I Can't be bothered to have sex anymore

[DalmationStripe]

both me and DP are in our early twenties, we have 2 Young DC. We've been together for 5 years.

Since the birth of DC2 (nearly a year ago) I've completely gone off sex. DP hasn't and he's starting to feel resentful.

When I get into bed at night, I literally just fall asleep instantly.

For some reason I completely lost my confidence after DC2 was born and just feel really self conscious and ugly which I've admitted to DP.

I feel like I could happily never have sex again. DP has started saying that I obviously don't fancy him anymore which isn't true. I've told him this.

The longest we go without sex is 2/3 weeks, but this is only because I feel guilty and give in. I can't be bothered with the argument it causes.

I don't know how we can overcome this.

I really don't know how to overcome this.

I haven't really got any advice, want wanted to say you are not alone. Am in similar situ, except I manage to avoid sex for 2/3 months!

There are various factors that can cause this to happen, and the sheer tiredness that comes looking after two small children all day is a big one.

Other things to consider, though:
Is sex painful when you have it, was there any scarring or damage from the last birth? It might be worth having a word with your GP if you think that might be an issue.

Is your DP pulling his weight domestically? Does he look after the DC sometimes to give you a break, does he do his share of cooking/cleaning/laundry, or does he come home from work and put his feet up? A man who doesn't do enough domestic work is demonstrating that he thinks his female partner is his servant rather than his equal, and it's easy for sex to feel like another chore the woman is expected to perform for the man's benefit.

Did you enjoy sex with him before you had children? Some men are, to be blunt, absolutely rubbish at sex, either selfish or incompetent. When you are still 'madly in love' with such a man you can get some enjoyment out of sex, but when that fades, and he's still doing it all wrong, or only interested in his own gratification, it can get pretty boring.

Do you think you might have PND? You mention losing confidence generally and feeling miserable - this might be part of the problem as well.

Hope some of this helps.

Thanks for replying. It's shit isn't it?

I'm absolutely sure I will get royally flamed for this but because I have seen so many relationships flounder on this particular issue, I made myself a promise when I got married the first time, that I would never say no to sex, because saying no becomes a habit.

I had had a LTR before my marriage and I never really wanted sex after the first year or so - like a blockage in my head - and we were in our early 20s.

Clearly with young kids, you are going to be completely fucking knackered pretty much all the time, but the good that comes with having a regular quicky (bonding, happiness, good hormone thingys) seem to outweigh the negatives. So maybe with some frank discussion on the fact that marathon sex is not on the cards, but some cuddling, a massage and quicky might be.

I just want to say that I have been through exactly the same.

I have 3 DCs who are 8, 6 and 2. After the first one, DP didn't pull his weight, I was working full time as well as caring for the DC and doing all of the housework. Every time we had sex in the following years, the other DC were conceived - that's how bad it got.

I did still fancy him and love him but I also hated him, resented him and the more guilt trips he put me on to have sex with him the more I hated it.

I knew it was getting to a point recently when it was make or break - the not having sex became the massive elephant in the room and it even felt uncomfortable to watch sex scenes on telly! He used to accuse me of getting it elsewhere when in fact all I wanted him to do was be nicer to me and take the pressure off a bit - he had a lie in every day nearly while I struggled with the 3 kids!

Now they have got older, he suddenly seems to have clicked. He has been much nicer to me, helping out with little things like bath time (Little but makes life for me easier!) and I don't know if my hormones have also settled but things have just got back on track. We aren't rampant by any means but it's steady and it seems to make him nicer, which then makes me and the DC happier.

So I think what I'm saying is give yourself a break, tell him you need help and please don't have sex with him just because he is making you feel guilty about it as it makes you feel even shitter. A bit of time and a bit of help can make all the difference.

Thanks solid. I did always enjoy it before. DP is very good and not selfish at all when it comes to sex. But I do feel too self concious to do alot of the things we previously found enjoyable.

He doesn't help with the kids much. He works mon-fri and I work sat-sun, so obviously he looks after them on those days but when we are together, it's always me that does everything for them. They don't sleep through the night and its me that deals with both of them. I do see sex as a chore.

