Can you advise me on this issue (money)

[littlegreengloworm]

I will probably name change as giving away a lot of Info here but dh are married a few years, I am the higher earner and dh didn't have permanent work (but long term contract when we married)

He owns a house with a higher mortgage than me but is not prepared to sell it or for us to move not it, it is four bed with garden. Mine is very small no garden, dishwasher etc.

I am paying all the mortgage on my own and he pays his but gets rent from tenants. I agreed with this initially a few years ago.

I am getting increasingly resentful as baby two is on the way, I am in a high pressure job I no longer enjoy but I will stick at it. It's in my chosen profession and I am luckier than most.

I need to talk to him tonight and this is what I am going to suggest

We move out of mine and into his

We move put of mine and rent a larger one in same area- he will have to contribute to rent

We stay in mine and he pays towards mortgage

Either way we ill be out I this house by the time baby two arrives.

I am very thrifty, I don't think he realises how easy he has it and I'm not prepared to pay for the marital home alone anymore.

Am I being to harsh?

Thank you for by advise (just want to add he is a great dh but stubborn in his own way)

I'm Roman Catholic and won't divorce him, I love him

Sorry wasnt clear - he pays half utilities and half grocery bill and half childcare

Also his tenants do not cover all he mortgage but a lot of it.

I don't know does that make a difference.

I talked to him this evening and he said ok, but that he has never once complained about me not having a garden. At that point I laughed, genuinely laughed and said I'm not his landlord and he's living here rent free. No other man lives rent free and he has no right to complain about us not having a garden when he has a free bed.

Just to be clear, I pay for this like new duvet sets, a lot of cleaning products but as I said I am thrifty so I can do a reasonable grocery bill as I bake bread, buns etc. I don't buy takeaways or ready meals. We don't drink. Well I do but I'm pregnant. We are not going on hoilday this year as I have a lot of hospital appointments. I also get paid maternity as ha. A good contract at work.

The relationship you have with your partner is the one your children will model when they are older. I don't think your religious persuasion should keep you in an unequal relationship but I'm not religious as I find most religions misogynistic.

So did he say he would let you move into his house? If not ask if you can sell or rent yours out and buy somewhere else together more suitable

He has agreed we should buy a bigger place, rent both of out until market improves (the only advantage of the poor market is we can buy something at a quite reasonable price)

I can't help feeling that he is pissed off though. I know one of his vest friends moved in with his wife and no way would he live there without paying. I told him so, so it kind of shamed him. He said that I shouldn't be the only one to complain and be is very happy. I said of course you are happy, you hd to pay rent in the capital until you married me.

We are ok but this has shaken things up. I think his parents would be mortified if they knew the situation so he has no one to confide in. I haven't told anyone in real life the truth.

I think enough is enough. I've been quiet for too long. I'm tired of having to spell everything out to him like housework, family time etc. I have to say he is great with our baby. I have free evenings, he does all night work. He is good humoured and respectful. I don't want to paint a lazy picture of him. He works until the late hours of the evening but it is sort of old fashioned - DIY etc.

Letting you do the majority of the housework and pay the bills isn't being respectful.

Why do you have such low expectations from a partner. Sit down together, divide the housework, divide the finances.

Sell both properties and buy a decent-sized family home. If there's little to no equity then what the fuck has he been doing with all the surplus cash that he's not been contributing to the household?

Before you start making plans to rent a larger property you MUST ensure that your lender will give you Consent-To-Let. But be warned, it's not a long-term strategy. They could agree to a year, maybe two for a fee, and then insist you go on to a Buy-To-Let mortgage which will attract a much higher interest-rate and will require that you have at least 25% equity as deposit.

Have look on RightMove and see what sort of rents are being asked for in your area for a four-bedroomed house. I'm sorry, but I don't believe that the rent isn't covering the mortgage. Not unless he spent a hundred grand "improving" it after purchase and it hasn't increased the rental-value. If that is the case then either he's too stupid to be let out on his own or he's a bloody liar.

Wow. He is taking you for a total mug! It's not much of a marriage IMO, where is the partnership and respect?

I'm really, really upset. I'm pregnant, have a baby, I can't talk to anyone in real life as my mother is really difficult and didn't accept me getting married as she had me running around after her and criticising me for years.

Dh genuinely doesn't see the not paying as an issue. He says he's really happy and he hasn't complained about us not having a garden. We are talking away normally now but I'm broken inside. Everyone takes me for a fool and it gets to breaking point and I run away from people.

