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Original poster

What would you think?

45 replies

Justtrumpeditstinks · 20/06/2014 00:31

Nc for this.

My partner rarely has sex with me. Twice since Christmas in fact.
He doesn't Kiss me and if I try to have a hug he removes me after a few seconds. He doesn't do foreplay and it's always a quicky. He prefers me turned around facing the other way. It's been like this for the past 10 years.

Tonight he has come in from the pub drunk and told me he would rather masturbate than have sex with me.

I'm devastated. I feel ugly and like shit. I'm 31 not 80!

I'm now sleeping on the couch crying into my pillow.

OP posts:
Elderflowergranita · 20/06/2014 00:34

How awful for you Op. Why are you with this sorry excuse for a human being.

You're young. You deserve a wonderful relationship. Leave him.

No one deserves to be treated this way. Do you have children together?

Original poster
Justtrumpeditstinks · 20/06/2014 00:36

Yes we have 3 lovely kids.

I just don't understand what's wrong with me and why doesn't he like me that way?

I see him looking at other women all the time but not me.

OP posts:
Ludoole · 20/06/2014 00:38

Hes a prize twat!
He doesnt deserve to be with you.
Let him take his hand elsewhere and find someone who appreciates.

MrsDowneyJunior · 20/06/2014 00:38

My ex went like this. It made me hate him and myself. I got out. I now only hate him and have realised I'm hot!! Wink

solosolong · 20/06/2014 00:40

That sounds awful. How upsetting. It is clearly him who has a problem though, and not you. I wouldn't accept this. If he isn't willing to see this as a problem and try to address it, then you need to think about finding a better life. I can really understand how bad this must make you feel, but it is not about you being unattractive - he obviously has a massive issue with intimacy and sex.

Nagoo · 20/06/2014 00:41

I'd think I deserved better than this.

You deserve better than this.

Original poster
Justtrumpeditstinks · 20/06/2014 00:42

I've even thought he was gay at one point because he just refuses to come near me. I feel like a leper.

He sees me crying and tells me to grow up.

OP posts:
foadmn · 20/06/2014 00:45

find someone else, sweetie.

he might be aspie, and have difficulty with physical closeness (some, but not all aspies do) but even if he has a reason for his behaviour, he isn't making you happy.

move on.

Original poster
Justtrumpeditstinks · 20/06/2014 00:52

We've been together for 17 years, what a waste.

OP posts:
myroomisatip · 20/06/2014 01:13

Well, I understand that you feel those years were wasted but you have your lovely DC. But, dont waste any more years. You are young and you do deserve better.

Please make plans to get out.

Original poster
Justtrumpeditstinks · 20/06/2014 01:25

I'm truly gutted.

OP posts:
WellWhoKnew · 20/06/2014 01:45

Sure you are. Anyone who treats you like that is going to result in your self-esteem tunnelling into the basement to escape.

You are in your early thirties - you can command a helluva lot of sex, if you choose to.

Just not with him.

Time to accept that this isn't working for you, and make plans to move on.

JapaneseMargaret · 20/06/2014 01:51

Of course you're gutted. How could you not be.

But think how much worse you will feel in 20 or 30 years, still with him.

You - and your children - deserve better than being with someone who doesn't even like you. Thanks

tallwivglasses · 20/06/2014 02:11

31? That's when my life began. Yours can too. Get out. Please

AcrossthePond55 · 20/06/2014 02:17

You have 3 lovely children, so the 17 years hasn't been totally wasted.

You know, the first thing reading this my 'gaydar' went off, loudly. Sometimes closeted men look at other women overtly to assure themselves & anyone looking that they can't possibly be gay, "hey, after all I'm checking out this hot chick". Or maybe he's one of those 'mommy boys' who are unable to be sexually aroused by their wives once they become mothers. It really doesn't matter why though, does it?

But bottom line is, you deserve much better. He's not even attempting to be polite or compassionate to you. If he cared about you one iota he would have tried to explain what is causing his lack of desire for you & tried to figure out what to do about it. It seems he actually goes out of his way to be cruel to you. My opinion is that for whatever reason, he is trying to drive you away because he is too much of a coward to end the marriage himself.

In this instance, I'd let him 'win'. Leave. Get your financial affairs in order and see a solicitor first, but leave you must. And in the meantime, treat him as if he has a contagious disease. Do not approach him for any physical/sexual contact. He will reject you and you will feel that much worse. Whatever it is that drives him to act the way he is, there is no way for you to cure it.

Again, you deserve to be with someone who will value you as a person and as a lover.

wafflyversatile · 20/06/2014 02:41

Better to waste 17 years than 25.

Wrapdress · 20/06/2014 03:19

I would rule out things like bad breath and body order and then wonder, gay?

mammadiggingdeep · 20/06/2014 05:22

You're too young to put up with this. You can't carry on for another 40 years like this?!!!!

How dare he treat you like you're unworthy of him? He should end it if he feels that way.

mrsspagbol · 20/06/2014 06:02

Please listen to Acrossthepond - life is too short.

MaryWestmacott · 20/06/2014 06:55

You've been with him since you were 14? So am I right that he's the only person you've slept with? Are you the only partner he's had? That also has my gaydar pinging, if he's been with you since he was a child, then he's not had chance to explore his sexuality. Or it could be he's met someone else and is preparing himself to be "allowed" to have an affair "we don't have sex any more" is often trotted out by men looking to justify shit behaviour, ignoring the fact they only stopped sleeping with their dw after they'd met someone else they fancied...

Anyway, that's not your problem, I'd be asking him to leave, make a diary of when he says stuff like that, you can use that as "unreasonable behaviour" if you want a divorce.

If he's just being an arse, perhaps throwing him out might shock him into realising that actually, you have a choice and might not want him either.

bleedingheart · 20/06/2014 07:10

You know, the first thing reading this my 'gaydar' went off, loudly. Sometimes closeted men look at other women overtly to assure themselves & anyone looking that they can't possibly be gay, "hey, after all I'm checking out this hot chick".

This was my first thought too.

You don't deserve to be treated with such contempt.

Back2Two · 20/06/2014 07:16

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn due to privacy concerns

Lovingfreedom · 20/06/2014 07:17

He's a wanker. Ditch him. You can be much happier without him.

McFox · 20/06/2014 07:45

What a horrible way to have to live. No wonder you are upset.

You really need to think about leaving - life is way too short for this kind of shit. I left my abusive ex at 33 and my life is wonderful now at 38; you'll never know how good it can be until you try. You know that you deserve better than this, so please consider how much happier you could be on your own, or in a relationship where you are respected and treated with respect.

MaryWestmacott · 20/06/2014 07:56

Oh and at 31, most of my friends hadn't met or were only first dating their DHs, you might feel 'old' because you've been with him for so long, but compared to most woman in the UK, you are still in the 'young, dating' group!

I'd tell him you'd like him to leave. See what happens. If you have always been there, for your whole adult life, the fact that you might not just take his shit could be a huge shock to him! That you have a choice to not want him, that he has to be 'an improvement' to your life to be allowed to share it probably hasn't occured to him.

What does he give you? Finances, with 3 DCs and a marriage, you're not going to end up penniless, worth looking into what you could get.He gives you no emotional support, no physical tenderness, and no kindness. I would have thought being on your own with the DCs would be a vast improvement.

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