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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

suspicous....

27 replies

jennysimpson · 27/06/2014 16:43

Been with my partner 13 years, mostly happy but issues along the way, especially around his son which seems on-going.

I saw a text on my partner's mob saying nite nite xxx

I didn't think this appropriate and asked him who it was, he said it was a woman we both know from years ago, from going to the same parties and clubs etc, I don't remember her or recognise the name.

We were at a party the weekend before and he insists she was there with her b/f but also said she was all over him (my partner), I saw nothing but was mingling with everyone so it's possible I just can't remember.

He professes this was the first ever text he's had off her but you wouldn't text someone out of the blue saying nite nite, would you?

I don't believe he's having an affair cos he works 12 hours every day and then comes home to me so it would be impossible.

However, I do not believe this is the first ever text, he told me they exchanged numbers years ago at one of the parties but insists this is the first time he's heard from her.

It's driving me nuts, I don't believe him, he insists he has done nothing wrong and is not lying, I can't get past this, I'm at the point of splitting up with him over it, I just feel in my gut there's more to it, as in, they are obviously friends and do communicate, why can't he just fess up, he's made it bigger now that it has to be.

What would you think?

OP posts:

GirlWithTheLionHeart · 27/06/2014 17:37

I'd think they'd been messaging a bit since they met and he forgot to delete that last one

BuzzardBird · 27/06/2014 17:45

I think he is lying. It doesn't matter if he works 12 hr days. If he wants an affair he will make time...doesn't mean he is,but unless she sent that to him by accident (which could happen, but why didn't he show you at the time?) then he is minimizing.

Pretty sure you will discover more.

BuzzardBird · 27/06/2014 17:47

How did you happen to just 'see' a text on his phone?

Original poster

jennysimpson · 27/06/2014 18:06

His mob was sitting beside me on the table when the message came through, that's why I saw it, I have no reason to check his mob and don't.

I said to him, who is this and then he told me the story, I don't believe him, it's not about him having an affair, it would be impossible, sorry but if you work 12hrs a day and then go home to your partner every night, when exactly can you conduct an affair, I'm not that stupid, he is one guy who simply does not have the time, unless he's doing it in his sleep.

This is about his friendship with said woman that I know nothing about, it's also about the inappropriateness of the text, as well as him lying about it being the first ever one.

OP posts:

GirlWithTheLionHeart · 27/06/2014 18:09

It's called an emotional affair, no physical contact needed, that's how.

cozietoesie · 27/06/2014 18:10

'Nite Nite' would be the end of a series of messages and not the first - so he's found the time to have a few text conversations with her at any rate. How tight is this 12 hour day?

yoyo27 · 27/06/2014 18:13

I learnt a long time ago to always go with your gut instinct.

My ex managed to have a full on affair, despite being either with me or at work xx

Original poster

jennysimpson · 27/06/2014 18:14

Yes exactly, that's what you say at the end of a conversation that's why I don't believe him!

He works from 7am until 7pm every day and comes straight home. He works Saturdays up until 5pm and we spend the weekends together.

OP posts:

KillmeNow · 27/06/2014 18:14

if you work 12hrs a day and then go home to your partner every night, when exactly can you conduct an affair?

If I was to embark on an affair I could easily do it by building in time during the day or even taking time off. It makes iteven more exciting to steal time from your normal day.Nothing is impossible .

Original poster

jennysimpson · 27/06/2014 18:15

Yoyo, no offence but it would be physically impossible for him to be spending time with anyone other than me when not at his work.

OP posts:

SaffyStraw · 27/06/2014 18:18

Be careful is what I will say. I had suspicions and went searching, I found out what I never, ever thought I would. Five weeks later DH has moved out today, we are still sorting through the quagmire but who knows.

If you want to have a proper search on an iPhone you go to home screen, flick screen down and a search appears. This is spotlight, it doesn't pick up everything but it picks up much more than a normal search.

Remember you need trust in a relationship and if this is the way you will get it then go for it, but please be prepared. You know what if there is nothing there I would hug and kiss him and tell him you were worried at would could have been. You have to move on, if this is the first time he has ever raised your suspicions and it was 'technically' an unsupported text from some random woman then get over it and fast.

If there is stuff on there, confront him and find a really good friend or friends who will listen ... Not lecture. Good luck

hollyisalovelyname · 27/06/2014 18:18

Ah but jenny - is he really at work?
I would be suspicious too.

