after 30 years, it's over

[tisnotme]

well that's it really. I've been treated badly, nothing violent or anything but the silent treatment of 18 months or so I just can't take any more. Tonight, in a restaurant, he sat with his back to me all night - people noticed. There's lots more of course but I'm just tired of it, I am a nice, kind, uncomplicated sort of person. Why would he do this?

he sat with his back to me all night
if that's his attitude then you will feel relieved it's over

he does it because he can

stand up for yourself!

I told my ex - "would you behave as you do if I was your work colleague? - if the answer is no, then I am not having it!"

Get some legal advice and end your contact with him. I won't say 'relationship' because its not one. He's a cruel, disrespectful tosser.

There's a life waiting for you - seize the chance and break free from him.

Keep posting on here - the good people of MN will support you through the whole process.

Well done on taking that decision.

Have you told him?

I'm sorry that you are going to be going through this.

On the upside, it does sound like you will be free of one absolute twat.

Who sits with their back to someone at a restaurant?????

Fucking tossers, that's who.

Do you suspect OW, or do you think it's just that it's broken down of it's own accord?

thank you for your replies.

Yes I've told him I want to sit down this week and look at finances and that it's clearly over. We've been here before, he always promises to try harder at the relationship but in reality I am nothing to him - except someone who keeps house etc.

He can't communicate with me, touch me - I really have had enough, I think I deserve better I really do. It's so hard typing this. He got up this morning and has gone off to do his hobby. Who does that the morning after a conversation like that?

I don't suspect anyone else. I am very grateful for any support.

His behaviour is extraordinary. It's either complete contempt assuming that you will still be around even if he treats you like shit.... or it's a way of forcing your hand into ending the marriage, thus saving him the bother.

Have you seen a solicitor yet? Suggest you do that before you start sorting out finances. Make sure you're agreeing to something fair.

Or, complete denial that you will actually do it

Right, while he's out, start getting important paperwork together and, preferably out of the house.

Then make an appointment with a solicitor

When you do site down, you an be armed wth all the facts

Good luck. He sounds like an utter arse

Oh I thought I had posted but it's not appeared. I have been lurking a while and reading some really tragic stories on here so feel a bit of a fraud.

Would I really need a solicitor if he is going to be fair and reasonable, which I think he would? Looked at some paperwork, there is just so much of it I don't know where to start. I am dying on the inside.

Thanks for your responses, I feel just a little bit less alone.

and yes I think you are right that he is forcing my hand.

The first visit to a solicitor is usually to confirm what you'd be entitled to. After thirty years that would be half of everything including pension. Gathering the paperwork is to ensure you know where any money/investments/etcetera are, so you don't get shortchanged if he offers you less or pretends there's less than there is. Or hides/moves funds.

If it's amicable the financial could be done and dusted within weeks.

Have you thought about what you're going to do about accommodation?

It doesn't sound like he's been fair and reasonable in your marriage tis

No reason to think he'll start now

Even divorces that start out amicable often end in rancour. Get yourself armed, just in case eh?

Echoing the above, you need a solicitor to simply lay out to you what is fair and conventional. It's just so that you have some parameters to work to when - as you say - you don't know where to start. I would hope he is fair and reasonable but money does funny things to people and divorces are quite emotional even when they go relatively smoothly. If half an hour with a solicitor gives you some pointers than it's worth it. Hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.

No, you need legal advice now before you even discuss it.

You need to know what you are entitled to, and to be told by someone who is objective and legally required to tell you the truth.

Considering the level of contempt that he clearly has for you, why on earth do you think he would be reasonable and fair???

Even in the most amicable splits both parties should seek separate legal advice. To do anything else is insane.

He's too lazy to organise a split himself, so has treated you shabbily until you've been left with no option but to instigate one.

Speak to a solicitor.

You need legal advice.

If you are ending the marriage (or even agreeding to ending the marriage!!), it's very difficult for one spouse to 'gift' the other 50%.

You don't need a lawyer to take you through the whole process, but sitting down with one, will know exactly what needs to be considered (property, how you will live post-divorce, wills, pensions etc). It is worth taking an hour or two with one so you know what your starting point is. This is what they do everyday.

This is what I intended to do, until my husband generously agreed everything in my absence and signed the paperwork on my behalf.

So yes, it is worth talking to a lawyer first, and then gauging his reaction to your actually negotiating this together, knowing that as soon as he starts to want to leave you 10K worse off, then you are better going down the legal route.

