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Original poster

internet porn and partner

67 replies

Santaclaws · 26/06/2014 18:57

I really need some help and support. I am currently abroad on holiday with my boyfriend who I met on a dating site 6 months ago. We have got on really well and he treats me very well. Then last night i was searching his phone for music to play with him beside me and up popped a site he subscribed to well one girls site off the babe channel. She's half our age it makes me feel sick. I actually can tolerate a bit of on line porn but to subscribe to this makes me suspicious he's been up to more

Everything then came out. The fact that when we first met i saw an escorts site pop up in his search box on the phone. He tells me that a guy at work went there and they all looked it up to see what it was like. He had told me previously that this guy he worked with had all these stories about women he'd been with so that could be true.

Finally I asked him about the app I'd seen on his phone when we met which said naughty places i think. It's not there now but he said he'd looked at some no strings sites when he was single.

Help help he seemed so lovely and he's upset about what's going
wrong now

OP posts:
Doitforme · 28/06/2014 00:51

If it happened before you were together then could you let it go. If you and he have a good relationship do you want to throw it away for something that you say might not have even happened.

Original poster
Santaclaws · 28/06/2014 04:18

It's all before we met. I truly have no reason to think hes got any interest in anyone or anything else. But obviously i needed to ask him when I saw the subscription thing come up

The relationship is fantastic totally respectful towards me in every way which is why I don't want to knock it on the head when it's possible he's not done anything

OP posts:
Original poster
Santaclaws · 28/06/2014 04:20

I think there is a guy at work because over the time we been together he's told me lots of stories about his work mates

OP posts:
BuzzardBird · 28/06/2014 09:34

And it doesn't bother you how he views women so it all sounds great.

Twinklestein · 28/06/2014 11:08

Well he's interested in the cam girl because he's paying a subscription...

Personally I would infer that the 'guy at work' stories may be about himself - he's been with loads of women, several at once, prostitutes etc - he's gauging your reaction to see how honest he can be about his past. Why would anyone tell stories about the sexual proclivities of a work-mate? Why would you want to know?

Original poster
Santaclaws · 28/06/2014 14:27

I would find it so hard to believe that he's been with lots of women himself. Honestly I might be completely wrong but my gut instinct is he hasn't and he's an honest guy who possibly possibly did an escort thing but only possibly. I do tend to look on the black side of things so I'm not trying to gloss over anything

Actually the night before I saw it on his phone we got a little drunk and were talking about our pasts partners included. It all seemed genuine from what I could tell

OP posts:
Doitforme · 28/06/2014 16:00

Doesn't everyone have a past and has done things that we may not personally agree with. But what they do now with you is what matters surely. Being with someone new is always risky as you don't know them so don't you have to just go by your gut instinct and trust it.

Original poster
Santaclaws · 28/06/2014 17:51

Yes I believe that's true everyone has a past
My gut instinct regarding him tells me he's a kind soul who cares deeply for me and would never intentionally hurt me. I was deeply upset when I saw that however and had to have it out with him

OP posts:
Doitforme · 28/06/2014 21:06

So you have had it out with him now and he seems mortified and you believe he is genuine. You are the one with him and you are the one who knows how he is behaving with you. Actions speak louder than words they say.

Vivacia · 28/06/2014 21:27

I personally wouldn't want this man touching me, but you seem more than comfortable with his view of women so yes I agree with others, "fill your boots".

Twinklestein · 28/06/2014 23:20

Wishful thinking can often be mistaken for 'gut instinct'.

Whatever his past behaviour, and clearly that's an unknown, no adult man looks up an escort agency that a bloke used from work, it's bullshit.
Perhaps he's used them in the past, perhaps he's used one recently. After 6 months, you really don't know this guy at all.

Doitforme · 28/06/2014 23:27

I'm sure there are men who look things up out of curiosity.

botanicbaby · 28/06/2014 23:39

"Then last night i was searching his phone for music to play with him beside me and up popped a site he subscribed to well one girls site off the babe channel. She's half our age it makes me feel sick."

"when we first met i saw an escorts site pop up in his search box on the phone. He tells me that a guy at work went there and they all looked it up to see what it was like."

"He had told me previously that this guy he worked with had all these stories about women he'd been with so that could be true."

"Finally I asked him about the app I'd seen on his phone when we met which said naughty places i think."

"It's not there now but he said he'd looked at some no strings sites when he was single."

Am so sorry OP but I think you believe what you want to believe, hearing what you want to hear which is understandable.

I don't think for a minute that the escorts site was nothing to do with him and all down to this guy at work. How convenient. Coupled with the naughty places app, no strings sex sites and subscription to a babe station girl's website. Ugh.

I don't think you know him at all in 6 months and if you stick around any longer, you'll find out and it'll be painful.