Original poster

jennysimpson · 27/06/2014 18:18

No nothing is impossible but I don't believe for a second it's physically possible for him, without outing him, he cannot leave his workplace.

If he takes time off, he doesn't get paid, the site would not function without him being there either.

OP posts:

ApplebyMennym · 27/06/2014 18:19

You can easily have an emotional affair, if you have time to text. He'll have to have breaks at work. Popping to the loo, in the car on the way to and from work...?

I thought my ex couldn't be cheating, much the same as yours he worked long hours and spent all free time with me. Turned out he was texting some woman he used to know, and they were planning to meet for sex.

Original poster

jennysimpson · 27/06/2014 18:20

I have no other reason in 13 years to not trust him.

OP posts:

Original poster

jennysimpson · 27/06/2014 18:21

Fair enough apple, yes it could be an affair by text, definitely not in the physical sense that they can meet but yes, possible it's a text thing, I don't know what to think.

OP posts:

SuchSweetSorrow · 27/06/2014 18:23

it could be an emotional affair, even someone he has met online? Or someone he knows who he is having flirtations with. Seriously, trust your gut instinct

Original poster

jennysimpson · 27/06/2014 18:25

Yes SSS, it could be. I never had a gut instinct at all until I saw the text!

I find it hard to believe though, he tells me he loves me all the time and everything is pretty solid between us.

I can't put it away though because I don't believe it was the 1st text!

OP posts:

heyday · 27/06/2014 18:28

If he has always up until this point been pretty honest and trustworthy then tread with a little caution now. I love my partner dearly but do have male friends that I text and have a sort of emotional relationship with. Nothing physical every happens but I do have a low level need for these friendships and they do not involve my partner. If he found out, I think in all honesty I would probably fib about it, not because I am a blatant liar but because the friendships are just not important enough to have a huge falling out over. He has text another woman, perhaps he is a little flattered, he is allowed a little private space I would have thought? Hopefully he knows quite clearly where the boundaries lie. He knows you are angry, quite rightly, you 100% believe that he could not be having a physical affair so please ask yourself is this really a big enough issue to break up over?? Perhaps step back a little if you can, think things through more calmly once your anger has eased a little and then perhaps try and have a calm conversation with him.

Original poster

jennysimpson · 27/06/2014 18:34

Yes heyday I think you are right but how do I just accept it's ok for him to have lied to me?

I can't have a calm conversation with him about it because he just says he's not lying and will walk away from me and yes it's now turned into a massive issue for me.

OP posts:

cozietoesie · 27/06/2014 18:43

What were the 'issues along the way' that you mentiond in your OP? And more importatly, how did the pair of you deal with those?

Dinnaeknowshitfromclay · 27/06/2014 18:53

Just because you think he is at work, doesn't mean he is OP. Sorry you are going through this but you need to listen to your gut on this.

Hesaysshewaffles · 27/06/2014 18:58

Like you my husband (well stbxh) worked long hours. I notice he'd changed but it couldn't have been an fair because how could he fit it in....well you'd be surprised. My ex's affair was with someone from work. They'd see each other briefly before work, go for a drive at lunchtime etc. He never saw her at weekends as he was with me and OW with her husband. Once a month he had a lads poker night which he'd go to and cAll me from so I could heard the noises etc. He'd then leave and they'd go to a hotel coming home at the crack of dawn. You'd be amazed at what's possible.

ohldoneedtogetagrip · 27/06/2014 19:07

Ask for her mobile number then get a copy of his text /mobile records. From that you can tell just how often he has been texting her.
If he refuses to give either of these l guess you have your answer.

heyday · 27/06/2014 19:18

So many of us say things which are not quite the truth and then can't or won't backtrack on it and we dig ourselves in deeper and deeper. I guess you have two options now; you either continue to accuse him and he will get angrier and withdraw and a bigger wedge will divide you or try really hard to accept that nothing is going on, they have texted, maybe even flirted a bit but nothing is going on and in time you can put this behind you. Why are relationships so tough eh? I guess it depends on how much you really want to be with him. If you separated then there is no turning back and you would split up over one text, a vague suspicion and a slightly guilty partner. None of us know if he is cheating or not, you know him better than anyone. I do think this will blow over in a few days time but I have no doubt that these will be a tough few days ahead. Unless someone is doing something really terrible then I think there is lot to be said for the saying 'ignorance is bliss'. I so hope it all works out ok for you, I really do.

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