Feelings about baby's dad ??

[Bobbi1234]

Hi all
I am 4 months pregnant with my first child I am not with the father he was a friend from work we got very drunk and well yeah now I am pregnant. When I told him about the baby the day of my first scan he started asking questions like what about us? Like he wanted a relationship and I I told him the best thing to do is see how everything goes with "us". He wants to be involved with the baby and has been to my house a couple of times to help me put things up in baby's room and stuff and each time we have slept together he also texts me everyday. Then I found out last night he is still in a secret relationship with his "ex" who I may add I work with and has not spoke to me since she found out I was pregnant with his baby but I thought she was upset because he was her ex and she still liked him. But like I said they are together and he has asked her not to tell anyone at work but the keeps of letting her down and things. But he also said to me not to tell anyone at work what going on between us because we want to see how things go! Am I wrong to be upset with him as he made out to me like he liked me and wanted to give things ago ? I actually thought there was a chance we could have something and now I have got to see his stupid face at work on Monday and I don't know if I will be able to go in that place without beating the life out of him lol

Someone wiser than me will post on the relationships side of this. But for your baby's sake you should get an STI check. If you are too embarrassed to see your gp, or can't get a convenient appointment you can be seen at a sexual health clinic, often with no appointment.

I plan to speak to my midwife and sort it it was the first thing I thought of bar kicking him in the goolies xx

I think at the moment your best strategy is to focus on your baby and things that you will need for him/her, and be kind to yourself, and make sure you are eating well and resting as much as possible. Your baby's dad is obviously not someone you can rely on at the moment, so try and put him out of mind. Not easy I know when you are working together.

Maybe try and look at him and his 'ex' as if you are watching them on tv, so you see them all the time but actually are not directly involved, if you see what I mean. The distance you create by doing this will probably make you feel stronger.

In the coming months and once the baby arrives, he has a choice about whether he is going to be a good father or not. That is a separate choice as to whether you may have a viable relationship. I would strongly advise time and space. The world will seem very different once there is actually a baby.

My own situation was similar. Suffice to say, I am glad I kept him at arm's length both through the angry you have ruined my life and let's get married stages. For the first few weeks of our baby's life he was brilliant. In week 3 he met someone else and now barely ever sees our son. So the devoted dad bit was obviously a complete act. Protect yourself and your little one, and maybe consider having a chat with a lawyer at some point so you are fully aware if consequences of putting him on the birth certificate or not.

My exp refused to tell anyone at his work that I was pregnant. It was one of the things that made me very suspicious (actually was the first thing I got annoyed about and then found out a lot of others!). He was hiding it to ensure he kept his options open as is 'your' guy. Don't take it any further other than to update him on the pregnancy. He should get paternity leave but if he is anything like my ex would rather get his leg broken in 3 places to coincide with the birth than actually have to admit he wanted to be at the birth! (True story btw).
At least the 'ex' knows and isn't being lied to (unlike mine's) and so although you can't expect support, she isn't being kept in the dark. However they are more than likely still sleeping together, so you need to stop. If he can do this to the two of you and you work together, he's probably accomplished at having girls on the go. So sorry. I recently found a pic of his now fiancée's boobs on a hard drive he left here, dated back when we were together. They always have one in every port.
I know it is easier said than done but the sooner you detach from him the better for you and your child. My ex was back and forth like a yo-yo and really messed with my head, which is far easier to do when you are pg with all of those hormones! It wasn't worth it in the end as he now won't even see DD and hasn't done since she was 6mo. It feels like he was just doing it to fuck with us when I look back on it, as the only reason I allowed him to be there was because he kept saying how important DD was to him and how we were going to be such an awesome family. Now I am fairly sure only a handful of people in his life even know he has a child! Please try to limit your exposure to him, you really don't need his 'help'.

He already has a few kids not with his ex though and from what I can tell he a good dad. he does not know I know he still with his ex he thinks nothing is wrong right now .. But aparently he is one of these when he does get caught out he gets nasty and starts threatening people and stuff..... I am not scared of him not in the slightest but it does consern me that this nice bloke can be so nasty. He has told me he wants to be at the birth and all important appointments and everyone at work knows it was the gossip of the week because he was my manger when I got pregnant. The exs knows about the baby because we work together but she does not know he been coming to mine or that we have been sleeping together. I don't know how to detach from him I have stopped texting him so far so good bar he called me in the middle of the night when he was drunk asking if he can come to mine and cuddle and sleep over and i crumbled and said yes because all I want is some one to cuddle me I am really scared about being a mum and he was the one that told me it will be fine and he will be there. But back to the not seeing him he is friends with my friends at work so he quite often with sit with my group of friends at work I try not to talk to him but it makes it awkward. I think it is strange though how he will sit with us yet his "ex" will sit with her mates in the same room and he compleatly blanks her at least when ever he sees me around he speaks to me. The only reason why I have not told everyone and his ex what is going on is I don't want mine and his friendship to affect his and the baby's relationship when it here apart from that I would have knocked him out in the middle of work (is knocking a manager out a sackible offence?) and then tell everyone what he been up to ......I think I need some time away from that place so I don't see either of them and can get my head straight but you have to give work 2 weeks notice if you want time off xx

First up, you need to stop calling her his ex, because she isn't.
She's the woman he's cheating on.
With you.
For heaven's sake find some self respect and stop sleeping with someone who doesn't care about you, who you know cheats on his partner - the mother of his kids - has no care for professional boundaries, and you believe can turn nasty.
Why? Just WHY would you want that for yourself?
If you crumble because you're scared of having this baby, go and talk to your midwife about what you can do - groups of other mums to be, perhaps?

