DP going to parties with ex

[ididntaskforthis]

Been with Dp a year. All going well. He left his w 18mths ago after a bad few years. She was and is still very up and down about it.

He didn't introduce me to lots of his friends for a while as he thought it was rubbing ex's face in it but recently I have started to get to know them. Him and I have been invited to a friend of his birthday soon. His ex will be there too. He's told me he wants to go but doesn't want me to go as he thinks it will be awkward for him, his friends and will inflame things with his ex. I can totally see the logic in this but I feel really hurt by it.

I know it's hard when people get new partners but dp and I are in it for the long haul and at some point she'll have to see us together and there will no doubt be quite a few "mutual friends" events over the years.

He thinks I'm being "unbelievable". I want to be the kind of person who says "sure go, have fun" but I feel hurt that he's wanting me to get to know his friends but then not wanting me to go anywhere his ex will be. I guess I feel left out. I know she will feel hurt too and I hate that (even though i know if it wasn't me it would be someone else.)

Am I being hugely over sensitive?

He doesn't say she's "mad" but she has had anxiety and depression and been signed off work a lot.

To be honest reading it all and getting others comments makes me feel like he's just been doing what suits him for the past year and I've just been expected to deal with Everything. I'm so angry, hurt and just can't believe I've let it happen. All because I loved him.

I defended him as for a long time he didn't want to be "public" with me.

You're right frontier. He doesn't consider himself free.
I've thought a lot about saying exactly what you suggest but my friends have suggested that we should get through it together. Also that that means ex wins (she has made life hard for us since she found out about me and I've heard her on the phone so I know it's not him lying.)
I just feel like I've compromised on everything so far and he's compromised on nothing.

I actually don't see it as ex wins so much as he loses.

Well op you might not mind of he has to part with more money but he does. I can see why he wouldn't want to rock the boat. It's not your money at stake here it's his. It sounds like a valid reason he has given re what the solicitors have said. Fair enough if you think he is lying and they didn't say it. Then I rest my case.

And AF if I was planning a lifetime with someone, yes their financial status matters to me.

I can understand the awkwardness for you all tbh thats fair enough, however I think after a year he should be commited to you enough to show you off and show everyone hes with you now and happy.

Always follow your instincts.

I don't think he's lying about the solicitor. He doesn't mind paying a bit more for his kids but is worried about paying spousal for ex.

I do think if he thinks going with me = rocking the boat and going without me upsets me then he should leave it.

Suppose I'm more upset that my feelings seem to come second to his rather than being as important

if she's going to claim spousal maintenance, that's not going to change because he takes you to a party - if he can change that at all its only by leading her to believe they might get back together and postoning the divorce indefintely

You know you're better off out of it at least until he's sorted. Well done on valuing yourself enough to know its his loss

I can actually see this from the other side.
I know, 3 1/2 years on from my OH leaving his ex, that even now, I wouldn't want to be at the same party as his ex.
If it was a party for a good friend of his then he may want to attend and do that on his own and I would be more than happy for him to do it.
I'm not saying that to be cool girlfriend it's what I would consider the right the thing to do.
They have both probably known the friend for a long time as a couple and the friend probably wants them both there to celebrate with him.
I really don't see this as big deal at all.

Your feelings are completely valid and justified as they are your feelings.
We are all different but I just thought you might want to see it from someone else's perspective?

Thanks hellsbells. I think if I didn't feel so generally hidden away by him then I might feel the same. I think it's also because I feel over the last year I've made all the compromises so the fact that my feelings about the party were almost irrelevant to him makes me think this isn't a man who really loves me despite frequent protestations about how much he does and how he can't wait To be free with me.

Re:spousal - he doesn't know if she will try. It's just Ben a veiled threat I believe. That's why he doesn't want to inflame her. She's already spat the dummy about the fact the kids like me etc etc.

Such a gutting feeling when you feel you've got someone totally wrong. Makes me feel really rubbish about myself :(

This is the type of crap that you let into your life when you see a man who's not divorced yet.

Why isn't he? 18 months is more than enough time.

But op you said he's not hiding you from his friends. You have met them and have plans with them in the future.

It's his ex he's keeping you from (until the divorce) I think he's getting the short straw in here. Who wants to give there money away? I don't see anyone around here! Paying a bulk of your earnings every month to the ex isn't always a wonderful prospect why is that being overlooked here? If you know that this situation might rile her. Can't you give him the benefit of the doubt. God I feel like I'm totally defending him! On my own too by the looks of it!

Too much time on my hands!