If you are prepared for the worst, and end up with an amicable split, it's a win -win.

agreeding? agreeing.

OK so that's something practical to do. This is such a big thing for me and I'm pretty scared too. Tried to talk to him when he got home earlier and he blanked me, could not believe how cruel he was! Later I asked him again how could we sort anything out if he refuses to engage in any way with me. I asked him who else in the world would he treat like that?

Shit, this really is happening isn't it?

Maybe he'll respond to a solicitors letter OP

It only happens if you want it to happen. Otherwise, you'll find yourself apologising and hoping he'll forgive you .

It is possible to have an amicable divorce, but only if both the adults wish to behave reasonably. Otherwise, get a solicitor, as they really do take the strain out of it for you. If it's a straightforward split of 50/50 your costs can be a lot lower than 10K, and depending on how much of the paperwork you do for yourself, can be a few thousand pounds.

We are all terrified when we start, still am in fact (nigh on two months now) - it is a massive change. I rather suspect in your case, you'll look back in a few years and say 'best decision I ever made'.

I am blanking my husband (thankfully we are not living together anymore) so I understand it is a control issue (I need some!). He knows this is how to punish you, and to show his displeasure at your behaviour.

Also, you could possibly book a mediation session for precisely this: having an independent, grown adult in the room can help people behave civilly.

Have you any children that could go with you?

I've been through divorce with a 4 year old, no it's not pleasant.
Mine cheated on me, so through guilt gave me the house(when I say that I mean I still had the mortgage but he wanted nothing from it)

You shouldn't be treated like this, nor should you accept it!
It's hard but it's obvious that he doesn't love you (sorry if that sound harsh)

You could ring a solicitor for advice some my give you advice on phone, you can get half/hour free if you go in. They will ask questions like

Your house (mortgaged)
How much it's worth
Savings
Pensions
Any other assets

He's treating you terrible, he obviously can life like this that's why he's doing it. you can't!

Have a look on line for some ideas.

I am so sorry you are going through this OP and have no words of wisdom except to say that 30 years is a long time. You could have 30 more happy years when you have made the break
I'm sorry if I have missed this, but how long has your relationship been like this? It must be awful to live like this, not knowing if he'll ever be civil let alone nice, kind, caring and loving.
for you.

you are all so kind to be giving advice to a stranger! (It's something I have done in a specialised area in the past.) I am sorry to those of you helping me from experience - I cannot understand for the life of me why one human being would treat another so badly.

Costs run into thousands??? I am so bloody naïve, I had no idea...

Mini05 - I (we) have an adult son so no young ones to worry about. Those questions I wouldn't be able to answer so I need to find those answers somehow then before I speak to a solicitor? I have a feeling there might be some overseas property or assets in his name, connected to his family but I wouldn't want any claim on that.

I tried to look through some papers earlier, I found two sealed envelopes addressed to me containing cards and an unused 'wife' Christmas card. I found similar about six or seven years ago and I asked him what they were. He said that it was my Christmas card, but had not given it to me because the words were too nice

thank you morethan - sadly from before I married him. I am so bloody stupid!! A couple that we were very good friends with used to sing the Beatles tune 'you're gonna lose that girl' to him...

My ex ended our marriage nearly 3 years ago, after over 25 years together.

He changed from a loving, caring husband and father, to one who has taken us to court twice in the last six months, we're back again for the Final Hearing next month. He's hidden assets, refusing to declare his pension etc, please get all the evidence of everything before you do anything.

Somehow i did in the early weeks before he moved out, but hes sold vehicles and denied it. Hes on five times my salary, now lives with someone on almost as high a salary as him, but is still trying to deny his earnings, refusing to provide proof less then a month before the Full Hearing.

Meanwhile, hes taken me to court to try and stop paying maintenance. Doesn't seem to enter his head, it would have been so much cheaper to pay maintenance rather then thousands of pounds to solicitors.

Have a totally different life now, i never would have chosen to be a single parent, but we're getting there, i've done new things, made new friends, am doing things i never would have if i'd still been married. So you can turn life around, still have bad times, but having good times too, went back to uni last year, will qualify in 18 months or so, still working part-time but just so busy. Doing volunteer work too, as i need the experience for my new job.

You'll get there too, you'll wonder why you didn't do something before, but please see a solicitor and find out your rights before you leave, it will make afterwards so much easier :)