FWB. Should I? Could I? How?

[SingleSock]

I wasn't sure which board would be the best to post this so I hope this question is appropriate.

I've been separated from my EA STBXH for almost a year now. I'm really enjoying being single for the first time in my adult life and have no intentions of having another long term relationship for a very long time yet, if ever.

However, I really really miss sex. So I've been considering whether I should get a friend with benefits as it seems to offer the best of both worlds for me right now. I don't really enjoy one night stands so would rather be with someone I can trust without the strings of a proper relationship.

The thing is, I don't have anyone in particular in mind. Is this even the sort of thing you actively seek out or more a thing that happens naturally? How would I even go about finding someone? Is anyone in an arrangement like this and how does it work for you? TIA.

If you don't enjoy ONS you will probably not enjoy FWB. They may appear different but they both require a large amount of conscious emotional detachment or someone is going to get hurt. Trust and FWB do not necessarily go together either. Because you are just FWB and not 'in a relationship' in the traditional sense you have to accept that you may be just one of many, and not everyone is comfortable with that idea.

I've had FWB but prefer serial dating in the old-fashioned sense. Forget LTR and ideas like moving in together but simply enjoy a series of people for a few weeks or months at a time. Keep it light and non-committal.

Just be careful you get a single man & not a straying MM. Don't know how you get to meet him though. Good luck in your quest.

not now but last year i had a FWB i met him on a dating site and mutually both of us decided we didnt want a commited monogamous relationship (though i wasnt sleeping with anyone else at the time) the way ours worked out was he would come to my place or me to his once a week we would share a bottle of wine, listen to musice, watch a film have a laugh good conversation . go to bed and have amazing sex and then at the end of the night he would go home if at mine or i would stay overnight if at his, you have to be clear though you have no rights to the FWB other time away from you and there is no long term emotional commitment to each otherso you cant call them your BF or say things like love you

but if you are in a place where you just want some fun with a percon you get on with and regular sex then FWB can work, as it happens since last year my FWB met someone long term and has just married her and i am now seeing someone in a commited relationship so no harm done emotionally either way

My FWB and I have been together for 20 years!

FWB don't often stay that with one party getting emotionally involved and that's hard if the other still wants to just be FWB, rejection in a major way.

Thanks for the replies.

I think the reason I don't enjoy one night stands is because the sex is generally crap but if it happens more than once, you can get to know how each other enjoy it? To be honest, I'm very busy at the moment so I'm not even bothered about making it a whole evening spent together. I envision him just visiting for sex and him then leaving. Having never done this before, I'm not sure how it usually works so it's helpful to hear how others manage their arrangements.

I guess there is always the worry that emotions will come into it, but having never done it, I don't know how I will feel about that. The place I'm in right now, I think I would end it if I started to develop feelings.

The other worries I have is about it all being a bit awkward in the beginning. Is that something others have experienced or was it ok because you were both clear from the outset what was expected?

Forgot to add, I absolutely wouldn't get with an attached man. My worry is that I wouldn't know but this is partly why I just don't want the hassle of a relationship.

Everyone's an individual so experiences are difficult to replicate. What I would caution, however, is that ideas such as 'clear from the outset' and 'end it if I started to develop feelings' sound a doddle in the cold light of day but things are rarely that simple.

"the hassle of a relationship."

Relationships, whether casual or something that's meant to be more permanent, are only as much hassle as you're prepared to tolerate. If we're in the world of TLAs (Three Letter Acronyms) IME a FWB can end up being a P(i)TA just as much as a LTR. Without the usual hire and fire rules of a traditional set-up, some FWBs are tough to shake. You have to be able to walk away without a backward glance rather than waste time on either format.

I have a FWB, I actually prefer if I'm the one leaving as it can feel a bit like a business transaction if they leap up and take off straight away. I met him at a gig. He was clear there would be no 'dates' from the start, but we do chat and have a cup of tea between rounds .

I've been in a similar situation once and met a fwb type on a dating site. It was great at first but it did get harder and harder to keep it just about sex.

From what I've heard from others if you want to keep it as a fwb situation is not to keep the same partner for too long.

I've just had a quick look at the casual dating websites and they appear a bit cringey . Men with names like 'HugelyHung' and pouty photos which isn't me at all. I'm also a bit reluctant to put my image on a dating website but accept that you have to to get replies. Hmm, this isn't going to be easy is it?

I think the trick is to find someone you quite like but definitely wouldn't want a relationship with if you were paid a million pounds.

I found one sort of by accident, well, I wasn't looking for one. A man at work (different site) was very flirty and I enjoyed the attention. We flirted by instant messager through the firm's intranet for months (BAD IDEA BY THE WAY. WE DIDN'T GET FOUND OUT BUT WAS STUPID). Then met at a colleagues party. Then he just sort of phoned me up and offered to 'come round' in a way that made it pretty clear, and that was that.

