after 30 years, it's over

[tisnotme]

well that's it really. I've been treated badly, nothing violent or anything but the silent treatment of 18 months or so I just can't take any more. Tonight, in a restaurant, he sat with his back to me all night - people noticed. There's lots more of course but I'm just tired of it, I am a nice, kind, uncomplicated sort of person. Why would he do this?

I have read many relationships threads on here and never really commented as I have no relevant experience. I think, though, that the advice on here is truly fabulous and I hope you feel supported by these knowledgable and caring posters.
Bluntly, you sound lovely and he sounds like an utter twat.
Don't hesitate!
I wish you luck on your journey.

now the tears have started - I haven't been able to cry till now, because you have been nice to me...

I do believe I can get through this, I have to believe, I've been putting off doing this for too long. The time has never been right and I've always put other people's feelings before mine. His family love me to bits, I know they do and they will be distraught. I've always thought 'I can't do this to them.'

But they know things are not 100%, he told me on our 25th Wedding Anniversary that he didn't want to be married to me anymore and they know about that. That was the time he didn't speak to me for 18 months but something happened and we did a lot of work together to try and repair things and it was better for a short time but then it went wrong again.

Gah, I'm rambling and I'm sorry, it's helping to put stuff down and send it off out there and I'm grateful that you're listening. I do have some amazing real life friends and family but I can't actually say the words yet so I haven't spoken to them yet.

Thank you for sharing your experiences too

You're not naive, none of us knew much about divorce until we were forced to learn. It is possible that you could separate now, wait two years and then divorce, if you both consent. If not you have to do it on unreasonable behaviour - and that's where things get tricky: one person has to denigrate the other, in order to divorce.

And that is NEVER going to be conducive to an amicable divorce.

It has been an eye-opener, that's for sure. And it's amazing how your once very predictable husband becomes very unpredictable. If he is shitty in your marriage, then I'm guessing the divorce may go any which way.

Joy5 is so much further down the path than I, but she's right you have to focus on rebuilding your life, and structuring it in the way you want. In order to do that, you need to understand what the process involves because it is quite a bit more complex than ticking a box saying "I don't".

To put it in perspective, you don't have to ask anyone's permission to have children, you have to ask a judge's permission to divorce. It can be done cheaply, but not necessarily fairly. Get legal advice, understand the costs, and the benefits, they will explain how you can value property, get info etc. You do have a claim on the family property overseas I'm afraid, but that gives you a wonderful bargaining tool.

Getting divorced is not about keeping up appearances, it is trying to assure your future can happen. After 30 years of marriage, and one child, one of you is likely to have sacrified a career to bring up your child. So this is about ensuring that both parties leave the marriage on equal terms.

Hence speak to a solicitor.

OP, I think everyone here would feel sad about what they have read here. You deserve a new and happier life.

Best of luck with your journey. I think in just a few months you'll be wishing you had made the break years ago.

He doesn't love or appreciate you but you can remember that you are worth loving and he is a rude fool.

Keep posting. There's always good advice here.

He didn't speak to you for 18 months?

Hi Tis

I know it's hard but could you confide in your son? He will help you I'm sure. If he knew how you have been treated(or does he already) if so I'm sure he'd like to see you nicely settled again.
If you don't mind me asking how old are you?

yes Stopmithering, it wasn't a typo. I was/am used to it though. I am being ignored again now as I type.

Mini05, there is no way I would ask my son for help. He loves us both, we both individually have a great relationship with him. I could not do or say anything to set him against his dad. When he wanted to end the marriage before, (can't believe what I'm going to say now) he didn't want anyone to know. I told him he was being ridiculous, told my son who said he wasn't surprised and that 'honestly mum, if you get divorced I want you to know it won't affect me, don't think that you have to stay together just for me.' He is a good lad but sometimes I see an arrogance in him when he is with his partner that chills me. I do pull him up on it, but he's a grown up now. I used to keep a written diary. I had written in it extensively after I had my son, lots about how sad I was about how my husband was behaving and I didn't want my son growing up believing it was ok to treat a woman/partner/wife/whatever like that. Makes me feel like such a failure

I am in my very early fifties, was at school with my husband, his sister was one of my best friends and remains so. This is all so entwined and is going to be difficult for everyone.

That's good he still as a good relationship with you both. I think he was telling you years back to do it. He must of seen the atmosphere in the house and how sometimes you were unhappy, hence the don't stay together just for me.

No doubt some of your husbands traits your son may of picked up on, it's good you pull him up on it too. Your not a failure, we can only guide our children there nothing in black and white to say they do as we advise.

I'm sure your best friend wouldn't want you to be going through your life as you are(even though she is his sister) I bet she as seen this for herself, but as never wanted to tell you. I bet if you confided in her she wouldn't be shocked. Does she get on with brother(or puts up with him) because your her best friend, if she's a truly best friend she will understand.

Your still young(I'm 56) you deserve happiness.
Do you both still work?