You have met his friends now though.
And you are going away with them soon as well.
And you have met his kids.

Quite I think I've been a bit defensive of him too.

But the OP doesn't feel like he's taking her feelings into consideration at all here. And he is just pushing it all aside as to how she feels.
'Exhausted' by it all! Really?

So, 18 months after separating and 12 months into a "long haul" relationship with another woman they haven't yet got the point where he knows what her financial "demands" are. As WhatsGoingOn says, just how far into the divorce process are they? I'm sorry but it doesn't sound like he intends to divorce any time soon to me.

his wife has "spat the dummy out"

huh ?

I think you and your married loverrrr deserve each other, tbh

Any - why the attack on me? What exactly have I done?!!

Why are you attacking his wife ? You know nothing about what went on his marriage other than what he has fed you.

Re spousal maintenance. . It's not going to make the slightest difference whether you are at the party or not. Having been in court a few weeks ago, it all depends on realistically if she has earning potential and if he can afford to give her spousal. If she has any kind of a solicitor at all they will advise her to look for spousal.
Your guy is being a coward, I know one thing my ex certainly wouldn't consider my feelings at all.

his wife has "spat the dummy out"
huh ?
I think you and your married loverrrr deserve each other, tbh

What an unnecessarily unkind post!

hellsbells I said much the same as you a way upthread.
I really don't think him going to friends' events on his own out of respect for his ex is 'being an arse' - I mean, it's a party that you hardly know anyone at, does it really matter?
Whatever you think of his ex, she exists, she is friends with these people, and their friendship is valuable to her as well. If you are with someone with a past sometimes you have to just be gracious.

Have had really good talks as a result of this situation so can hopefully move forward in a positive way.

ANyfucker - ex did spit the dummy! I heard her on the phone. You're right I don't know about their marriage but I do know what she says on the phone when I am in earshot and can hear her bleating loads of nonsense about me! I'm not sure if you're a bitter ex wife or what but your post was a bit unnecessary!

Thanks everyone for all the posts - they really gave me the courage to confront the issues and recognise that I wasn't being ott or a mug!

You're not being a mug.
Your feelings are totally justified.
Don't let anyone say they aren't.
They are YOUR feelings and yours alone.
I'm glad it looks like you have sorted everything out.
Just be sensitive to certain situations but don't let him hide you away.

It took my OH a long time to introduce me to people.
They think they are protecting you.

I am not a "bitter ex wife" nor a bitter "anything"

I simply raise my eyebrows when I see women slagging off other women, mostly because of what they have been told by a man

No matter what you overhear on the phone, you do not know the half of what went on their relationship

It's always a mistake to believe the "my ex is a psycho/bitch/moneygrabber/alkie/a mental case/bad mother/ not as brilliant as you 'cos you don't nag me and suck my cock whenever I want you to/insert random derogatory term" blah blah blah

Because believe me that is how he will describe you if and when he moves on to the next woman

it's always best to pick a bloke that is generally respectful of all women, but especially those he chose to share his life with. It's never good to join in with the bashing of exes to big your own self up, thinking this somehow makes you a better fit than the last one with this prize of a bloke

that is good advice...take it or leave it < shrug >

I think that even if you are in a relationship that turns out to be fully committed for the long haul, there are always times when your feelings don't trump everyone else's.

You are in a strong position here - or were, until you sent that email. You believe that your boyfriend loves you and wants to be with you long-term. His wife, however, is not so fortunate. It sounds as if she's struggling with getting her life back on track and coping with dcs who miss their father. Remember, she thought she was with him forever at one point. She doesn't need to feel she's lost all her friends, too.

And you'll be going away with them the weekend before, so you know they accept you as a couple.

I agree, with pps, that the best solution would be if neither of you went. But I wouldn't make an issue out of it. If your bf wants you to stay away, I think that's reasonable. It will be a v awkward situation, much worse for her than for you, and it doesn't mean that he should be deliberately unkind to her by putting you both in the same room. Tbh, I don't see what you'd get out of it. It would look as if it was giving you some sort of kick in having got something she wants but can't have. OK if she was fine about the new relationship, but she obviously hasn't got to that stage yet.

18 months isn't long to get over the break up of a marriage, especially when the divorce proceedings are still not finalised.

Just sending hugs OP, it's horrible when you feel you have compromised, but your partner compromises nothing. The problem is that men often upset/compromise the one they love, simply because they can. They are safe and secure in the knowledge that it will change nothing, whilst compromising/confronting an ex or a child, well that's for the very brave....