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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What would you think?

45 replies

Justtrumpeditstinks · 20/06/2014 00:31

Nc for this.

My partner rarely has sex with me. Twice since Christmas in fact.
He doesn't Kiss me and if I try to have a hug he removes me after a few seconds. He doesn't do foreplay and it's always a quicky. He prefers me turned around facing the other way. It's been like this for the past 10 years.

Tonight he has come in from the pub drunk and told me he would rather masturbate than have sex with me.

I'm devastated. I feel ugly and like shit. I'm 31 not 80!

I'm now sleeping on the couch crying into my pillow.

OP posts:

Original poster

Justtrumpeditstinks · 20/06/2014 08:58

We're not married, he asked me once then changed his mind.

He doesn't work, I do. He does the odd bit of tidying up and does the school drop off.

We get a small bit of tax credits and we live in a housing association home.

We got together when I was 15 and he was 19. He has had other partners including my ex best friend
If I try to talk about our problems he says it's because I'm a horrible person. Nobody else says I'm horrible and I'm sure I'm not.

OP posts:

MrsDowneyJunior · 20/06/2014 09:38

OK that is abuse. You need to get out. You've been with him since you were a child so it's no surprise it's scary to leave or hard to imagine a different life, but what you've described is abuse. Read the book Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft, leave and never look back.

MaryWestmacott · 20/06/2014 09:59

Is the tenency in both names? Can you go to the HA and ask about being rehoused without him or ask him ot leave? It doesn't sound like you'd be worse off financially, does the school have breakfast and after school clubs you could use?

You aren't a horrible person, if you were that bad, he'd have left or asked you to leave and stayed looking after the DCs without you.

Lovingfreedom · 20/06/2014 10:19

You are in a better position if you are not married given that you are the bread winner. Yes investigate your housing options with the HA. Also if you speak to a citizens advice then you will get a better idea of your broader options and financial implications.

Quitelikely · 20/06/2014 10:26

You do know that you can get tax credits to pay for your childcare don't you? Or a substantial amount towards the cost anyway.

He is treating you like dirt. If your so horrible why is he with you.

Please please do not accept his behaviour towards you. Life is for living, being happy and enjoyment. That's your entitlement. He is taking those basic things away from you.

Have a think about what you want and deserve from life

MrsDowneyJunior · 20/06/2014 10:59

I have such a bad feeling about this, there are so many red flags. I think you need to leave and take the kids with you, but I think you need to be smart about it. I think you should start keeping a diary now of every time he says this abusive, nasty stuff to you, every phone call, every text, every conversation and god forbid if he starts anything else then every single scrap of evidence you can.

hellsbellsmelons · 20/06/2014 11:09

Wow - that's just abuse, pure and simple.
No-one now will tell you anything other than 'get the hell away from this vile person'

You should contact Womens Aid.
Will he leave if you pack his bags and kick his arse to the curb?
If he won't and he's a nasty piece of work then Womens Aid will help you with an exit plan.

He's is a cocklodging, wanking, abusive, arsehole.
Time for you to put yourself first and stop putting up with this nasty bully!

BitOutOfPractice · 20/06/2014 11:12

Wwhat hellsbells said with bells on!

I bet you are not a horrible person. But I know that he is!

Kick him out!

Phone the HA again to find out your options

Good luck!

kaykayblue · 20/06/2014 12:57

Hi OP have you made your decision?

Because this is not a relationship. It's not a "waste" of 17 years. It's 17 years of experiences and lessons learnt and three lovely children.

But it's time to accept that this is not a relationship anymore. This is basically an abusive, money grabbing lodger!

I understand that if you've only really ever been with this one man then it might seem "normal", but it honestly honestly isn't. Or maybe you are worried that you will never find another partner. But darling, you are 31!! Most of the women I know didn't meet their (now husbands) until they were in their early thirties! The world is your oyster, so please don't settle for this ball of snot.

Please do take this advice seriously. There doesn't need to be a huge catastrophe in a relationship for someone to end it. Sometimes it's just a bad relationship.

That said, he really does sound like a prize A twunt. He proposed and then changed his mind? GOOD!! That means separating officially will be less expensive!!

I don't know if he is gay, but if he is it sounds like he has deeply deeply repressed it, and I would under no circumstances raise that possibility with you because he would likely become violent. But the fact that he will only accept sex with you unless you are on your front? That is telling.

AcrossthePond55 · 20/06/2014 14:26

But the fact that he will only accept sex with you unless you are on your front? That is telling.

Very true!

I know this is a scary thing to face, changing your life like this. Sometimes we want to hold on to the way things are just because it's familiar. But this man is like walking around with a 100 lb rock. You've been doing it so long you no longer really notice the weight. But once you drop that rock you'll see that you can now run, skip, and jump rather than just walk.