I'm not going to run away from the marriage. It's the only thing solid I have (though I have a good career- It doesn't make me happy)

Dh has brought the baby out for a walk. I didn't want to dtd this morning, I'd say he knows I am not happy.

I can't tell anyone.

Am I wrong to ask for a contribution? His mortgage is big and even after the tenants pay he has to contribute 600 to it. We could pool our money but I resent paying for that house when he could sell it and break even and both of us buy a family home.

The whole thing is my own fault as I agreed to paying the mortgage on my place when we first got married.

He is now shocked at where this has all come out from. I look like a red eyed scarecrow, I will probably frighten the baby when they come back.

tell him he starts paying half your mortgage from this month onwards. he is living there -he pays, full stop.

if he can't afford the other mortgage he has to sell the house. currently you ARE effectively paying that mortgage by him not having to pay for a roof over his head.

he's really happy - joy - you're not. stand up for yourself now or this will just be another relationship where you are walked all over. if you both move into the 4 bed then you could split the cost of the mortgage between you and rent yours to cover that mortgage. that would be fair and sensible. i'm not sure at all of the logic of bringing a third house and stamp duties and estate agent fees and the whole shebang into it when there is a 4 bed house sat there.

If the mortgaged property really is costing 600 quid a month over and above the rental-income then it's an albatross around both of your necks. When does he foresee this becoming a financial asset rather than a liability?

Unless he's got a half a million quid mortgage on this place and the tenants are paying him sixpence a month, I don't believe it's costing him that much of a shortfall. I'd want to see the mortgage-statement on it before I'd believe him. Who are the tenants and why aren't they paying a market-rent? That's over seven grand a year which could be used to pay down the mortgage on the home you live in.

If the boiler breaks down in the middle of winter or some other expensive repair needs to be done, who's gong to come up with the cash if it's a 600 quid a month white elephant? Not you, I hope.

I suppose he has compromised though - by agreeing to buy somewhere else together.

Why is he so reluctant to sell the other house? The mortgage must be huge if he still has to pay 600 a month towards it after rent.

no actually it just doesn't add up does it? even if the mortgage was £1200 a month that would mean the tenants were only paying £600? it's bollocks i'm afraid. what would be the point of keeping a house that is losing you £7200 a year before you even do any maintenance or repairs? nonsense.

I cannot thank you all enough, I hope I can help you all one day.

His house is costing. The tenants (rightly) need new things - this year alone dishwasher, new roof on part of house (of course it's not unreasonable), it needed insulation.

I feel I am paying for it and dh is being stubborn. You wouldn't believe how careful I am with money and yet we live very well all the same. I used to be very poor so I never forgot that.

OP have you ever seen evidence that he DOES actually own this house? i've got alarm bells going off for you here.

if he's paid for all those things plus the shortfall this year OP that's probably £15k thrown down the drain in one year alone.

realistically either he is taking the piss and their is more to this than meets the eye OR he is financially utterly useless. either way the answer is the same isn't it? you need to step up and take the reigns before he drags you both down further.

I cannot understand why he bought it. It was huge money. List now worthless. Recession has hit us very hard here and he used to earn a very high salary in specialised area. Now basic wage.

Two months ago he was dreaming of going back to college and I hit the roof. Second baby on the way. There is only a year and two month gap and he's on about going back to train to be a teacher for the good holidays. I am fighting a battle all the time to make him realise this real life.

I busted my arse working in a professional job then as a carer and cleaner at weekends to get on the property ladder young. He got a private education, parents helped him out. Mine just told me not to be a snob and I got no help since teens with anything- especially emotional support.

Honey, yes it's only two miles from ours. I'm often in it.

don't feel bad about being assertive and making decisions - YOU are the one with financial sense and who is the main financial contributor and he is making awful decisions. see it as you rescuing your finances and securing the future for all of you including the children because left to his own devices he'll be throwing away a minimum of 10k a year that could be going towards all of your futures.

sorry for mad multiple posting but i'd take this approach now of saying look what we are throwing away, look how much better off we would be if... i'm not continuing down a path of throwing away tens of thousands of pounds due to your poor financial sense so this is what's going to happen.

right so enough is enough - how much is his pride and inability to admit he bought a lemming and is now throwing good money after bad going to drag you all down?

enough OP! he clearly isn't the one to lead financial planning in your relationship and needs to have the sense to let you get the family finances back into sensible shape.

lol i'd be tempted to fire bomb the place OP. you have been amazingly patient with this but really it's too far isn't it? it would go on forever. all that waste! you have another baby on the way, you won't be able to work forever and at some point you might want to slow down a bit and not have that prevented by having wasted 10k pa plus on a white elephant.