Why is DP not my DP?

[Hurr1cane]

I've known him forever, been with him 2 years, he supports me with my disabled DS a lot, I support him, but we can't love together because of major routine differences.

Someone (on MN) has just told me that he's not my DP but only my BF and has made me feel really shit and that my relationship doesn't count just because we don't live together

I also wondered why people were suddenly trying to convince me that my DP was somehow being abusive because he's a bit of a clown. It wasn't him in the wrong today, I was tired and grumpy and he would have annoyed me whatever he'd done. Not that I let on, I just laughed and decided that I'd definitely need a nap before I picked up DS if I was losing my patience with DP.

It's just really upset me that people feel they are allowed to question the seriousness of my relationship just because I don't live with my 'chosen male human' and because DS isn't his.

That doesn't sound easy at all

It does make sense for him not to live with you but I would be quite sad about that. Does he ever stay over?

I'm really intrigued by this joke and your other Fred. Can I have a linky??

If introducing me to new people DP will just say "this is hurr1cane" and they'll say "Are you two courting? How do you put up with him"

Then DP will say that I'm a very patient person.

That's always been the way things go, so he's never called me his girlfriend and I've not said boyfriend since introducing my close nit friends to him when we first met.

DP is currently badgering me to come with him to toys r us because he NEEDS to buy my DS a new toy I do love him a lot

I can't do links as I'm on the app but anyone else is welcome to. It's called "to kill my DP" on AIBU

I shouldn't have posted there but I thought it was funny

He does stay over to be honest before him is was totally on my own with DS for years. The first night I went out and decided to have a me night, I saw him out, stopped to chat as I knew him and did something completely out of character and have been with him ever since. We're happy enough, it works for us, and his adult child (who isn't biologically his but she is his) sends DS birthday cards and asks after him, his parents always ask after him and buy him stuff, DS is invited to all family dos and weddings and christenings (which he isn't invited to by my horrible family) and I feel very lucky to have him and his family in my life.

Honestly, you two sound lovely. I don't think MN can stand to hear about healthy relationships these days.

I would say that 'partner' tends to be used as 'living like we are married but aren't actually married' so in your case, would probably not use it, but then it's unusual to live together when you are commited to each other IYSWIM.

Oh OP I feel your pain.

I got into a bit of lather and nearly committed murder on a similar thread a few months back.

While I agree that it is annoying that some people call their latest boyf their "partner" after 5 minutes, this is clearly not the case with you and your DP.

And comments like "It seems very unusual not to be living together" is such an old fashioned view. Raskova! Not every couple met at 16, got married at 20 etc and stay together for life you know! There are so many different kinds of families nowadays and I think a lot of people are rather sneery about them

FWIW I don't live with my DP. WE live 20 miles apart and have kids that are settled a ttheir respective schools, and we both live very close to our DC's other parents to enable co-parenting. He is most definitely my DP

Take no notice. And be happy!

Thank you we do work, we rarely argue, and when we do it's usually over quite quickly. If he annoys me I'll then my phone off for an hour, he'll ignore me for an hour because he's scared he's annoyed me, then we will calm down and carry on speaking as normal without realising we've ignored each other until we laugh about it the next day.

We aren't perfect, our situation is complicated but we are happy and committed.

We talk about living together in the future. Have even spoken about maybe doing half a week each and looking after DS between us, but I want to get his medical situation under control first as I'm to and from the hospital every week at the moment.

I find there can be an element of snobbishness on MN wrt the boyfriend/partner label. Its often said in a sneery way to let you know your relationship is not of equal importance to theirs (or other partnered folk). I dont know why. Of course if you have been with him 2 years and intend to be together long term then you have made a decision to commit to him and he is a partner. Dont allow others to make you feel different about what you know is the reality. You know what your relationship is. Thats really what matters.

Out of practice, I don't mean it in a sneery or snide way at all but it isn't the usual. This makes it unusual. I'm certainly not wearing any judgey pants.

I'll have a look in AIBU but I imagine it's right at the bottom by now. You can link on phone. You put the start and at the end.

the reason i think why i don't put BF for boyfriend on here is that it's easily mistaken for "best friend"

(like when people put DF for "fiancé" and some people interpret that as "father" - can be awkward!)

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable

Nope

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2112005-To-kill-DP

My DP (or OH) by definition on this site is just my BF, because we don't live together full time, or finances are not tied.
We live apart because of distance (only 80 miles) but my daughter is doing her A levels here, he has young children where he lives.
We both have jobs near to our homes.
The aim is for me to move when my daughter goes to uni.
I have sat with him through a diagnosis of cancer, surgery etc, he is the first person I go to with my (trivial in comparison) problems.
Although our finances are separate, we consider our income 'ours'
He is my DP.

It is unusual, I appreciate that. But why do people have to be so mean about it.

"Do you mean BF?"

It made me feel a bit like we don't matter just because our circumstances are difficult.

He sounds lovely, you sound lovely and you as a unit sound lovely. Don't know what I would call you but it really doesn't matter what anyone calls you, it matters how you feel.

Maybe you don't mean it in a sneery way Raskova. Maybe nobody does. But that is very often how it comes across and how it feels. It is clearly how the OP feels it.

The "smug married" attitude is very much alive and well in my experience. Even more so on MN than in RL.

"Usual" is often, in these instances, interchangable with "normal" and that grates tbh

Rachael, we also sort of consider our income 'ours' sort of. If he has extra money he'll sub me, if I have extra ill sub him, we don't really talk about it like that but it just happens. We just sort of exist together but don't live together. If we did we would probably see each other even less because of extreme exhaustion tbh.

Your situation sounds like he is your DP. I don't see why you have to love together to be serious.

If you are in a committed long term relationship then I think it's fair enough to refer to him as your partner. But it's nobody's business really.

it's a term - and what you call your dp and what your living arrangements are is frankly none of anyone else's business.

I consider my dp to be my dp even though we don't live together. We plan to in the future, but currently the fact I have 50/50 with my ex and a ds about to go into secondary and dp has a job away from here living together isn't practically possible. We do spend every weekend together though. Or perhaps people would prefer dp quit his job and we lived here on benefits.

As for your other thread, tbh I think there are some mn'ers who won't be happy until they have convinced every woman on here that she is in an abusive relationship and should leave. A lot of people could do with some introductions to the real world.

I found it thanks for the link tho.

I actually laughed out loud at the trumping. He sounds great

I think that posters post was a bit strange to be honest. Like she said it just to make a bullshit point and make you feel bad. You certainly didn't have to explain yourself to them.

To your original question... Partner is when it's serious not when you move in. You could be together 5 years and then move in together. You wouldn't just become partners over night. What you had before and after didn't change. DDs DF was DP before we lived together.

I have a friend who bought a house and arranged a marriage before living with her DP. (And they lived quite far away so never spent more than two nights together previously) I did think that was strange because you'd want to make sure you could tolerate them, wouldn't you?

Nothing wrong with your relationship

Tbh I had a variant of the same issue. We weren't married so it didn't count. It was never serious. It doesn't feel good so I do apologise if my post upset you. Regardless of how I meant it, I am sorry.