NC with parents, how do you cope with others' assumptions?

[AppleWomble]

Have name-changed for this. I'd really appreciate some practical advice.

I have zero contact with my parents or any of my family of origin due to abuse, toxicity and dysfunction. This isn't an ideal situation but it's the best I can do with the hand I was dealt.

One thing I struggle with, though, is the way some people assume everyone has a family, that everyone's parents are either in their life or dead. Sometimes people ask innocent questions or make passing comments that really upset me. And because it IS the norm, people don't think to avoid it - so I need to work out what to say.

If I simply say that my parents aren't in my life, people sometimes ask really ill-considered but well-meaning questions, or try to offer advice, or otherwise put their feet in it. But if I tell the truth, it would make people feel uncomfortable and shamed when they haven't meant any harm, and to be honest it's nobody else's business.

I've noticed that people from nice families don't seem to consider abuse as a possible reason. They assume my parents are normal, functional people and I've just had some kind of disagreement with them. Once it came up that I didn't have contact with them, and the person I was talking to started telling me they would die one day and didn't I want to make it right.

You might say: stop talking about it. But it comes up so often in the course of normal life. I try to avoid talking about it, but sometimes that's not possible. And I find it hard because a lot of people tend to assume everyone else has a family, rather than waiting to find out what the situation actually is. Any suggestions?

I used to say 'we don't see them. It's a long story and it's complicated.'
If anyone persisted I would say 'you know, I really don't want to talk about it'

I found it fairly straightforward after I stopped caring what other people thought.
I realised if they liked me they didn't care. If they din't like me then they would believe what they wanted anyw, regardless of what I said.

I agree with Pagwatch about having a stock answer. My DM had a good tactic. If someone asked her what her (abusive and NC) mother was like, she'd respond ... 'like Myra Hindley' and fix them with a look. Perhaps you could abbreviate yours to a more recent example of appalling parents? Rose and Fred West spring to mind.

"I don't have anything to do with them"- it implies they're alive, so no "oh sorry to hear that". In the right tone you'll shut down any well meaning discussion (assuming participants aren't complete idiots), too. I certainly wouldn't keep asking questions if someone said that, anyway.

Using a mass child murderer as an analogy just seems odd to me to say the least unless your mother rakky is a mass child killer.

I am NC with my alcoholic father but do have contact with my mum so not so difficult to deal with as you. However I agree a stock answer that puts most people off with a follow up reply to the tenacious nosey parkers. I normally say I don't have anything to do with my father and most people stop there. If it goes further I just say its a long story and change the topic. I have never had the 'what if they die' scenario other than fron my brother to whom i said i have done my grieving and being in contact so you feel better when someone dies is not a good basis of an othetwise shit relationship. The DCs occassionally ask and I just say not everyone has a nice daddy.

I meant really not rakky. Autocorrect gone mad.

My late grandmother actually did deliberately kill one of her children as well as being generally abusive/violent so it's not so far-fetched ...

Now I'm older I find this question comes up less. I went NC with my abusive Dad when I was 19, and at that age I just used to pretend he was dead. It made it easier for me. Then as I got older I just used to say I don't have parents. It tended to shut down the conversations, if anyone persisted I'd just say it was a long story.

I've actually said that my grandmother is a vicious two faced bitch from hell...of course it does stop the conversation dead at that point.

You could say "I am not in contact with my parents for pretty much the same reasons you would not be in contact with someone who knocked you down in a car then ran over you deliberately several times."

I have also said "it is not possible to have a relationship with some people; just because I am related to them does not turn them into decent human beings"

I've never had the "what if they die" line but I feel my grandmother was massively improved by death and it certainly made family life easier.

My dh says 'aussiebeans mums a bit so we don't have anything to do with her'

I will say the same thing. 'My mums a bitch'

That is the fastest way I have found and I don't get the commentry that I used to get from people who have loving parents and can't conceive a mother would be abusive.

It may seem abrupt and rude but these are not people that matter to me.

Not a direct answer to your question, but one thing I have noticed as a. I have got older and b. a surprising amount of times when a new person moves from 'acquaintance' to 'friend' is how COMMON it is for people to have issues with blood family - ranging from dislike to full on no contact.

It's not such a massively rare thing, to be no contact with one or more family members.

Interesting thread OP as I find that this issue virtually never comes up for me. I do find it hurtful when people talk fondly about their parents, family celebrations, Xmas etc and I find Mothers Day especially painful but I keep all that to myself. On the rare occasion that someone has asked about my parents, I have just said that I'm not in touch with them very often. If they ask another question, I just say that things are very difficult or something like that and then try to move the conversation on.

I understand how hurtful it is. It's horrid, especially when it feels like everyone else has loving parents who they enjoy spending time with. Bruno is right though - there are lots of family issues around, some of them fairly trivial, some desperately painful. So you are not alone in your situation, always remember that

I find it hard too. People with "normal" families just look blankly at you all bemused and I have had that line of oh but shes your mum what if they die etc etc it drives me insane. I still never know how to respond without going into the whole long and painful history.

Worst thing is my dcs dont really have grandparents and i dont have the help as a single parent that so many people do from their families and it makes me ache and
Feel so alone.

Its hard but as someone said family issues arent as rare as u think its just there is so much pain involved so people hold the pain inside as u cant relate to normal people so best to not speak of it

But its hard to not have what everyone else seems to

Thank you for all your responses. I do find people kind of look a bit blank or they ask well meaning questions that just make me feel worse. There's a lot of just-sucking-it-up involved.

Thanks for the reminder that I'm not alone, that's appreciated.

