I don't have it in me to support DH through his mum dying

[weedinthepool]

I can't do it. I know it makes me a terrible awful person but I want to run for the hills.

DH has been physically & emotionally abusive at times of high stress. He drinks more and his anger goes off the wall. I'm scared. He says I'm just bothered about myself & the impact on me. I am! And the dc's. More for the dc's. Especially DS1 who is not Dh's child. I love his mum and I'm really sad she is in this illness. I just don't have the resources to support her son because I'm shitting it.

Go ahead. Flame me. I'm a self centred bitch.

Love, when you get out, you will never again feel the way you did today. Focus on this please?

This is the worst bit. Hardest for you, and potentially most dangerous, so please be careful.

You have to go. You have to leave.

We're all here, and having been where you were, and now 3 years out, I know how 'easy' getting out actually was.

It's only a single step, and a state of mind.

From your side, it seems like a mountain though I know!

Trust mumsnet, we'll be here as long as you need us to be.

I know. I know that as soon as I break free I will feel a huge weight lifted. Not dreading 7pm every night.

But he has done such a number on me that I feel like I need his permission. I have over the past 10 years been conditioned to defer to him about EVERYTHING. Dismantling our life & that of the dc's like this without his permission, without his opinion is going so against the grain. I am going to do it. I am. I can't go through him using me as a verbal or physical punch bag. Waiting for it is always worse than the actual punches.

He will never give you permission. You have to give yourself permission to break free. You can do it.

And again after reading my last post I realise how much I have given in to his control. Someone I love is dying but instead of worrying for her I'm having to focus on him & his behaviour. Aaargh. I'm such a textbook fuck up!

But AF if I give myself permission to leave it will make it so much worse for a while. He will get worse. People will judge my failure.

You only get one life, you just can't live it based on what other people think. What a waste of time.

What people ? What failure ?

People who will judge you for ending an abusive relationship do not belong in your life.

This is his failure, not yours. He has failed you spectacularly by not caring for your well being.

I agree he may ramp up the abuse if you end it. More reason to end it, with appropriate support from Women's Aid, family and if necessary, the police.

He is the failure of a human being, not you.

Stay strong, OP. One foot in front of the other, and then again, and then again, until you have walked out of there.

Taking anti depressants shows you are handling your self care requirements, millions of people take them, this is not a tool for him.

You deserve your life back. You do.

I don't know who these 'people' are. I had a child with someone who I wasn't in a relationship with. Then I married the totally wrong person and had 2 more DC. I've clinged to DH because I don't want to fail. But I already failed the moment I didn't say anything the first time he bit me on the nose in front of a group of people. I failed when he broke my ribs and gave me a black eye. I'm meant to be clever! I've done well with my job. Got a good degree. On a cognitive level I'm fine. Emotionally I'm useless.

Do people on here often know their situation is wrong but not have the emotional intelligence to change it?

OP, please read this

It sums up what I would like to articulate to you.

My love, he chose to abuse you.

Your mother/family conditioned you in childhood to accept it.

None of this is your fault. Not one bit of it.

Could you read How Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft? I did, after I was out, and by god it really helps show you how fucked up his dynamic is, and how it's all about him, him, him.

What you are feeling is normal for all women in abusive relationships. It's ok, it will pass when you're free. All of this will be a blip in your past one day.

Focus your mind's eye on what you want in the future, a goal to aim for and never lose sight of it$ it's your dream, your future.

Keep posting OP. Folk on here will help you.

Thanks everyone. I have read the link AF and also read the 20 signs thread and unfortunately my relationship ticks a lot of those boxes.

This morning he has said that I'm always dumping the kids on him and going out, I've been out twice since April and was home by 8pm one time. I'm apparently not allowed to use the joint account today (my only source of money) because I messed up the garage payment. Then he said sorry for having a go at you and I replied I have a feeling you'll be having a go at me a lot over the next month or 2 and he replied 'Yes probably, you know what I'm like when I'm stressed'.

For some reason this conversation has strengthened my resolve. He knows he's going to use me as an emotional and literal punch bag. I know he is. So if I don't go I'm enabling him to abuse me. I don't want to teach my 3 Year old DD that's what a marriage looks like.

My dsis keeps checking on me and asking how things at home are because I think she understands what impact his mums health will be having. Sorry I know I'm rambling. I'm trying to process it and build up my 'reason' to leave I think and writing it on here helps.

If you're a failure, there are lot of us out there. This move is going to be your success, the first of a long string of them.