Getting married but no proposal. Does it actually matter?

[TheWorldAccordingToJC]

I've been with my partner almost three years and we've just bought a house together. Good relationship, very happy, no issues.

For various reasons I'd like to get married as opposed to just living together. He's always said that he is happy either way but because it means a lot to me he's happy to get married and we can book it all ( it's going to be tiny as I've no desire for a huge do! ) for a few months time and he'll look forward to it.

My question. .. Have any of you married without a romantic proposal and does it even matter?! I'm not 22! He is romantic in his own way and he's caring and supportive but we've just has grown up discussions and made decisions re getting married and I can't see him getting down on one knee! ( we'd just piss ourselves anyway )

[livingzuid]

I had no proposal. We both wanted to get married and went to the registry office to do it as soon as we could. No ring, no grand gestures, no guests. It was wonderful. Opposite to my first marriage where I had the works. As soon as he proposed he started laying conditions down about how I had to behave. I foolishly went through with the wedding and left him nine months or so later.

A romantic proposal does not a good partner or marriage make!

[AlleyCat11]

No proposal. No ring. We've decided to get married, but we're not having a wedding. Both really looking forward to it. All of my friends have had the bended knee, diamonds treatment followed by the Big Day. Two said that the earth did not move as expected, on proposal. More said that their wedding day did not live to the hype.

[nooka]

I don't think that proposals really fit with modern relationships very well. They come from a time of courting when people didn't move in together, buy houses or have babies before getting married, and when decisions were largely made by men for women. Now I would hope that getting married is much more of a mutual decision, probably made over a period of time rather than a spur of the minute thing (obviously the decision to propose may be planned, but essentially it puts the other person on the spot).

[SecretWitch]

We were driving in the car, I said to my partner, " I would really like to get married." He replied " Sounds good, when and where?"

We had been living together for about a year and our five month old dd was snoozing in the back seat...

[AlleyCat11]

Same here. Grandmother's wedding ring & no engagement ring. It's not weird. Even if my mates think it is...

[drspouse]

We'd booked the church and looked at a house. I said "well, you haven't actually asked me". He sat down on the bed and said "do you want to get married then?" " Oh ok" I said.

[bragmatic]

We did it just like you. It happens a lot in modern relationships.

[GoshAnneGorilla]

During a phone conversation, I got "would you like to go to ... as my wife". I still tease him about it from time to time, but I'm not bothered. I knew I was going to marry him extremely early on, so didn't need a big proposal.

I also didn't have and didn't want an engagement ring.

It all sounds normal OP and like you've made a mutual decision. I wish you all the best for your wedding and your married life together.

[Marnierose]

For someone who has experienced a traditional proposal it really is lovely and it would mean a lot to me. I would want to wait for it v

[Trumpton]

We have been together 43 years and married 39 years. Never had a proposal ,we just needed to be married to get a cheap company mortgage through his work. Got married within 6 weeks of deciding to. No engagement ring until MIL gave me her MILs engagement ring 20 years ago. Traded in our wedding rings a couple of years ago to get me a new one as I fancied a change ( of ring not DH). Us romantic ?

[Mrsfrumble]

It was near Christmas and we were in our local pub on a Saturday night. We'd been living together for about 18 months, and we're talking about what the new year might bring when he made a vague allusion about "making a commitment". The next morning we were lying in bed (ahh! When we had nothing better to do on a Sunday morning than laze around in bed!) and I told him that I thought that the idea of him proposing was daft, and that it should be a mutual desicion. He said "d'you want to get married then?". I said "heck yeah!", and that was that.

That was nearly 9 years ago. I used to get the odd twinge of regret that I'd missed out on a romantic proposal, then I'd remember that it was entirely my own fault with my impatience and notions of equality. As someone said up thread, it's what comes after that counts!

[SconeRhymesWithGone]

No proposal. The decision to marry just emerged from discussions about what we wanted for the future. And I wore (and still wear) my grandmother's engagement ring.

[kaykayblue]

I got a proposal, which was wonderful. It wasn't some big Hollywood over the top thing, it was at home on a weekend, and it was perfect :)

There was a game involved (a normal game, not an adult one!) and then at the end when I "won" (yeah in hindsight that should have been a big clue!!), he went to get my "prize", then came back, and got on one knee and gave me the ring and asked me to marry him.

I think it's more the act of asking then the additional frills of the proposal itself. If it's important to you, you could just speak to your fiancé and say to him "I know we have already agreed to get married, and I don't need anything big or fancy, but I would really appreciate it if you could sincerely ask me the actual question".

I think the ring is just something to have on your finger. You could always go shopping for one together? Even if you get a costume jewellery ring, most people aren't going to know the difference anyway!!!

[Xcountry]

DH was pissed when he proposed to me, Pissed of epic proportions, We got married 11 years ago and we are still happy together. These things don't make a marriage, just the notion of a wedding really.

[Pennastucky]

We decided to get married after 6 yrs together. Were already living together and had a child. We went away for a weekend together and had a conversation and decided to do it. No ring, down on one knee stuff. Also had a small wedding (three months after we decided to tie the knot).

It was romantic in a different way - it felt real and solid and like a decision we had reached together.

[Appletini]

Does it matter to YOU?

That's the only thing you need to know really. It mattered to me. Other people feeling otherwise would not have changed that.

[Idontseeanyicegiants]

I proposed to him
We were living together, DS was a year old and it was a leap year. I proposed in a semi drunk 'so are we going to get married this year then?' He said 'ok then' and I switched the ring he had bought me for Christmas to my ring finger.
He had actually asked me when we found out I was pg but considering his family is full of judgemental gossips who still don't fully approve of me I didn't want to be a pregnant bride so told him I thought we should wait.

[BrunoBrookesDinedAlone]

OP I think your bonsai story is a lot more romantic than the proposal-by-numbers down on one knee open the little box type. He sounds lovely.

[s88]

It wouldn't matter to me

[EhricLovesTheBhrothers]

Proposals are bullshit to be honest. I get that people like them and I'm always happy for people when they tell me about it but the concept is deeply flawed. Be proud that you and your DP made a sensible adult decision about your future together!

[chicaguapa]

DH didn't propose to me either. We just always knew we would get married.

I'm glad to know it's not just me as I'd always wondered even though it never bothered me. I do like to tease DH but that's because I'm relaxed about it.

[ouryve]

Of course it doesn't matter.

[Lifeisforlivingkatie]

There you OP all the fanciful proposals are all romantic niceties, it's the quality of day to day that counts.

[SconeRhymesWithGone]

The most romantic wedding-related thing DH did was much later. We have been married almost 30 years. Several years ago while I was out of town, he was ordered to evacuate our house on short notice due to a hurricane (we live in Florida). Other than a couple of changes of clothes, he took only our insurance documents and our wedding album.

[mrsvilliers]

No proposal and I wore my grandmother's ring instead of an engagement ring! Turns out my FIL didn't propose either and they've just celebrated their 40th. Enjoy your wedding!