I am feeling a bit down, but it's not PND. I had PMD afterDC1 was born so I know what that's like.

I have to say I agree with wallypops comment.

Marking my place for useful advice.

I'm the DH in this case, DW has a rock bottom libido and has for a few years (DCs 3 and 5), I've done everything that SGB suggests (and more after previous threads on MN) and asked many times if I'm doing anything wrong, what I need to change, what I need to do. I don't initiate anything any more and when it does happen it feels wrong, fortunately only on Stars66 frequency. I'm reluctant to refuse due to body confidence issues with DW, feel a fraud really.

I don't think it's that uncommon either, probably due to the reasons SGB mentions!

Thanks for sharing your experience rio, that's exactly how I feel. I'm glad you managed to sort things out with your DH.

Wally, I see exactly what you're saying. But just thinking about saying yes every time just makes me want to cry. I physically couldn't do it.

Agree with wallypops, I often feel the same as you but for the sake if your relationship I think a quicky every few days is worth it, you could try seeing a councillor or some sort of other therapy?

Lovely to see a thoughtful reply from a man. I am also male and have found this board a real eye opener and a fantastic resource. More men should just read it.

OP, I think your DP needs to do his share of the night wakings! If he is getting 7 nights a week of peaceful sleep and you are getting none, then it's no wonder you are both too tired for sex and feeling too resentful to want it.

Even if he works 5 days a week, he could do ONE weekend night, and perhaps take DC out for a morning so you could stay in bed. Lack of sleep is awful and, when it goes on and on, it can poision every aspect of your life.

Please don't just have sex with him to make him feel better; sex is for both of you and doing it when you physically and mentally don't want to will just make you resent him (and yourself) even more.

I agree with other posters, you don't feel like it because your tired. He needs to help you more and also he need's to romance you a bit more, I would take the pressure off and not talk about sex, but instead focus on trying to please each other in other ways, and I think you could try to build up your confidence by doing things that make you feel good. The sex should follow naturally when your libido increases after you have got to the root of the problem. And there is no time limit either, you will feel like it again when you are ready. Being a mother is hard, and I know that after kids, it is all to easy to forget about yourself and forget about what you need to be turned on. Keep the lines of communication open and start off with small steps, as well as being more affectionate. I've been with my partner for over 10 years and have been through similar so I know where you are coming from.

First of all, I don't think you can have a healthy relationship without sex, unless both parties have low sex drives and have an agreement that hardly having sex works for them.

So this isn't something that you can just accept and tell your husband to deal with. There are other posts of women in the reverse situation, and having told them it's not fair that their partner ignores their sexual needs completely, I am not about to turn around and say differently to you.

So you can't just ignore this. However, that does not mean forcing yourself to have sex when you don't want to. That's something no-one should ever do, even the thought of it is awful.

However, you do need to work out why you are feeling this way and figure out a way forwards. And most of all you need to talk to your partner about it.

You need to figure out what's on your mind and get it straight in your head before discussing it, and recognise that he might need some time to get his own thoughts in line, so it will probably take a few conversations.

From the sounds of it you need to address:

Whilst you appreciate that he does help with the children, you still feel like you are doing more than the lion's share, and it is leaving you exhausted. Is there any way that you two can figure out how to better manage the children when you are both there?

That you appreciate he is probably stressed as well, but it seems like your stress is affecting your libido. This is very common. It's important that you recognise that he is probably stressed with work as well though. Stress just affects people differently. What can you both do to help each other?

Your confidence is very low at the moment, and you need some time to work on that. This is something that you do actually need to do proactively. I'll do a separate reply on this. Your partner can help with this, but it's really you who determine your level of confidence to a degree.

You did enjoy sex with him beforehand, and he is a good lover. You really loved the fact that he wasn't a selfish lover in bed, and you would like to get back to being more sexually active. He will appreciate you saying this, because he is probably thinking that you think he is terrible in bed, and now the children are born you have no need to "tolerate" it!

Finally, you could suggest going to couple's counselling (something like relate?). Not because the marriage is in such a bad place that you need professional help, but because it might help to guide your discussions on these issues, and they might have some ideas that you guys won't think of.

