My OHs ex causing trouble, dont understand why

[crazylady321]

Hey Ladies, ive just joined. Got a couple of issues I could do with a bit of advice over first of which is my partners ex.

We have been together a year and I am nearly 3 months pregnant, I already have children from previous relationship and he has a 7 year old son with mentioned ex.

We moved in together 2 weeks ago on a bit of a trial basis to make sure things are working before baby comes, everything is going well apart from the ex is kicking up a fuss about their son staying with us. OH has his son either Friday or Saturday night sometimes both depending on work, and also takes him out on a weds after school. OH was previously staying with his parents so son would sleep there.

Since finding out he has moved in with me she is adamant that she doesnt want him sleeping over in a house he doesnt know (even though he has been a number of times, and gets on really well with my children) So so far we have respected her wishes and hes been at his grandparents and OH has seen him there and has brought him to my house to play with kids through the day.

He is working this wednesday so he had him Tuesday instead this week, he would usually take him out for tea or cinema maybe visit his sister with him, last 2 weeks hes brought him here, the son has seemed really happy playing with my kids and last week he asked me to make bolognaise for when he comes so I did, and he kept complimenting it.

Now this is where it gets really petty on her part. Last night she txt my chap saying he had broke the arrangement by not taking him out and bringing to my house, and then made the comment that he better not be sick after eating bolognaise and apparently hes stained his tshirt. Sorry I just dont get it? I can only imagine hes gone home talking about how nice it was. I then logged on fb this morning to find a message which said " im sorry nothing against you but OH needs to understand he has to follow my rules, you are a parent so should understand where im coming from" Well of course I do, all my 4 children spend time with their dad his new partner and her children, I have no issue with it I trust my exs judgement and I accept people move on.

I am totally baffled by the exs problems, this is a lady who cheated on my OH with his friend and then moved him in as soon as they split up and has since married and had 2 children with him. My Oh has had to accept all this so why can she not see things from his point of view.

Sorry this is a long post think Ive wrote everything, happy to read any advice. Thanks

Umm, sorry, but if I came to my home and found my Dp in my bed with someone else, engaging in sexual activity, I would feel justified in physically removing them both from my home, if they resisted being removed.

I would also feel justified in questioning the moral and social qualifications of both the people involved, especially if DC's are involved.

Please tell me you aren't FB friends with her!

She's jealous and is being difficult. She just doesn't want him to move on and be happy with somebody else. Logic just doesn't come into it. And don't expect her to be your best friend it isn't going to happen. Don't get involved in a slanging match by text. Just leave your DP to sort it out and keep out of it as much as you can.

Her rules?

Sounds like you are a lovely step mum to your husband's son and you carry on making him lovely Bolognese.

asking why she's letting him near her kids etc is a bit ott

Just to clarify a few things here, OP stated that her partner assaulted his ex's OM. It was not until a later post that she explained it was a physical removal from the house. My comment about why was he living with her DCs were before she elaborated. All i was working from at that point was the statement that he had assaulted someone (OP's own words)

Secondly, i am very glad for all of you who have managed to control your tempers apart from the odd loss of control- this is good and what i hope OP and her DP have been able to do. None-the-less, a violent outburst is a violent outburst and shouldn't be dismissed because it never happened before. If someone was hurt then their hurt is valid and was caused by an act of violence. They and others are entitled to think of you, based on that behaviour, as violent. As i said i have been assaulted and perhaps that has cemented my feelings somewhat on this issue, i consider the person who assaulted me to be a violent person. I couldnt honestly put my hand on my heart and say they are not a violent person because i know that not to be the case.

Lastly, anger is absolutely fine and a healthy emotion. I dont know a person alive who doesnt get angry- but anger does not and should not equal violence and should not excuse violence. Yes sometimes people get angry and behave violently, but that is not ok.

It sounds like OP is in a situation involving several volatile people and so she should be cautious especially because she has children involved, and she herself is pregnant which is not only a stressful time but makes her more vulnerable than normal.

Hmm I have changed my mind.

Oh come on, STOPwiththehahaheheloling, you are talking from the country with the brave soldiers who go out to kill people they have never met in foreign lands, but you go to the ridiculouse extreme that a man should not react when he sees not only his wife in bed with another man, but that other man is his so-called friend.

