I just cannot find my 'people' anywhere.

[mymoonandstars]

I suppose I should just write it as it comes out.

I have lots of friends. I have quite a good social life that if I wanted to take a more active role in, I could. But I just always feel on the fringes of friendships, the friend you always forget was there the time that funny thing happened. People talk over me. Someone will say something I just said and it will raise a laugh where as mine just fell flat. I have just returned from a night out where I felt like the most isolated person in the entire world. The things I like and enjoy are considered eccentric by the mainstream (alternative music, I don't watch television, I read ALOT) and I suppose I am essentially an introvert who would still like to 'get out there' but at times I just need to rest my soul.

I dont think I will ever find friends I can totally be myself with without at least some degree of checking myself. Anyone out there with any advice or who have similar feelings? I would be really happy to talk.

[mymoonandstars]

Agreed that my closet AKA lalways seems happy to see me and we

[mymoonandstars]

Posted too soon!!! Agreed that my closest friends AKA longest friends do always seem happy to see me. But I also feel that they tire of me easily.

Someone said earlier about getting on better with men and I have definitely found that to be the case. And the women friends I can relax most with are the same. Women who get on better with men and other women who get on better with men!

I don't think I will find a truly comfortable friendship now TBH. I am feeling so much better for hearing your experiences and musings on it though. I'm so pleased I (somewhat drunkenly) started this thread!

[TheHoneyBadger]

i think i settled for male company in the absence of decent female company rather than 'got on better with men'. i certainly found them easier than uncomfortable female company that i didn't fit in with or to or seemed to cause prickles in.

i prefer to be with a funny, intelligent and insightful woman over hanging out with a male friend. also i had one too many male 'friends' who turned out to be playing the long game consciously or otherwise.

women are often shut away in their lives with children and marriage and a million domestic things to do so it is hard to meet or find time to connect with women.

[areyoumymother]

I can relate to all this. Sometimes I wonder if friendships need a different context, rather than there being something incompatible about the people involved. E.g., A few years ago, I studied for a year with a group of very different people. There were about thirteen of us. The course involved a six week placement teaching in an Eastern European country. We were living in a hostel, three to a room.

For someone who is definitely an introvert, definitely slightly socially anxious, it should have been a disaster. There was only one 'natural friend' in the whole group (she was amazing). I was really surprised to find that I had a ball and ended up great friends with all kinds of different people. We didn't necessarily 'get' each other but we didn't really need to - it was enough to be able to laugh and share experiences. Much as I enjoy discussing whether the novel is dead/evil exists/obscure lyrics, my 'course friends' were all 'close' in a way that was much more meaningful. Now, I sometimes look around a baby group and think 'How do I unlock these unlikely friendships without sharing a room with you all for six weeks?'. It's brought a feeling of relief to know that I could be friends with virtually anyone - I just lack the knack^ to get started.

[doziedoozie]

I think sometimes other people's social events appear fun but actually might be tedious, or one 'friend' making use of another 'friend'. So not something to envy. (staff night outs were usually dire).

Was at a party recently (on my own) and really most people did not socialize at all - you notice these things if you are on your own. They just sat with the person they had arrived with. The party was considered a success, and I did meet some nice people. But most guests could have had as much fun meeting their pal for coffee.

I can happily discuss things, but really can't chat well. Discussing things can get frosty if you don't have the same opinion so that limits getting acquainted.

I am determined to be happy with what I have (and succeeding), and to develop fulfilling hobbies if I could get off bluddy MN and settle for a quiet social life and to not fret if I appear a loner as I suspect many people are in that boat, in fact it might be the norm.
If you don't feel that you are missing out then you aren't.

[areyoumymother]

Sorry about the crazy use of italics!

[TheHoneyBadger]

areyoumymother yes. i think it's the reality of the isolated lives we live at this stage. we're just not thrown together with people in a variety of contexts in the same way we were when younger. there's no community in which to forge friendships and comradery and everything has to be an organised event or meeting up which just isn't the same as hanging out with people, bumping into each other as you go about your business etc.

it's like traveling - when you're traveling you're thrown together with people and pass the time of day. it may not be deep connections but it's sociability and some laughs or interesting conversations or whatever. you get to kind of graze on people. also some cultures i've lived in have been really outdoors and low pace enough that you could pass someone and decide to stop and have a coffee with them or just have a chat on your way to do something you know? people are very much shut away in boxes and cars here and it's difficult to just interact and enjoy a bit of company.

[TheHoneyBadger]

i've got the weeds theme tune going round in my head now....

