please help me get a grip

[letitgoletitgoletitgo]

After being single for 2 and a half years i've started to think it may be nice to be involved with someone again.
My friend told me about an aquaintence of hers, who as well as being v good looking , also shares quite a bit in common with myself. Anyway so i messaged him on fb just to say he'd caught my eye (totally not the type of thing id do usually). To my pleasent suprise he replied the next day and asked if id like to go for breakfast! i was v nervous but we met and chatted loads, didnt feel awkward and since then weve met a further 3 times but no kiss! Im not shy but because 3 out of 4 times have been a quick day time meet there hasnt been an opportunity. Im also bit cautious as he mentioned hes having casual sex with other ppl at the mo n i dont know if that was a hint that hes not interested but he told me that on second occasion so why has he bothered meeting me since?? I suppose i know he jyst must not fancy me but im bit gutted as i really like him. I swore i wouldbt contact him until he messaged me - last spoke/saw each other Thu but i caved today n sent him a text asking how he is :/ . How do i stop being so needy / clingy/ desperate ?I dont want want to b alone forever :(

He's told you he's having casual sex with other people (plural?).

He's not interested in a relationship. That's not the kind of thing you tell someone you view as a potential near-future partner. Plus you're doing all of the contacting.

He's not that into you.

Delete his number and try and distract yourself when you get the urge to contact him.

Thank you canary, yes plural - well he said he'd had offers recently of no strings atratched sex that he had taken up - belive it or not he hhad a hicy (ew!) on his neck second time i met him! I half wondered if he mentioned it to me as he was aware i may have noticed. Ive just been confused as to why he would bother meeting again if he didn't like me - to just be polite? Lol . You are right tho realky need to distract myself as its a bit embarrassing.

Believe it or not he just text me!! Very friendly etc do i reply?

Could he actually be interested in being your friend and not your lover?

Yes Ive thought that, how do i find out without sounding like an utter fruit cake and scaring him off? If he wants to just be friends that would be nice as i really enjoy his company but if theres a chance it could go further id prefer that! Thank you for posting btw x

Suggest going out for dinner, or evening drink? If no snog after that then you have your answer.

Thanks plants n flowers - hes asked me out for lunch argh , which is nice but makes kissing opportunities v unlikely :( . Maybe he is doing so on purpose to keep it as friends - Ive considered broaching the subject but dont think theres a way to do it without sounding crazy

I sound like a school girl with her first crush im cringing at myself! Im a mum btw!

He's into casual relationships.

He does not sound like a keeper. As he told you about the casual sex do you think that is all he might want from you?

Well i just cant work out if he likes me at all, i would have thought if he wanted sex he would have been more forward and made a move but he always seems to prefer meeting in the day and tbh hasnt even paid me a compliment , apart from 'really enjoyed spending time with you today' . What is this?? Am i going to mess it up if i go for it n try kiss him?

You went on a date and he had a love bite?
Yeuk!
Have the lunch, broach the subject and see what he has to say.
Then you can decide that this guy is in fact a player and get away from him and find someone who is worthy of you!

He doesn't need sex from you, he has other people for that. I suspect he's keeping you in reserve for when there's a drought.

Another possibility is that as you've been introduced by a mutual friend he's reluctant to treat you like the other people he's seeing casually in case it damaged his reputation.

Someone who turns up for a lunch-date with someone he likes and is interested in would not have a bloody hickey on show!

Carry on having lunch with him if you like but in your position I wouldn't see this going any further than casual sex, if that.

Thank you so much for your wise words! Makes a lot of sense, what a shame ! As aside from the confusing messages hes really quite lovely. Hmm well maybe if i try go in for a kiss when i c him next then il finally know, n if it goes tits up i havent lost a right lot :s . Gosh i really do sound desperate - i am ha ha!

Yes you do sound desperate....

How is he quite lovely?

You say up thread that he's never paid you a compliment.
Doesn't sound that lovely to me!

Lol thanks for your bluntness cogito- i do need to hear it.
Hes lovely because convetsrsation is always good, he seems interested in what Im saying, asks questions etc. He seems like a very caring person, is hands on with his son (not met him but he has 50/50 care) , i was in an absive relationship before so have read red flags and something thst stood out is that he is good friends with all his ex's including sons mum - so made me think thats a good sign! Im thinkinh fuck it going to ask him what hes thinnking - say i obviously like him but am confused, if he wants to b friends cool but just would like to know where he is at? Is this ok do you think?

Hellsbells - true he hasnt called me beautiful or anything but i made him some lunch which he was very complimentary about haha!

He's telling you he's a sleaze. He's obviously a charmer but genuinely nice guys do not spend a date telling a woman that they're getting a lot of casual sex elsewhere. If you're that desperate for a shag that you're OK with being just another notch on his bedpost then please go in 'eyes open'. But if you're looking for love and romance, this man is not it.

Yes charmer sounds spot on thanks cog. So you reckon dont bother asking him?

I would say to cancel the lunch.
Tell him you aren't looking for casual sex so it's best you stop it now.
His response will be all you need to know.

You don't put your life in the hands of a good-looking charmer by asking him his intentions. He's already stringing you along, knowing you're interested and enjoying the attention. You have to be in control with this sort - a tiger by the tail. If you want him for sex, be direct about it. If you want romantic love, leave him alone. If you want him as a friend, make it clear that's what he is to you.

just a thought, but rather than having to play mind games and guess his intentions, would it not be possible to get some feedback from mutual acquaintance. That way you know where you stand without embarrassing self and can then make own decision based on what you are told. Tell your friend to be HONEST though and that you are all grown up and can cope with knowing either way, although in my heart telling a potential date you are having casual sex AND turning up with a hickey is biblical social ineptitude or his trying to send you a not very subtle message but either way you are back in the saddle and this could be the first of many frogs before you meet your Prince. Good luck and enjoy

Oh dear ok then.. How about being asserrtive about what i want, something like this: " Mr A, so its really rather lovely getting to know you and wonderful to have a new friend however i feel like i just need to say that ive been a little confused about things, Im sure its quite obvious i like you but have been hesitant to make a move as youve already explained youre quite in demand...so basically if you want to just carry on as we are thats great but if you have me on stand by for when.one of your current fuck buddies drops out, Im afraid Im not up for that" then smile sweetly :)

Jusdt walk away from this one. He'll string you along until he gets what he wants and will tell you anything you want to hear in order to get it.

You will lap the attention up because you don't get that very often and it nice to hear - BUT you will want more from this that he's even thinking about giving.

Do yourself a favour and walk away from this now. Block him from contacting you and delete his number so you are not tempted to contact him.

Work on your self esteem.