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Original poster

DP going to parties with ex

75 replies

ididntaskforthis · 26/06/2014 21:15

Been with Dp a year. All going well. He left his w 18mths ago after a bad few years. She was and is still very up and down about it.

He didn't introduce me to lots of his friends for a while as he thought it was rubbing ex's face in it but recently I have started to get to know them. Him and I have been invited to a friend of his birthday soon. His ex will be there too. He's told me he wants to go but doesn't want me to go as he thinks it will be awkward for him, his friends and will inflame things with his ex. I can totally see the logic in this but I feel really hurt by it.

I know it's hard when people get new partners but dp and I are in it for the long haul and at some point she'll have to see us together and there will no doubt be quite a few "mutual friends" events over the years.

He thinks I'm being "unbelievable". I want to be the kind of person who says "sure go, have fun" but I feel hurt that he's wanting me to get to know his friends but then not wanting me to go anywhere his ex will be. I guess I feel left out. I know she will feel hurt too and I hate that (even though i know if it wasn't me it would be someone else.)

Am I being hugely over sensitive?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 26/06/2014 22:24

"so he says" ?

Frontier · 26/06/2014 22:24

Its not possible for a man to be taken to the cleaners. Itis possible for a father to be instructed to provide for his children. Why would you want to be with a man who is trying to avoid that?

Optimist1 · 26/06/2014 22:31

A decent bloke would've said "Friends have invited us to a party, but they've also invited ex, so I hope you don't mind if we give it a miss. I don't want to aggravate the situation with her at the moment. At least we'll be able to have fun with the friends on our weekend away."

Original poster
ididntaskforthis · 26/06/2014 22:31

He doesn't say any of that stuff caramel!

He does provide for his kids and of course I want that!

I believe The other issues are around her threatening saying her mental health issues will prevent her from working and therefore he'll have to pay spousal maintenance. The mh issues seem to be quite up and down but as I don't know her I don't think it's fair for me to comment.

OP posts:
Original poster
ididntaskforthis · 26/06/2014 22:33

Optimist - that's what I think too! No big deal and he can take his friend out for a birthday meal another time

OP posts:
Quitelikely · 26/06/2014 23:19

Do you actually want to be where she is? If he doesn't want you there so he can save himself money in the divorce then tbh I don't blame him! Money is a big deal when it comes to divorces and anyway won't everyone be watching you and the ex to see whats going on etc.

After the divorce he has no excuse. And I don't think you're a stop gap either like some other posters have said.

Quitelikely · 26/06/2014 23:20

Trust me you'll be glad when the money is going on your life rather than hers!

gelati3 · 26/06/2014 23:31

If you are in a serious, committed relationship, he should be putting your feelings first.

AnyFucker · 26/06/2014 23:31

Trust me you'll be glad when the money is going on your life rather than hers!

what a weird thing to say

OP is just this bloke's girlfriend. I doubt she is financially dependent on him. And it's a certain sort of dodgy person who relishes that extra cocktail as a means to deprive his family of money that is rightfully theirs.

sykadelic · 27/06/2014 00:57

I wouldn't want to go to the party either honestly. You're his mistress, attending a party where his wife will be. Sure, he's in the process of a divorce, but it's not final.

Great, he's not hiding you from his friends, but I don't think he should be flaunting you either. That's what it seems like.

That said, I don't think he should go either. That would be weird too. If you're meeting up that weekend with the same friends then he should miss the party and celebrate the party then.

And yes, I do think he's being insensitive to you, but you both are for trying to flaunt the relationship before his divorce is even final.

Sparks1007 · 27/06/2014 01:49

How long have you been together?

LittleMissDisorganized · 27/06/2014 03:23

I step back at this sort of thing and DH and I are married!!!

His ex wife and him still have some events like this, mutual friends, their adult kids, etc. I am secure enough in my DH and sensitive enough to his XW to see it as not a big deal. (mind, she has attempted to assault me 3 times and he doesn't bad mouth her)

Original poster
ididntaskforthis · 27/06/2014 06:06

We've been together a year. I don't think his money should "go on me" nor does it go on her now. He pays what he should or therabouts (therabouts being more not less) in child Maintenance. I
own my own house and don't want anything from him financially.

