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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm so alone - I need to reach out tonight.

31 replies

kumamon · 22/06/2014 21:55

About six months ago I posted on here when I found out my boyfriend was cheating on me.

You all told me to LTB. You were right - and I finally did it last month.

We were together 18 months - not long I know. But I'm 36 - and that is a big investment of my time when it feels like it is running out. I fell in love with him and he said he loved me. He lied to me the entire time, another girl was always on the scene. The extent to which he betrayed me and deceived me takes my fucking breath away.

I can't understand why he did it. He used me to feel better about himself. He knew he was wasting my time. He lied so, so, so much - right up until the very end.

I know people on here face such terrible trauma in their relationships - and this is just chicken feed. I know that. I know I am lucky in other ways. Such self pity - it's not cool and tomorrow will probably be a better day.

But I feel so desperately alone. I feel like I will never find love. I want to have a family and I can't believe I ever will.

I hate him. Tonight I am desperate to email him, not to start up contact, but just to tell him what he has done to me. He is off with no cares, no worries - he doesn't deserve it. I want him to know the result of his actions. I want to stop being the dignified one who just turns away and tries to get revenge by 'living well'. Is it so wrong to pour it all out to him so he sees how hurt and angry I am?

Well, yes. I am fairly sure contacting him is a bad idea. So for now I am posting on here. Sorry for the pity party.

OP posts:
nespressofan · 22/06/2014 21:59

You're not alone. Plenty of people with 'more experience' than me will be here very soon to help you. I find it hard to type stuff out so will leave it to those who can. Take care of yourself.

FrontForward · 22/06/2014 22:00

Don't mail him :)

A pity party is fine and sometimes part of processing things as long as at the end of the party you make decisions to go forward more positively

Taz29duffy · 22/06/2014 22:01

I don't have words to make it easier, but I understand how you feel.

I too am 36 and 4 weeks ago today my fiancé walked out. We had been together 3 years and had 2 recent miscarriages. The anger I feel at him due to his abuse, lies and alcohol is immense, but mostly I feel hopeless and lonely. I yearn for children and as an only child have no nieces or nephews.

I just hope that someday the strength to fight returns. Everyone seems to insist time heals.

Making contact will only cause you more upset- I have struggled with this urge for days.

I guess I just want you to know that you are not alone and I understand the emotions you feel.

nespressofan · 22/06/2014 22:02

If you can, just refrain, at least tonight, contacting him. People will be along very soon to advise you. Read what they say, digest it overnight or tomorrow then decide. I promise you, these girls have been there and done it. I wish I knew about this site years ago.

MorrisZapp · 22/06/2014 22:04

Break ups are utterly horrible, that's why so many of us limp along in substandard relationships. It is absolutely normal to feel hurt, angry, lonely, confused etc, especially when you've been treated so badly.

Be kind to yourself and be realistic, this will take time to get over. It's usually a bad idea to try to get closure by offloading onto the ex, but if you do it it's not the end of the world. You may regret it though.

The classic advice would be to write a long, detailed, honest letter getting it all out, and then rip it up. Could be a plan?

ladyblablah · 22/06/2014 22:07

I think you firstly need to look why you are minimising what has happened to you.

You have been shat on from a great height, deceived, betrayed and hurt. It is not a minor thing. It has deep painful emotions attached to it, so the 'I know there are worse things' attitude will not help you right now. That will come with time.

For now, try and talk about (either here or in RL) exactly how you feel. Not how you think you should feel.

ladyblablah · 22/06/2014 22:09

So, do you believe you should have noticed his behaviour earlier?

Do you believe that he did this because there was something wrong with you?

Pennastucky · 22/06/2014 22:13

Hi OP. I am so sorry to hear this. You have been hurt, you ARE hurt and you are absolutely entitled to go through these feelings, experience them and process them. This is natural and something you have t go through to get over it all. Please don't feel bad about that.

If you are tempted to contact him, write the letter - pour it all out - but don't send it. Don't put yourself in a position t be rejected, misunderstood and hurt again by him again.

You WILL feel better. It might take weeks, months, maybe a year - but you WILL. And it is so, so much better to escape a relationship with a liar at 36 and be free to pursue other relationships in future than it is to be stuck with someone who doesn't value and appreciate you.

Honestly - it IS.

Sending you hugs tonight x

Springheeled · 22/06/2014 22:15

I remember you. He was with someone over Xmas or something? Unfinished business? I've been there and I feel alone tonight too- don't minimise it, you have to allow it to hurt

FolkGirl · 22/06/2014 22:17

I don't like to quote soundbites and mantras, but I've found it very helpful over the past 18 months to remind myself that This Too Shall Pass.