[TheHoneyBadger]

[tiawalters]

I think a lot of us have "isolation anxiety" these days, myself included. I think we live much more sophisticated lives than ever before, with a wide variety of interests and lifestyles, our identities carefully constructed over the years and with many boundaries, but in a way the result of that is that many of us find it harder to relate and connect with others.

I lived in many places over my life, sometimes of my choice, sometimes due to circumstances, and the knock on effect has been that I lost a lot of friends, and family in the process. Now my family group is very small, and so is my group of friends.

Like others, I feel socially sometimes on the edges or margins. I don't feel right now that I have a strong, solid friendship group. I long for more social interactions, but also I realise now that I have children that I find socialising hard work. Even an evening out after I put the children to bed doesn't sound that appealing as I am usually tired.

My way to cope with these feelings is to think that as we grow older, and have children to care for, we might have to slow down on socialising and take it a bit easier. Also, if you moved around a lot, it's quite natural to find yourself among people who are very different from you, and the bonding will not be as strong and deep as with people with a more similar background or history.

I also prefer to relate to people on a one to one basis, and find group dynamics more stressful so try to avoid gangs.

There seems to be an underlying expectation these days that women have to have a close female clique in their lives for them to feel fully supported or validated. It seems that we are replacing the myth of "finding the right" man, with the myth of finding the all embracing, supportive group of females. Both myths lead to disappointment in the end.

[TheHoneyBadger]

agree on the effects of moving about tia. i used to semi jokingly say i forgot to "mind the gap"

[tiawalters]

HoneyBadger, I think you're right to point out cultural differences too when it comes to meeting up for coffee and having a chat. I come from that kind of culture and find it hard here in the UK to be pestering people about going for coffee all the time. There are much more personal boundaries in that respect, and I have to say that it does make little interactions with people more stressful. You have to arrange everything in advance so the spontaneity of contact is lost a bit there.

As you said, we have to "mind the gap"

[GarlicJunoWho]

if you moved around a lot, it's quite natural to find yourself among people who are very different from you, and the bonding will not be as strong and deep as with people with a more similar background or history.

I've been living in a rural English market town for 7 years (not my choice; can't leave). I have NEVER before lived anywhere for more than ten days without making friends - not necessarily bosom buddies, but people to hang out with for a bit. People here aren't horrible. It's a sweet little town. I haven't suddenly become antisocial. Very simply, it's a small town with little migration. Most residents were born here, with their parents still living round the corner and their kids going to the same school they did, with their own school friends' kids. There's simply no need for new people; therefore no structures or routines for meeting them. It might be different if I had children and/or horses - not necessarily, though, as the need is still not here.

This kind of community's quite restrictive on its members in many ways. My mental health advisor said people suffer exaggerated shame, for example. Feuds can last a lifetime and everyone knows about them. Social attitudes are fairly inflexible and there's a high proportion of 'weird' people, who might not be so weird if they'd been exposed to a wider variety of ideas & lifestyles. I feel really sorry for the teenagers here.

I miss the social gloss that makes it easier to form relationships, even if they aren't deep or lasting. It comes in many forms: there's London, where nearly everyone's in transit and all you have to do is use the existing structures; oop North, where a natter at a bus stop could lead to a coffee or a pint; laid-back countries where, as HB said, people just spend time together ad hoc. I don't think setting up a comfy chair outside my house would have quite the same effect here

I'm going to start a little creative project documenting the town. (I had to wait this long as it's taken 7 years for enough people to recognise me and not be scared ) Theoretically, this should lead to more interaction. I'm not exactly expecting it, though - my guess is it'll generate more suspicion than engagement! And that will be documented, too, hah.

Bloody hell, that turned into a diary entry Sorry.

[NightmareRoo]

garlic, your creative project will be bloody awesome judging by how thoughtful and articulate your posts are here!

[Ladyfoxglove]

Are you me OP?

I feel like this pretty much all the time.
I start an interest/hobby that everyone says is weird. A month or so later, someone else does it too but this time, its amazing and really cool.
I state opinions on someone or something and nobody says anything. Half an hour later, someone else says the same and everyone agrees.
The same goes for tech, fashion, politics, food... never cool when I do it but very cool when someone else does it next week.

I think this is the difference between being popular and unpopular. The problem with being an introvert is that its never going to be terribly cool.

I just let it go now . People are sheep and will follow the popular/cool people.

[TinklyLittleLaugh]

I can identify with so much written on this thread. I am very much a loner, do not relate to many people, but I have three very dear old University friends of over 30 years standing. I dread to think how lonely I would have been without them in my life over the years. Also have lovely DH who gets me.

