Im fucking miserable

[HadEnoughCantCope]

I know i need to end this relationship. Ive had enough of the insults and nastiness, ive had enough of being made to feel worthless. Ive had enough of sitting crying because he's a fucking nasty bully.

So why cant i end it? Scared that i may regret it i suppose. But im miserable. I don't want to give too many details as im afraid he may read this (he knows im on MN, and even though ive name changed he would know its me) im sick of the empty apologies aswell. Ive heard the words sorry so many times they have lost all meaning.

I'm only posting here to get my feelings off my chest, too embarrassed to tell friends or family about the verbal abuse i put up with.

He makes all the right noises but nothing changes. He's worn me down to the point where i don't think i even like him anymore

What will you regret if you leave?

I don't know, maybe that i should have waited to see if he could change? But the last couple of years its just escalated and got worse

You know the answer. He hasnt changed. You have given him chances to, it seems.

Have you spoken to anyone in RL about this? Sounds like you need some support to gather your strength and face things.

You will regret something if you leave (or make him leave). That's a realistic prediction. You won't regret leaving behind the verbal abuse and the lies and false promises but - given that abusive men are never 100% bad - there will be things you miss in spite of everything. There are other downsides to ending a relationship... upheaval, lower income, fear of loneliness. It's a question of judgement.

One thing you can fix is to stop being embarrassed to talk to friends or family. There is no obligation on you to keep his nasty secret. If you are worried that someone will say 'we told you so'... maybe if you've defended his behaviour in the past?... then do find the courage to tell the truth and take the risk. It's very liberating.

I haven't spoke to anyone in real life, i don't want people feeling sorry for me i suppose. He's one of those abusive motherfuckers that to anyone in the outside world he's a Nice Guy. Behind closed doors he's an arsehole. Says nobody makes him as angry as i do. And my 'crime'? Being too lazy for his liking

You think everyone really believes he's Mr Nice Guy? I have crisp tenner here that says, if you tell someone the truth, you get a response along the lines of 'never knew what you saw in him'...

You're not making him angry, of course. He's choosing to be angry towards you as a way of intimidating you into sticking around. How would you feel about talking to someone like Womens Aid 0808 2000 247 and exploring a few options? Forming an exit plan might be the nudge you need from wishing it to doing it

You need to confide in rl friends. They will support you as you shed this dead weight. Your life will only improve with him gone. Maybe you will mourn his loss for a short time but thats better than crying often for years. He sounds awful. Do it. Imagine how free you will feel. I shed my dead weight over 20 years ago, guess what? He hasn't changed. I have. Life has been fine without him. Good luck op.

These 'big' men that are nice as pie to everyone but the woman they are supposed to love! Arseholes.

Is there even one person you could confide in? Please think about it. You have nothing to feel ashamed of and a good friend wont 'feel sorry for' (ie.pity) you. They will want to help you.

the last couple of years its just escalated and got worse

That is why you can't lose any more time wishing and hoping. A bully doesn't need to play on our existing insecurities, s/he invents new ones so never runs out of fresh weapons.

too embarrassed to tell friends or family about the verbal abuse i put up with

They may already guess things aren't great between you. Or think what a shame HadEnough has lost her bounce or hasn't laughed in ages.

Anyway imagine the look of outrage on his face,
" You're dumping me ?"
Start looking at the next chapter.

Just one thing to add to what the lovely ladies up there have saide - the shame is his, not yours, as you've done nothing wrong.

It's difficult to brave up to something so major completely on your own. Get your friends/family support first, or better still - if you can - get professional help (counselling or Women's Aid) to support you through this. Splitting up isn't easy and was never meant to be. Separating from a bully - even more so! It's ok to ask for help.

I worry how i will cope on my own, we have 2 children, i drive but have no car (use his) i stay at home, he works. So id have no money, no car and we live quite rural so would feel stuck. When i had my own car it felt like i had something some security so id be ok if we split, does that make sense? I had independence and didn't have to rely on him.

I don't want to leave myself stuck, i feel like I'm in a vulnerable position :( and i fucking am.

If the practical and financial issues are what is keeping you there, see a solicitor and start making an exit plan.

There's no point seeing a solicitor, we aren't married, the house is a council house in my name, there's not much a solicitor could do really :(

I keep saying to myself, the next time he shouts in my face or calls me names that's it, he's gone, ive even told him numerous times that the next time it happens he's gone, i get all the apologies and the promises that he wont do it again, only last Sunday he told me that he had made a promise to himself that he would appreciate me more and treat me better, 7 days later he's shouting in my face and telling me im a waste of space, a lazy cunt and that i provoke him. I didn't do anything to provoke him.

Are you married?

Definitely see a solicitor. There is nothing more stressful than feeling trapped in an unhappy relationship. Money/transport/accommodation are all legitimate concerns but, as a DW with DCs rather than a mere DP, you have quite a lot of rights and there is quite a lot of help available. You are probably not as hamstrung as you seem to believe but you are going to need practical advice to steer you through this.

Sorry didn't realise you were just a DP. Means you don't have an automatic claim to any of his property but your DCs would still qualify for maintenance in the event of a split and, as a woman with children, you'd get quite high priority for rehousing.

Oh x-posted. First don't let him make you feel isolated. Start talking to trustworthy friends and family.

Can you speak to CAB to find out what your financial position would be post split? Might not be as scary as you think. At least it would give you a starting point.

The good thing is that you can just tell him to go if it's in your name but you might want backup when you do so start by talking to arelative or friend.

I don't want to move, i love this house and the area i live in. But its pretty much middle of nowhere, buses aren't reliable, and id have no car.

He's now offering to get help with anger issues.

You have already realised, the longer you stay, the harder it gets.Theolderyour DCs are, the more a bad atmosphere affects them, the less confident you feel about starting afresh.

You can get a lot of useful information free from Citizens' Advice.

Are you working outside the home?

Contact CAB to see what you would be entitled if he left the house.
It's in your name so you need to get him out.
The CAB can help with all sorts of things so give them a call.

Then contact Womens Aid. You've been in an abusive relationship for years now and will need some support. They can help you.

You know you need to do this. Your DC are hearing this is how a man treats a woman and that a woman accepts this treatment.
They will go on to have the same relationship as it's what they know.
Teach them now, that's it not acceptable and that you can walk away.

Get some RL support in family and friends and get him away from you.

If the house is in your name you can ask him to leave, surely? 'Offering to get help with anger issues' sounds like another empty promise. Does he get irrationally angry with other people? Does he abuse strangers or people he works with? Or is it just you he saves his crappy behaviour for? If it's the latter chances are he doesn't have 'anger issues' at all, he's just a bully choosing to be aggressive. Ten a penny they are.

Tell him to leave and work on his 'anger issues' in his own time. You and the DCs deserve some peace

Is he angry with anyone else?
Work colleagues?
Family?
Friends?
If he isn't then he doesn't have anger issues he has abuser issues.
That's a whole different ball game from anger management.

He would need to get on a DV program and would need a lot of time and effort to get anywhere close to changing.
Something like 70% of abusers that do these courses don't change.
Do you want to take the chance your OH is 30%?
And on these programs you shouldn't actually live together anyway. The abuser should not live with his victim while he's trying to sort himself out. So either way he's got to go!

Get him out and get yourself a much happier calmer life where you aren't walking on eggshells every day of the week.
You can be happy alone - much happier.
Grab life now and stop putting up with this nasty, abusive, vile little man!

Ive heard the words sorry so many times they have lost all meaning.

So now he's saying he's going to get his anger issues sorted and you believe him. Okaaay.