I agree that you need to solidify your position quietly. Speak to the HA about your ability to make him leave your home or about being rehoused if for some reason you can't (I don't know much about UK social housing rules) . Make sure your finances are in your name only. If they aren't now, open new bank accounts and prepare to transfer the money the instant you split. Try to find at least one person in RL in whom you can safely confide your plans and enlist their help. When BFF split with her ex, my DH got him to go hiking whilst she moved all her & her son's stuff out.

Again, you are young and you deserve much better than what you have. You won't be able to get it with him around your neck.

wannaBe · 20/06/2014 14:36

it's not you, it's him.

You are the breadwinner so you are in the advantageous position. You are also not married so he has no rights to anything in terms of finance.

Tell him that given he obviously thinks you are such a horrible person you've decided to live up to that and he has until 8 PM to pack his stuff and leave.

Access to the dc can be arranged once he's gone.

then get on with your life.

kaykayblue · 20/06/2014 14:43

Can you enlist a friend's help to get him out of the house?

For example, do you have a sister, friend, brother or parent who would be willing to "unexpectedly" turn up five minutes after you've told him to leave?

Jamie1981 · 20/06/2014 14:45

As others have said, lots of red flags, but i feel obliged to point out that there are other explanations.

why doesn't he work?
does he suffer with fatigue?
what about his sense of self worth? Is he confident, or does he appear depressed or similar?
any hair loss? facial in particular?
does the abuse mainly happen when you discuss sex?
have you seen any evidence that he is, in fact, masturbating? To be more specific, any evidence that he can "get it up"?
is he overweight or diabetic?

Lack of interest in sex could indeed be because he is gay, or because he wants out of the relationship, but it could also be psychological and it could also be because of low testosterone.
If you are a man and you cannot perform, it can have a very detrimental effect on your self worth, which can translate into all kinds of depression and behaviour.
I'm probably very wide of the mark, but it might at least be worth considering, maybe seeking some counselling to see if he is holding something back?

unobtanium · 20/06/2014 14:52

Incredible!

OP, my life began at about 35. And it is still getting better and better.

You have PLENTY of time to find your happiness -- but HURRY with this first painful step of getting out of this horrible co-existence you are leading with this cruel and useless person

Ivedunnit · 20/06/2014 15:00

OP my life has restarted twice already ! First time at 28 and now more recently at 44. It is never too late.
You have to think what advice you would give to a friend or your DC's if they found themselves in such a relationship. That to me was an eye opener .....

MaryWestmacott · 20/06/2014 15:47

Actually, Jamie makes a good point, it wouldn't be the first man to lay the blame at his impotence at his DW's door rather than face up to the scary idea there's something physically wrong with him. He also wouldn't be the first to use "attack as a means of defence" to avoid having to have you discuss something he doesn't want to. If Jamie's right and there's other physical symptoms, send him to the GP, if the rest of us are right and he's a wanker with issues (be them confusion about his sexuality, wanting someone else, or something else) that's not your job to fix him, kick him out.

Original poster

Justtrumpeditstinks · 20/06/2014 16:56

He doesn't work because he's lazy. He's over weight too.
Apparently he had an affair years ago and I have heard rumours of other girls in his local pub.

It's not that he refuses to have sex any other way, he likes that horrible reverse cow girl position.

Ffs now I'm thinking he's having an affair!

I know he prefers wanking to see because he said it last night. I confronted him this morning and he said he only said it because he was drunk and that he was sorry.

OP posts:

MrsDowneyJunior · 20/06/2014 17:18

He's abusive and nowhere near good enough for you or any woman. You are worth more. Please ring womens aid and start making your leaving plan.

liquidstatehasrisenagain · 20/06/2014 17:41

Kick him out and live your life. You will manage fine with the DC and I guarrantee you will find someone more deserving of your time and energy.

You deserve so much more than this. Please speak to CAB anf the council claims people and get the ball rolling for housing benefit. He can find somewhere else to live.

AcrossthePond55 · 20/06/2014 18:39

In vino verities, my dear. Many a man has spoken real truths when drunk. And sorry doesn't cut it. If you look at your description of him, stop and think what you would say to a friend if they described their partner as you have described yours.

Points against;
He doesn't work.
He doesn't perform the work expected of a SAHD.
He has been unfaithful in the past & you suspect he may be now.
He is cruel to you emotionally.
He is not willing to have a mutually satisfying sex life
He apparently spends his time down the pub leaving you at home
He prefers wanking because it's A-less work or B-he's gay (or both)
He has no interest in improving your relationship

Points for;
He does the school run
He provides childcare (I assume he's home for the kids after school)
He tidies up 'a bit'
He is 'a man in the house'*.

*Means nothing really, but some women just want a man in the house so I thought I'd toss it in. Feel free to toss it out, I would. Along with him and his sack of shite.

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