Finally you both need to commit to taking this forward. You guys are a team - you can work on this together.

It's worrying that you think of sex as a chore - sex should be a wonderful thing which brings a couple closer together and continues to solidify their bond. You don't need to wait until you collapse in bed - try and work out different times that you guys could do something. Even if it's not sex straight away, maybe you could get the kids to your parents for an afternoon, have a date night, and kiss for a while.

For your confidence it's easier said than done with small children, but even small changes should help.

Make time to put a bit of make up on every day - not for your husband, but for YOU. It takes 3 minutes or less to whack on a bit of concealer under your eyes, put on some mascara and whack some lipstick on. It isn't a waste of time, because you should take pride in how you look. That doesn't necessarily mean that you have to wear make up, but when your confidence is low, it can help because you are forcing yourself to commit to the idea that you are worth those three minutes.

Do you have time to do just a tiny bit of exercise during the week? There are blogilates exercise clips on youtube which last ten minutes. Incorporate your children if you need to. Let them dance around next to you, or use smaller children as weights! The endorphins should help your mood, and if you are conscious about your body even a little, regularly, will help.

See if there's any way that you can see your friends more. If they have young children too, try a coffee morning with the kids to entertain each other. Otherwise the money for a baby sitter every now and then will be worth the increase to your sanity.

Work out what you are actually doing at the moment, and then figure out if there's anything that you could, iif necessary, stop doing. Or do less. Sure the hoovering might not get done for a bit longer, but that's time you can use working on your confidence.

There is some really good advice being offered here. I definitely went off sex immediately after I had each child. It is natures way, combined with BF of stopping you conceiving straight after a birth, isn't it ? However I knew that refusing to have sex could easily become a habit and it would be not be healthy. I did not want to make my husband miserable either as he is always up for it. I suggested to him that he have sex with me, more or less when he wanted to as I would eventually get going with some stimulus. If he gets aroused then I get aroused. If I didn't , it wasn't much effort anyway to think of England and let him get on with it. He wasn't very keen on my not being very involved ( he drew the line at my reading my book) as he is very kind caring sensitive person. But I needed to get over not wanting to do it. I certainly did not want him to give up wanting me. Eventually with a bit of patience on both sides, righted its self. We had short quickies and then when I felt better, longer leisurely sessions. So to sum up, going off sex when you have had a baby appears to be normal. However if you have not had sex for months I think you should seek help. I have much better toe curling orgasms now than when we first married, so persevere, it will be worth it!

Kaykay, putting on makeup doesn't automatically make women feel better. Not everyone likes to wear it. For someone as tired and stressed as the OP, make up could be one more unnecessary chore.

you're knackered. schedule some 'me time', regularly. haven't read the thread but hopefully there is a grandma who can do childcare. when you get time to be you, regularly so that it can have a cumulative effect, you'll feel better about everything including sex.

Exhaustion from two non-sleeping kids would kill even the most active libido. It will come back, especially if you had fun and enjoyed yourselves beforehand. How can you get through this period- just know it passes, although in our case it was over years not months, try to get more rest, talk about it, I also think saying 'no' can get habitual and that's a shame- but honestly, two tiny kids, up all night, no wonder you are not really that keen. You are young though so there is hope:)

Suck it up... More you do
It themore you may want too . Good luck

so you never had a day in the week when both of you are off work? not surprising then that you are always tired - it's either kids full time or work all day. Could you change that?

have, not 'had'.

I was made to have sex 6 weeks after every baby(3). And then every week for 30 years. Don't have sex if you don't want to. Do not, 'suck it up'. I am 55 and cannot stand my husband touching me, even though we now sleep in separate rooms.

Sex without consent is rape.

Being raped repeatedly isn't exactly going to increase anyone's libido.

I find it quite shocking what some women still find as normal behaviour in a marriage. :-(

OP- have a day home alone without DC or DP, go to bed and try to reconnect with your body.

If it's been a while take it slow. Don't assume sex with DP means piv. Keep the lights off if you are feeling self conscious.

But if you actually have no interest then tell DP and don't do it again. The worst thing to do is to 'let him' when you don't want to.