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Original poster

Argument with DP last night - would like your opinions

50 replies

keysinmypocket · 22/06/2014 12:10

Last night I had a big argument with my DP. It seems really about not very much and I don't know if I was being massively unreasonable and over reacting but there is other stuff going on too which may have contributed to my reaction.

It started with DP giving me a foot rub on the sofa, he then moves his hands up to my lady parts - I wasn't in the mood so move his hand away. He continues with foot rub for a short period of time then stops, gets a book out and starts reading it. I got upset because I felt like I should have a foot rub without it having to lead to sex and felt it came across as a bit passive aggressive and sulky. I get quite annoyed so get up, get my things together and wanted to leave. In the end I didn't.

I am quite hormonal at the moment - my period is due the end of this week and there is also a chance that I could be pregnant as me and DP had unprotected sex about a week ago. He has been super broody for ages, asking if we could start a family asap and has even thought of names etc. Every time for quite awhile before sex he would ask if we could have it unprotected as he wanted to get me pregnant. However the other day he was saying how now that we could potentially have one on the way he doesn't "want a fucking kid right now" that it would be terrible as he is about to start a new position at work and that he really hopes that I'm not pregnant etc.

I think the foot rub thing could have been a catalyst as I am quite stressed out.

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
DottyDooRidesAgain · 22/06/2014 12:17
Confused

Your relationship does not sound like a great one to bring a baby in to tbh OP.

In regards to the foot rub. It is not like he stopped immediately after you said no so I don't think he is at great fault there. Your stroppy behaviour was just that and pretty pointless.

Neither of you sound grown up enough to have a baby. I think you both need to sit down and talk pretty soon because if you are pregnant you both will need to change your attitudes.

Sorry if that sounds harsh but I have no other way of saying it.

NorksEnormous · 22/06/2014 12:17

I don't see what he did wrong? He gave you a foot rub, thought he would try his luck, you said no, so he went back to rubbing your feet?

I would understand why you were cross if when you said no and moved his hands he didn't go back and rub your feet again, but he did?

FabULouse · 22/06/2014 12:19

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Chocaholicmonster · 22/06/2014 12:24

I have to agree with Dotty & Norks.

I'm guessing you wanted honest replies.. As far as the foot rub goes, I don't think he did anything wrong. He obviously thought he'd try to turn the massage into a bit of foreplay, you turned him down & he continued the massage. He had to stop at some point, otherwise he'd still be there now.. with very tired hands.

As far as the unprotected sex / pregnancy is concerned.. If you do turn out to be pregnant, you both really need to do some serious thinking, talking & maturity overhauling. If it turns out that you are not.. then please stop having unprotected sex. He has clearly panicked & reality has kicked in that he doesn't feel ready (although he could of gone about saying it in a much better way) & by the sounds of your post you don't sound as if it's something you really wanted yet either.

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone · 22/06/2014 12:27

On this snapshot, he sounds incredibly immature and definitely not someone you would want to start a family with.

So hope you're not pregnant, and if you aren't, start sizing up how the relationship is overall and pull back a bit. Oh and next time he's gushing about bayeee names and wanting unprotected sex, tell him to shut up and grow up.

APlaceInTheSummer · 22/06/2014 12:28

If the argument was about the foot rub then it was a bit ott. If however it was about your DP running hot and cold over whether or not he wants a baby, then that's a valid reason to be upset.

Give yourself a bit of space from him until you know if you are pregnant. You really don't need your head clouded by someone who deliberately wants unprotected sex and then acts like an arse when that leads to the logical consequence of getting pregnant. Seriously, you don't need someone who feels they can toy with your life, emotions and body like that.

Pennastucky · 22/06/2014 12:34

The footrub thing sounds pretty minor.

I would be more worried about somebody pleading for unprotected sex so he can get you pregnant one minute, then saying he 'doesnt want a fucking kid right now' the next. What a dick.

vicmackie · 22/06/2014 12:34

It sounds like you don't live together and yet you are trying for a baby -0 how long have you been together?
How old are you?

BackforGood · 22/06/2014 12:35

I agree with dotty and Norks too - can't see what he "did wrong" there and it was you that over reacted.

Re the 'being ready for a child' - IME 'just before sex' is not the best time to be making life changing decisions. If one of you is keen to start a family, then you both need to talk about it, as, it's a massive lifechanger.

Pancakeflipper · 22/06/2014 12:39

I cannot see a huge issue with the footrub - you wanted one. He gave you one. You didn't want it go further. He went back to foot rubbing then read his book.

