My OHs ex causing trouble, dont understand why

[crazylady321]

Hey Ladies, ive just joined. Got a couple of issues I could do with a bit of advice over first of which is my partners ex.

We have been together a year and I am nearly 3 months pregnant, I already have children from previous relationship and he has a 7 year old son with mentioned ex.

We moved in together 2 weeks ago on a bit of a trial basis to make sure things are working before baby comes, everything is going well apart from the ex is kicking up a fuss about their son staying with us. OH has his son either Friday or Saturday night sometimes both depending on work, and also takes him out on a weds after school. OH was previously staying with his parents so son would sleep there.

Since finding out he has moved in with me she is adamant that she doesnt want him sleeping over in a house he doesnt know (even though he has been a number of times, and gets on really well with my children) So so far we have respected her wishes and hes been at his grandparents and OH has seen him there and has brought him to my house to play with kids through the day.

He is working this wednesday so he had him Tuesday instead this week, he would usually take him out for tea or cinema maybe visit his sister with him, last 2 weeks hes brought him here, the son has seemed really happy playing with my kids and last week he asked me to make bolognaise for when he comes so I did, and he kept complimenting it.

Now this is where it gets really petty on her part. Last night she txt my chap saying he had broke the arrangement by not taking him out and bringing to my house, and then made the comment that he better not be sick after eating bolognaise and apparently hes stained his tshirt. Sorry I just dont get it? I can only imagine hes gone home talking about how nice it was. I then logged on fb this morning to find a message which said " im sorry nothing against you but OH needs to understand he has to follow my rules, you are a parent so should understand where im coming from" Well of course I do, all my 4 children spend time with their dad his new partner and her children, I have no issue with it I trust my exs judgement and I accept people move on.

I am totally baffled by the exs problems, this is a lady who cheated on my OH with his friend and then moved him in as soon as they split up and has since married and had 2 children with him. My Oh has had to accept all this so why can she not see things from his point of view.

Sorry this is a long post think Ive wrote everything, happy to read any advice. Thanks

Well she's jealous. That much is obvious.

My advice is to completely ignore her stupid rule because if you let her think she has the right to dictate this then you are setting yourselves up to having to ask permission for every little thing you want to do. OH needs to make a stand now, and from now on just take DS to stay at your house. I she kicks off ignore it. If she withholds contact get a solicitor. She will be laughed out of her solicitors office with such a ridiculous attitude.

Yep, good old fashion jealously.

If your DSD is happy with being at your house, he gets on well with your DC's then it shouldnt be an issue, but it sounds like she sees the boy as her possession.

Your husband has got the right to do as he wishes with his son as long as he is safe and not at risk. How does the stupid woman think he is going to become familiar with your home if he is banned.

Make a stand and do it now. Looks like things aren't going so well for her and she is jealous.

And it's not your fault he slopped on his shirt! Gawd has she not heard of stain remover!

It's only been two weeks. Everyone is still adjusting. Your dp needs to sit down with his ex and discuss what contact visits will look like from now on.

tbh as much as your dp's ds loves playing with your dc's and eating your food, it doesn't sound as special as going to the cinema and out for tea. Maybe your dp's ex is concerned her ds is going to feel a little pushed out. It's also a big adjustment for the ds to have his ddad living with someone else, possibly new step-siblings and a new baby on the way. Maybe his dmum thinks it would be better to keep everything else as normal and introduce him slowly to all these changes?

The stain on the top was a petty comment but I'm guessing she realised that afterwards and that's why you received the facebook message.

Of course jealousy is the obvious reason, just dont see why they have not been together for around 5 years. And I have been told she kicks up a fuss about everything. When they split up she stopped contact because he had assaulted her new partner the guy she cheated with, no charges was brought but all contact went through solicitors etc, and why shes only let him be at his parents house. He dotes on his son and there is no reason to be worried. I am a mother and I understand genuine concerns, Ive been the same in the past but ive learnt to accept the situation as it is

Hang on- he assaulted someone? And you are not only letting him live with your dc but also having a baby with him?

By the way, ive not mentioned she doesnt know im pregnant and none of the children do either as waiting till weve had scan next week, I wonder if her attitude will change if she knew, any normal mum would want her child to know his sibbling?

No charges was brough he only grabbed hold of him to throw him out the house after catching him with his then partner, The guy didnt want to make a deal out of it it was the ex kicking up a fuss.

Im not totally nieve if I thought he was a violent man he wouldnt be here I can assure you

You cant assure me i'm afraid, the proof is in his behaviour. He acted violently when angered. Tells you all you need to know. It doesnt matter that charges werent brought. I've been assaulted and didnt press charges because it would have inflamed an already volatile situation. But the assault happened and I was hurt.

thinking your pregnancy will reduce her jealousy is a little naive to be honest. It's much more likely to make her feel more angry and protective of her son, if that's her starting point.

Patience and firm, quiet boundaries are the order of the day. Don't pick fights or try to engage her in conversations about your relationship with her son. The only person who should talk to her at all is her XP, your OH. All he needs to say is that he will take things slowly, and follow his DS's cues about what he is happy with - but that he needs her to respect his judgement on this, as he respects hers as a parent. Then disengage from her opinions about it as much as possible.