You need to start looking for papers
his works pension(if he as one)
Bank account (joint/separate )
Look what houses same as yours go for
You almost certainly have a claim on oversea property( why shouldn't you)
Look for papers.

Get photocopies of them, it can start amicable then turn sour so you need info just incase. No matter how much you think you can trust them.

My ex paid maintence for son for years(mutual) then decided down the line (when I'd met somebody else) that was too much and halved it! But was ok for him to be living with somebody.
You don't really know anybody till it comes down to money!!! Very sad
X

This sounds so familiar. I would have been with my husband for 30years(24 years married) on Saturday past. We have DS19 & DS16. He didn't speak to us -Kids included- for months at a time over a period of about 10 years. We both worked full time but I paid the bills. He saved to buy nice cars that I wasn't insured to drive! I put up with it because I thought it was what I was meant to do? Made my bed so lie in it? He was the one who finally left about 9 months ago. He wanted it to be "amicable" but that's gone! My solicitor queried the cars, his inheritances, his lack of financial support for our daughter at uni etc. I am in process of gathering the stuff for disclosure now-but he "forbids" me from telling kids that we are at solicitors?!? Huh?? How do I explain estate agents etc!!! So guess what-they know!! And they want nothing to do with him. They haven't spoken to him for months-which isn't ideal but they are protective of me, as I am of them! Good luck OP. It's not easy. Somehow having "someone" seems better than having "no one" if only to unblock the loo! But I'm managing! Not coping isn't an option!!!

you must be a woman of iron to withstand such cruelty and disrespect. you can certainly survive the divorce and go on to a better life. get legal advice and make sure you get all you can out of it.

thank you for taking the time to add your replies. Typical responses when I try to speak to him are:

'Oh it's my fault again'
'You're just shouting abuse at me' (err no, I'm speaking quite normally...)
'I didn't mean to' (yeah, but you did...)
'I don't know what you want me to say'

does any of this sound familiar?

This is so ridiculous, we could have a lovely life together, we both work (very) part time, financially secure so choose to work. He has hurt me so much and let me down so badly over the years. Yes, everyone who knows me thinks I am a strong person, why is this this one area where I am so bloody weak???

My DH left me after 30 years. I look back and wonder why I put up with it all. I took my marriage vows too seriously and I always thought it would get better.

Please get to a solicitor and make sure you are financially secure.
Don't be soft hearted about him - make sure you get your share.

You have a wonderful life ahead.

It will be interesting to see if his sister remains your friend.
My husband's brother and wife are still very friendly with me - they dislike my XH.

"Yes, everyone who knows me thinks I am a strong person, why is this this one area where I am so bloody weak???"

There's 'strong' and there's 'tenacious'. IME outwardly strong & successful women often share the quality that they don't give up easily. They see a bad long term relationship as another one of the many problems they meet which is to be endured, managed or resolved successfully. They keep trying long after a weaker person would have thrown up their hands, walked away and given it up as a bad job. In addition, they often derive their self-esteem from their family and invest so much in it that it makes it very difficult to admit to anyone that things are going wrong.

However, once a strong person has decided to call it a day and detaches, they approach their new life with the same attack and determination.... All that remains is the question of crossing what my friend calls a 'mental bridge' to that new life.

I suggest it's because you used your strength to keep a difficult relationship together for many years, because you believed it was the right thing to do. Now you have to let go of it, you're suddenly doing the opposite of what you've been doing like grim death for three whole decades and having to admit to yourself it probably wasn't the right thing to do after all. And that hurts.

Projecting? Yeah. (25 years at the coalface here, thankfully divorced for 6.)

Cogito, fantastic post. I wish someone had said that to me at the same stage OP is at.
Annie, yes it does hurt, and great post too.
These are VERY wise words OP and I've been there too (27 years married, now 3 free!)

OP, I'm a similar age to you and can tell you that life can be really wonderful once you lose what is holding you back. Yes, the transition is bumpy, but very do-able.

Its time for you to take some action so you don't waste anymore of your precious life. Also you will showing your son that women don't put up with this shit (anymore).

How about picking up the phone today and making an appointment to see a solicitor?

Just wanted to thank you all for your very wise words. I keep reading to help me be strong and I want you all to know that you haven't typed up your words in vain. It may be taking me some time, but I am getting there, slowly but surely. Seriously, thank you x

Gird your loins my darling. xxx
There is no question that he does not deserve you and your life is going to significantly improve once you are rid of him and his emotional torture of you.

Be brave. Gather the paperwork. See the solicitor. Speak to trusted girlfriends for support. Don't hesitate.

You can be happy solo and your heart will be lighter in the long run.

There will be dark days; just tell yourself to be strong. You will make it out the other end. xxx

Don't cry. You deserve to be treated nicely, and kindly. You're upset because you're not used to being valued and told that you matter. You do matter, a great deal.

He sat in a restaurant with his back to you? He really could not have been more obviously contemptuous could he? So sorry op, but it would be over for me if this was a sample of his behavior, and it sounds like it is.Only consolation is that you have seen this coming for a while and this is a straw that broke the camel's back moment, by the sound of it.