I take offence at being called his mistress!

Little miss - if you're happy stepping aside then that's fine if that works in your relationship. I'm not - maybe cause I feel he's kept me hidden for a year and now I've had enough.

I wrote him an email last night. I knew I couldn't go till next week when I see him pretending I am fine and also knew if I wrote it down id get a chance to say my whole piece. I guess his response will help me see if he really is an insensitive selfish twat as some posters have said or if he's a bloke in a tough spot. I usually defend him to the hilt but in this case I do think he's put my feelings at the bottom of the pile.

OP posts:
Frogisatwat · 27/06/2014 06:24

Good I am glad you told him how you feel. I wouldn't be able to do 'cool girlfriend' in this case either

bakingaddict · 27/06/2014 06:33

Has he been to get any proper legal advice yet or does he just dangle this 'she'll take to the cleaners's routine if I upset her' when it suits him so he can get out of tricky situations. By no means am I an expert on divorce or legal matters but surely all circumstances will be factored before a financial settlement is agreed

jaynebxl · 27/06/2014 06:39

Are they definitely actually getting a divorce?

Dinnaeknowshitfromclay · 27/06/2014 06:47

I agree with Frog This is not a time to be the 'cool girlfriend' this is a time that can illustrate in bold capitals what he is like as a person and luckily you are totally on to it!

I also think he is behaving badly over this and should have declined the invite or you should go as a couple.
If his response to your email is anything less than you would like, please see this as a warning sign. You are right in that he is putting his ExW before you and using finances as an excuse is very poor and further illustrates he may be a twat not worth your time

Frontier · 27/06/2014 06:57

Two things. 1, if he's really happy to pay everything he should toward s hush dcs upbringing , the courts won't ask more than that of him so he has nothing to fear from a money grabbing ex. Therefore, either he does want to avoid paying or he's using it as an excuse to treat you badly.

2, Why are you in a relationship with someone you've regularly had to "defend to the hilt"? You've only been with him a year, what's he been doing that needed defending? I can only think of once in 20 years that I've had to do that for dh.

MsHighwater · 27/06/2014 06:59

Sykadelic, "mistress", really?

OP and her DP got together several months after her DP and is wife separated. Mistress is hardly the appropriate term and, assuming that divorce proceedings are underway, the two of them being seen together does not constitute "flaunting".

Original poster
ididntaskforthis · 27/06/2014 07:52

He has got legal advice and allegedly they have told him to be cautious Incase she uses her MH issues to say she can't work and therefore needs more money than most people would think was fair. He will always pay what he should and maybe more for the kids but it's the threat of her suddenly saying she's too ill to work which is the worry apparently.

I think he's being a bit dramatic but he says he's afraid of losing everything he's worked all his life for and I know he wants to keep things out of court as much as possible for the sake of money, his health (says he's finding it a stressful). and impact on kids

OP posts:
Original poster
ididntaskforthis · 27/06/2014 07:53

Sent the email last night and no response so far although I can see he's read it. Feeling GUTTED.

OP posts:
caramelwaffle · 27/06/2014 08:21

It's understandable that you feel that way.

You're worth much, much more than this.

I suggest you cut your losses on this one.

He seems to be a gutless wonder.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/06/2014 08:48

I think you are really to him the "she will do for now" woman.

Re this comment:-
"He has got legal advice and allegedly they have told him to be cautious Incase she uses her MH issues to say she can't work and therefore needs more money than most people would think was fair".

This is presumably what he has told you and I personally would not believe a word of it. Would legal advisors really say such things?. Using supposed mental health issues as well, I always thought that one big red flag about ex's was describing them as "mad" etc.

Original poster
ididntaskforthis · 27/06/2014 08:49

Funny when we first got together and we talked about things we didn't like about ourselves he said he was gutless. I should have run for the hills then shouldn't I :(

How can a man who says he loves you and wants to spend the rest of his life with you be so bloody cruel??

OP posts:
Frontier · 27/06/2014 08:53

You didn't say why you've had to defend him?

I wouldst have used the term mistress but he is still married and by his actions doesn't consider himself free. He is treating you like a bit on the side. Tell him you'll see him once the divorce is finalized - if you still want to.