Doitforme · 29/06/2014 00:42

How old is he out of interest?

Original poster
Santaclaws · 30/06/2014 10:57

doitforme he's mid forties. Am back home now he stayed over at mine last night as very long flight but dashed off fairly sharpish this morning. The rest of holiday actually went ok considering. He's arranged to meet tomorrow and phone me later. I'm in a bit of a muddle, I feel deflated that something I thought was good and simple without complications and worries like my last long term EA relationship has turned out to have problems of its own. It's no longer perfect iykwim.

He MAY have done these things in the past or not I just don't know. I'm annoyed he dashed off like that too, has to get back to see his parents. There is lots good in this relationship and I don't know he's definately done anything wrong but there's doubt and the fact that although he says he loves me, love to me means wanting to be with someone all the time not dashing off quick as you can after being together for two weeks

OP posts:
Doitforme · 30/06/2014 11:08

Did he say why he needed to dash off quickish to see his parents. Maybe they were going away or something.

Original poster
Santaclaws · 30/06/2014 11:15

It sounds strange but he's living with them. If someone told me they were seeing a man his age who lived with his parents I'd think oh dear but he hasn't always lived there and he hasn't seemed to me to be reliant on them. They seem really nice always inviting me round. No he just wanted to see them and get tyres for car and no doubt wash his clothes. I just felt a bit abandoned especially as I thought he would be on his very best behaviour at the moment. I think we may have both gone off eachother a little at the moment. Me for obvious reasons and him because I was questioning him left right and centre which may have got him thinking whether he had In fact done anything or not. He's saw another side to me also

OP posts:
Doitforme · 30/06/2014 11:25

mmmmmm. Sounds like you have hit the nail on the head. He sounds like he has backed off. But more importantly, you need time to process how you feel about what you might have found out about him. Thing is, he is not a young man so would have a history and a past. Has he been married before or in a long term relationship?

Original poster
Santaclaws · 30/06/2014 12:30

He's not been married but has lived with someone for about ten years until 3 years ago. He's called me to see how I am and is coming over later this evening now that he's checked on parents so I guess I was wrong he hasn't backed off

OP posts:
Doitforme · 30/06/2014 13:12

Do you want to see him though? Wouldn't you like to take some time to be alone to work out how you feel without any pressure. Now is the time to do it before you become embroiled in the relationship again. Wont do him any harm to have to wait to see you until your ready either.

mammadiggingdeep · 30/06/2014 13:35

The "guy at work" routine huh??

Seriously- take a step back, re-read your op and be honest with yourself. Don't kid yourself. Listen to your gut.

rb32 · 30/06/2014 14:18

Blimey, banged to rights!

I saw a thread about adultwork on here the other day, I was curious so had a look.

I would never pay for sex, ever.

Original poster
Santaclaws · 30/06/2014 17:04

I'm not kidding myself, I know its possible he could have done it. However my gut seriously is telling me he's a good guy. I know I don't know him properly after 6 months who could, but I have felt very safe and comfortable around him and he always considerate, I can only go by that so far.

The guy at work story I might have totally disbelieved if he hadn't told me about him way way before any of this came up. If he had suddenly just said it to explain his way out of that situation it definately wouldn't be believable. Also I can't see how anyone would say about a guy at work simply as a way to test my reaction to prostitutes. I think most men would assume women would not be happy about it and therefore if he had used them he wouldn't be likely to mention the subject out of the blue but he'd steer well away from it.

rb32 when I first read a thread about adultwork I too had a quick look to see what it was about, and I'm female

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 30/06/2014 17:23

Your last long term relationship was with someone who was and still is
emotionally abusive; it sounds to me like your radar is still way off beam
and you've just switched this man for yet another one who at heart disrespects women and regards them simply as commodities. He may not be out of the same mould as the previous bloke but he is out of a rotten mould all the same.

I do not think you know him at all. What you have already found re him has worried you.

I was going to suggest you enrol on Womens Aid Freedom Programme as this has been designed for women who have been in abusive relationships.

RandomBloke1 · 01/07/2014 09:31

Hmmmm, not sure if this is a good idea but here goes Confused

I just had to say that if the best advice to a woman is to dump her guy when he is considerate and makes her feel safe then Santaclaws would be much better off talking to the guy in question than taking advice from some (fortunately just a few) of you.

The escorts thing is a bit unusual but I'd bet those sites get 100 hits for every one booking they take and the porn is something that 99% of blokes (and it seems quite a lot of women) have partaken in so hardly a sacking offence.

By the sounds of things it was all when the guy was single so maybe all the ladies who are suggesting that it is all over should think about anything that they might not like to reveal to their DP about their past and how they would like him to react before trying to ruin what may well be a good and healthy relationship…………….

Hope that was OK as a first post, I'll expect my banning order any time now Blush.