Because it's true. However bad you feel, or it seems, now, it will get better x

UrsulaBuffay · 22/06/2014 22:18

I know how you feel, you're not alone x

FolkGirl · 22/06/2014 22:21

I'm almost embarrassed to admit that I also purchased these...

www.amazon.co.uk/Power-Thought-Cards-Beautiful-Card/dp/1561706124/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1403472002&sr=8-1&keywords=louise+hay+cards

Again, not something I'd usually do, but it did help to focus my mind on positive things, rather than negative...

FrontForward · 22/06/2014 22:23

This too shall pass is a reassuring truth Folk girl

Original poster
kumamon · 22/06/2014 22:27

I am minimising it LadyBlahBlah - you're right. I just read such terrible stuff on here and on chumplady - it feels wrong to use words like 'betrayed'. Hearing you say 'you were shat on from a great height' makes it better, thank you. It does fucking hurt.

It hurts that he didn't love me. It hurts that on my birthday I had to ask him to write me a card, and eventually he wrote it on a paper bag. It hurts that he went to a gig with her on the night that I was back from 3 weeks working away and tried to lie about it even when two friends saw him with her.

I want to tell his friends not to like him. I want to punch his fucking face in. I feel so humiliated when I think of the lies he told me. He thought so little of me that he didn't care about hurting me and clearly thought I was stupid enough to buy some RIDICULOUS lies. And even now he won't admit things and tell me the fucking truth.

FUCK THAT FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT.

OP posts:
mineofuselessinformation · 22/06/2014 22:31

Keep a journal. Write it all out - it's a good release. As time goes on, you will be able to read back (probably with a few tears) and see how far you've come.

Springheeled · 22/06/2014 22:36

He sounds dreadful. You deserve better. You've done the right thing

ladyblablah · 22/06/2014 22:39

You feel humiliated.....which is completely valid.

But the next question then is, was there something about you that lead him to treat you so badly? Why do you believe he behaved like this?

FolkGirl · 22/06/2014 22:41

You could make some bread you know...

You can put all that anger you're feeling, and the desire to punch his face, into kneading the dough. You'll get it all out of your system and then you'll have some lovely tasty bread to eat Grin

My son said that he could tell when I was having a bad day after my exH had gone because they'd get home from school and there'd be cakes and bread. All made by hand (no mixers etc) and all a very good way of gettig anger out!

antimatter · 22/06/2014 22:45

when you trust someone and they use you it feels like your heart has been ripped apart

you feel all the pain of his lies and also that you know you are mourning the relationship you thought you had

anyone in your place would feel the same

it is actually better to feel all the pain as you are honest with yourself about your feeling

write her what you are feeling and why - externalizing it always helps
call on your friends
talk about it

ladyblablah · 22/06/2014 22:48

I would also add the question, have you always been a 'strong' person, someone who just 'gets on with it'?
Sometimes if we are perceived in that way, it is incredibly difficult to be seen as someone who has had this happen to them.

But you know what, we are all humans and we all pretty much experience the same emotions in reaction to certain events. So letting this 'strong' person feel weak (temporarily of course) is part of accepting you are a flawed, occasionally 'weak', person, when you have experienced something like this will ultimately be your strength

Paddlingduck · 22/06/2014 22:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
kumamon · 23/06/2014 16:36

Thanks to everyone for your support. Taz, Ursula and Paddling I'm sorry that you are going through crap too. It helps to have such a great community here to turn too. I can't believe how many dickheads are in the world, but they are no match for all the good people.

Springheeled you're right. At Christmas he told me he was going home to his family, in fact he spent Christmas and New Year with her. That is the worst (that I am aware of) - but there at least 4 other weekends away that he lied about.

Like the making bread idea FolkGirl - I've found learning to box at the gym INCREDIBLY good anger relief. I have a brilliant trainer who does an incredible impression of him to get me really fired up - works a treat.

And yep, there is a reason I am in this position - and it is a hard lesson to learn. But I am too fucking nice to them and I let them bust all my boundaries. I say 'them' because unfortunately this isn't the first man who has treated me like shit. It isn't the first time I have ignored red flags so huge the guys might as well have just met me by saying "I can see you're an easy mark, I'm going to be a complete shit to you by the way - and if it seems like I care about that, that's bollocks. I really only care about myself. Fancy a drink?" and I'd think "Oh, he's so complex - I'll make him love me."

I have gradually realised that this is my problem to change - it isn't just bad luck. I am not attracted to the nice guys, I find the idea of true intimacy and commitment scary - even though I am sure I want it. Instead I latch on to the fuckheads and think I can 'love' them better.

No more.

OP posts:
FrontForward · 23/06/2014 17:28

Get women who love too much out from the library :)

FrontForward · 23/06/2014 17:29

Italics fail...

Hughfearnley · 23/06/2014 23:25

I just want to add that at 38 I was single and depressed having wasted years on a totally inappropriate commitment phobe.
Fast forward 3 years and I have a 4 month old DS and getting married next month.
Take some time out for you, work out who you are and what kind of person you want to be with. Read the good book suggestions above and be true to yourself. You never know what lies around the corner.