Of course we are all capable of violence under extreme provocation.

You think what soldiers do in their line of duty is equivalent to someone losing their temper and lashing out to hurt someone? really i know several forces men who would be very insulted by that comparison.

Anyway, nowhere did i say he should not react.

You have four kids
DP has 1
DP's Ex has 2 more
Your Ex's DP has a few
And now you have another on the way after less than one year.
How confusing for the (many) children involved.
I don't know about anything else but I think you all need to take a break and stop procreating for a mo.

how inappropriate and rude can you get???

Mexican! WTF are you on about? GF no doubt . Pathetic.

Hi again, thank you to the people who have given me good advice. Like I said im happy to take all words on board, but will say again my post isnt about violence, I was giving a bit of background to why their situation is so bad, its not an issue for me and trust me if it ever was I know what to do!

Gail - Im sorry people like you are very judgemental im waiting for comments in person too off people regarding having 5 children, its a shame in this day and age that people are still so black and white. Getting pregnant after less than a year may not be ideal and a perfect situation but its happened (not planned) and im feeling very blessed, I know the baby will be very loved and cared for. Of course children do get confused etc but I will try my ghardest to make sure they are involved and not left out at all. I cant believe im justifying myself here but hey ho. The fact that my ex partner is with a lady with 2 children is totally irrelivent, this is life and are all at an age now where alot of adults do have children from previous relationships, what should we all do just avoid anyone who does?

I have told my bf that I had been on here to ask for advice on situation and hes told me not to put anything too personal incase anyone realises who I am and cause any problems. He was telling me that you all are right who thinks shes jealous, he told me she wanted to get back with him and when he refused moved the other guy in :/
We (or rather he) has decided to leave the situation as it is for now as his parents are taking him to their caravan this weekend OH cant go due to work but hes assured me hes going to be making an effort to talk to her on his weds visit this week, I have scan on monday so if everything goes ok will be telling her about that aswell

Crazylady321 I agree with the posters who think you (or your partner) should give his ex some straight talk. Unless she has a real reason for refusing to allow her son to your house she should not be allowed to dictate terms. I would nip this behaviour in the bud.

Gail . What a ridiculous comment. Nine dc between five adults is not very many imho. Even if it were 90 I can't see the point of the comment.

Whoever made the Jeremy Kyle comment a very at you. Must we all have a two child nuclear family, wherein no one ever swears, or stomps their foot, or throws a plate lest some snob becomes all judgey pants.

Sheesh. How rude can you get.

thank you Germinal. Ive not come on here for people to pick up on the none important things and have a go, its kind of been rail roaded a little.

I do agree also I deffinately think its just been awkward for sake of it and jealousy aswell. I do think (and ive told him this) that the way he is with her plays right into her hands he is so stubborn hes not aggresive or difficult with her or anything its just like a stroppy teenager in some ways ive heard him and Ive told him about it and to try and make a bit more effort, he says hes tried and she either sees it as an opportunity to flirt with him or accuses him of plotting something. But she is also same with his parents she feels like theyve always got an hidden agenda

brdgrl- No im not fb friends with her she sent a pm which was in my "others box". OH has got her on block thank god, probilly should do that also

Hi again, Oh wow a month as passed since I wrote this took me a while to find I just wanted to ask more advice really and bit of an update on the situation and really didnt fancy writing it all out again, Bit reluctant after it kind of got rail roaded before.

Well we still havent had the little boy over to stay she has turned round and said if we get him a bed of his own then she will be happy to, not one of my kids beds when they are at their dads or not a blow up bed or anything like that. We of course will be happy to get him a bed of his own its just having the space just seems like one more petty excuse. I feel really sorry for ds the more ive been spending time with him lately the more I can see how frustrated he is, hes been saying how much he hates his step dad because he favours his own kids more than him and he was saying his step grandma comes with the others gifts and she will just give him a tube of smarties...

