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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Being ignored, any insight from people who ignore partners

32 replies

PenelopePitstops · 20/06/2014 23:29

Hi all

Firstly my dp is generally wonderful. Loving, caring and does stuff for me etc.

BUT whenever we try to talk he completely shuts down. For example, tonight we tried to talk about me doing stuff around the house more than him. (I tend to get back from work earlier than him so do approx half an hour of housework that he never 'sees'). I was talking, asking his thoughts etc and he literally said nothing. I mean full on blanked everything I said . I am struggling with this and can't understand why he won't just talk. I end up getting increasingly frustrated and tonight I left where we were (the pub) to come home. This probably isn't a good thing to do. Anyone with a dp who does this that can offer any advice? It all seems so petty.

OP posts:

Lweji · 21/06/2014 00:31

Because he won't have to do anything if he doesn't talk about it.

ilovelamp82 · 21/06/2014 00:36

Precisely what Lweji said.

beaglesaresweet · 21/06/2014 00:43

or he feels guilty but doesn't want to change behaviour.

GungHo · 21/06/2014 01:24

Big red flag. Sorry.

How long you been together?

Fact is, you'll never really truly know why he does the silent crap. But rest assured it's just passive aggressive and they somehow enjoy watching you wind yourself up into a frenzy of frustration...

at that point they usually walk away slowly and quietly saying 'I can't discuss/talk to you when you are in this state' leaving you screaming 'but you have made me get into this state'

Any stonewalling like this - especially over a reasonable issue such as this, is just a non-starter in a 'relationship.'

He doesn't like you that much. When he's being lovely and wonderful he's simply mirroring you back to yourself so you like him/love him...but when he's giving you the silent treatment? well that's the real him. And he'll just get worse over time.

Ditch him. Pronto.

Tinks42 · 21/06/2014 01:41

OP, I had an ex like this, he'd pull this sort of stuff a lot. It's abusive and what they end up doing is turning it around as in saying you're over-reacting, eventually he will tell you you are the "mad" one and believe me you will feel you are. It's a terrible situation to be in. Im a couple of years out of it now and still get floods of remembering what I put up with.

Get out.

Tinks42 · 21/06/2014 01:42

By the way, finding mumsnet was my saviour.

mammadiggingdeep · 21/06/2014 03:06

My ex did it. In the end it made me feel like I didn't have a voice in the relationship. He did ridiculous stuff, very unreasonable behaviour and then refused to talk about it.

It's a choice. It's very very rude and disrespectful.

mammadiggingdeep · 21/06/2014 03:07

Oh. And tinks right, it's abusive.

HorizontalRunningOnly · 21/06/2014 03:13

My ex was like this to! I never ever considered it abusive and thought I was the rude mad one and he was just quiet but reading this I see he did what precious posters said and turned it back to me when it was him. Even when we broke up he was silent and petty and we have a young child together. God I really am better off out! Sorry op hope u can sort things

Coughle · 21/06/2014 03:20

Maybe he feels overwhelmed and just doesn't know how to respond. My dp has mentioned that he feels frustrated when I open a important topic for discussion with no warning... I've had time to think about it but he hasn't iyswim. Especially if he thought we were going to have a rejecting evening!

Could you try sending him an email or text during the day - hey, I'd like to talk about x, can we grab a cuppa when you get home and talk then?

Coughle · 21/06/2014 03:21

Relaxing not rejecting!

RockinHippy · 21/06/2014 03:32

Maybe he's just digesting it all & didn't want to get into an argument with you - my own DH can do this at times, usually when he's tired, irritable, feeling got at, or feels pissed off at either what I'm saying, or how or where I'm saying it & knows he won't respond well, so he doesn't respond at all - men are from Mars & all that stuff.