You think it's strange she doesn't sit with him at lunchtime? Because the poor woman is also being dicked about by Me Happy As A Pig in Shit, getting his cock sucked all over town. She's told to give him space at work, no doubt.

You need to think about why you're prepared to sink this low.

"Mine and his friendship".
What friendship?
You open your legs for him at his convenience and accept him sleeping with his wife.
Nope, not seeing any friendship there.

If you need time off more quickly than 2 weeks notice, go to the HR Manager and explain that you slept with boss when pregnant, had an accidental pregnancy, and are now involved in his being his OW and the his partner works with you too. I'm sure they'd have something to say.

In case I'm not saying this clearly enough: the only "feeling" you should have is the feeling that this guy is an ARSEHOLE.

I don't want it for myself it is like half of me hates him and the other half wishes it could be different and hopes I could but I know it can't and we did have a friendship before all of this .... The woman he is with is not the mother of any of his childern the only low I am prepared to sink to is putting that little rat bastard in hospital because he has been walki around the place like he owns it for way to long. And haha the owner of the company knows what he is like and knows that I am pregnant with his child so HR really won't do anything and if I tell them he will probably just try his best to get me sacked and he will just get a slapped wrist again .... And I do agree he is a arsehole x

OK - so read your post back.
Why are sleeping with him?

I only found out like 48 hrs ago about him still being with her up till then I was sleeping with him because I thought we was going to have a relationship but after I found out about him with her I spoke to a close friend who told me a lot of stuff I never knew about him she didn't tell me earlier because she didn't know I was seeing him or anything as she thought he was just going to see the baby when it hear and that it ...... I do feel like a idiot and I have made some very very poor choices. I just need to find the best way to deal with it. I have started ignoring his text and if I go into work Monday (not sure yet as I feeling stressed about it ) I will ignore him. ....... But I not sure if just keeping it all inside is the best wat to deal with it or wether I should tell everyone what he is up to including her and watch it all fall apart around him

You need to focus on you and the baby. It is very likely you will end up doing this whole mum and baby thing entirely on your own, so you need to stop giving this man anything, thoughts included, and put your baby first. That is what mothers do. Your own feelings will never be the most important ones again. It is a big change. Who cares what people think about him? He is not your problem anymore.

I would seriously think about whether you want him at the birth as well. HE HAS NO RIGHT TO BE THERE. You worry that 'he gets nasty'. He sounds very selfish and at the birth the focus will be on you and you only. How would he cope with that? Could a friend or a relative come with you instead? You want someone there you can trust absolutely as you will be a complete mess. Please have a think about it.

Are you quite young? You sound it. You need to put this man out of your mind as much as possible and find yourself some supportive friends. Don't allow him at the birth, don't put his name on the birth certificate, keep him as far away as you can. He's clearly no use as a partner or a father.

I am going to have a big think about it and book some time off so I can have a break from that place as I had really bad morning sicknes that has only just eased off but it made me so I'll i was under performing so they are on about moving me in down in to his office so that will be less pay for me and he will be my manager again so I recon a holiday off work sort my head out tell him only to contact me when it to do with the baby and have a think about how involved I want him to be as I was willing to let him basicly come over whenever come to what ever appointments he wants come baby shopping he offered to put the nursery furniture together and decorate the nursery for me but tbh I would rather struggle and do it alone than have him think he has his feet under the table ...... And if he ever lies or lets my baby down god help him because fair enough lie to me I am a adult and I can take it but not to my baby .....the birth is a problem my mum would rather stick pins in her eyes but would be there if she had to lol and all my siblings are a lot younger than me and I don't have a dad he was a loser just like this bloke lol so it either him or my best friend but she works at my work so wether they will let her have the time off without having a go at her is a different question .... From what I can tell he was quite good at all his other children's births no one has said any different and a some people know the mum of his last child ...... Ugh I am so confused but I just need to get rid of him out of my head and my life till I decided how involved I want him I am going to turn my phone off and hibernate even if I have to take a week off work unpaid just to sort my head out thanks for the reassurance that I am not being stupid at being mad with him and the tuff love that I am not showing my self any respect if I let him carry on x

I am 20 so yeah kind of young I live alone and work full time so all my friends are work friends really as all I do is work or see my family x