Break ups are complicated and it's not all about who was at fault - letting go is a process, not an event. You can't change or control the extent to which she has moved on. All you can do is put your DSS's needs first and carry on, calmly.

But be realistic about the pregnancy news. It's much more likely to make her angry and upset than diffuse the situation!

Well thats ok, im asking advice on the ex and not something that happened 5 years ago. I dont know of any person who wouldnt of been angered to finding their gf with another guy a supposed "friend". My OH has a scar on his head which apparently she did to him while he was getting other guy out of the house, so in my view she is just as bad. I have been in the situation where ive found a partner cheating and your blood is boiling that much sometimes things happen, I am a very calm person but during a fit of rage I did assault my ex by throwing an object at him, this too makes me just as bad. Am I a violent person? No Im not. I like to think everyone needs a chance without been judged, maybe more fool me but im no walk over if I ever see a hint of anything he will be gone.

Thank you, I am been calm with her, tbh never even spoke to her shes blankled me totally the couple times ive come face to face dispite me smiling at her to try make an effort. Ive told my OH after the scan he needs to tell her that he will be telling ds before hand and hes agreed, same with my ex. So there will be no fb announcements or anyhting like that until exs and children are told

I don't think it is a disproportionate response to manhandle someone out of your house who is sleeping with your wife!

Violence is not ok but come on...........asking why she's letting him near her kids etc is a bit ott, unless you are his ex wife? (Just kidding)

I love the way the thread pounces on your OH because he acted quite naturally to throw out the bloke who was shagging his missus, in his own home!

I mean, what would you expect a man (or woman) to do in that situation, apologise for interrupting?

I think you need to hold on for a while and see how it settles down, crazylady. OH needs to work this one out, but do keep copies of any contact, including fb. That message sounds quite controlling and is quite unreasonable!

Ah ok so you are both violent then. So thats ok.

Oh please. That is ridiculous.

Unless of course, STOP, you are a Stepford Wife, no feelings programmed in at all!

Agree with Quite he found his partner cheating with his friend, the dudes lucky he just got grabbed by the arm.

I think the ex needs to be told that when her son is with his dad its not really her business, oh and she is remarried since the split? Fucking hypocrite.

Personally I think you would be better discussing this on the Jeremy Kyle show.
You all sound delightful.....

When i found my exp cheating i sat in shock and then burst into tears and drove off. No cheaters were harmed.

Violent people react violently when angered. It's something to be wary of OP. and two violent people living together multiplies the risk.

His ex is no better for scratching him either. All 3 of you are on level par on that score.

But she's still being jealous and trying to regain a level of control (that she has been reminded of losing by him moving in with you) by controlling the only thing she can that affects your OH. His son. OH needs to be firm and just tell her its happening. She can like it or lump it. your response to anything she does needs to be calm and considered because it could go to solicitors and Court so both of you need to bite back those tempers when dealing with her. Personay i would say you should ignore her contact and let OH interact with her.

Not as delightful as you starfish

Thank you for your replies. Hmmm cant see us on Jeremy any time soon tbh thanks for your suggestion :)
2/3 wrongs dont make a right and thats a fact but end of the day nobody is perfect. I am not at all concerned regarding violence all the crap weve both been through last few years and never resorted to violence. Wasnt just a scratch either she gave him she whacked a glass tumbler at him and was the one needing hospital treatment. But end of the day I only mentioned this as back ground (her reasons why she feels way she does).

I do want honest and critical advice but regarding the situation not the background, I know that may seem a little rude and arragant of me and seem like im burying my head in the sand etc but i honestly arent concerned.

Im still im 2 minds whether to message her back or not I feel like saying something but advice on here and OH have said not to so I will bite my tongue for now. Things arte not good between him or her and havent been since what happened even after so long he refuses to have anything to do with her unless he has to and his mum has been the go between. Although what I know about her I dont think we would ever be friernds or anything but it would be nice if we were on speaking terms, like he is with my ex. The son is such a lovely boy seems so happy round his dad would be nice if we could all just be civil he must pick up on it all :(

Yes I have been that enraged when I caught my then partner up to no good.

I am 42 and am not violent. Never before never since. Anyway I don't believe that was the point of the thread.
As you were op.

Have you heard of an aberration? That question goes to starfish and STOPwiththe whatever!

Honestly such a lot of judgemental twaddle.

I wonder how many of you have been so provoked as those who have actually lost their temper! You know, losing your temper is a perfectly normal and natural reaction!

Not advisable or desirable but it is totally normal and you know what, by not losing your temper you become ill.... and I speak from experience of being abused in many ways and just internalising it.

I have a temper, a trait I inherited from my mother. I lost it once. I never intend to lose it again. Luckily the object of my temper was a locked door, but it took years for me to get to that point. And I do not care who chooses to flame me because you would have to walk a mile in my shoes before you can judge.

I do have a temper but you would never ever think it if you knew me. I am thought of as many good traits, I am a people pleaser, but every worm has a turning point and that is worth remembering.

Sorry OP did not mean to derail your thread, but I am not a violent person, I resent STOP your labelling of me as violent. Everyone reacts differently and sometimes, when faced with circumstances they think they can handle, they find they react totally differently. As they say, 'it is a wise man that knows himself.'