My partner walked out this morning and now I feel suicidal

[ParadoxicalUndressing]

After a massive row about nothing, he walked out and I don't think he's coming back. I always say the wrong words, use the wrong tone of voice.

I just took some sedatives and got into the bath, hoping that I might fall asleep in there and not wake up. But I couldn't sleep and the bath went cold so I had to get out. I even managed to fuck that up.

I'm not going to do anything else - I'm in bed sedated now and other options are just too horrible.

I don't know what to do. I have nobody to turn to. It's my fault and I'm full of self-loathing. I have only myself to blame for the state of my life, the people I hurt. I just wish it were all over.

My psychiatrist will try to section me if I contact him, and rightly so you might think. But I can't go through that.

I even feel bad posting this. I don't know where else to go.

Op, if you are still awake and want to talk to someone, have you thought about the Samaritans? They are very good listeners.

Have you tried to contact your partner? I would very much hope that he has gone out to calm down and he will realise that, as you say, it was a row about nothing.

Other posters better at this sort of stuff will be along soon. This is not worth ending your life over.

It sounds like there's a fair bit of back story here, and OP you sound tired, sad and lonely and I really hope that posting will help with some of those feelings. Some years ago I too was really relying on medication to cope and felt there was no hope. And it's been a bloody long and painful journey littered with loss but it can change, it can get better. Other people can sometimes help but ultimately you are going to need to find the strength inside of you.

Does your partner support you, build up your self esteem and help you fulfil your potential? If not, then let him go, and focus on you, on getting through the day, the hour, the minute if needs be. It's 12:30, what are you going to do this next hour? Sleep? Read MN? Do something with your hands? Have you eaten and taken care of yourself? It's going to be ok.

Is a man, or anybody else, really worth ending your life over? Come on OP, you can get through this, maybe he will come back maybe not but you need to take care of yourself, eat something if you haven't already, find something to occupy your mind. Get through the next hour, then the next

OP I would second LadyMercy's advice. The Samaritans really are very good when you're feeling truly hopeless. Even if you just want to sit on the phone and not say anything for a bit, that's fine with them and they'll just stay with you while you just make contact with another human being.

At the very least, they can help by giving you a bit of breathing space and even the tiniest shift in perspective can make a difference.

Please don't do anything silly. The shockwaves would be bigger than you could imagine. I don't mean this as a guilt trip, but it's something you can never come back from and chances are, with the right help, one day you'll be glad you didn't.

I think you should talk to your psychiatrist.

You are having a crisis. You need support.

You obv have ongoing mh issues so it is to be expected that you will find it difficult to cope with this crisis. That is no fault of yours. You have not failed.

If you are feeling suicidal please call 999 and ask for an ambulance. That is what they are there for.

If you can't do that then is there anyone who come come and be with you today and tonight?

Samaritans

0845 790 9090

Don't be afraid to go to A&E Paradoxical A&E is somewhere that can keep you safe. Or can you contact your local crisis team. There's help out there and you can get it.

Maybe someone else can confirm this but my understanding is, if you are willing to go into hospital willingly you would not be detained (sectioned).

If you haven't tried The Samaritans yet don't worry if you are scared you'll clam up, many people put the phone down the first time they call them.

Whatever your relationship has been like, I am sorry you are distressed, if it hurts, it hurts. Everyone is worthy of love. Even if this relationship brought you more pain than happiness, and today's row triggered other tough times in your life, if you accept help now, you can get strong again.

I know from your first post it doesn't sound like you have an obvious safety net of family or friends close by, is there someone you can trust who you can talk to? Keep posting.

Sorry, I've been asleep. Thank you for your kind words.

I haven't tried to contact him, no. I don't know what to say to him. Everything I say is wrong. I haven't heard from him. He will be back later to collect his things no doubt. I am going to fall to pieces.

He is supportive and does encourage me. He doesn't do much for my self-esteem, but it was low to begin with.

A man isn't worth ending my life over. It's just the straw that's breaking the camel's back. It hurts to think about my life, everything that went wrong and everything I wish it had been. Sometimes I feel like dying would be less painful than living. I make all the wrong choices. I feel so unlovable.

I contacted my psychiatrist's office to ask for some more sedatives. I'm still sedated from all the diazepam I took and it's the only thing keeping me together. But I know that won't last forever.

so let's draw up a list
contact psych for anti-depressants?
tried counselling/hypnothepy?
any hobbies you enjoy?
places like woodlands etc you like?
favourite food/music?
swimming/pedicure/haircut type things?
book from library?

choose one good thing every day

Can you bear to eat something, get a drink? Are you able to get outdoors for some fresh air? Do you have a radio to listen to or audio books?

If your partner comes back, see what he says and does, it may be that he's had time to think about things.

I don't know the background to this but nobody's perfect, if you and he have gone through a difficult patch and he's decided he's had enough, you aren't 100% to blame. Being supportive can be a strain, contriving a row is often a means of making an exit. Has this happened before with him?

