. I have quite a good social life that if I wanted to take a more active role in, I could. But I just always feel on the fringes of friendships, the friend you always forget was there the time that funny thing happened. People talk over me. Someone will say something I just said and it will raise a laugh where as mine just fell flat. I have just returned from a night out where I felt like the most isolated person in the entire world. The things I like and enjoy are considered eccentric by the mainstream (alternative music, I don't watch television, I read ALOT) and I suppose I am essentially an introvert who would still like to 'get out there' but at times I just need to rest my soul.

I dont think I will ever find friends I can totally be myself with without at least some degree of checking myself. Anyone out there with any advice or who have similar feelings? I would be really happy to talk.

[Tanacot]

Geocaching is aces! The fools!

My non-geeky friends have a touching belief that I know about absolutely everything that has ever happened on the internet (mainly because I used to work on the wikimedia OSP) and frequently assume I am into, idk, cartoon ponies or minecraft griefing or whatever they've randomly heard about that week.

I always claim I am, just on principle. Yes! Especially the ponies!

[mymoonandstars]

So do I! Although family members do the same backing away slowly when I talk about some of our hobbies! Friends of DH are cosplayers and with them I do feel some degree of ease as well actually. But I think they are just a bit more accepting. I still feel like I just walked in to a party that I wasn't invited to though.

I have just asked DH and he said he believes I have social anxiety. Which is probably true but I dont think its the whole story.

[mymoonandstars]

Tanacot, I think you should nurture that belief where ever possible!

[EBearhug]

And how awful would that be - send out 25 invites and get 3 positive responses ....

Yeah, it is pretty awful. It's why I haven't bothered holding any parties since that happened.


I am still in touch with people from school, university, houseshares and previous jobs, but none of them are here where I live. I get on fine with my neighbours, and with the people I meet at classes, but there's just no one local to have a general chat with, and no one I feel I could call if anything went badly wrong (I did ask my next door neighbour for help when the front door swelled so much in the winter I couldn't get in or out of the house.)

[catellington]

Hi op, I'm really lonely and no idea how to meet like minded people. I work full time from home so miss any daytime stuff like baby groups etc. then I have dd 15 months after work till bedtime, she is a terrible sleeper and we co sleep so I'm stuck in bedroom with her after bedtime, dh commutes and often not back till 9 or 10 pm.

In summary I'm alone dawn till dusk

I have friends but not nearby, really want to make local friends but font know where to start. I always made good friendships at school or work but that's when you are with people all day. No idea how to make good friendships when I'm alone all day.

[Ragwort]

I can guarantee that on monday, when I get in to work and say I went geocaching at the weekend, that I will get hmm this face from pretty much everyone. Some of them may even use this later to point out how odd I am.

But lots of us have to put up with comments like that - the point is to try and not let it affect you. For many, many years I had a hobby that a lot of people sneer at (even on Mumsnet ) - don't want to out myself but it is something that people think of as being a real 'do-gooder'. I just laugh comments like that off, even this weekend I bumped into someone who I would consider a friend, but her first comment to me was 'you are always doing something worthy' - I could have taken offence, I preferred to see it as a compliment .

My comment about finding it easy to make friends earlier may have come over as being a little 'smug' Milly but I was trying to say it in relation to my DH who does find it hard to make friends - but I think he is far, far too choosy about who he is prepared to spend time with - which is fine if you are happy with your own company but then don't complain about finding it hard to make friends.

[TheHoneyBadger]

millymolly thank you for comment about people coming on to say how easy they find it to make friends. i liked the analogy.

i do think it's about some finding it easier to make friends but i also think it's just about some finding it easier to slot into the kind of groups and socialising that is available around them and handling the way it is done in this culture.

i think quite a few of us on here would say we found it relatively easy to chat to people and meet people in different stages of our lives or in particular cultures or settings but find it hard where we are now (in terms of geographically, life stage and social expectations). also that some of us are bound to be outliers. everyone is unique yes but there are common interests and points of connection and some people will have more of those which are common to most people and therefore will have a larger field of commonality and more chance of connecting to the people they happen to find themselves amongst.

it's not saying oh we're so special and different to acknowledge that you're a bit of a cultural or interest or social outlier.

[TheHoneyBadger]

though if people need to feel their outsider'ness as being about being different and a bit special where's the need to kick them for it frankly?

occasionally i'll make a joke about being a bit like caviar, not all pallets like it but those that do love it and see it as a treat. sometimes you have to do a bit of faux arrogance to make yourself laugh and avoid going down the self battering path instead.

[TheHoneyBadger]

oh and for me it's not that i want to be with people who have also traveled and done several different jobs and professions and lived a lot before having a child - it's not that! i just don't want to be around people who treat me suspiciously or like a threat or an accusation because i have. does that make sense? it's not at all that it makes me superior it's that weirdly for me, even though i don't go on about things i have done and i'm definitely not a bragging type person (more likely to put myself down or laugh at myself to make others feel comfortable) it seems to be a point against me round here.

[mylifeisgood]

If you think indie music is isolating, try liking country! It is my dirty secret.

[Ragwort]

mylife - I'll join, you, I love country - have loads of CDs which I can only listen to in my car when I am alone .

[mylifeisgood]

Yes, ditto!