But as most of the others say your both sound like you are not communicating with each other, wanting the other to second guess what the other is thinking and not on the same wave length about the relationship overall. DO NOT have a child cos' if you feel like this over your foot rub I doubt your relationship will survive pregnancy and a child.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 22/06/2014 12:40

Pressure to have a baby together then abruptly doing an about turn, when you may actually have just got pregnant? How long have you two been a couple? That sounds unsettling and ill thought out on his part. Best not to conceive babies on a whim with someone liable to change his mind every few days.

Wheras the foot rub thing, well you did get one and he didn't nag you when you discouraged any more intimate contact, carried on with the foot rub a little longer; I don't see how he was mean there.

Guiltypleasures001 · 22/06/2014 12:46

The foot rub is a red herring I think, you have not mentioned I have not mentioned if having a baby is your plan too? If not what the hell is going on with the two of you, or are you being forced or talked in to something your not sure about?

He sounds like a gas lighter and a cock just from that one conversation and not someone ide have children with full stop yet alone sex or a relationship.

Guiltypleasures001 · 22/06/2014 12:46

Sorry have not mentioned Blush

TheSarcasticFringehead · 22/06/2014 12:47

Tbh, when I had my first DC, although I wanted DC, the reality that it was going to happen made me panic quite a lot. It sounds like that's what he's done- the idea of having a kid is great for him, actually having one- not so much. I don't think it's that immature, if he gets over it. For now, there's nothing you could do about it either way, I suppose, but you both need to talk about it and see whether it's panicking (perfectly normal) or being a dick. The footrub- I think he didn't do anything wrong.

ROUNDandROUNDINCIRCILESMORETHA · 22/06/2014 13:15

I think many people view massage as a sensual and sexy thing. My dh doesnt give me a back massage because it ends up turning him on. could it just be a thing of mixed signals? X

EllaFitzgerald · 22/06/2014 14:29

Does every act of affection between you lead to him wanting sex?
Are you planning on living together in the very near future?
When he's discussed starting a family, how have you responded?
When he said he hoped you weren't pregnant, what did you say?

Thumbwitch · 22/06/2014 14:32

He's a grade 1 arse.

First he wants to get you pregnant, but then when there's a chance you might be, he has a hissy fit about it and puts you down. He thinks a foot rub should lead to sex and sulks when it doesn't - does he have any positive attributes?

HecatePropylaea · 22/06/2014 14:39

I don't think he wants you to have a baby. I think he wants unprotected sex.

Two very different things.

You need to talk to him about the relationship, about expectations, about children, about everything. finances, the lot.

gamerchick · 22/06/2014 14:41

Are you the poster who wants foot rubs and massages before sex and says no if you don't get them or am I thinking of somebody else?

The relevance being in that thread the communication between both people was exactly the same as your OP.

Sort out some birth control for the minute while you tweek some shit out in your relationship.

gamerchick · 22/06/2014 14:42

*say no and he sulks about it

Original poster
keysinmypocket · 22/06/2014 15:08

No gamechick, I am not that poster.

I think the issue with the foot rub thing was that I was feeling like yes, all affection i.e. massages always do lead to sex which I suppose I'm not that happy about as sometimes I just like to be massaged for relaxation.

But I think that the argument that ensued last night about it was a bit of a red herring as I think the main issue is the whole pregnancy scare and it didn't really take much for me to fly off the handle.

I think there are quite a lot of things in the relationship that I am unhappy about, particularly him pressuring me into unprotected sex. Actually the time that "it" happened, he just did it inside me without pulling out without asking me (we usually use condoms but occasionally we won't and use the withdrawal method) and he said afterwards that we both wanted it.

He has been going on about how he wants me to be pregnant for ages and now he has totally changed his mind saying we should wait a bit longer. It would be quite disastrous for me tbh if I was pregnant now as I am in the middle of studying and want to finish it before contemplating having a child.

The relationship is also relatively new and although we have talked about moving in together, this is still way off.

I find that he does pressurize me a lot in the relationship, particularly in reciprocating when he tells me he loves me (he told me he loved me very early in the relationship and says this to me all the time and then asks me if I feel the same).

OP posts:
Thrice · 22/06/2014 15:11

Arrrrrgh dude! When I was pretty young (early 20s), I had a boyfriend who told me he loved me after two days and before we'd even shagged (had messed around though). I thought it was so romantic! He said he wanted to be with me forever! Swoon! He got me gifts and was so attentive! He was good in bed! He said he wanted to knock me up!

He was also a possessive insecure psycho who turned abusive.

RUN, don't walk.

FabULouse · 22/06/2014 15:15

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AuntieMaggie · 22/06/2014 15:24

It would be quite disastrous for me tbh if I was pregnant now as I am in the middle of studying and want to finish it before contemplating having a child. then use proper protection and stop relying on the withdrawal method!

AnyFucker · 22/06/2014 15:32

So many red flags here I don't know where to start. However, I get the feeling OP isn't up for listening to good sense. It's all a bit JK isn't it ?

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