If you are unwell, it's the illness talking that makes you feel worthless. Negastive thoughts can be intrusive and overwhelming. Don't punish yourself (or him) by doing something drastic.

What did you once see yourself doing in the future? I don't want to make you uncomfortable btw, it's anonymous here, excuse me wittering on.

OP, you managed to post here, you reached out. I think that is a really good start because it shows that you can reach out to someone else who may be able to provide the practical help that MN can't.

If your Dp does leave and you go to pieces, that doesn't matter, that's perfectly normal. What matters is what you do next.

He's under a lot of stress and pressure at the moment. Potential bankruptcy. I can say something to him that I meant nothing by, but it's as if he wants a rise out of me. If I challenge him on anything he storms off saying "Well obviously I'm just an awful person!"

I've been supporting him for months. I nursed him through an unexpected illness and help him the best I can with his work. He's been supporting me through the ups and downs of my mental illness.

I think it must be me, I'm wrong, toxic. I've fucked up all my life and I'm fucking this up as well. At the moment I don't care if he comes back or not. I don't care about anything anymore, and least of all if I live or die.

Donkey, I have never seen myself doing anything. My ideas were always shot down by my parents so I stopped dreaming. I have no aspirations. All I hoped for is for everything to be okay. And it was, but I keep fucking it up.

Sorry, this feels stupidly self-indulgent.

It doesn't sound to me as though you've 'fucked this up'. You're both going through difficult times and the pressure came out this morning.

You seem a caring and compassionate person, with zero self esteem.

Chat with the Samaritans. It won't solve anything, but it might help you to talk about your worries and feelings.

Also talk to your psychiatrist. He/she will want to help you through this.

Potential bankruptcy sounds serious, but not something you can blame yourself for, even if he lets out his wrath or worry on you. Caring for someone through an illness isn't easy, and sounds as if you have been very supportive, hardly a Jonah figure.

Lots of couples endure horrible times, it isn't always of their own making, sounds like the pair of you have had a tough year.

Nothing wrong with modest ambitions, if your parents were not of the encouraging nurturing variety perhaps you're unused to feeling valued or taken seriously.

You're both going through difficult times and the pressure came out this morning.

He never seems to acknowledge this though, and I do try to suggest this. He just blames it on me. He doesn't say it's my fault exactly, but I'm the one he's angry with.

It's horrible, not hearing from him. Waiting for him to come back tonight when he will probably announce he is leaving me.

He tried to say 'let's just forget about this' before he left this morning. I agreed, but then went on to say please don't say xyz again, it upset me. He said I was continuing the row, that he was sick of it. That's when he stormed off. I feel dreadful. I don't know whether to apologise or not.

Okay, a "No shit, Sherlock" moment here, stress can change personalities. You are present so you become an easy target or whipping boy. Sometimes the anger directed at the other person is self-loathing or guilt. For that matter if he had shouldered all the worry without telling you, that would still have put unbearable pressure on you both.

Unless you personally went on spending sprees and deliberately increased your outgoings I don't think you should carry any blame.

Apologising for something you aren't responsible for just makes you go round in circles.

So what should I do?

I'm dreading him coming back, whenever that will be. Not because I don't want to see him, but because I know how annoyed he'll be and how I won't be able to do anything right. I hoped I might hear from him... I guess his silence tells me all I need to know.

By the time my prescription for more sedatives comes through the pharmacy will be closed. That means a long walk to the out of hours one. I don't know how I can do it.

One step at a time, OP.

You are feeling bad, so it is not the time to reflect on your life, because everything looks awful through that prism.

There are good times ahead. I used to feel suicidal and then a year or two later, often sooner, I would be so grateful I had not acted on it.

Does he drive? Give him an hour beyond when he normally gets in. If he comes in sober tell him you need to collect a prescription and ask him to please take you to the out of hours chemist. In a fraught situation silence is the strongest negotiation tactic you have. Don't start apologising as soon as he walks in.

Better yet, do you have cash in the house, is there a bus route, or you could call a taxi. If you sit around waiting for DP you could be there all night if he's arranged to stay elsewhere.

Mexican you are right, it is just helping OP get through an hour at a time.

I was supposed to be going out tonight, which he knows. Now I'm not, which he doesn't. I've no idea what time he might come in but he will think I'm not here.

He knows this silence is agonising for me. But I know if I break it (like I usually do) he'll get what he wants which will only reinforce this type of rift.

I just want him to come back and for it to be okay. I'm trying to get through each minute but I'm struggling now and crying again. I think the sedatives are wearing off.

I'm considering beer now. God, I wish I were stronger than this. I think my lifetime's worth of strength was used years ago.

My prescription's ready. Going to have to pull myself together in order to make it to the local pharmacy in time.

Probably not a good idea to drink alcohol with anxiety medicine?

Listen, your mind is racing thinking/predicting what he'll say or do, stop dwelling on him, and figure out how you'll collect your prescription instead.