I think I worry a lot (too much?) about making other people uncomfortable. If I say something like, well, my parents were unable to look after me properly, people often don't know what to say. Those who matter do get it, it's just hard when it comes up with acquaintances, people you meet in the course of life, etc.

I am NC with my toxic mother and my close friends all know what she is like and understand why.

If it comes up with new friends I just say I have no contact with her. If they ask why, I say "because she is a horrible person."

I agree with PP that it seems to be increasingly common and I know lots of people who are NC with various close family members.

The only person who has a problem with it is enmeshed SIL who cannot get past the fact that her own, perfectly nice DM is dead, and so anyone who has a surviving DM should cherish them, even if they are a narcissistic abusive bitch from hell.

Some people will never get it OP, painful as that is. I think the best way through is to avoid the topic or try to change the conversation if you can. If people are extra pushy, I think there is absolutely nothing wrong with being quite firm and saying you don't want to talk about it. You have to take care of yourself and protect yourself from other people's potentially upsetting comments.

I have a good friend who used to get it (I think) but since she became a parent herself 2 years ago, I get the feeling she really doesn't anymore. If we do talk about my family situation, I feel I get nothing much back from her, whereas before she would empathise very openly about how awful my family are. It doesn't feel good and I'm feeling quite resentful of her so I've decided to cut back on how often I see her for a while. Hopefully I will be feeling stronger soon and it won't matter so much. Its bloody hard, all this stuff!

A stock answer helps, yeah.

The main answer I came up with to the 'what happens if he dies' thing a while ago is that 'I wouldn't mind being closer contact but he doesn't want it. What did you think about the England v XXXX game?". That makes it very clear that there's nothing you can do and the (rather rude imo) questioner shuts up.

That question really annoys me actually. What business is it of theirs if your parent dies? Their assumptions that everything can be made alright are just that, assumptions, and bloody wrong at that. Perhaps I'm being oversensitive here but there usually seems to be a view that if only you make enough effort everythign can be ok. Not far from victim blaming.

Tbh I do find it isolating when you're around people who seem to genuinely have very comfy family relationships. Family's a big part of life and you're in a different place from most people when you've had to fight hard to establish your independence and own adult life at the expense of almost all contact with family except maybe one decent person.

I have this issue and I find people can be v judgmental when my situation comes to light. I have been NC with my parents for about a year, and was v low contact prior that for about five years. They are narcissists, toxic and I cannot believe I am related to them. They decided to stop talking to both my sister and me, we were always, in their eyes, upsetting them somehow, even though we are just 'normal' daughters, who have never caused them any problems, my friends know them and can't understand why they are like it, they say my sister and I are 'model' daughters who any other parents would be proud of. They also don't have a relationship with my lovely 90 year old gran, my aunt or my nephews. But of course any issues in their lives are always everyone else's fault.

Its all deeply upsetting but I have accepted that I can't change them and sadly, due to their bad behaviour I don't think I love them anymore.

However, despite all of this, I cannot tell you how much I would love to have a relationship with my parents, which makes it even more frustrating when people say "ah you should make up, you never know one of you might get hit by a bus and it'll be too late". Despite my sadness about their treatment of me, I would have a relationship with them again in a heartbeat, despite them both being utterly toxic! It's they who don't want to know about me.

Interesting thread. I went NC with my entire family about 8 years ago (it wasn't overnight though - it was a very messy business and took about two years of shouting, pain and misery. Have others found the same?).

My son's father vanished two years after breaking contact with my family too (that messy two years). So I feel doubly crap when people ask about family or son's dad. I sound like a right headcase presumably? To have lost one member of a family is understandable...but to have lost 6 plus rafts of cousins, AND a a disappearing husband is just nuts?!

I find it very hard - I just say 'I'm not in contact with my family' and 'ds's dad did a runner when he was a baby'. But usually both things crop up at the same time.

Yummy I too am a lone parent. I can't stand the big family get-togethers everyone else has. Big 'family' barbecues, and sleepovers with 'grandparents so hubby and I can have a break'. [green]

I also find that actually, people are very very un-enterprising and unhelpful. They don't want to get involved somehow, or offer a helping hand. Presumably because they are so nice and functional they assume that someone as apparently family-less and husband-less as me, might be dangerous and spread some of my viral bad luck.

Fuck em I say.

Thanks everyone. It helps to be understood.

I do worry that people think I must be the problem / the cause of the issues.

That's what I worry about too apple

Apple and Nolm, some people may do. Some people are hugely invested in the idea that all parents love and want the best for their children, that family is everything and that you must honour your parents no matter what. However, you know the truth - that this is not always the case. You know that your experience is real.

I share other people's sadness and isolation when hearing about other people's family parties and get together. I find Xmas and Mothers Day especially hard.Its so painful and I often feel very jealous. But I try to remind myself that everyone has their own issues and what looks good from the outside may not be so in reality.

I will admit I sort of cheat on this one. Where I live family is a VERY big deal and admitting estrangement is like revealing you actually have two heads.

"So what does your mum/dad do ?"

"It's just me now"

"Oh! I'm so sorry!"

"Not at all, oh look at that daft pigeon...

Yes they assume I mean dead. But I never said that, and it is true. It's just me now.

I don't owe the world full disclosure re the details of my life. And most people would rather not hear the gory details as an unexpected byproduct of just making conversation.

So..I don't feel at all bad about it.

Just say "They're not in my life and I don't want to talk about it".

It's ambiguous, and you immediately say that you don't want to discuss it.

If they ask a question anyway, just reply by changing the subject.