[Rhine]

I'm also like this OP, I rarely click with people. In fact I can count on one hand the number of times it's happened in my whole life, I get on well with most people I meet but it's rare that I feel any kind of connection with them. I put it partly down to me being an introvert, I don't need to know lots of people and have lots of friends and I've no kind of desire to be popular or liked by everyone.

Someone once told me that I'm a "closed book" I presume she meant that because I don't feel the need to share my life's story with everyone I'm hard to get to know?

[MillyMolly99]

I was recently told that I was "lovely, but very private". I'm only private because its hard to find anyone that wants a good natter!!!

[SarahThane]

Whatsgoingoneh - I completely identify with your comment 'When I don't like myself much I retreat'.

[SolidGoldBrass]

Obviously it's going to vary from place to place but there are some sets of people who are thick and insular, and resent anyone not being like them. Look at all the fucknuggets who, for instance, not only got taken in by the horrible Britain First on Facebook (ie the racist nutters who are building up their numbers by inviting people to 'like and share' fairly harmless-on-the-surface memes) but got very cross and squawky when it was pointed out to them that they'd been conned. There are people who, if you tell them that you don't watch TV or dislike the Daily Mail, will immediately get hostile and start saying things like 'I suppose you think you're Better Than Us.' It's even more fun if you find yourself at soething like a toddler group and some of the mums are peddling rape myths or going on about how men 'just don't see dirt' and you disagree with them...
Well, actually, if you're an ignorant racist, a homophobe or a misogynist then yes, I do think I'm better than you.

[fuzzpig]

I find this all really hard too. I have only recently started to accept myself with all my social anxieties and weirdness. I don't have a diagnosis because I've been too unwell lately to chase up the useless CMHT, but I think Aspergers (they did say OCD too).

DH and I are planning DC3 in a couple of years, and I'd told myself that now I understand myself and my difficulties a bit better, I could stop beating myself up about the fact I struggle with baby groups and all that stuff... But I'm actually quite scared about how I'd manage.

I feel like an outsider wherever I am.

[bigmouthstrikesagain]

I am quickly posting as I have to go to a sports day in a few mins and want to express a bit of solidarity before I scoot off.

I also read a lot and like alternative music. My social life is pretty active these days after a long dry/ awkward period when my kids were small. I have plenty of 'friends' in my town and amongst the school run mothers, with different interests to me, they think I have weird music tastes etc. But I embrace that role and have fun with it. I have old friends that I go to gigs with in London, I have mum friends that I go for a beer and talk about our kids and pasts and plans for the future. I have started a book club to encourage a more literary bent - it took me years to find a place but after many false starts I am happy with the current set up. It does require effort but most people - when you scratch the surface - feel odd and out of place at times - most people think something about themselves is 'weird'...

[MillyMolly99]

I think I'm going to make a bigger effort to get out and about, be myself, and see what happens. My life and hobbies are pretty conventional, in theory I shouldn't have any problems clicking with people. I'll give it another shot though.

[whatdoesittake48]

I had quite a rough time when I was a school gates mum. I had one close friend who I would walk with and as soon as we went in the gates, she would be surrounded by a hive of other Mums and I would literally be ignored. occasionally I would add a comment and often got a bemused look as if what i said was crazy. (it may well have been...)

My friend often arranged nights out with the other mums or they did. I was never invited. yet she and I shared many secrets, I talked her through her marriage break up and I believe we were close. But it just fizzled.

Eventually, I walked alone (mostly) and sat and waited alone (for two years...). the last day I had to go to that school was probably the best day.

In the year since my youngest start secondary, I have seen my "friend" once and it hasn't really bothered me much.

I just don't see the point in making an effort when it doesn't lead to anything more than superficial chat.

Over time i have come to appreciate that I am worth knowing, but that not everyone suits me. I am quirky and cool, i like different things and don't mind looking and talking in a different way. I am who I am. There is no changing me

I am kind to strangers, I make conversations with people who are on their own, I am open and tell the truth. I am a great person - I am just different.

I also love my own company. While it is sometimes sad that I have few people to share all this wonderful stuff with,. I am Ok with it just being me, my H and the kids. They all get me and try as I might, no one else really does...

My counsellor tells me this is a coping mechanism I picked up as a child. I feared getting too close to people and wanted to set myself apart and be noticed. It was to do with a lack of parental attention. I didn't get it so I developed a coping strategy of not expecting or wanting it. I dress differently to show i am not one of them and don't wont to be. of course that isn't really true, but too ingrained now.

its complicated :)

[MillyMolly99]

I wish I could say that I was a bit different, or that I'd had a difficult childhood which led to social difficulties. But I had a very happy childhood, loving parents and now lead a fairly normal life by most people's standards. So it frustrates me that I rarely 'click'.

[fuzzpig]

I have been wallowing thinking about this today, maybe I'm just boring! There isn't really anything interesting about me, I'm just... meh

[MillyMolly99]

Yeah, I'm beginning to think I'm boring too ......

[ChelsyHandy]

Reading, listening to alternative music and not watching tv aren't that eccentric...

I know what you mean though. I have some German friends and they seem more as you describe yourself. I'm not saying all Germans are the same, but there seem to be more women like as you describe, but they don't seem to be made to feel "uncool" in the same way as here. Its almost like a loss of innocence in the UK. I think maybe you're not that unusual OP but that UK culture is quite odd at the moment.