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Original poster

Why is DP not my DP?

93 replies

Hurr1cane · 20/06/2014 17:53

I've known him forever, been with him 2 years, he supports me with my disabled DS a lot, I support him, but we can't love together because of major routine differences.

Someone (on MN) has just told me that he's not my DP but only my BF and has made me feel really shit and that my relationship doesn't count just because we don't live together Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
Hurr1cane · 20/06/2014 17:53

Live together not love together! Fat fingers

OP posts:
Whocansay · 20/06/2014 17:59

I would say he's a boyfriend too. You have no real ties and could walk away from each other at any time. But it's just a label. If you're happy and you are secure in your feelings, does it matter what anyone else thinks?

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 20/06/2014 17:59

A partner, to me, is someone who I plan on being with forever (whether we marry or not is irrelevent), and a boyfriend is someone who I am with at the moment and may or may not become a partner.

I couldnt plan on being with someone forever if we couldnt live together.

However I am.not you and all I have is my opinion. It isnt law.

eeyore125 · 20/06/2014 18:02

The words DP or BF shouldn't matter, it is what he does for both of you that counts.i.e. judge him by his actions.

Don't let a complete stranger on a forum make you question your relationship. They may have insecurities of their own.

LEMmingaround · 20/06/2014 18:03

None of their business. What a nasty thing to say to you -ignore

Original poster
Hurr1cane · 20/06/2014 18:04

I do plan on being with him forever, and we do have ties, we couldn't just easily walk away, but we don't live together. I really don't see why that should make or break us? Forces families hardly see their husbands at times but it doesn't make them any less of a unit. It's really upset me, I know it's just a label but it's taken me bloody ages to be able to trust someone enough to fully let someone in my life, and I have, completely. But we can't live together, we may be able to in the future but right now, while he's working where he is and while DS doesn't sleep, it makes absolutely no sense to.

OP posts:
juneau · 20/06/2014 18:05

Surely partner and boyfriend are inter-changeable?

Kaekae · 20/06/2014 18:07

I think it is up to you to refer to him as you partner if that's how you feel. I don't think you need to live together to be partners?! I know married couples who live in separate houses!

Original poster
Hurr1cane · 20/06/2014 18:07

Well I would probably have said he was my boyfriend when we weren't really serious, he hadn't met DS and DS hadn't fell in love with him etc.

OP posts:
SanityClause · 20/06/2014 18:08

Some married couples don't live together.

Call him what you like. If it's a partnership, he's your partner. If you love him, he's dear to you. So, DP is fine.

But TBH, I don't know how you can put up with someone who says that terrible mushroom joke. My Dad says that, FFS!

storynanny2 · 20/06/2014 18:09

I don't really like the term partner, but the alternative of boyfriend seems a bit odd in my case, ie been living together 10years Unmarried and aged 57! Someone did call me oh's girlfriend the other day and I inwardly cringed.
I am on the fence re the original posters question.

ProtegeMoi · 20/06/2014 18:10

I see them as interchangeable, depending on who I am talking to I say girlfriend or partner. No difference in my eyes.

Raskova · 20/06/2014 18:10

Can I ask what is so drastic that it stops you living together? It seems very unusual not to be living together but it really isn't anyone's business but yours and his.

Lots of people live together with very different routines.

Original poster
Hurr1cane · 20/06/2014 18:10

Santy... That's not the worst joke he tells. It's really not. His best friend is the same... He was going to invite him round mine tonight for a drink so I'd have had two of them here mushrooming, I've managed to out him off though Smile

OP posts:
Wholenewsituation · 20/06/2014 18:11

I hate the term partner. I have friends who call fellas they have been with for a matter of weeks a partner.

runningonwillpower · 20/06/2014 18:12

He is whatever you think he is. If you feel emotionally bound to the extent of partnership, then he is your DP. Only you and he can know the depth of your commitment and partnership, regardless of your living arrangements.

To give a converse example, there is a columnist who, several years ago, wrote an article defending her decision to describe the father of her child as her boyfriend. As far as I remember they lived together. Now, that seemed daft to me. Has she never seen Young Frankenstein?

By all means describe this man as your partner if that is the depth of your relationship.

Casmama · 20/06/2014 18:13

There can be a tendency for people to refer to someone as DP when they have been dating for 5 minutes. To me a DP is someone that you have made a commitment to which is generally moving in together.

However, it is your relationship and your right to refer to him however you like and that is what is important not the opinion of ransoms on the internet- me included.

Xcountry · 20/06/2014 18:13

Why do you care what anyone else thinks? Surely Its what matters to you.

lettertoherms · 20/06/2014 18:14

I couldn't understand why your nice, entertaining thread took that turn. You can't make any post on mn now without someone trying to "call you out" on something, or questioning your relationship. Ugh.

I think of a boyfriend as someone you're dating exclusively, and a partner as someone you're seriously committed to, who you hope to spend a lifetime with, regardless of current livng situation.

The "partner means you're living together" is some arbitrary mn stance that's gained more and more fire lately.

MirandaWest · 20/06/2014 18:14

I don't like the word partner. But equally feel a bit silly calling my boyfriend my boyfriend. Don't think I'll call him my partner even when we do live together though.

I agree that people who've been with someone a few weeks and calling them their partner does seem a bit weird to me.

Original poster
Hurr1cane · 20/06/2014 18:15

DS has autism and a complex array of medical issues and disabilities.

DP works from 3pm to 3am, gets in at 3-4am ish give or take a few hours, then wants to stay up and watch tv and wind down before bed.

DS doesn't sleep much, we will go up at 8 then wake at 10 then awake till 12 etc throughout the entire night. DS has bat like hearing and would just get up and come down to DP of he knew he was there and would refuse to sleep.

Then DP needs to sleep in the day. Which is ok when DS is at school as I can then have a kip too, but often he is at home having seizures and then generally being very loud.

We'd never get any sleep between us.

As it stands, he is a lodger at his mates house for fairly cheap, he goes home, gets lots of sleep and goes to his 12 hour shifts. If I haven't slept for a few days/ DS is really poorly he will come to mine from work and take over to let me get a bit of sleep, but it' it's not really doable long term.

OP posts:
WillieWaggledagger · 20/06/2014 18:15

i write dp on here but call him my boyfriend in real life. we have been together ten years, live together and own a house together. just say what feels right to you

wallypops · 20/06/2014 18:16

My DP and I are planning to retire together some 20 years away, but are unlikely to be able to live together for another 5 years or so, because of kids - he has 50/50 so cant move nearer to me and because I have 2 business where I live, which are dependant on location so I can't move closer to him. I have kids too, and they go to their dad eow.

We still manage to spend 8 nights out of 14 together and that seems to be ok for us for now.

But my DP is definitely more than a BF.

Original poster
Hurr1cane · 20/06/2014 18:17

Partner isn't even a term I use in RL, I just call him by his name. But I don't really meet any new people.

OP posts:
WillieWaggledagger · 20/06/2014 18:21

he calls me his "live-in chum"

(see blackadder)