I just cannot find my 'people' anywhere.

[mymoonandstars]

I suppose I should just write it as it comes out.

I have lots of friends. I have quite a good social life that if I wanted to take a more active role in, I could. But I just always feel on the fringes of friendships, the friend you always forget was there the time that funny thing happened. People talk over me. Someone will say something I just said and it will raise a laugh where as mine just fell flat. I have just returned from a night out where I felt like the most isolated person in the entire world. The things I like and enjoy are considered eccentric by the mainstream (alternative music, I don't watch television, I read ALOT) and I suppose I am essentially an introvert who would still like to 'get out there' but at times I just need to rest my soul.

I dont think I will ever find friends I can totally be myself with without at least some degree of checking myself. Anyone out there with any advice or who have similar feelings? I would be really happy to talk.

[TheHoneyBadger]

sorry that should have read not staying here and marrying a local oik

[MillyMolly99]

This thread is amazing, I feel just the same as the OP. I actually started a thread a few months ago, saying I worried I had too few friends. I have a couple of close friends, one who I could call on in a crisis, and one who's at the other end of the country. I'm also on the fringes a lot of the time, and i could get involved more, but often choose not to, as it can sometimes serve to magnify my 'fringe' position, and also because it can seem like too much effort. I'd love a bigger social circle, but I don't have the skills to acquire it, and even if I did, I don't actually have much spare time (very full-on job) or the inclination to keep it going.

I'm aware that I can be my own worst enemy at times - I often decline invitations because I'd rather potter around at home alone or with DH. So I'm left wondering why I crave something I probably wouldn't want if it were handed to me on a plate (if that makes sense)? Or maybe it simply haven't met the right people yet?

When I started my thread, I had some wonderful replies, and a lot of lovely people suggested I was normal, and that I shouldn't worry. So I decided to take that advice on board, and have since worried less about my small social circle. However someone I know vaguely lost her husband a few weeks ago, and it got me thinking that if, god forbid, anything were to happen to my DH, I'd have so few people to help me through it. And that maybe I should really up my efforts at making more friends, even though I'm not very good at it. Then I realised how silly it sounds to start getting to know more people just in case DH got run over by a bus ..... I know what I've just written won't make much sense to a naturally social person, but hopefully someone here gets where I'm coming from?

But it's wonderful to know I'm not the only person who doesn't seem to click very well with those around them.

[TheHoneyBadger]

milly your post convinces me more that it's about our culture. the need for connection with people and to feel part of a wider circle translates into some huge effort and big thing you have to find time and energy for. people are so shut into their little boxes that you can't have enough basic easy social interaction as you go about your business to satisfy that need and make you feel a part of something wider.

the place i keep comparing to was one in which people lived and worked and socialised and shopped within a small area ergo you crossed each others paths frequently and in different contexts and had a frequency of small friendly interactions with a net of people. if you felt like seeing people you would simply go and get a drink with a book and most likely end up sat with someone and chatting and passing the time of day.

maybe it's NOT that we need these big deep connections but that we just lack simple, easy, natural interactions with a group of people on a daily basis. i think we assume loneliness equates to needing depth of intimacy when maybe what we really miss is simple easy connections that are fostered over time and give a sense of belonging somewhere.

[TheHoneyBadger]

(with the obvious caveat that within that simple social grazing and ease you find the people who you can go deeper with and naturally build up a stronger bond)

[TheHoneyBadger]

christ asking another adult if they fancy coming round for a coffee feels like asking someone out on a date in this culture. we're all so rigidly boxed in.

[TheHoneyBadger]

oh and in that context if your husband died there'd be a wealth of people to offer small portions of company and support and assistance without feeling strained or drained or like it was a huge deal itms. it would be no trouble to pop round and see you and help you sort something knowing that someone else would pop round later and bring you dinner or offer to drive you to the government building you needed to go to to organise the funeral and that someone else would be good for coming round later with a bottle of wine. a lot of small connections perhaps share the load much better and in a way that doesn't create a burden upon the supporter or a vast indebtedness to one person on the part of the one being supported.