Leave him to his cave to ponder what has been said & ask him again later when the mood is lighter, if he's had a chance to think about what's been said & if so how does he have anything to say - I usually find mine responds well if handled that way, apologises & explains he felt got at etc etc & was avoiding a row, but now he's had time to think about it can see I have a point, they tend to be quite simple creatures & need time to absorb what youvecsaid

WildBillfemale · 21/06/2014 08:14

Slightly different angle to this but maybe sit him down and bring up this stuff over a cup of coffee at home would be better? would he talk then?

If I was at the pub on a Friday night hoping to relax I would be cheesed off if H started bringing up domestic stuff.

MissMarplesBloomers · 21/06/2014 08:19

oh god how familiar, the brick wall impression.

I once ignored my Ex other than civil responses to questions, to see if he'd actually NOTICE our lack of communication

. After 2 weeks, I had my answer.

Rideronthestorm · 21/06/2014 08:23

I have (very occasionally) done this when I know that the "talk" will likely end in a blazing row, which I don't want, especially not in public.

A pub is no place for such a discussion.

Hakluyt · 21/06/2014 08:28

"Leave him to his cave to ponder what has been said & ask him again later when the mood is lighter, if he's had a chance to think about what's been said & if so how does he have anything to say - I usually find mine responds well if handled that way, apologises & explains he felt got at etc etc & was avoiding a row, but now he's had time to think about it can see I have a point, they tend to be quite simple creatures & need time to absorb what youvecsaid"
There's another thread going at the moment about "why are you a feminist"
If it wasn't bad form I would just C&P the above...........

TodaysAGoodDay · 21/06/2014 08:38

My ex-p used to do this to me, apparently it was my fault he ignored me as I 'never had anything interesting to say'. 20 years I stuck with him. What a complete idiot.

There are lots of lovely men out there who will listen to you, and value your opinion, don't stay with one who shows no interest and ignores you when you speak. Ultimately it will damage the relationship, and I'm sure all your efforts are worth more than that.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/06/2014 16:55

What you're describing is someone who is only wonderful or 'loving, caring and does stuff' when it's on his terms. If he refuses to engage when it's something awkward, it's appalling behaviour that's very selfish and disrespectful. Your opinion isn't worth acknowledging because he has no intention of taking you seriously.

sonjadog · 21/06/2014 17:02

Does he come back to it later or does he respond when you mention it later, or does he just go on as normal amd pretend it never happened? I think there is a big difference between the first two and the last scenario.

FunkyBoldRibena · 21/06/2014 17:43

From his point of view the only thing that is going to happen as a result of this conversation is that he will end up with more to do and less free time. For him it is a lose-lose situation. So why would he engage with you about it?

Phineyj · 21/06/2014 22:14

Spend half an hour after work in a coffee shop.

PoundingTheStreets · 21/06/2014 23:01

You can't have a decent relationship without the ability to talk about things that one or both of you would much prefer to ignore. If one or both of you can't communicate, you may as well end the relationship before it starts or accept the fact that it will be very one-sided permanently.

Reddeb · 22/06/2014 03:38

I have to admit, I have done this. The reason I would do this us because, sometimes I feel that I'm not allowed to have a different opinion to dh. It feels like in some discussions he will keep badgering me, going on at me until I say, I agree with you, I don't, and that he can't accept I don't have to think the same things he does etc perhaps I shouldn't do this but sometimes feels easier to simply not engage.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 22/06/2014 12:05

I'm not sure where this has come from

Does it really matter where it comes from? The point is that it happened. And now you know what he is capable of.

He has in that brief moment "told you who he is"... listen to that.

ImperialBlether · 22/06/2014 12:50

There are two things you could do:

a) go to the gym or swimming every night after work.

Advantage: you'll get fit and you'll get to see what he does in that half hour when he's there first.

Disadvantage: he will still ignore you in different situations.

b) go to the gym or swimming every night after work and find yourself somewhere else to live where you don't have to put up with disrespectful behaviour.

Advantage: you'll get fit.

Disadvantage: none.

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