Do narcissists notice/care when you go no contact?

[KingJoffreysBloodshotEye]

Have done so with SiL. It's been about a month.

Have had a few texts, all of which I've ignored and deleted.

Feeling MUCH better, less anxious, less stressed, etc.

However, I'm unsure if it's 'over'.

What's the usual procedure? Do they forget quickly and move on? Or do they not really give a shit anyway?

I think they do notice because they love the attention but not sure they care.

I am also NC will my narassistic SIL, feel like a weights been lifted!!

Try not to think too much about what she might be doing because she's still getting to you if you're thinking about her reaction. It probably goes against your instincts to actively ignore someone but the more you do it the easier it becomes!

I am also NC will my narassistic SIL, feel like a weights been lifted!!

Yes! It's incredible. I feel totally different.

I had no idea how badly she was affecting me. She took the bitchiness a step too far and I could no longer be arsed. She actually did me a massive favour!

I'm NC with my narc mother.

Have been for over ten years.

My db has been NC with her for about four.

About three years in for me, she randomly dropped of a bin bag of unwrapped Xmas toys off fir my dd at my dgm house. I actually called to say thank you. a weak moment when I said 'hi mum' she said 'who is it?'

She only has one daughter. The convo didn't go well.

She hasn't made any other attempt at contact with us.

In her mind, we will be bastards and it will be all our fault. I actually don't think she cares.

Well in my experience everything is about them so they'll use it against you.

Someone else will be hearing how hard done by they are because of your behaviour.

Four weeks for me.

I am NC with narc DM ( and yes, it wonderful and life changing)

You are only a month in so she may be expecting you to crack and answer her texts.

She might ramp it up and send you something abusive that is designed to hook and and make you feel you have to respond, but don't, just keep ignoring.

Another favourite is to send in the "flying monkeys" Other family members or close friends, to tell you how heart broken SIL is and how terribly badly you have treated her, or to tell you how you being NC is making their life so hard.

Finally, you may get my own DMs favourite ploy, which is the "Mysterious Illness". My DM, who is ferociously well, fit and healthy, has claimed to have cancer several times. Sometimes they claim depression, or just a vague list of mystery symptoms.

Just keep on ignoring!!

Interesting I've never heard the flying monkeys bit , lightbulb moment ! My mum does it !

I think it depends on the particular self-absorbed tyrant that you've been saddled with, joffrey. Some don't care when you quietly slip away. Some take it as a personal insult and challenge and do all they can to reel you back in.

oddly, both tactics can be hurtful. I thought that breaking contact and being left alone would be heaven, but there's still a residual sadness for what should have been a nicer relationship.

Finally, you may get my own DMs favourite ploy, which is the "Mysterious Illness". My DM, who is ferociously well, fit and healthy, has claimed to have cancer several times. Sometimes they claim depression, or just a vague list of mystery symptoms

^^^ this is my MIL! Declared it the second time at a family party. Wasn't true of course!

They don't give a shit about anything unless it directly affects them. A true narcissist neither cares nor notices other people in the normal course of events and the fact that you've not been in touch will have been put down to anything except themselves. Expect a lot more cheery texts etc They can be extraordinarily dense and thick-skinned.

Yes meerka I agree. I feel that sadness. Almost feel sorry fir her as she has NO family what so ever.

When I brought it up with my db, as I'd just had a new baby and maybe wanted to show her to DM , he calmly reminded me of our childhood right up to our thirties.

I decided to leave it. It makes me sad and guilty though.

I'm not the first person to 'ditch' her.

Her cousin has (think the same thing applied - SiL made one unpleasant comment too many), her best friend of 10+ years also has (he found out she'd been staying in his flat whilst he was away - he travelled a LOT with work and she had a key for 'emergencies') another of her long term friends has distanced herself recently and most other family members have dropped both SiL and MiL over a dispute about a will/money/funeral.

So she must be used to it by now.

MiL is a bit of a histrionic so I was worried I'd get a load of crap from her (she also gets 'ill' when things aren't going her way) but have heard nothing. She does actually 'get' how hard SiL is to get along with and is bullied by SiL herself quite a bit too.

Would be nice if I've got away with just slipping out of her life.

If you go NC they just think that it's another thing wrong with you as they are perfect. No insight or self reflection with that either.

no,
they either,

..don't think it's them...or it's your loss...

but one thing is for sure, one way or another they will "get you"..if you do try to resolve it...

there is no way you can talk/explain or try to rebuild a relationship with a true narcisst.

even with professional "help" it will fail...

because how can they be "helped/advised" when they truly believe it's the rest of the world who I out of sync with them!

I know, I had a son-in-law like that.

tormented me for years.

stay in your happy bubble, that's what I do now I have learned there is no way any relationship with that awful mentality can ever work.

stay strong, and yes, don't allow your thoughts to stray to sil, as she is still in your head.
(is sil dh's brother or what?)

Cogito's spot on. I went NC for 2 years and our narc acted like she hadn't noticed.

