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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

This just happened and I don't know what to do

37 replies

SneakyNuts · 22/06/2014 01:14

DP and I just had an argument whilst laying in bed

I was laying on my stomach whilst saying something (probably nasty)

He grabbed me and leant on top of me whilst talking through gritted teeth. I froze for a couple of seconds until he let go

My anxiety got the better of me and I had a panic attack, he said sorry and is sleeping in another room but now I don't know what to do

OP posts:
Original poster
SneakyNuts · 22/06/2014 01:15

He's text me from the other room apologising

I don't understand at all

OP posts:
WallyBantersJunkBox · 22/06/2014 01:19

What did you say?

Singlesuzie · 22/06/2014 01:20

Fucking hell that's scary! Can you ask him to leave or you go and stay somewhere else tonight? Has he done this before? Has he been building up with smaller losses of temper and physical aggression?

Original poster
SneakyNuts · 22/06/2014 01:23

He called me a name. I told him not to speak to me.
He said what do I mean, I repeated it slowly, it probably riled him

He hasn't done this before, but has been stressed lately I suppose
We had an evening together which started off lovely and now it's come to this

I can't ask him to leave, it's his mums house (she isn't here) and I can't drive, we're quite out of the way

OP posts:
Original poster
SneakyNuts · 22/06/2014 01:26

Should I talk to him or reply to his message?
I'm under the duvet, I don't want to look at him if he comes in

He knows my childhood was violent, about an aggressive ex and sexual assault, I don't think I can trust him after this

OP posts:
Singlesuzie · 22/06/2014 01:33

I wouldnt respond tonight. Tension still too high. Leave it til morning til he is calmer and youve had some sleep (if you get any) . Personally i'd be making plans in the morning to stay elsewhere for a while. This isnt ok. You cant trust him. You need to decide if this is something you can get over and want to talk to him or not.

ICanHearYou · 22/06/2014 01:33

No dont reply to him, prick

NotTheKitchenAgainPlease · 22/06/2014 01:33

I don't think you should trust him at all after this. It doesn't matter what you said.

If you can't leave now then leave as early as possible in the morning. You'll always be on your guard and that will be exhausting and soul-destroying. Leave as soon as you can and speak to Women's Aid - they are great.
Can you lock the door?

NatashaBee · 22/06/2014 01:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
SneakyNuts · 22/06/2014 01:39

He pulled me towards him, put one leg over me and pushed his cock into my leg whilst saying something in my ear

He said he meant to kiss me but missed my mouth, I don't believe him

I don't have anywhere to go, really
No money, no car

Can't lock the door but would hear him coming. I don't think he'll come back in

OP posts:
Singlesuzie · 22/06/2014 01:43

Family, friends, colleagues? Could anyone come and get you to a womens aid refuge? Or let you stay for a few nights til you got somehwere permanent?

0808 2000 247 = womens aid number.

mrsspagbol · 22/06/2014 05:46

Your latest post is worse than the first Sad

Are you ok?

Cabrinha · 22/06/2014 07:20

That sounds awful darling. Very frightening. Totally unacceptable. It really just isn't normal.
He was violent, and more than that, he was sexually violent. He pushed his cock against you. That means he found being aggressive towards you a sexual thing. Dangerous, and disgraceful.
Honestly, in most relationships - and in all good relationships - things don't happen like this, "as a one off". It just isn't done. This behaviour is wrong.
It's worrying that you have no money, in his mother's house, and are isolated.
Good luck today x

paxtecum · 22/06/2014 07:32

OP: hope you got some sleep.
I'm in no way excusing him, but had he been drinking?

I think you need to make plans to LTB.

Hope you have a better day today.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 22/06/2014 07:43

A loving & healthy relationship would never leave you feeling frightened, anxious or intimidated. Being restrained or threatened is extremely bad behaviour and I'm worried that you seem to believe you have no alternatives. You can call Womens Aid 0808 2000 247 or the police non-emergency number 101 for advice.

Original poster
SneakyNuts · 22/06/2014 09:47

Woke up to breakfast and flowers on the bed
He apologised again and is giving me some space, I think he really is very sorry. I haven't spoken to him.

But how can I ever be truly happy with him now? He made me feel so safe but now that's all gone

OP posts:
Original poster
SneakyNuts · 22/06/2014 09:49

paxtecum yes, he had been drinking
Not overly intoxicated but maybe 4 drinks

OP posts:
Vivacia · 22/06/2014 10:10

How can you ever feel able to disagree with him again or tell him not to call you names? How can you share a bed with him, knowing that he might threaten you sexually (which is how I interpret his actions, given your description).

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone · 22/06/2014 10:12

You won't want to be ready to hear this - but dump him.

You're not married. I assume you don't have children (hope you don't- you don't mention them).

You're right, you won't ever really trust him again. Because he's shown that he is capable of using force to try and frighten you/intimidate/shut you up.

Do you know what that means? That he's a third-rate, fourth-rate choice as a partner. Decent people don't do that sort of stuff. Even if he never does that again, he's still far worse than even second best.

Rather than spend your one life making do with that third-rate choice, cut your losses and find a better person to live your life and have children (if that's what you want) with - someone you absolutely can trust.

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone · 22/06/2014 10:13

How old are you both and how long have you been with him, by the way?

Original poster
SneakyNuts · 22/06/2014 10:20

He really has never done this before, not even a hint of anything like this

We've known each other for 4.5 years, were friends before our relationship started and we've been together officially for a year. We don't have children together but I have a child from my previous relationship.

I don't know if I'm ready to leave him, I love him very much
I'm just shocked, I'm not sure whether I'm exaggerating because I'd had a couple of drinks too? I just don't know

OP posts:
Original poster
SneakyNuts · 22/06/2014 10:21

We are 23 and 24

OP posts:
magoria · 22/06/2014 10:26

So how did he whisper something in your ear I'd he was going to kiss your mouth and missed? He wouldn't have been trying to whisper in your mouth so that is bollocks.

Breakfast and flowers eh? He knows he has pushed a little too far and needs to make you think it was all a mistake.

Original poster
SneakyNuts · 22/06/2014 10:30

I know, I didn't buy that either
Generally he is very supportive and kind so I'm not sure where this has come from

OP posts:
Smilesandpiles · 22/06/2014 10:30

Has he said sorry to your face yet?

Apologies over text from anyone mean fuck all.