My OHs mum has suggested he takes things back to the solicitor shes also noticed change in his behaviour and attitude, I am aware its probilly since his dads moved in with me aswell and we are trying to include him everything but its so hard when shes been so difficult. I mean this saturday he was going to have him as usual but he had been invited to a party OH offered to take him and bring him home but she wouldnt have it and wanted him collecting at 5pm even though party had finished at 3pm so missed out on doing something together. He then took him to his parents and left at 9pm for the night, his mum brought him round at dinner time to see us after OH had finished work and we had sunday dinner together he didnt want to go home and wanted to wait to see my kids come home from their dads but she wanted him back for 3pm.

Just so frustrating seeing how upset OH is getting and more importantly the little boy. Few more months we will have a new baby and we need to sort these adjustments sooner rather than later, so angry about it. Sorry for the long rant AGAIN

In fairness if you want the kid to feel at home he should have always had his own bed.

And I agree and he will but everything is up in the air at the moment, my boys are in the small room and only fits their bunk beds and wardrobe and a few toys, I cant put him in with the girls so we are stuck.. Waiting to find out sex of baby so can juggle things more permanently.
His parents have a folding camping bed which will fit on the floor in there and was hoping he could use that for time being but shes said no

I feel really sorry for this little boy. A step dad who favours his own DC over him, a step granny who doesn't include him in her gift giving sessions in his own home, and he comes to his dad and has no bed of his own. Poor kid must feel utterly displaced no matter where he is.

OP you sound a bit frustrated and frazzled and I'm not surprised but in all honesty I wouldn't be happy with my DC staying somewhere if they had no bed of their own. That wouldn't be me trying to be difficult, it would be a basic necessity.

I agree curt. But then I wouldn't let any future partner or their family exclude my DS. Poor boy's mum sounds selfish and may well be doing it to be spiteful.

OP you do sound very frazzled! How many bedrooms do you have? Is it possible to do some juggling earlier? Can he not go in with your DDs as a temporary measure?

I know and im a mother id feel the same but its not just the bed situation, its not like hes on the floor or anything he has a bed at his grandmas we could have but we simply havent got the room at the moment, we are hoping to swap all the rooms but its going to be a big job. Its an horrible situation to be in for him he might not be my blood but love him to bits hes his dads mini me we want whats best for him. he might not have a bed but he is loved I know that much.

I have a 3 bed, my children are at their dads weekends so they arent here I guess we could fit a bed in there he would have room to himself but its bright pink hes really boysterous dont think he would be impressed.

I know hes only 7 but I do think we need to chat to him about what he wants I know he keeps telling us hes not happy but thats at home

Poor kid, I'm with InTheNorth on not letting any future partner exclude my DC the way your DSS seems to be excluded by his step dad. You clearly include him and think the world of him which is great. Shuffling the rooms/beds is a big job and I don't envy you it, but if you OH's ex is stipulating it, then it looks like it's a must sooner rather than later.

Going to be now anyway, just wanted to say though we could go to all this effort (well not really effort, as we want him here) but she could turn round and pick a fault with something else I mean this is the 3rd excuse so far as it is.

I appreciate it might be hard for her to let him into a new environment I was the same when my ex moved in with his partner but I knew they were all happy and cared for its never even crossed my mind to ask what they sleep on.

Was only a few weeks ago she wasnt even wanting him to come to my house for a couple of hours through the day!! And complaining my food had stained his top.

We will get there im sure of it I just wish I could chat to her and try and get on her level a bit maybe understand her a bit better

Just wanted to say thank you to the ladies who replied last night I was getting myself in a right tizz I know.

Hardly got any sleep and when OH got up for work we chatted about my thoughts that had been going through my mind while I couldnt sleep. Ive decided If I can move the boys wardrobe and possible fit in the girls room or even my room we could fit a bed in would be a tight squeeze would have to move the toys elsewhere aswell, so hes agreed when kids are next at dads we will re arrange the room and hopefully his bed from grandmas will fit.

But what if she starts picking faults with something else? What then? Im more than happy to sit and listen to her concerns calmly rather than her ranting at OH or his mum or sending petty txts. Ive nothing to hide she can come inspect my house if she wants if it would make her feel more comfortable.

With the summer holidays about to start he thinks it would be nice to have him a bit more OH has some time off in a couple weeks and has already planned to take him out for day but hes hoping maybe do some other things aswell while he has the chance, would be great if he could sleep over. We all went on holiday together in Spring bank and he loved it bless him, im surprised she even allowed him to go tbh