Relationship ended. Can't understand how he can be so indifferent about it.

[roadtorouen]

My 3 year relationship has just ended and I'm having a hard time dealing with it. I ended it because I was fed up with him playing games and treating me like the bottom of his list. We didn't live together but I viewed it as a serious long term relationship. We had talked about marriage, kids, a future, everything. Now it's like I don't exist to him.

I am 26 and he is 32, so it's about the age people settle down. It used to be as near to perfect as I imagined a relationship could be. We did everything together, were really close. Then, about 6 months ago, he suddenly became distant. Didn't want to see me much or discuss things. Refused to book a holiday with me. Stopped acting the way he used to. I thought something was going on with a girl he works with but never got any proof of this. I just couldn't work out why he became so distant. Then he started lying about things (said he was going to wedding receptions/ birthday parties of work friends then I found out he'd actually been to nightclubs with work colleagues (men) who were about 10 years younger than him. I thought it seemed like he was hanging around with them to attract younger women.)

About a month ago, he stopped arranging to see me and wouldn't answer to my calls or texts until about a day after. I texted him several times trying to arrange a meeting to sort things out, as I knew it wasn't right. He ignored my requests and I eventually got a text saying "I'd like to be able to fix things but I can't think of any way around it. It feels strange and it won't be the same."

I replied "It won't be the same. If you wanted to fix things, you would have by now." I then decided that was it. I stopped contacting him. This was a week ago and I've heard nothing since.

It really hurts because it's like he doesn't care at all. He hasn't even tried to save the relationship and I've seen photos of him out in pubs with friends - he's not even bothered. How can someone change so much? It's as if 3 years meant nothing to him. What about all this talk of marrying me and a future together - did he not mean any of that? How can someone be so cold and indifferent towards someone they supposedly loved?

I feel like a disposable piece of rubbish. Thrown out and deleted from someone's life like I never even mattered. He has told so many lies about me that other people are basically applauding him. Probably told all his friends I was clingy and insecure, exactly what he used to say about his ex. Funny how it's ended right before my birthday so he didn't even have to take me out or buy me a card. I bet he doesn't even text me on my birthday either.

There is this anger inside me now that is building up and threatening to explode. I want to tell him exactly what I think of him but I can't. I don't want to give him the satisfaction of knowing how he's made me feel. I can't believe I wasted almost three years of my life on this person and it's crazy but at times I wonder what he's doing and find myself missing him.

Feel so sad, like it's never going to get better.

I am completely with roadtorouen

Detach yourself
Delete phone numbers
Block facebook/twitter/email and anything else. Do not look at these accounts of his ever again
Don't talk to his family or mutual friends about him
Stop yourself thinking anything nice about him- memories
Don't waste energy on him- he could have done something worse and stayed. Detach yourself.
Treat yourself- hairs, clothes, make- up anything
Go out with friends or an a date - just fun
Have a project to work on- I decorated my sitting room, stripped the floor and made new curtains

Time will pass and you will feel better. And you will be ready to meet someone.

I have been there- twice in a row - first time I did all the wrong things, second I got it right. Then out of the blue, when I was happy with myself and not looking, DH walked into my life. Together over a year then got married. Have been married 5 years soon. 12 weeks pregnant today. Love him to bits and he loves me to bits and he has never ever treated me badly.
You will meet that person.

What a git. You're so much better off without him. Give it a few weeks and you'll be shuddering at your lucky escape

Thank you for all your lovely replies. It's made me realise that it's no loss and I will move on, in time :)

I visited his workplace today (he a manager in a shop, but has Saturdays off, thank god) and saw the girl I suspected he cheated on me with. Part of me wanted to ask her if anything happened but then I realised that would be stupid and I held my head high and walked past. I think I saw her look at me, she must recognise me from Facebook etc. I don't even know if they are together but I suspect something happened.

He has not contacted me and I don't expect him to, even though I still have things of his that he won't come and collect. My birthday is in a few days and that will be hard. He used to always do something special for me and it hurts that he will probably completely ignore it. Yet if I don't expect any acknowledgement, it won't affect me. I'm trying hard to forget him.