[Ladyfoxglove]

TheHoneyBadger Yes! Several of them have asked me out and when Ive politely declined their offer of a romp at theirs with beer, curry and telly they've gone ballistic, asking what's wrong with them, they have a job, car, house, as if that's all I need in a prospective partner and I should be bloody grateful to be offered such bounty .

and 'Trading on currency that has no value to me' - well put. That's exactly it. I dont care who your brothers are. Mess with me and I'll get my friend, the councillor, judge, barrister, MP to have a word.

[roadtorouen]

I completely understand this feeling. I've always felt like I've never fully 'clicked' with anyone and am usually on the fringes of social groups. Things like facebook don't help. A girl I used to work with recently posted pics of her hen do which was attended by 30 female friends! I doubt I'd even get 2 female friends to come if I had a hen do. Women tend to keep me at arms length. Happy to chat but not looking for friendship, even though I am friendly. Sometimes I feel a bit alien, like there's something wrong with me.

[MillyMolly99]

roadtoruen I totally get what you mean! DH was considering holding a party for my 40th birthday, my first thought was 'who on earth would I invite?' DH suggested some women from a club I belong to, but in all honesty, while they're all pleasant and friendly when I see them, I'm not 100% sure that they'd accept the invitation, they've probably got better things to do. And how awful would that be - send out 25 invites and get 3 positive responses ....

I've always made a point of having 'small' celebrations, essentially out of necessity - if you say you're just going out for a quiet drink with a friend or two, and that you're happy with that, that seems to be socially acceptable. You're just seen as being 'low key.' Which is far nicer than being seen as the person who hired the hall and the caterers, but doesn't have any guests!!

[MillyMolly99]

Meant to add - women generally keep me at arms length too, not sure why.

[Tanacot]

Well, HoneyBadger and Ladyfoxglove, I'm not sure how to say this nicely.

Honeybadger, you sound like you despise these people so I'm not surprised they don't like you back, you know? I don't like people that despise me either. I didn't go to university, I still live near where I grew up, and my DH is from nearby too. But I feel like, you know, somehow I still have value.

Ladyglove, of course you are not obliged to date anyone and there's no justification for anyone going ballistic. On the other point you made, though, is it a mistake I know tone is hard to read sometimes online or are you boasting about your own (definitely superior) connections at the same time as mocking someone for boasting about theirs?

I feel like, you know, it's always going to be hard to connect with people if you are setting yourself above them.

[Tanacot]

I said 'you know' so much in that comment!

[LadyWithLapdog]

The lonely 'tribe'. I get that feeling on occasion as well. Most often, though, I'm too busy with day-to-day life. I join up for clubs and things but I quickly lose interest.

[TheHoneyBadger]

tanacot i don't look down on anyone and would certainly not look down on what you've described of yourself but presumably you wouldn't feel the need to try and square up to me and prove something or feel threatened by the fact i've lived a different life to you.

i don't despise anyone but when people treat you awfully and act really bloody weirdly for no reason as if you're an object to fight or fuck and not allowed to just be a person with no desire to fight or fuck you it is hard to maintain respect and good feelings towards them.

[TheHoneyBadger]

and when they're married men the level of respect kind of plummets through the floor and any empathy i have is reserved for the poor fucking wife at home whose looking after the kids whilst her husband stands in the pub harassing women and pissing the family income up the wall.

[SolidGoldBrass]

I am not in touch with anyone I was at school with. Though I now live only a few miles from where I grew up, London iskind of such a collection of small villages, really, that it isn't like 'going back' which is a mercy.
While I hope my former schoolfriends are all having pleasant lives and all that, wherever they are, I don't think I'd have much to say to any of them if I met them again. It's the 'friends by proxmity' thing again: when you're a teenager, your friends are the people you go to school with or live close to because you have little or no opportunity to make any others. I was the 'weird' one at school and it wasn't until I left that I started making friends with people who 'got' me.

