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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

The single life

62 replies

Yodabrussel · 19/06/2014 23:27

So recent ex P came over tonight while I was out and cleared out the rest of his stuff - but kindly left all the cards, letters and sentimental little presents either me or my son had ever got him. Particularly hurtful was the Father's Day card my son gave him last year, which ex P was so chuffed with at the time, as he is (or rather was) his step dad not his real dad.

So, because I am determinedly trying to be brave and not wallow I'm thinking about all the good things about being single. Having the whole bed and TV to myself are good ones, but anyone got any more to add to my 'keeping positive' list ??

OP posts:
bibliomania · 20/06/2014 10:56

Yyy to the wires/tech. Ex had such a complicated arrangement with the tv/video/DVD player that I couldn't turn the damn thing on.

Smilesandpiles · 20/06/2014 11:16

I forgot about the wires and crap.

3 days it took me to clear out the shed, 3 DAYS! that's not including the loft OR the small bedroom he took over or the very large cupboard under the stairs, OR the basement...jesus, it's no wonder the house is tidier..I've got room!

That was just filled with stuff from various cars, computer stuff, fishing stuff, golf stuff...and whatever other hobby he had a crack at for 3 weeks and yet cost a fortune.

Smilesandpiles · 20/06/2014 11:17

Seriously, 3 days! You couldn't even open the door properly, you had to squeeze through a gap a few inches wide...just as well I lost a shit load of weight so quickly after he left, I'd have never got in otherwise.

There's another, not so good upside, you loose weight. Very quickly. Not including the 15 stone of usless that walked out the door.

Lovingfreedom · 20/06/2014 11:20

Only 3 days? I'm two and a half years on and still clearing out My ex's crap!

Smilesandpiles · 20/06/2014 11:26
Grin

The shed was three days. I've still got boxes of his stuff. Books but mainly first editions so I'm not sure what to do with these yet. May chuck them up in the loft.

Lovingfreedom · 20/06/2014 11:31

I try to be green and recycle as much as possible...but there's also nothing better than standing at the side of a skip and tipping in a whole load of ex's ex possessions. Sell the books and buy yourself....whatever you damned well please!

Smilesandpiles · 20/06/2014 11:45

I'm keeping the books. They are worth quite a bit Shock. I recommend a bonfire as well as the skip. There's something quite refreshing about burning paperwork and crap of the ex's..

I did sell his clothes though and bought a dirty big takeaway that none of us could finish. Grin

oopsadaisyme · 20/06/2014 11:48

haha! :) I've just moved house and made sure all of his stuff left was trashed (and sold what else I could!) - and SUCH a good feeling being in a house with nothing of his!

whattodoforthebest2 · 20/06/2014 11:53

15 stone of useless - hit the nail on the head Grin

whattodoforthebest2 · 20/06/2014 11:56

No worrying about whether he'd approve of the hairstyle/colour/makeup/outfit that I'd chosen - my DC give me their opinions (blunt!) and they manage it so much better.

Smilesandpiles · 20/06/2014 12:02

Decorating - you can have the house as you want without having someone offering "advice" or "helping bodging "

No more listening to him slagging me off over the headset while paying some poxy game. No more PORN!

oopsadaisyme · 20/06/2014 12:10

smiles hahaha! Def for the decorating, think I'm going to go overboard on the girlie/flower combo in my new place just cos I now can!!

(didn't mind the porn, it was the other girlfriends I had a problem with ha)!

Smilesandpiles · 20/06/2014 12:22

I've lived in this house for many many years and he always had an excuse to not put any flooring down in our bedroom...Yesterday, I put in flooring myself. It's now actually starting to look like a proper room.

It took him 15 years to do 1 room which never actually got finished. It took me 36 hours from start to finish, the same room, including 2 coats of paint, furniture AND carpet!

The number of skills you have to master is something that people never tell you. You have no one around to do those odd jobs so you have to - and when you've done them, you feel like you have discovered fire. You get braver and braver with each completed task...and the kids get ever more impressed. The downside to that is, they then start to pile demands on you as to what they want doing in their own rooms.

oopsadaisyme · 20/06/2014 12:30

I'm putting a shower up next week smiles, and stripping the kids rooms!

All the ex would have been interested in would be bodging the tv's and fiddling with the electrics!

Well done with floors!!!! I'm def not there yet..... :)

INeedSomeHelp · 20/06/2014 12:32

No being embarrassed at every event or holiday because he drinks too much and makes a fool of himself.
No more having every bit of food you put into your mouth monitored because he doesn't want you putting on weight.
No more having to chauffeur him and his sons around without paying anything for petrol or car maintenance.
No more football on the tv or dictating all other activities so they don't clash with a game.

lanadelray · 20/06/2014 12:33

It's only been a week for me and I can't recommend it enough!

Having my own routine. Never feeling guilty for sitting down and reading a mag/watching TV. I always did most of the housework but anything that was his responsibility was dragged out "Is it bin day?" "I suppose I'd better do the bins" "Can you make me a coffee because I'm going to do the bins?" "I'm doing the bins now" "I've done the bins" etc. It takes 30 secs to drag the bins form the garage to the kerb! And it's less to put out now it isn't full of his empties.

