Being ignored, any insight from people who ignore partners

[PenelopePitstops]

Hi all

Firstly my dp is generally wonderful. Loving, caring and does stuff for me etc.

BUT whenever we try to talk he completely shuts down. For example, tonight we tried to talk about me doing stuff around the house more than him. (I tend to get back from work earlier than him so do approx half an hour of housework that he never 'sees'). I was talking, asking his thoughts etc and he literally said nothing. I mean full on blanked everything I said . I am struggling with this and can't understand why he won't just talk. I end up getting increasingly frustrated and tonight I left where we were (the pub) to come home. This probably isn't a good thing to do. Anyone with a dp who does this that can offer any advice? It all seems so petty.

I put it in writing. I text saying, 'I'd like to talk about x y z tonight. I think a b c. Let's talk later.' This gives him room to think. He does not think well during conversation and just feels put upon and defensive and scared. So I have adapted my communication style. This is not anti feminist!

There are some wise words on here. Communication is huge and also highly complex. I do agree that some forewarning may well help and perhaps finding different strategies to overcome this problem. If he is wonderful in many ways then that's great. Nobody is perfect, we may shine in some areas but struggle in others and we may wonder why as we, ourselves do not have that problem but we are all unique and have our own funny ways. I truly hope you can find ways to resolve it and that you can continue to enjoy what is otherwise a good relationship.

I think the fact that you do far more housework than him is a big red flag in itself tbh. The fact that he then stonewalls you if you try and redress the balance shows that he's a dick.
Why not go on strike for a bit and refuse to do any housework and/ or talk to him whilst on said housework strike? I bet you a tenner he will throw a big, noisy tantrum.

Some men do have trouble with the Having A Talk scenario. I would in the first instance try using some different strategies to get what you want. If you want him to do more housework, try asking him to do specific tasks. If he's a keeper he will come to understand what you want more help with, but some men respond better to being asked simply and clearly.

Different approach here. If he's coming in half an hour later, does that mean he has longer working hours or commute? Does he do a fair share once he IS home? If so then perhaps you are quibbling unfairly over the half hour of extra housework - you are both working the same amount just doing different things.

I realize you are looking for more generic advice on him shutting you out (and the housework issue was just an example), but you already have lots of great advice for that upthread :-)

This has nothing to do with him being a man - the Men Are From Mars comments are not helpful. My mother behaves like this. Its absolutely horrible OP - so hurtful and isolating and designed to make you feel over dramatic and unreasonable.

If he really did need extra time to think, he should tell you that, not sit there with a blank face in silence. I am very low contact with my mother (for this and other reasons) as trying to have a relationship with her just sucks the life out of me. It shouldn't be such hard painful work

I would be very cautious. I am afraid that my own DH brings out this trait in any serious argument and I find it very difficult to deal with.

This is a little personality trait that can grow and flourish under the right conditions, such as external stresses or situations where you are vulnerable and need his support. As your relationship develops and the years go by it becomes harder and harder to 'leave the pub' - you may have a small child or be financially dependent on him.