My partner walked out this morning and now I feel suicidal

[ParadoxicalUndressing]

After a massive row about nothing, he walked out and I don't think he's coming back. I always say the wrong words, use the wrong tone of voice.

I just took some sedatives and got into the bath, hoping that I might fall asleep in there and not wake up. But I couldn't sleep and the bath went cold so I had to get out. I even managed to fuck that up.

I'm not going to do anything else - I'm in bed sedated now and other options are just too horrible.

I don't know what to do. I have nobody to turn to. It's my fault and I'm full of self-loathing. I have only myself to blame for the state of my life, the people I hurt. I just wish it were all over.

My psychiatrist will try to section me if I contact him, and rightly so you might think. But I can't go through that.

I even feel bad posting this. I don't know where else to go.

Oh x post, right then, glad you are getting out.

He still isn't here. All his things are here, including his medication. I feel horrible. My head is pounding. I'm trying not to cry so I don't feel quite so pathetic. I've ruined everything.

I don't think you've ruined everything. It sounds like he takes out all his frustration out on you and that you'll be blamed for saying/doing the wrong thing no matter what. That's the thing: if it's always you and you're always in the position of having done the 'wrong thing', then it probably isn't you at all. It's him.

You shouldn't be his verbal punching bag or the person he punishes by disappearing and leaving you desperate and upset. Right now it seems as if he targets you with his anger. You need some distance from him so you can get some perspective on how he treats you, especially if you're caught up in thinking you're to blame for all of this. Because from what you've said so far it's clear that you're being treated very badly indeed. There's something very wrong going on if you've been made to feel that you've earned this treatment.

Wondering how you are this morning.