Having a fridge/cupboard of food that I and DCs want to eat and it was so much cheaper. Trying new foods, he hated change. No steaks, no bacon/sausages for his daily fry up, no different bread/milk because he didn't believe in wholegrain/semiskinned, SALAD! he wouldn't eat veg.

Being spontaneous. He'd either be drinking or in a mood so that you wouldn't want him coming anyway and you'd be afraid he'd say yes. Now we can decide to do something at a moments notice, we've had so much fun. We're also making plans for the weekends/holidays and are thinking (finances being well) of Florida next year. He hated theme parks and would only want to go on the same beach/bar/nothing for the kids to do holidays.

He was an alcoholic so I decided to not drink in the house and haven't done so for 3 yrs. I sat in the garden with a mojito yesterday evening. Bliss!

The house needs less tidying so I'm getting around to jobs that I hardly ever had time to do. Or perhaps it's because I have so much more energy, it was like living with a Dementor sucking the life out of everything.

Sorry I couldn't stop when I started! I feel amazing, can you tell?

Smilesandpiles · 20/06/2014 12:34

The floor is easier than the shower, and that is a doddle! Good luck next week and have fun with it.

I can listen to my music and not have him commenting on it and yet, getting a strop on if I dare to say anything about his taste in music or his banshee wailing singing.

lanadelray · 20/06/2014 12:34

And sleeping! Uninterrupted blissful sleep.

Smilesandpiles · 20/06/2014 12:38

it was like living with a Dementor sucking the life out of everything

LMFAO

lanadelray · 20/06/2014 12:48

I'm with you on the music Smiles. Heavy metal every day FFS.

redundantandbitter · 20/06/2014 12:51

Oh the skip thing was a good weekend. Opened the cellar door and chucked pretty much all of the contents away .

I bought myself a drill. Me and my 5 yr dd put together a picnic bench the other night . Both v pleased with each other.

Emptied the shed - painted it white inside and it's a kids den now.

And I'm currently refreshing the grout in my bathroom and it looks fab!

Really, who needs the bodgers. Another one who'll never live with a bloke again.

Placeinthesun · 20/06/2014 14:44

Ooh soo many things:

  • No one else to consult about decisions on things around the house I can just choose the colour of paint etc I want.
  • Double bed to myself (well and the cats)
  • Time off to myself when DC's with him
  • Less food to buy and up to me what and when we eat
  • My bathroom not occupied for 45 min when he needs a poo
  • Less mess, hoarding and fewer old newspapers around the house
  • I can load the dishwasher however I want
  • None of his shirts to wash and just less washing overall
  • No aftershave smell lingering
  • I get places with the DC on time as he's not making us late
  • I get to choose the route we go places not defer to his insistence that the sat nav is wrong and his way is better
  • It's much easier to do things as a 4 than a 5
  • No implied criticism of what I watch on TV or Netflix
  • Having more friends and more time for them
  • Not having to travel across the country every holiday and half term to visit his family

....oh god I could go on. I just don't know if I ever want to have a relationship with anyone again ever at the moment I am loving my single life so very much!

Yodabrussel · 20/06/2014 18:49

I'm loving all these, just what was required - thank you all! I'm still missing him dreadfully at the moment but very much looking forward to the time when I'm in the place you all are!!

Saying that though:
Having whole bed to myself and cats

Not being woken up by enormous bed shaking snores

Not worrying about what sort of mood he'll be in when he walks through the door or wakes up in the morning

Not panicking when DS is talking loudly to his mates online and having to belt upstairs to tell him to be quiet

Not wondering why any intimacy seems to leave him cold and what is wrong with me

OP posts:
3mum · 20/06/2014 20:13

What everyone else has said plus:

No having the TV/music on at a ridiculously loud volume.

No football!

No cloud of talcum powder all over the bathroom (it really was like walking into a fog which then settled over every available surface).

No being hunted down: as soon as he had finished whatever crap hobby thing he was doing (definitely never housework) he always used to go around shouting "where's mummy?" and I had to immediately stop whatever I was doing and notice him.

No trying to pretend that I did not notice that he could only get semi- erect unless he had taken Viagra, which, of course, I had to pretend I did not know about - at least until he left some on the car seat Smile. I can only assume that he neck's it every day with his new bint.

More headspace - just not having to take his whiny me, me, me into account is worth splitting alone.

No more being at the mercy of his moods. If he felt bored or tetchy he'd take it out on me and the DC and wind us up until one of us exploded, whereupon he was, of course, all hurt and reasonable and we were the baddies.

No more trying to convince myself that this time when he said it was over with his latest mistress, it really was true (slaps own forehead for that one - why did I ever do it?).

No having to put up with his shit driving.

No more moving house whenever he got bored! (he has moved twice already in the two years since we split).

No more having to live with someone with no moral compass, just narcissism.

I could go on (and on). Another one who will never, ever live with anon except my DC again.

3mum · 20/06/2014 20:14

or even "anyone". Must preview!