[Tanacot]

Well, that's good to know. I'm sorry for your troubles.

One thing I will say is, more generally: I'm not close with many people I went to school with either, as I mostly spend my limited free time with people I make stuff with and it's all highly technical and niche, omg so niche, hahah! But I do see people from time to time and I agree it's really common to feel like you are being shrunk down into your child identity when you see people from childhood. But we can both feel it and do it to others. You have been away and grown and changed and become this whole other person... and so has most everyone else. Even if they haven't moved house they've still lived. Life has this habit of changing a person.

I've gotten to re-know people I knew from school as an adult but it's only worked when we've both given each other the courtesy of not thinking we know each other already. (I think this follows a bit with family, too.)

We are basically all weirdos pretending we are normal. Sometimes it helps to acknowledge that in other people as much as yourself?

[LynetteScavo]

People make friends at baby groups?

I have 3 DC and went to every baby group going. I never made any freinds at any baby group.

[Ragwort]

I've been on Mumsnet a long, long time and frequently see these types of posts, but I wonder if some people are getting too 'intense' about analysing their freindships? We move around a lot and I find it incredibly easy to slot into new groups, make new friends etc but my DH doesn't - and I think one of the reasons is that he seems to only want to be friends with people exactly like himself.

I am friends with all sorts of people - different ages/different interests - one of my closest friends has a hobby which is something that I really don't like but we can laugh it off and connect with other interests (nothing illegal I should say ).

And yes, I have made plenty of friends at baby groups and even PTAs over the years .

[BranchingOut]

A few of these posts are a little bit along the lines of 'I'm so different, me, with my reading and my geeky hobbies..'.

I think that a very distinct persona can definitely put other people off. Rather like those teenage band teeshirts!

It is depressing, but fundamentally I think we are all alone in the world. However, I think that it is possible to build social connections with the most unexpected people, as long as you don't expect them to 'get' every side of you.

[MillyMolly99]

I think the point of this thread is that some people find making friends easier than others, rather like some people find it easier to lose weight than others.

To 'contribute' to this thread by smugly reporting that you're a natural at fitting in, is rather like a smirking Size Zero pitching up at a Weight Watchers meeting .....

[mymoonandstars]

I can guarantee that on monday, when I get in to work and say I went geocaching at the weekend, that I will get this face from pretty much everyone. Some of them may even use this later to point out how odd I am, as they did with last weekend's perfectly normal activity. So I will hold back what I did this weekend to avoid mirth and being further labelled as different from them. That is what I mean when I say I cannot be honest in friendships. I have shared other activities with colleagues hoping that opening myself up a bit might ease it but it usually leads to "Are you one of those people that likes * then?" like they already have me categorised.

I have to say that I am feeling better after spending some time with some old school friends today. I do feel more accepted by those friends. And by you lot

[tiawalters]

I'm not in touch with anybody from primary or secondary school, and only now one person from uni. It does make me sad but as I said before, the price you pay for moving around a lot is that you lose touch with people.

I know for sure that if I went back now to my home town, I wouldn't fit in there either, and a lot of people would definitely be resentful of my leaving and having travelled quite a bit.

When you move around a lot, you become a bit of a loner. There's a lot of stigma on being a loner but I don't think it's a bad thing in itself.

Loners get a bad reputation when you read on the media those guys who get a gun and massacre random people in the USA. You'll surely read somewhere afterwards in the news "he was a loner". It's such a silly fabrication.

[eddielizzard]

ah, well - work colleagues. you're stuck with them! i'd keep it on a professional footing. i have experienced this derision of anything that isn't the norm. ie. football. not much you can do about that. i wish people were more open-minded!

[lettertoherms]

Wow, these posts are describing me as well. I'm going to mark my place so I can read through again and post when I'm not on mobile.