As it is I meander along. About 5 years ago someone quite popular and quirky pretty much pushed her way into my life despite my initial reluctance. She has turned out to be a fantastic friend and we have a great connection. At one of her recent gatherings I got chatting to a lady who I've noticed around for years who always drifts along on the margins. It turns out we have masses of interests in common and she gave me her number. Of course I haven't done anything about it but perhaps this thread had given me the impetus I need.

[GarlicJunoWho]

That's kind of you, Roo! Not so sure myself ... well, it doesn't matter anyway It's the doing that counts. I'm curious to see how it'll work out.

[Ladyfoxglove]

Garlic fellow roamer and market town dweller here - I feel your pain. People think Im strange for moving away from my home town and not living the conventional 'married with kids' lifestyle. If I were a man, it would be a lot easier, as it's less unusual for men to be eccentric/loners and deep thinkers.

[TheHoneyBadger]

it will be fun to do which is probably what counts garlic.

seeing as we're now journaling on here one of the really weird disconnects for me here is that there are random people who remember me from school and think they know me and respond to me based on their fairly misplaced in the first place perception of who i was at school. that is utterly freaky. some people have just stayed in the same place their whole lives and kind of just continued on from school whereas i got out as early as i could and didn't really look back till i ended up back here in my earlyish thirties.

on the few occasions i've been through a patch of trying and going out locally to pubs in the village i've experienced really weird reactions to me from the mainly alcoholic men who drink in them. i can't even properly put my finger on what but something strangely defensive and territorial or confrontational. one guy who got particularly obnoxious kept going on about how everyone fancied me at school so why on earth was i single but with an edge of who the fuck do you think you are being all happy and traveled and single god damn you. really bizarre stuff. i make people angry without knowing quite how.

i also find people dont know how to handle me given i'm not a blow in who can put down with little localisms and territorialness because actually i grew up here once upon a time and people do remember me (and people fancied me at school ffs and allegedly that is some kind of 'status' ) but i'm not 'like' them and can't seem to be put down in the way they think will work and won't act like i'm meant to act. i'm expressing this badly but god it is actually pretty weird out here. i chat to old ladies and the funny wideboy guy in the shop and have recently become close to my neighbour who is weird and lovely and a newcomer (only having been living here two years lol)

[Ladyfoxglove]

The HoneyBadger Me too.

The girls I went to school with are nice but we have nothing in common. The men are, as you say, vaguely hostile, in a kind of 'how fucking dare you leave and then come back all successful, smartypants and dare to be single

[Ladyfoxglove]

A friend has just sent a text asking if she can come over for tea with her son. Ive said I'm busy Mumsnetting.

I am my own worst enemy

[WhatsGoingOnEh]

I have this problem, after moving back to my hometown earlier this year. I'm lucky that my lovely family is here, but outside them I haven't really met anyone I "click" with.

I can get on with anyone/everyone but I think I keep my distance a bit when I'm feeling shy. And then I start telling myself I don't like people, when in reality it's just that I feel a bit inferior.

I had a wave of depression when I went to my son's new secondary school parents evening the either night. Everywhere I looked I saw successful, middle-class families. Dads and mums together. People who hadn't married a twat (like I did) and had two kids with them (like I did), then split up (me again!) and had to rebuild their life.

I almost cried. On the way home, I popped into my brother's house and poured it all out and he reminded me that nobody's life is ever as perfect as it looks.

Now I'm focusing on making myself back into a person i like. I know that when I do, I'll naturally be more outgoing and friendly or everyone else. When I don't like myself much, I retreat.

[WhatsGoingOnEh]

PS I'm so glad you started this thread. I've been thinking all this for ages, but hadn't put it into words till now.

[chockbic]

I think part of it is being honest with yourself and asking if you want to give the time and investment a decent friendship needs.

If not you're bound to end up with just a superficial connection. When you may actually want more.

[TheHoneyBadger]

ladyfox - is that what it is do you think? the audacity of staying here and marrying a local oik being seen as an insult to them?

i think i make it a million times worse by struggling to remember who they are. bearing in mind quite a few of them are younger than me and what girl notices boys in lower years than her? there is an air of 'don't you know who i am' which i'm meeting with err, no actually i don't, i barely remember school and certainly try not to remember it given despite being 'fancied' (i should be so grateful as apparently this is the measure of worth in a girl) i was actually going through quite a bit and just kind of surviving and waiting to get out.

big fish in little ponds springs to mind i guess. also the ones who still are under the illusion that they're some kind of famous gangster just because they happened to have two brothers so no one messed with them. people are still trading on currency that doesn't have any meaning for me.