He's a nice (ish) guy, was a bit of a player at that point, talked a load of bullshit at times, never took him seriously. He was also a good friend when I went through a bad patch with something and needed someone to talk to and advise me. He was good company for an hour or two. But he was quite irritating in anything but small doses - thinks he's very funny (he isn't), not too smart in some ways, and very full of himself, so never felt any appeal towards him as anything other than FWB. Fab sex!

You don't have to put pictures on a casual site - or not head shots anyway! You will get messages regardless.

Warning - I met someone on an NSA site once and we ended up dating for a year!

I've signed up with POF. And feel a bit overwhelmed tbh. I haven't put a photo up. I don't really know what I should be doing? Messaging guys I like the look of and/or someone who comes across as a decent guy?

I also feel a bit mean on the guys I don't like the look of. It feels a bit mean to judge someone purely on looks but then I'd like to feel attracted to them if it's just about sex and not a relationship .

Hmm, perhaps I'm not ready for this after all. I just want skip the looking bit and be in the it's working well bit .

Ok, so I've been messaging a guy. I've been upfront about what I want but he keeps pushing the sex talk which I find incredibly cringey. I'd rather just do all that face to face. Is this par for the course or should I tell him to STFU? I'm not particularly good at chatting online - it feels so artificial and forced. Do you get used to this eventually?

If you don't like it, you've got a choice. Some people will like naughty online talk. Some won't. Completely up to you. Suggest he puts up or shuts up, or just find another one! Good luck btw.

If someone is pushing the sex talk I'd guess that they are on there to do precisely that. Could be they are attached, or just like the flirting stuff without ever meeting up. If they were keen on meeting and you've been suggesting it then they would be leaping at the chance.

We are arranging to meet up but our schedules are clashing at the moment. He's messaging me quite a lot but is asking things like 'so what are you going to do to me'. I've just replied, 'have sex with you. Duh!'. I don't exactly want to plan how we will have sex, I'd rather it just happen iyswim? Although he seems ok with the fact I'd like to meet him first and see if we gel before we do anything.

I do feel a bit bad for him. I find it a bit awkward talking online - the clichéd questions, the endless typing of 'lol' to denote humour as it's hard to translate in words without having ever met. I've told him I don't like sex talk but I'm not actually interested in finding out more about him other than the basics because I'm not evaluating him for anything other than sex. So he has a limited range of suitable discussion topics but presumably wants me to know he is keen to go ahead else I might find someone in the meantime.

Perhaps I'm overthinking this!

OK, well it doesn't sound too full on. For some people it would all be part of the anticipation. And, as you say, you are meeting up for sex so small talk isn't exactly easy...

I don't think you're overthinking things but ultimately, if all you're in the market for is a knob, you will get approached by knobs... QED. Lots of cringeworthy attempts at cybersex, ego the size of Manhattan, zero personality, and probably (with names like HugelyHung) crap in the sack.

I tried it with a guy at work.
After the 2nd time I knew it was not me at all.
I'm a loyal relationship type of girl.
I really enjoyed being single.
No ONS but lots of snogging.
You might surprise yourself when it comes to actually putting the arrangement in place.
It all looks good 'on paper' but the reality is different.
But then we are all different and want different things.

It looks like this one might be a non starter anyway as our schedules are wildly different.

I do wonder how I will feel about it once it's happened but I guess there's no way to find out without trying it.

I have thought about just conventional dating whilst making it clear I don't want anything serious but I don't even really have time for that and I'd probably fall for someone which I really don't want to do.

Not sure what my options are really. I definitely don't want to be with anybody for at least 5 years but don't want to be without sex for that long either...

He's messaging me quite a lot but is asking things like 'so what are you going to do to me'.

That's not FWB - that's FB Very different set ups IMO

I have a FWB, met online when initially thought I was looking for long-term but turned out I wasn't ready and he was a little too keen so I balked and ended it. We kept in touch and went out for occasional coffees, walks etc and then decided to go for a FWB arrangement. Now I guess this could be a different scenario depending on your needs/wants/time available etc but what works for us is friends first and foremost so we have each other to do matey things like go to cinema, walk, lunch/coffee now and then, dinner out occasionally, someone to chat to of an evening and then, if we fancy it, a smashing shag We decided some ground rules in that we wouldn't have sex with anyone else (consideration for health the main factor there), neither of us would get narked if one or the other of us didn't want to see each other at any given time and not have to feel guilty if we didn't see each other for a few weeks (we both have DC and other hobbies and commitments) and finally, should either of us find it's not working at any point, we end things without drama (of course that's the one that has yet to be trialled!)

This works for us both at the moment ... no hassle, no weirdy worrying about contact/number of texts etc. I realise that I'm lucky and it's all kind of fallen into place with someone I like, trust and who wants no more and no less than me so I guess it's about finding that balance, someone on the same page.

Good luck in whatever type of scenario you wish to go for, for me fuck buddies didn't appeal but I can see benefits in both arrangements

Thanks sassy. I hadn't thought about there being any difference between FWB and FB but now you've explained it, I can see there is. So I guess I'm looking for a FB .

Hee hee - you have fun now but stay safe I'm such a mum ...

I have a mate who has a FB who she actively hates but he is a fine swordsman by all accounts!