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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I don't have it in me to support DH through his mum dying

40 replies

weedinthepool · 19/06/2014 22:50

I can't do it. I know it makes me a terrible awful person but I want to run for the hills.

DH has been physically & emotionally abusive at times of high stress. He drinks more and his anger goes off the wall. I'm scared. He says I'm just bothered about myself & the impact on me. I am! And the dc's. More for the dc's. Especially DS1 who is not Dh's child. I love his mum and I'm really sad she is in this illness. I just don't have the resources to support her son because I'm shitting it.

Go ahead. Flame me. I'm a self centred bitch.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 19/06/2014 22:52

Isn't it time to end this marriage, love ?

Original poster
weedinthepool · 19/06/2014 22:53

Yes I think it is. I need to go. If I can't be there through the shitty bits I can't be there at all.

OP posts:
hairylittlegoblin · 19/06/2014 22:55

He's abusive. You are not a selfish person.

Please speak to Women's Aid. They are wonderful.

AnyFucker · 19/06/2014 22:55

Have you support in RL ?

AnyaKnowIt · 19/06/2014 22:56

Being a physical ad emotional abuser, no wonder you want to run fr the hills.

Are you safe now?

Dinnaeknowshitfromclay · 19/06/2014 22:58

Because he has abused you in the past, you no longer feel you can give him the support he needs. This is normal and karma and does not make you a bad person. You didn't make MIL ill. If you genuinely feel this way, get out. It is the honest thing to do and you can tell him that when he is accusing you of selfishness. He sounds like a twat.

Original poster
weedinthepool · 19/06/2014 22:59

Nope AF. Classic stuff-he's alienated all my family, he hates them so I've kept them at arms length. 2 of my friends know about the abuse because of an injury I sustained from him. They are keeping me at arms length.

The only person I could really trust is his mum! But obviously he's her son. She won't want all this crap. She doesn't deserve it.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 19/06/2014 23:00

Then you need to reach out to professional services such as Women's Aid and ask for their support.

Would your family/friends rally round if it was clear you were ending your relationship for good ? This is what you need to do.

Original poster
weedinthepool · 19/06/2014 23:02

I have kept it all together for the past 3 years but her diagnosis (she only got it this week) has caused me to realise how much I've been walking on eggshells. I've had the police & domestic abuse services involved but not made it to the refuge. I wish I could just find a house tomorrow and go. He's financially abusive too so no chance of that.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 19/06/2014 23:03

"Wishing" won't make it happen, love. Sad

kaykayblue · 20/06/2014 10:48

I don't have any advice other than to say that your family might be much more supportive than you think. Do try and reach out to them.

Also I just wanted to add that you are NOT a self centred bitch! You are nothing of the sort, please do believe that.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 20/06/2014 10:54

He doesn't deserve your support, not even now. Especially not now. I understand your terrible regret about his mother's illness but none of that matters where your relationship with your husband is concerned.

There really is only one sensible outcome and that's not staying where you are and waiting for him to abuse you again. Because he can and he will.

Quitelikely · 20/06/2014 11:01

The only one who needs support is you and the kids. He sounds vile, your frightened of him and so would I be. I suppose the dc are too.

Be brave, but be careful too. Check out womens aid for advice on how best to approach the situation. I know what he deserves and that's absolutely nothing. Hopefully one day you will leave him with it!

Also sorry about your poor mil but she has obviously been in some sort of relationship that has imprinted on your dh which is why he is such a bastard. Don't let your children be one him or be one a victim to someone like him. It's usually what happens.

mummytime · 20/06/2014 11:03

Phone Women's aid, and get out now!
I would expect your family and friends will rally around once they know you've left. they probably can't handle the pain of seeing what you put up with from him.

You are not being a bitch for not supporting him and being a punch bag whilst his mother dies. Don't let her tragedy trap you.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 20/06/2014 12:10

She won't want all this crap. She doesn't deserve it.

Neither did you. Nor do you. So you have to think of yourself.

differentnameforthis · 20/06/2014 12:18

You are not a bitch, you are not self centred.

I think you have just realised that it is time for self preservation.

Agree with Anyfucker.

SmallPress · 20/06/2014 12:21

weedingthepool - just in here to say good luck, and get out while you can.

(And no, you aren't a bitch, and it would be probably better for your long-term health if you were a bit more self-centred. And your DCs will benefit, too, when you get out.)

I'm sorry about your MIL, but you might be in a better position to have a decent relationship once you are away from him.

Thanks
Original poster
weedinthepool · 20/06/2014 18:07

OK. So have set up an action plan in my mind. I will go a week on Monday. MIL will have had a couple of weeks for the news about her illness to sink in, I'll get one of the dc's birthday out of the way. A week on Monday will be the safest time. There is no way I can just walk out when he is here. I have tried that before & he won't let me take the dc's and I can't be sure he wouldn't physically hurt me.

He has sent me into a tailspin mentally so that I am relying on anti depressants to dull the sensation of being on high alert all the time but now I'm worried he will use this against me.

I spoke to my mum today and was quite open with her. I told her I felt like there was a ticking time bomb waiting to go off and that DH has said all I'm worried about is the impact on myself and she said 'That's not true. You are not only thinking about yourself.' So I think they might rally (& breathe a sigh of relief). Thanks AF and everyone else. Whoever said self preservation has kicked in is bang on the money.

OP posts:
Kundry · 20/06/2014 18:14

He has totally failed to support you in the good bits. This is possibly the very least you can expect from a partner.

He has therefore lost any right at all to expect support from you in the shitty bits. Plus what kind of support could you give him other than human punch bag?

You are thinking about your DC's future which is a selfless thing to do. That you can still think about your MIL and worry about your DH shows your selflessness. However you need to keep something back for you and now is the time to leave this loser behind.

Original poster
weedinthepool · 20/06/2014 18:23

I'm sat here in the sunshine nervously waiting for him to come home & shout at me about the bill for the service on the car. It is £60 more than the quote he got because they've put some parts in and added VAT. I of course didn't luck off with the garage so it will all be my fault. Even though he chose the garage ffs.

How has it got to the point where I'm shitting bricks about stuff like £60 and the kids running around on his precious grass. He won't be happy because they make it messy. They are dc's, its grass. Keeping them off it is impossible. But if its not about money or grass or me being fat (I'm an 'unacceptable' size 12) or whatever it is the thousand other little and big things I do 'wrong'.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 20/06/2014 19:49

Are you safe, love?

Original poster
weedinthepool · 20/06/2014 19:53

I am. Thanks. I got shouted at about the money and because I'd forgotten on purpose his red wine. Nothing too bad though.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 20/06/2014 20:31

This is no way to live Sad

Quitelikely · 20/06/2014 21:16

Well done for planning to leave. He's had his chance with you and blown it big time.

Sounds thoroughly unpleasant and I hope he dies a l

Quitelikely · 20/06/2014 21:16

Lonely old man!

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