I'm not NC but very low contact with my father - I don't think he's noticed - it's easier for me as he doesn't live in this country so only have to see him once or twice a year at most

Re the comments made by lifeinabubble:-

"no,
they either,

..don't think it's them...or it's your loss...

but one thing is for sure, one way or another they will "get you"..if you do try to resolve it...

there is no way you can talk/explain or try to rebuild a relationship with a true narcisst.

even with professional "help" it will fail..."

This is precisely my own experience of them. It is not possible to have any sort of a relationship with a narcissist anyway.

I'm very low contact with both parents. They havent' said anything but I have had an increase in 'cheery texts' as described by Cogito. I do reply in a polite but detached way and I don't give them any details about my life and don't ask any questions about theirs.

I'm sure they have noticed but will most definitely be putting it down to me being a selfish bitch/spoiled brat/cold/ thoughtless blahblahblahblah. They would never ever think that it was because of their shitty behaviour.

DH tires to have very little contact with his parents and they've treid every trick in the book to get themselves back into his life...

Abuse, being 'heartbroken', illness, threats...

They cannot stand it and accuse DH of doing it to hurt them. But that is so not the reason. He just finds life better without them in it.

"They havent' said anything but I have had an increase in 'cheery texts' as described by Cogito. I do reply in a polite but detached way and I don't give them any details about my life and don't ask any questions about theirs".

Lottapianos,

I would suggest not replying at all to anything they send you because this behaviour is called hoovering. Its often a tactic used by such dysfunctional people to further maintain some sort of hold over their victims. Any acknowledgement can be seen by them as a "reward" so they will hassle you even more.

Hoovering is manipulation to gain control over your choice to distance yourself, and typically takes the following forms:

•Ignoring your requests to break off the relationship and attempting to continue on as if nothing has changed.
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•Asking you when you’re going to “get over it” and return to your past actions.
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•Sending you a fake apology to give you hope that things have changed.
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•Trying to trick you into contact by saying someone needs you, is sick, or in trouble.
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•Triangulating with others, communicating things to you through them.
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•Saying they’re worried about you, concerned about whether you’re okay, need to know where you are, etc.
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•Sending unwanted cards, messages and gifts, sometimes gifts for your children, as they know you are likely to feel guilty about keeping a gift from your kids. Don’t allow this – exposing your children to manipulation is far worse!
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•Returning old items you left behind.
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•Baiting you with drama games.
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•Contacting you about “important” things they “forgot” and suddenly have to tell you.

Attempts to pull you back into a toxic relationship are not valid expressions of caring and concern — they are attempts to regain control over your behaviour. Beware — hoovering attempts are often disguised as caring, loneliness, hurt, desperation, fear, illness, and other things designed to play on your sympathies and pull you back. Abusers know that pulling on heartstrings works very well. (In the case of BPD, it may be simply out-of-control emotions and fear of abandonment more than an attempt to control you per se; however you will likely still feel that you are not being allowed to end a relationship you no longer want).

'Attempts to pull you back into a toxic relationship are not valid expressions of caring and concern they are attempts to regain control over your behaviour.'

I completely agree Attila. Through psychotherapy, I'm coming to terms with the fact that they will not change, ever. I will never have the relationship that I would like to have with them. They are dangerous people and they cannot be trusted.

They did used to engage in a lot of the behaviours you have listed, especially triangulation and telling me how much they love and miss me. They have stopped doing this, probably since I stopped tolerating it. I don't feel ready for cutting contact completely - maybe i will one day, maybe I won't. I have stopped phoning them - ever - and I pretty much never intitiate text contact. I see them once a year if that. I feel ok with that level of contact and have no illusions about things getting 'better' between us.

I appreciate your concern. I always enjoy reading your posts on the Relationships board - you are very wise and give great advice.

Just looked up narcissistic personality disorder.

That was my father, to a bloody T. I've learned something useful today.

The very confusing thing about him was his ability to be really charming when there was something in it for him. He could sustain this for months.

Can narcissists help being narcissists? Do they have a choice? This is a genuine question.

Are they aware of what they are doing?
For example, is coming down with a Mystery illness a conscious lie, or some sort of psychological reaction and they are not aware they are following a script?

It's a very good question MehsMum. I'm no expert, but from what I've read, narcissists are created, not born that way. It tends to be a response to either being made to feel very important in childhood (centre of the universe) or very unimportant in childhood. With my parents, I would say it was the first scenario for my father and the second for my mother.

With professional support and a healthy dose of self-awareness, they could have been different, I'm sure. Neither of them have any self awareness though, and they think that everything is someone else's fault, never theirs, so it was a non-starter.

I'm glad you've found reading about NPD helpful

7Days, I don't think my father realised quite what a bastard he was. On the other hand, when he had his 'coronary', I think he was aware of making a huge song and dance out of something that wasn't really a heart attack. Similarly, he must often have realised when he went off the deep end that he was over-reacting: he would twig that a screaming fit wasn't going to have the desired effect and suddenly make a joke out of.

Lottapianos, interesting about their creation. I think my father was God's gift for the early part of his life and was then sent to boarding school. He had a lot of crap to deal with through his teenaged years and he dealt with it very, very badly: he seemed to think that because he had a shitty time, I had no right to complain about anything, even when the things I was complaining about were entirely avoidable.

I'm sorry both your parents are as they are. My mother was very sane and loving: she did not deserve my father.