Can you box up the stuff and tell him to come get it within say two weeks or it will be binned

And don't go near his shop again. You'll look like a stalker. Or that you just can't stay away from him.

Good point winkers

I'm so sorry to hear this has happened to you, you must be going through hell right now. I think you've already been given some good advice but I really wanted to reccommend this book to you, it's helped me a lot.

Paul McKenna, I can mend your broken heart. Check out the reviews on Amazon, the exercises in it are really helpful.

Good luck, don't look back and have an amazing birthday!

Just want to add - I actually had to buy something from the shop he works in. I wasn't going in to stalk him/her. Really don't care that much about either of them.

Not caring that much is definitely a step forward. :)

Your ex is very short in the integrity department. It hurts badly to be cut off like that, so don't be surprised if you feel OK, then miserable, by turns for a while. It's a shock really, and it takes a while to get over that.

Try to set up some treats for your birthday. Don't let him spoil it. Go out with friends if you can!

No it's a large high street department store with lots of sections. I wasn't in the section he manages. I used to work there too and I feel like I shouldn't avoid a place I like with friends I used to work with, just because of him.

I was watching a talk show the other day about relationships and one woman didn't delete phone numbers from her phone after breakups but changed the name to "The Past". She had several phone numbers with the name "The Past" so when they came in she didn't know which one it was and she sure as hell didn't pick up. And she never dialed out on any name with the name "The Past".

I thought it was a pretty good idea.

Stay strong. He grieved the loss of your relationship 6 months ago. He just didn't tell you. By the time you realized it, he was totally over it.

Think of it as a lucky escape.

You don, t want to build a life and have kids with a man this flakey...

Bogey,loved your reply,so true mine did the same after 15 years,but I left and have never been happier [happy]

Oops no happy here

Sorry this is happening to you road,didn't mean to hijack

Don't contact him about his stuff. He will either not reply at all, or will get one of his mates to reply or collect the stuff. Just either put it on eBay or bin it, depending on what it's worth. If he had behaved decently I wouldn't say that, but there you go.

There is a good column from Garrison Keillor years aim about getting over a relationship. Will dig out the link and post it.

I've had break ups before but this feels so much worse. I've been fine generally but the odd thing makes me think of him and I get really sad. Was making a playlist for a night out and a song came on that reminded me of when we went away for his birthday last year. We had a lovely evening and played this song in the hotel room before we went out for dinner. Ended up feeling really depressed about it.

Hope you don't mind me posting here. It helps to write it down. Some days I don't care about him but other days I miss him loads and wish he would text. Feel pathetic for thinking that after how he's behaved.

I don't think you're pathetic, I think you're a nice normal person who felt a deep sense of attachment to someone you'd been together with for years--of course you feel very sad and miss what you had in the past. You're not a cowardly psycho jerk like him!

It will get easier. I have always found that writing down rants somewhere helps.

It's your thread, road. If it helps to post, do. It's better to let it out here than try to get in touch with him; and besides, I believe it does help to write things down.

Breaking up is hard, but IMO, this kind of breakup is especially painful.
Don't be too hard on yourself.

It's really really hard. You're not in any way pathetic.

You felt you had a strong, loving relationship. You invested in that. You had done and were doing things that are part of that kind of relationship.

That has been taken away from you and it's totally natural that you're going to think very sadly of better times. Times when he was loving and attentive.

It's so weird when it suddenly changes. It feels so desolate and miserable.

It's tough. But with people like him, who have shut down and will not engage further, there is just no point in trying to pursue it. Even playing cool, avoiding contact and acting proud in the hope he will come back in response won't work.

Remember all the fantastic times but do not forget how shittily he treated you at the end. He is a yellow bellied wimp for not ending it like a proper person should. Now you are left to deal with a kind of limbo.

You know, you will have brilliant, happy times again. Absolutely.

You will. You think you won't. You think you will always feel so sad about this chap but you won't.

You will spend time moping a bit and feeling sorry for yourself, as you should, but then you will get bored of that and start to look about again. Not for romance but new things, new interests, new friends, new holidays, new experiences. Honestly. Take it from an old bag like me!