I agree not to let him at the birth - I wish I hadn't. It felt so hard at the time to do the 'right' thing, something that I was worried would haunt me forever if I got wrong. Trouble is, you didn't make him this way - he has made his bed with his actions just as much as you have yours and will have a baby to care for. My ex made out that we would be happy families for months, left then came back to live with me and then 6 months later left again, came to visit DD sporadically when it suited him and then buggered off. In the mean time he has take us to Court and turned up uninvited saying me claiming maintenance through CSA was forcing him to drink and now his liver is so bad he would die if he had another drink, which would be MY FAULT.
If I had the option of letting him walk the very first time he showed what a selfish areshole he was, or letting him back in time and time again 'for the baby and it's relationship with him' I wouldn't put myself or DD through those 1.5 years again if you paid me. You will have so much to do when the baby gets here, you with be SO TIRED and your hormones will be making you feel weak and angry all at the same time. Now is really not the time to allow some nasty selfish twat into your life. Your baby won't care as long as you are the best mum you can be. And that includes looking after yourself throughout pregnancy and making sure you only have supportive people who can actually help around you. Not this man. He is lucky you have even considered it.
I also think you need to go to HR or CAB if you think they are in the boss' pocket and see what rights you have. He can't be allowed to abuse his position like this any longer.

I have a funny feeling that if you actually met the woman he already has kids with 1. he will probably still be sleeping with her 2. she probably doesn't think he is god's gift as you have heard 3. she may not be aware of your situation which will probably mean her maintenance goes down for her children if you claim via CSA or CSM whatever it is called now 4. She may have a few words of wisdom on his 'brilliance' as a father.
I would love to hear her side!

I would love to talk to one of the women he has kids with but I only know the name of one on them and she only gave birth a few weeks ago so don't think it would be fair to just go hey btw you know your ex who your month old baby is with well he has impregnated me and now screwing me over just thought I would let you know ... I know she don't think he is gods girft infact I think they can barely tolerate each other and I know she does not know about me because aparently according to friends if she did she would not be impressed lol ....... And he is more than in the bosses pocket as when they have bought you a car worth 10s of thousands of pounds you must be up their arse never mind in their pockets ..... And I only considered letting him be so involved because I thought it was the right thing to do .

God he sounds like a right waster! You've let yourself in for some aggro here. Don't bother giving him a punch. What's the point? I'm surprised his gf isn't waiting to give you one once your baby is born!

He's trouble and you can sense it. Whether you actually do anything about it remains to be seen

His gf wouldn't because she thinks I dont know about her and I could floor her in a heartbeat and I know punching him wouldn't solve anything but it would make me feel a damn site better. I am going to do something about it apart from cut him off from me.

Jesus christ, what an absolute disgusting, pathetic, weak excuse of a man.

Are you definitely keeping the baby? I know some people have strong views on these things, and of course the choice can only lay with you, but I think you really want to think hard before you make a decision either way. Do you really want this piece of shit man stuck in your life forever? Plus at 20 you are so young. Is this really the life that you want?

Not even as a partner (jesus christ please don't even THINK about dating a man who is too ashamed to admit to others that he is sleeping with you. How fucking rude is that?!?!?!), but as the father of your child? Urgh. And it sounds like he is already leaving a trail of children behind him in his wake.

Why don't you speak to the other girl - NICELY - and ask her what he has been saying to her. You can compare notes and hopefully then realise what an absolute piece of shit this man is.

So yes. Stop sleeping with him and tell him you have no interest in a "relationship" with him.

I do want to keep the baby getting rid was never a option and never will be i don't want a relationship with him especially now but just as long as he is good with the baby then I can put my dislike of him to one side for the sake of the baby..... I dot. Really know what I would say to her oh hey I know you ain't spoke to me for a bit but now I have figured out why because your still seeing him well I have something to tell you we have been sleeping together again ever since he found out I was pregnant but I leart over the weekend that you two are still together so I thought I should let you know what he is up to ??

Bobbi. A few things you need to think about:

How long have you been in your job? Do you qualify for maternity pay? Does your company have a maternity policy? What happens if you do not return to work? Would you have to pay anything back? How long can you afford to take off on maternity leave? What childcare do you need once you go back to work?

Work sounds like a mess. Could you afford your fkat if for whatever reason you lost your job? Sounds like you need a new job to me.

How much financial support are you entitled to, bith from the baby's father and tax credits etc?

Is your current place baby-friendly?

Once all the practical is sorted then you can think of emotions.

Yes I agree. Try to put all of the emotions to one side and focus on what you are entitled to and how to manage. I think CAB should be able to talk to you clearly about employment law - so perhaps on your week off you could call or make an appt with them and start there?

Ignore the other woman - she probably won't believe you anyway. These men are adept at making other women out to be crazy so that they can sa "poor me!". I'm confident ex's OW/now fiancée thinks I'm a nut job because she wants to - it means she has him all to herself and we aren't a threat to her very own happy families with him. Don't bother there as she'll see it when it is her time and anything you say will be used against you, especially if you are angry or hurt or emotional. Not worth your effort, honestly.

You do really need to get out of there - how far along are you? If you aren't showing perhaps you could look for a new job for a few months? Not ideal but at least you can get on with a slightly more normal life.