NC with parents, how do you cope with others' assumptions?

[AppleWomble]

Have name-changed for this. I'd really appreciate some practical advice.

I have zero contact with my parents or any of my family of origin due to abuse, toxicity and dysfunction. This isn't an ideal situation but it's the best I can do with the hand I was dealt.

One thing I struggle with, though, is the way some people assume everyone has a family, that everyone's parents are either in their life or dead. Sometimes people ask innocent questions or make passing comments that really upset me. And because it IS the norm, people don't think to avoid it - so I need to work out what to say.

If I simply say that my parents aren't in my life, people sometimes ask really ill-considered but well-meaning questions, or try to offer advice, or otherwise put their feet in it. But if I tell the truth, it would make people feel uncomfortable and shamed when they haven't meant any harm, and to be honest it's nobody else's business.

I've noticed that people from nice families don't seem to consider abuse as a possible reason. They assume my parents are normal, functional people and I've just had some kind of disagreement with them. Once it came up that I didn't have contact with them, and the person I was talking to started telling me they would die one day and didn't I want to make it right.

You might say: stop talking about it. But it comes up so often in the course of normal life. I try to avoid talking about it, but sometimes that's not possible. And I find it hard because a lot of people tend to assume everyone else has a family, rather than waiting to find out what the situation actually is. Any suggestions?

I think that's a good tactic Mammuzza

The thing I got pretty often when it all kicked off with the MIL was:

"Don't you feel you're depriving your DD of a relationship with her grandmother?"

to which more often than not I would reply "er....... no, I'm saving her from a relationship with her grandmother"

It was doubly harsh of them to say it, as it was only a couple of years since my mum had died and so it was as if I was robbing her of any type of female grandparent (except of course for her lovely great grandma, and both granddads have new partners now).

To be honest, all our true friends know the details and completely understand, the people who question these days tend to be flying monkeys sent by MIL (who is now, despite what she may say to others, in contact with DH on a regular basis) so we just ignore them.

I'm STILL getting this and he's been dead for a year! "Do you go to the cemetery?", "oh you must miss him?", etc etc. No I bloody don't as I am finally free of his abuse thanks very much and happy at last.

I don't think anyone with a 'normal' family could ever really understand.

Isn't it interesting that we see 'the majority' as having had a 'normal' family. Is there any such thing?

It definitely comes up less the older I get. I've had previous periods of NC with my dad and have had no contact at all with him for over a year and don't intend to again.

If asked I say 'he's not in my life anymore'. If pushed, which doesn't happen often I say that it's not pleasant conversation for them and especially not for me. On the rare occasion I've been asked 'what if he dies', I reply truthfully 'well, weighing up how I'd feel if he died was a big part of my decision and something I thought about for a long time. Followed by a rapid conversation change on my part. If people are that pushy after several clear cues that you don't want to go into it, then you can't worry about making them feel uncomfortable (with the truth) to back them off. So I think it's ok to say 's/he was incredibly abusive and even as an adult made my life miserable'. Or in my case 'he's currently awaiting trial for historical sexual offences against young children'. They don't ask (or say) much after that!

I'm low contact with my mum too, who I think of as enabling and also abusive.

My partner's family (have their own quirks and issues) but are generally really loving and supportive. I appreciate them a lot. And I'm determined to make sure my children always feel loved, valued, cherished and supported.

With regards to the what if he dies comment (ref my dad) I respond with "I hope it's painful, long and he's bloody alone" (which I absolutely mean) that normally stops the conversation going any further than that. The one person that still carried on, got a further comment of he's been a bastard all his life, he'd want me there so he could apologise, he isn't getting the forgiveness he wants.